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SwissPagan
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14 Oct 2015, 8:12 am

Okay, as probably stated a billion times by me, I pretty have a non-existant dating life, mostly due to shyness, or a the very least a self-defeating bias. I find myself deterred by myself before I try to make an impact in the world or anywhere else. now that is not to say I cannot handle most social situations, I can, two years for retail experience, and three years of serving as a ambassador, guide, and friend to incoming international students of all ages helps too, now I am an Assistant Language Teacher for five local schools. I find I get along great socially, even excel in some cases despite, or even becasue of my Aspergers. however, the moment I am in situations where I have no obligation or purpose to be social, such as trying to meet people my age and talk to them, I find myself either frozen to deterred. this is partially why trying to date is hard as hell. first you need to find a date, most people, NTs tell you to just go up and ask, but you don't know this person or where they are in their life, and you talking to them may just be a bother, not to mention unless you have a reason to be there and talking to some one, you are going to feel like you are the infamous 'creepy aspie' that everyone brings up. so mostly I just keep silent and distant, and keep myself occupied in other ways. it also doesn't help that there is a huge age gap in people I appeal to. I make great friends with older people, and am very well received by them, same thing with kids and younger people. people my age however, either they can't stand me, or I can barely stand them, and most of them are far more jaded than me. (and they are NTs to boot, so f**k me then).

I just don't know how to cure a self defeating bias, where your brain defaults to the worst outcome when it comes to a romantic longing. I know people usually say. "just be confident" which doesn't exactly help, its not an on and off switch, if it were that easy I wouldn't be posting this. (And no more of the "you need to get a gym membership" crap, gyms are stupidly expensive, and I clear 2 sets of 100 push ups daily at home, so I think I good on fitness.)
is there a way to reverse the negative feelings one gets? :|

I don't have much positive re-enforcement to fall back upon in this field, nor in being open with ideas, but that I know came from years of being bullied in school for being one of the science nerds. either the ability to be open with ideas and expression, or the ability to be romantically open towards either strangers, or people in situations where I do not have an existing role. either one would be nice... how do others cope with this?



kraftiekortie
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14 Oct 2015, 8:16 am

By not over-thinking.

I've had to overcome lots of shyness in my life. The way to do it...is to just "wing it." But prepare yourself beforehand before you "wing it" socially.



SwissPagan
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14 Oct 2015, 8:24 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

But prepare yourself beforehand before you "wing it" socially.


how so?



kraftiekortie
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14 Oct 2015, 8:36 am

You could think about what you know about each person in the social group. Likes/dislikes. What inspires each person. How your likes and dislikes compares to the likes/dislikes of the other people.

Above all, treat each person like a person, rather than a man/woman. People usually like that. I know it's hard...but don't think of a woman as a woman initially, at least to her face :wink:

I used to have social conversations with myself, sometimes even in front of the mirror.



SwissPagan
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14 Oct 2015, 8:46 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
You could think about what you know about each person in the social group. Likes/dislikes. What inspires each person. How your likes and dislikes compares to the likes/dislikes of the other people.


well, that in itself is not the problem, when its within a group that I am part of, or a station where I have cause to be there, there is usually no problem. it in my FREE TIME about complete stranger whom I don't know that I have the problem.

"Above all, treat each person like a person, rather than a man/woman."

that's kind of my default, hence why when I AM with someone I know I like I can't switch gears to a non-platonic mode. is just feels like everything in that direction is a minefield...



kraftiekortie
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14 Oct 2015, 8:51 am

In reference to strangers, I believe you must have confidence in your abilities, and what you have accomplished/will accomplish in life. You have to know you have something to contribute.

When you're talking to a stranger, just feed off what the stranger says. If you have to initiate, start talking about the weather or something. That always is an icebreaker. Or if it's a man, the local sports team also is a great icebreaker--but make sure you know the sport well.



Jacoby
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14 Oct 2015, 9:26 am

Drugs; some things are just in our nature and I don't think being an outgoing person is in my DNA thus drugs are pretty much the only way to compensate that. They can be legal, prescribed, or whatever but it's pretty much the only time I feel like a normal human being.



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14 Oct 2015, 11:20 am

Drugs are a good solution but the risks are there. For one thing, lets just say you rely on smoking weed to enhance mood. You could become depended on it and it could become expensive if money is an issue for you. Same with drinking a couple of beers.


Maybe drink a glass or two of beer before you go into social situations. You don't want to get drunk but a drink will make you feel good.



SwissPagan
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14 Oct 2015, 4:06 pm

Jacoby wrote:
Drugs; some things are just in our nature and I don't think being an outgoing person is in my DNA thus drugs are pretty much the only way to compensate that. They can be legal, prescribed, or whatever but it's pretty much the only time I feel like a normal human being.


I don't really have the funds for drugs. I just want to figure out how to reverse the negative reinforcement.



SwissPagan
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14 Oct 2015, 4:11 pm

darkphantomx1 wrote:
Drugs are a good solution but the risks are there. For one thing, lets just say you rely on smoking weed to enhance mood. You could become depended on it and it could become expensive if money is an issue for you. Same with drinking a couple of beers.


Maybe drink a glass or two of beer before you go into social situations. You don't want to get drunk but a drink will make you feel good.


in all honesty I am in a country where they are very strict on drugs, and I really don't have the body type that handle booze all the well, plus if your BAL is anywhere of 0.0 you loose your license out here. and I need my vehicle for work.



rdos
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14 Oct 2015, 4:20 pm

I don't think shyness needs a fix. I'm pretty comfortable with being shy. :wink:



SwissPagan
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14 Oct 2015, 4:24 pm

rdos wrote:
I don't think shyness needs a fix. I'm pretty comfortable with being shy. :wink:


but it means I am always going to be at a disadvantage over others... again,as mentioned a billion time on other threads. if a girl has 10-20 guys pursuing her, why would the shy aspie be the swing vote?



The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Oct 2015, 4:43 pm

Take stripping classes.



darkphantomx1
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14 Oct 2015, 5:34 pm

Just take gradual baby steps.

Signup for a dating site such as Tinder, okcupid, etc... Then when you're ready, just message a girl and say hello how are you? If you keep messaging a few girls, you will comfortable doing it. Once you're comfortable doing that, then find a girl who seems interested and ask her out.

A thing about dating sites is if you like a girl and don't ask her out, some other guy will. Let this be your motivation.

Going on a date is very scary if you've never done it before but the more you do it, the easier it will become. Even if the first couple of dates go horribly with women, you're still gaining experience.


If you start to realize that dating just isn't for you now, then you can quit. But only quit once you've at least went on a couple of dates.



darkphantomx1
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14 Oct 2015, 5:40 pm

I'm going to teach you a super secret method.

Do you have any favorite video games that are popular?

If so, go on dating sites and message every single girl you find decently attractive and ask them a question related to your video game.

For instance, if you like Leauge of Legends, ask her what her favorite leauge character is. Or if you like pokemon, ask her what her favorite pokemon is.

If she responds back, then congratz you've got yourself a gamer girl. And I bet you 50 bucks no one else is talking to her about video games.

Sure most women won't reply back but you might be surprised how many women love to game.