Proper diagnosis-How?

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Well, good news!! I got accepted by GRASP. I've reached out to a person who conducts a support group I'm interested in.

It's good to hear about waiting maybe a week. Here's why:

I always feel trapped by what I see as a catch 22. 'They' always say "Advocate for yourself." Ummmm if I can't really do that, what are you really asking me to do? The flipside.....If you can successfully advocate, then why do you need 'us'?

So, I tend to push too much or just completely shy away. So, having a parameter to work within helps. Thanks

And, the funny thing is this: I can actually say that having a parameter like that to work within seems normal here, or at least someone would understand. I've actually tried to say that to people before and I just get vacant silence, or even once, out right poo-poo'd by someone who thought I was being flip.

100% understand about parameters. Example: I have been off and on tried to make bread. Totally impossible. Knead 5-10 mins? Mix until forms a ball? Too vague. What kind of ball? Sticky? Soft? Just sticks together? Hard? How do you know when to stop? Until it rebounds, but what does that mean? One ridiculous example of how I make people angry because they cannot rationalize someone with my perceived intelligence with an incapability (of making) of those types of judgements. Coming across as 'Flip' is the best description I have seen.

And yes. I push to hard. My analogy is that the average person gives off (say) 5 indicators before they say they are done (with a conversation). I notice the first one when they say they are done (or get mad at me).

But that doesn't seem quantifiable to the specialists that I have seen.

Grasp has been helpful. I haven't been back since getting a specialist recommendation. I get stuck with a catch 22 there. It is for Autism support, but I am not 'officially' autistic, and that (apparently) matters to me.

Frankly, this forum is the first time in my life where I have not felt like a complete freak and imposition.

Complete freak and imposition....yep...that sounds familiar.

"Flip"....yep...that sounds familiar. With me, I learned how to be quick and funny to avoid confrontation or a way to duck anything personal. Problem was that I don't know when to turn it off. So, it's either flip/unserious or, totally intense or intimidating. No in between.

My biggest fear at this point is two fold:

1) I'm constantly being thrust into social situations where my performance is vital. Office meetings is the biggie. Several times I thought I have been asking perfectly normal questions and was told directly to "calm down" or something to that effect. That's when I realize something is amiss and don't know what it is.

2) Two times in the last year I have been told I either speak or make noises when I think I am being perfectly quiet. So, my deep and most pressing fear at this time is whether I vocalize more than that without being aware. Nobody needs to hear the chaos in my head.

I'm also starting to notice things. The other night I caught myself rocking. It was one of those moments when I get so lost in thought I can't perceive the real world. Totally into that thought. I was standing outside having a cigarette and got hit by the door because I was pushing it when I rocked. Never noticed that before.

Uggghhhhh...I feel like a complete mess.

So much similarity here. I have taken the screening quizzes repeatedly, watching as my scores rise as I become aware of just how many odd things I do.
Vocally, I have one, and it is a back of the throat, high/low pitched, barely audible sound. But in a quiet room? Or with someone in the next cubicle? Yup, it has been heard. But, so I have been told, the more you are aware of and understand the different possible symptoms, the more you are going to recognize them in yourself.
I fail in office situations. I proposed an idea to my husband of applying for yet another out-of-the house, team work style position (Wawa, if you are familiar). He reminded me how not-great I am working with other people. Thank god, cause I certainly never remember that.
1. Work performance: The only times I have succeeded at this is when I have put in excessive time in over preparing. If I try to account for everything, then I am more likely to maintain an even tone than if I am even slightly unprepared. The whole "reacting to your non-reaction" thing annoys me. Regardless of how much I may (in hindsight) understand it, it annoys me. I haven't been too successful here as I am unemployed. BUT, in my small successes, explaining to one or two people I can trust to 'flag me' if I am increasing intensity past the appropriate level has helped.
2. Since I responded to the vocalizations, I'll address the 'head chaos', since it is a funny-ish story. When I was a young teen, 14-15 maybe, a family friend and I talked for a long time, enjoyably so. In doing so, he realized the meandering, but somewhat logical, path that my mind would take. He went on to say that " The mind of Brittnie is a very scary place" referring to it's complexity.

I think the hardest part of this entire process is that it almost requires you to analyze the facets of your life that you have tried, sometimes in vain, to 'normalize' for everyone else. The parts that set you apart as a child, even when you didn't know.
But I have realized that discovering the LABEL doesn't make you different. You are still what you are. You haven't become anything different. Now you just now what to call it.

I'm very ramble-y today... I should come with my own warning.

Like :
Caution: Individual prone to overanalyzing.
Beware!! ! Excessive explaining ahead!
DANGER!! ! Information overload is imminent!

I actually do need to be reminded of that.....constantly. My eagerness to prove myself and be accepted, I do forget. In my head, the Professor is feeding me information. Somewhere between there and everybody else, it's pure Gilligan.


I think right now, I am feeling mostly relief. Some mystery has been removed. Now, I do find myself obsessing over this with an urgency that is really strong, even for me. I think it's the need to finally pinpoint what's been going on. I feel that if I could just 'know' I could plan out a better course of action in my day to day life. It certainly has started to impact my daily life and professional life.


I actually said something like that to my brother tonight. I wonder if this is what it's like to come out as "Gay" or something. My parents are in disbelief. My brother said something. I just told him it didn't change who I am, it just explained why I am. My wife is completely oblivious to this. But, for some reason, she is learning to accept things. She even has started the (Step one) we do this, (Step two) we do that. Of course, she's Chinese and is not fully fluent, so it actually comes out: "Ok, this one thing: we do this. Ok, this two thing: We do that." But, bless her heart, she is actually adapting to the weirdness. She has taken to asking if I'm finished before she comes back with questions or rebuttal. Makes a difference.

Three months ago, I went got an insurance physical. The Nurse taking the specs asked about my family history of cancer. I had to start from my great grandfather and work forward. She would interrupt and press me to 'get to the point'. Each time, I had to start over. She kept pressing until I told her that each time she interrupted I had to start over and I would get the information when I got there. Later I (after she left) I noticed she backed down a bit. I think I may have been a bit strenuous in my response because after she left, I noticed she was not so pressing in other questions. When I'm alone and doing it alone (Questionnaire style) that process works much quicker and smoothly when I'm not required to talk or interact with other people.



That's my everyday. And that does worry me in today's overly PC world where there doesn't seem to be boundaries I can recognize anymore.

So much to which to reply. (I like lists to organize my thoughts. I fight them to organize my life.)
1. YES. So much yes. My husband frequently becomes exhausted with my lecture mode. I volunteer in a Mom's group, and I have learned to ask "Exactly how detailed do you want this answer?" It has helped... a little.
2. I am still in that feeling. I started about 18 months ago after meeting a friends daughter. She and I have so much in common, that when I was told she was diagnosed with Aspergers at 4, it made me stop and really examine my life. I just started pursuing a 'real' diagnosis (vs self). I am fighting a gender stereotype here as well as a cost/insurance one as well.
3. Again, so much to agree with. Just picture me nodding emphatically. The overall tendency makes raising children a bit challenging as they have a tendency to interrupt frequently. I don't, on the other hand, do well with forms. At. All. But I also suspect Executive Dysfunction.
4. Boundaries? What are those? I am amazed that I don't violate more of them. I have learned that if I am in doubt of possibly violating someone's ethical sensitivities with my statements/comments/jokes, to just not say anything. It makes for a relatively lonely and jumbled existence. I have more of a difficulty in person than online for the simple fact that there is no 'backspace', 'delete' or 'edit' button in speech. I have thought often in the past that if I relied solely on written correspondence, I could lead a satisfactorily full and social life. Once I open my mouth, I alienate all of those around me.

The hardest bit of this whole thing for me has been a bizarre transition from disregarding my father's 'rules' of life. This was done later in life (very long story, but let's just say I have poor family relationships as well), and after which many of my more quirky habits became more prominent even as my general anxiety diminished.

And I relate by sharing past experiences. I don't seem to have the capability for typical empathetic phrases, whatever those may be. I relate by comparing and contrasting.

Which makes me so incredibly endearing to others. (sarcastic).

1) Kids....got 'em. Wouldn't trade 'em for the world. I didn't raise my daughter. My ex and I divorced when she was young and I had to move to NYC just to make a living. So, primary child rearing done by my ex. She did a good job. I have a great relationship with her because (I think) when she would have trouble, she knew I would take her problems 'lying down' down and not get ticked off. Basically, inability to identify and process, leading to an 'understanding' father impression (she could tell me anything and it would just wash over me) without the judgmental parts her mother would inflict.

2) Kids are probably the only people I can be patient with. I see people as, well, basically 'flesh machines'. They are something that I cannot fathom. In a way, I am actually more attracted to real machines and things than people. But, kids are just unformed machines. The questions are without guile. If they get hurt, they tell you. If they are happy, they tell you. They are generally more flexible with adults. They love that when they want to spend time with me, I just follow along as I have no idea how to really join in. I guess they like actually being the boss over an adult. But, their questions are always answered with an honest answer, as if I'm talking to another adult. I don't know any other way. But, the real downside is their basic level of care and need as a result of that. That's where you're other partner/wife/husband or whatever should come in I guess. I know it worked for me.

3) I can only relate to the things I directly experience. That would also include cultural references such as TV or movies or through reading. I'm an information junkie. Don't enjoy fiction that much in prose. But, eat the heck out of informational things. I can regurgitate, emulate, but cannot formulate.

Statement (2) About kids:
Meant to say "They are generally more flexible than adults." NOT "They are generally more flexible with adults."

Autism becoming a "special interest" in the period following the realization that one is or might be autistic is extremely common and powerful even overwhelmingly powerful. People go back over thier lives and see a new partial or total explanation for why things happened the way they did.

1 and 2. Love my kids, and I want more. I do very well with them when they are infants, babies, toddlers. Once they start becoming more complicated, I have a hard time keeping up. For example, my son and I can have a lot of fun together. We will make eggs (he likes to mix them), go see things he likes (Aquarium, Zoo, bookstore, outside with a ball or his ride on toys), and read, cuddle, or watch his shows. He is almost 3, and he loves it. When my husband gets home, they hunt for Zombies, Ghosts, and Skeletons (Halloween was very educational for him). I don't do imaginary stuff. It is pointless to me, and silly, and I never seem to 'do it right'. Now my daughter, 11, is into make-up, fashion, friends, hanging out, online jokes and memes and things. She is surrounded by drama between her and her friends, and she can chatter non stop for hours. She wants my opinions on clothes, and make up, and things like that, which I am very bad at. She doesn't like my opinions, and gets mad at me for always asking how SHE likes something, or how SHE feels about it, essentially prompting her to work things out herself. OR I try to solve the problems between her and her friends, which makes her mad because (apparently) I don't vent. So as they get older, it becomes very tiring being around them. My daughter and I DO have a closer aspect of our relationship compared to that of my husband because I don't seem to 'judge' her as much as he does. If she gets a bad grade, I don't focus on the grade, but in what went wrong, and how we fix it. She loves that (although hates it when I don't celebrate her accomplishments as much). So I think we have a similarity in there as well. I only hope it translates into her being honest with me as she becomes a teenager. I lack patience with most kids because they come with a lot of noise, smells, and lack of personal boundaries. I don't like to be touched by most people, climbed on, or yelled at. Kids do these just by being kids. It is too overwhelming for me. (My kids, even when active, aren't intrusive in the same way).
3. I LOVE reading. I love information on my topics of interest. (If I'm not interested, it is just irritating. Don't talk to me about politics, stocks, and football, there is no point). But I also love Fantasy, and fiction. I will, and have, read for hours of every day. I have countless collections of books, authors, and series. Now that they are available online, it has been much better as before I would have to clean out my collections every couple years because of running out of room. Currently I have about 900 books digitally, and about 300 hard copy, all of which I have read, some multiple times.

ASPartOfMe: I found that very true with me too. I've been generally 'interested' for about 18 months. I've taken time off in that time because it becomes entirely TOO consuming. I feel that, with an official diagnosis, I can put some of it to a rest as I won't be looking for more validation after that point. Is that common as well?

Seems to be common to have an Autism fixation in the period after diagnosis. Understandable as this really is new information about at least part of you.