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GiantHockeyFan
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26 Oct 2015, 2:03 pm

I have a dilemma in that someone I dated (long distance) before I met my Fiancee still doesn't get the hint and still contacts me every couple of weeks. While I have no problem being friends with women in theory (as an Aspie, friends are VERY hard to come by), she is a country girl a 2 hour drive away and does not seem to understand appropriate boundaries.

Before I got engaged, I ran into her in person. She knew I was engaged and said she understood. It was a very awkward meeting but she still texted later that night "I am at XYZ Motel tonight room 123" and "What part of my body did you find most attractive?" I know she meant that literally and didn't mean it the way most would interpret it but the bottom line is my Fiancee actually saw one of these messages (not sure which one) and rightfully had a few questions. I explained the situation (luckily she understood) and I agreed it was time to break off contact. Months later and she is still in contact and even though I explained I am engaged and am in the process of getting set for married family life she still texts me once in a while.

I told her I was calling tonight and she is excited to talk to me. I know I really don't want anything to do with her but I will admit it is hard knowing how devastated she will be, being a fellow socially awkward person. Story of my life: I can't say no to anybody especially after how many times it has been said to me. I think she is a decent human being but I want her to just go away for good and spare my Fiancee getting rightfully upset.

Any suggestions for what to say to gently tell her to leave me alone for good?



NowhereWoman
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26 Oct 2015, 2:15 pm

Not to sound cold, but at this point, with her still dogging you despite your obvious discomfort and with her obviously provocative statements, it's time to not worry about "gently." You don't need to be unnecessarily harsh either...but you DO need (IMO) to tell her directly, "I am sorry, I am no longer comfortable with our friendship, so please don't contact me again. I wish you all the best" and when she inevitably comes back with 100 reasons she hopes you can't argue with, and with semantics and innocence and yadda yadda, DON'T ARGUE it with her or answer her "questions," simply repeat, "Please don't contact me again."

I believe in protecting people's feelings but in this case, she is choosing to continue what she knows (I mean come on) is this lead-in to hopefully some hanky-panky, she is doing so against your already having told her you're uncomfortable with the situation, and if she then gets hurt that she has pushed you to cutting off your friendship, that's on her too at this point.

Just don't engage when she tries to get more responses out of you, ignore her questions "But why not...women and men can be friends...you KNOW I didn't mean X when I asked you such-and-such about my body...this is a shock" or whatever. Resist the urge to defend yourself or "make her feel better" and just keep repeating that you are no longer friends and if she continues, block her.

That's what I would do and is of course only my opinion and view. I've had experience with this. She's disrespecting boundaries, crossing lines and "gently" is just not going to do it with this particular person, I am sorry. She knows you are engaged AND that you're uncomfortable AND I am sure she realizes what she is doing is wrong, so if she chooses to be hurt at this point, then it's just that her, choice.



BirdInFlight
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26 Oct 2015, 2:27 pm

I agree with NowhereWoman.

This girl has been given adequate information and is still pushing limits. She's crossed the line into inappropriate, and openly so. You've made it clear you are getting ready for married life in an exclusive relationship. Given this, it's inappropriate for anyone to be texting you room numbers, for crying out loud.

You have to cut things off firmly now. This isn't a "friendship" that could continue without inappropriate behavior and hurt feelings in your primary relationship. I believe firmly in respect for a person's partnership. Tell her right away that given different behavior you might have still been friends, but under the circumstances it's very, very clear that that is not actually possible, she's being inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship and this needs to stop NOW.


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GiantHockeyFan
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26 Oct 2015, 4:02 pm

Thank for the advice. I don't think she truly meant anything more than "we can meet up here" but it's good to know I am not being unreasonable. I know if the roles were reversed and I saw a guy texted my fiancée would be upset to say the least. I guess I just have to come out and say it to her and stop worrying about other's feelings for once. I will be calling her momentarily.

I guess I am just puzzled as to why a seemingly sweet, normal person doesn't get a hint so obvious even I would understand. I did once have a 'creeper' who was a former WP member and still tries to friend me years later after I told her she creeped me out sending inappropriate pictures. This girl is nowhere near that level and I think she is just clueless but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. After all, I stayed with an abusive $#@% because I felt sorry for her and I need to give myself some compassion for once.



NowhereWoman
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26 Oct 2015, 5:26 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
Thank for the advice. I don't think she truly meant anything more than "we can meet up here" but it's good to know I am not being unreasonable. I know if the roles were reversed and I saw a guy texted my fiancée would be upset to say the least. I guess I just have to come out and say it to her and stop worrying about other's feelings for once. I will be calling her momentarily.

I guess I am just puzzled as to why a seemingly sweet, normal person doesn't get a hint so obvious even I would understand. I did once have a 'creeper' who was a former WP member and still tries to friend me years later after I told her she creeped me out sending inappropriate pictures. This girl is nowhere near that level and I think she is just clueless but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. After all, I stayed with an abusive $#@% because I felt sorry for her and I need to give myself some compassion for once.


She isn't clueless.

And someone who looks or acts "normal" can as easily try to get someone to cheat as someone who doesn't look or act normal.



GiantHockeyFan
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27 Oct 2015, 7:02 am

I did talk to her last night and after a quick "oh, you aren't allowed to talk to me anymore?" seemed to understand and accept my feelings on the matter. She did re-iterate that she did not mean those texts in any malicious way and understood my future family must come first. No matter if she was naive or not, I wished her well and have deleted her # from my phone for good. My relationship is just too important to have my fiancee even start to question my level of devotion.

I am also relieved I was finally able to stand up for myself. I ended up in an abusive relationship in the past (and my brother is married to an abusive woman) because I was raised by a father and uncles to do whatever women want and treat them like you would an armed robber: don't argue, don't stand up, do exactly as you are told. It is a terrible way to live!



em_tsuj
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27 Oct 2015, 7:33 pm

I have a feeling she will contact you again. Don't answer any numbers you don't know or reply to any messages she might send in the future. If you consistently do not respond to her, eventually she will give up.



BeaArthur
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27 Oct 2015, 8:26 pm

Use technology to protect yourself. Block her on every device and channel she might contact you on.

Oh and by the way - congratulations on your coming marriage.


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