Tony Attwood: on building autistic self esteem

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He has spent over 40 years studying the ASD population, and continues to be a voice of validation and inspiration. I hadn't come across this piece by him before today:

http://www.mindsandhearts.net/index.php ... elf-esteem

One of the sad things is that adolescents on the spectrum miss out on peer validation/compliments to a substantial extent, at a time when validation is a very formative experience. I don't know of any other "Aspergers Expert" who is at all concerned about this, other than Attwood, nor any who see so clearsightedly the needless damage that stigmatising attitudes cause. If only I could clone him...

I'm way older than an adolescent.
But today I've been feeling down and alone,
and then I just now went to a website where somebody actually did pay me a compliment.
I was so stunned,
I cried.

...

I know that feeling. We have often come to steel ourselves for the possibility of unexpected criticism, though not unexpected praise and kindness. It can be a very overwhelming feeling even when you know that praise is objectively true. That unexpected praise can suddenly connect with an ache so deep that we are almost unaware of it and the needs that it relates to, and this is a response to the continual disrespect that minorities have trained themselves to expect and endure. You are much bigger and worthier than that...

Thank you for your kind, insightful, and in-depth explanation, B19!

...

I've read the article and I agree with everything that's mentioned. I've also experienced all that high school crap. I could have used that information in high school. It makes me happy that the information is available for teens to access today and in the future.

When I was at school went for a combination of the arrogant approach and the recluse approach. But I felt that I had to earn a right to arrogance, which inspired me to work really hard on my academics.

I'm interested that Attwood doesn't mention doing impressive things for praise as another coping strategy. I know that whenever I get praise for a story I've written, that I feel really good. Doing sports stuff probably has a similar effect.

The picture with the ruler and the rock is good enough to be someone's tattoo.

Coping mechanisms... Seems I got lucky by ended up with the said coping mechanism before I came across with the article.

I've done the part where one becomes recluse. I've been one since when I was 13. And it's becoming more 'loose'. (Few by few where I start opening up and less of a recluse overtime.)
From a complete hermit who never leaves the room. Then evolved to a silent, friendless, "mysterious student" reputation like with no actual social life. To this present, an observer of "sorts" while attracting unnecessary attention.

Along with the fantasy world part.
Except it's not all a complete fantasy or fictional: It was a real thing in an online game. Where I became well liked, climbed league ranks and even became the leader. As in, liked by actual breathing people behind the monitor screen as friends... No facades involved, just only NOT revealing that I'm an aspie. (Except to a few, who aren't NTs to begin with)
I'm still in contact with them. They all have this odd sense of respect to me despite that I'm not anything special... 'Strong', rich, fame never came to that online world, but friendship does.
And it gave me a tiny hint how the NT world works...

The false self? It didn't last. I only done the false self for validation, not friendship. Now that I found a cultural loophole where I don't need to 'act' alike NT, I don't need the false self. But still, I'll keep it just in case when the certain situation happens.

And I'm glad I never got in the narcissistic stage. Because I lost interest to my own self image before it became a "priority problem". I don't need to act almighty around people because I don't have any insecurities.
Praises, compliments and flattery are confusing. Insults and teases became meaningless. Competition, the concept of "Winning" and "Losing" had lost meaning to me.


And hence my lack of anxiety in general. (Or at least got rid of it early)
As for my true self, I'm not satisfied that I found most of it's parts. I want to learn and grow more.

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It's a good article which I think is from one of his books. I was an arrogant loner in high school. I was also pretty reclusive too. I sought refuge in books and videogames. Tolkien, Star Wars and fantasy fiction were my staple diet. I didn't completely avoid other people but I had no friend outside of school and the ones I had in school were more acquaintances.

Good article! Though I disagree a bit with 'reclusiveness' and 'fantasy' being unhealthy coping strategies. I think it's perfectly fine to be introverted, and enjoy stories. (And adopting that attitude leads to better self-esteem!)

I think it is a stupid article once it moves beyond describing the coping mechanisms, I am so tired of the Aspie super power empowerment horses**t like I have this special ability that apparently makes my life worth living because apparently I don't have it so where does that leave me? We're not all losers(some people in the past that we arbitrarily speculate might of been on the spectrum did some big things we swear) just most of us and I have absolutely nothing in my life that makes up for it. Intelligence is what you do with it so I am very very stupid. Next stage in human development, give me a break. I'd have higher self-esteem if I had a reason to have higher self-esteem, simple as that. I had a bunch of therapists try that crap with me to list positive attributes about yourself and it's always been that "i'm nice" or that "i'm smart", it just makes me want step in front of a train. Stop acting like its not a disability, some people are born into better circumstances and some find a way to over come them but it's a disability not just a "difference".

Thanks for posting this. Like much of what Tony Atwood writes, it is thought-provoking and based on fact. But as you point out, he is virtually the only autism specialist who is saying this (publicly at least). We can only hope that more people will follow his example. I lobby my MP, who is currently Care Minister, on a regular basis - but I'm just one person.

Diversity in all its forms is something that society hasn't really got to grips with. And of all the diverse forms of diversity, neuro-diversity is perhaps the most difficult to grasp.

I think that familial and peer validation is a fundamental concern. I can't recall reading about ASDs and validation before.

I personally did not have validating parents or siblings. I think I also missed out on peer compliments and validation. I like compliments now; I also don't particularly trust when anyone gives them. I probably used all of the potentially maladaptive coping strategies Attwood listed.

It's strange that more researchers don't study this matter as much as genes and brains . Lack of basic psychological and emotional support and care seems to me like a significant barrier against any child developing into a well-adjusted, happy adult. In adulthood, the same damaging patterns probably tend to continue. IMO, society in general is averse to investigating these basic issues because that investigation sheds unwanted light on loathsome aspects of our culture...