The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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Magna, your advise was very helpful to read when I woke up this morning. I set a goal to make it through to mid-day, when usually there is a little downtime as at least one kid naps every day. I had a random conversation with my father-in-law at breakfast time about how fresh fish have non-cloudy eyes, hah. I know nothing about that but nor why he brought this random topic up out of nowhere, but just having a successful and not awkward conversation set a good tone for the day. My mother-in-law also offered to watch the kids a ton today, so that took a lot of stress off. My wife and I both seemed content to leave yesterday's events behind us. I'll hopefully survive the trip, and maybe enjoy a lot of it if I can keep my mind in the right state and focusing on getting through one day at a time (or less). And then after the trip follow up with my therapist on strategies to address the communication challenges with my wife.

So it was a good day, and I built up a lot of positive momentum. Tomorrow is a pretty packed day traveling to more relatives, but there will be some low-stress time in the evening available. So I'll just focus on getting through to that. My wife's brother is also in town now, who is one of the rare people I enjoy talking to, which helps.

^^ You've got a great perspective, Frink. You're going to make it!

I have ASD and ADHD. My husband has ADHD.
I'm his second marriage, he's my first.

Marriage is pretty challenging sometimes.

I've been married 31yrs the 2nd time,the 1st was taken advantage young and dumb.The 2nd is very smart and helps me keep our life organized.

My husband is NT. I have ADD, diagnosed, and ASD undiagnosed. My Mom was diagnosed with Aspergers, and my son has been diagnosed with ASD and Epilepsy.

A couple of questions.

1. Does anyone feel guilty when you have to check out when you are overwhelmed? I hide in our bedroom. I don't think my husband understands. I have tried to explain it. I worry he thinks I am making excuses. I am sure most of you already know that if I do not take the time to calm myself at some point I will completely unravel. I have a lot of strategies in place to avoid that because I really hate losing control like that.

My husband is very nice to me and leaves me alone, but he has to take care of the family by himself. I get frustrated with myself because there is no real reason to feel bad, and yet I do. This subsequently increases the time I spend calming myself down. It is ridiculous and unproductive but I cannot seem to stop it.


2. Does anyone's NT significant other understand and protect you from things that are triggers? Do they guide you towards things that are calming and supportive?

Thanks!

Hi Strangerin a strange land your questions fit's me.I found out have autism and dd when much older and retired my wife the 2nd helps me I go to the computer room a lot she dose not always know that is to relax but she is always able to help control things the dd is hard to combat oh for good measure have been incontinent for several yrs.Thanks

Caveats: I'm not the most relationship wise: this is what I wish I could do in my marriage--but do not.

Short responses:
1. As someone with the opposite problem for many years (always trying to engage, despite poorly understood emotional self-regulation issues), I applaud you for recognizing and taking steps to self-care.

I encourage you to continue. You have a right to your own self-care--everyone does (your husband & children included). In fact, being a spouse plus parent of a special needs child, I encourage you to see it as a responsibility to your family, too, to see to your needs and to demonstrate/model how to self-care to your children.

Your husband sounds very supportive and patient. Instead of feeling guilty, I recommend--immediately after you've recuperated--acknowledging with gratitude his act of loving service to you and your family for your space & time to self-care. Then, later--at a time of more energy & ability for you--you could occasionally reciprocate with some kind of small or large loving act to him: a note, a break or refreshing activity of his own, a token gift, a special dinner, physical affection, etc.


2. No.

But, after perhaps years of unhealthy (boundary-wise) attempts at accommodations... my current search is to figure out a healthy balance for accountability vs accommodation vs self-reliance vs shared responsibilities vs boundaries vs family/friends/coworkers. (Confusing, yes: to me and much more to my family.) (Perhaps the "vs" may be healthier as a "+"?)....


PS "I have a lot of strategies in place to avoid that because I really hate losing control like that."
Care to share any, or share a previous post or thread on the topic, or a website, article, or book chapter? (I'm relatively new to attempting to understand and more healthily cope with ADHD and whatever subset of ASD issues I have.)

Ugh, just resisted ripping into my wife, just smiled, said "yes dear" and waited for her to leave.

My little neices birthday is this coming weekend, my mom had just spoken to me about the event including the assumption that we would be there, speaking with my wife about it and she complains that its too long, no birthday party should be longer than 2 hours, she thinks it'll be too long and hard to make conversation, but when we go to her family for an event, thats at least half the day gone. Then she's wondering if my other brothers kids will be there, but likely they wont because of an incident last time, which then becomes a conversation about kids on the spectrum, then saying how if she had known she wouldn't have had kids with me, instead suggesting a sperm donor, then wondering whether I would accept someone elses kid as mine, then saying it would be nice if you could edit the babys genetics to remove the autism, but only if its the hard kind like my neice and nephew.

I honestly felt like saying, 'yea, if we could edit the babys genes we could make sure it doesn't have pcos and weight problems and it has actual muscle mass and has a real ass, not pancakes, and has normal skin, not some saggy wrinkly open pore mess and some decent semblance of intelligence' but i know that the moment i say anything them im rude and im wrong.

Honestly though, I struggle pretty hard with the concept of love, im not really physically attracted to people in general and now i get the shadow knives in my back, sh*****g on me without actually directing it at me.
Reminds me of the time i couldn't understand some government form and her comment was 'when did you get so dumb' makes me feel really valued in the relationship.

Im thinking the plan at this point is now I'll ride my motorbike to see my niece and nephew next weekend, she can come if she wants and she'll have her car so she can leave whenever she wants.

End vent....

Wife's birthday today, and this year will be our 5th wedding anniversary. We've been a couple longer than that, though, coming up on 11 years. Thinking about her extra much right now, how lucky I am, and that she really is the most important person in my life. I'm sure I can be a total ass sometimes, so I'm happy she accepts me for who I am.

I totally agree my wife is the most important to me been married almost 34yrs.

Compassion is an Action: You Can Do This! (a message to men on the autism spectrum)


Hmm... food for thought....

19 years here .. and we'll be lucky to make it to 20. We have two kids, one of whom is on the spectrum. Analyzing her traits led us to believe I might be on the spectrum as well. Three years ago I was diagnosed and it explained a lot of the traits I have that drive her nuts.

She tries to give me my space but she's very much an extrovert so she wants to go out a lot more than I do, so she winds up going out with friends. I'm also prone to meltdowns that I am working to control but can really upset her when they occur.

All this is wearing her down -- and me too. She wants out but her religious beliefs won't let her unless I cheat on her or get violent. I want out but I don't want to be a deadbeat dad. Plus our finances aren't very good. So we're basically two individuals in a marriage but living our own lives in our own way. Not ideal but I guess it beats putting the kids through a divorce.

I’m 35 and my fiancée is 37. We both have level 1 ASD formerly Asperger’s Syndrome. We’ve been engaged for 7 years next month which is the reason September is the start of my favorite 4 months of the year. We send each other things back and forth but we have a very very difficult time socially we’ll only talk once a month even though night before last I basically ran to her because I’m having a very difficult time emotionally with my meds and I begged her to call me (which she did) when I was in the hospital for a nervous breakdown. I don’t know what I would do without her. My brother disagrees with her as well as her sisters probably disagree with me, but we need to keep in mind they’re gonna be in-laws soon. I’m waiting till I’m good and ready to leave my life here and start a new one with her in another state but we’ll need to meet in person which we’re trying to arrange twice (her visit here and me visit there.)

Again, I’m no expert. (Going through a mediated divorce after 18 years—two separated.). But at the beginning of the separation, I was realizing how I’d totally missed her emotional needs, how she had “deselfed” her own needs: first, “Maybe I can change my behavior and he’ll change/improve,” and then when that didn’t work, “Maybe I don’t really need those things for myself….”

Both are terrible fallacies (in my opinion): you can’t “change” someone else, I suspect that you can only—at best—love them and encourage & maybe aid a little if, when, and how _they_ want to grow _themselves_. And, you can’t deny your own needs simply because the person—spouse, friend, parent, teacher, boss, etc—isn’t providing you what you need and/or want.

Isn’t it preferable, if not necessary, that you each get some—maybe even a fair amount—of incompatible needs from other friends, family meme era, or special hobbies/interests?

It is.
Giving each other space can be the best form of love - because the best form of love is giving each other what the other really needs.

This looks really interesting. Has anyone bought the e-book?