Attempts to try and figure out this whole dating thing again

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NotaHero
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13 Nov 2015, 12:12 pm

Hey. First this is really more just my need to vent something. Not really looking for advice. I’m just trying to feel a bit more normal. Realising that the pressure of dating is really too much for me. It’s just a skill set I don’t have and just a source of anxiety I could do without.

Recently I’ve been trying to work on a few little bits of self improvements to help make better connections and friendships. It’s all been going well, so I also thought that I should maybe try and meet expectations and try again to start trying to meet some women.

So far I’ve found that this is still beyond me and I find the whole thing very exhausting. Now I understand there are all sorts of non verbal signals going on and I am learning to give out more positive signals, it still seems that I struggle to read/understand the more subtle ones used in the dating scene. (or I am just not getting any anyway).

I just don’t know how to build up that rapport. Getting a bit better at just talking to people, but it seems beyond me to make it more than just friendship without doing anything weird or creepy. I’ve also learnt that trying to also use some messenger type app to get to know them better and try and see if I can move it forward really doesn’t work for me. Again I don’t know how people use them with people they don’t know very well and make a connection. I go on it with the intention of being funny and interesting and find out about them, but just have boring little chats about nothing.

I think I might go away from this for a while again as clearly need to work on it more if I ever feel I will understand other people.



MadamePolariz
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13 Nov 2015, 8:42 pm

I do not understand attempting to flirt using texts or messenger apps either. I text to sort out logistics ("see you at the pub at 7", "running late, be there in 10"), period.

Have you considered giving online dating a shot, using a free site or two like POF or OKC?



nurseangela
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13 Nov 2015, 8:45 pm

I totally agree - it's exhausting.


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Earthling
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13 Nov 2015, 8:57 pm

NotaHero wrote:
dating It’s just a skill set I don’t have and just a source of anxiety I could do without.

I like that you said "skill", implying that it can be learned. ;)

And well, yeah I don't know about rapport either. It seems to be a constant thing that builds up trust step by step.
No factual experience with what works.
There are plenty of how to's though, I've already taken a look at some.
Did you know that there is a WP video about flirting and getting a date?
http://wrongplanet.net/video/how-to-fli ... alk-tv-20/



NotaHero
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14 Nov 2015, 5:57 am

Earthling wrote:
NotaHero wrote:
dating It’s just a skill set I don’t have and just a source of anxiety I could do without.

I like that you said "skill", implying that it can be learned. ;)

Trying to clutch on to any possible little ray of hope :lol: I have learnt some social skills that make it a lot easier, but I think by learning you just won't be able to master the more subtle ones that most people don't learn, but do by nature.

The whole messenger thing was just a lesson learned. And you are right MadamePolariz, just don't do it! Dating apps would be overload for me. I'm not the person who wants to have a girlfriend, I just figured out I would feel better if I meet a girl I like and she seemed to like me I could at least see where it goes. In the past I seem to have instead found a way to push people like that away, it becomes bad between us and I end up feeling down, so that's what I want to change.

I do remember watching that video, before I had done much work. It does feel like you are following some rules. I think I ended up thinking that it's not quite natural and even still in that situation my mind just doesn't want to give be any useful thing to say, so it doesn't lead to that elusive rapport thing that seems to be the key to it all.



NotaHero
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14 Nov 2015, 5:57 am

nurseangela wrote:
I totally agree - it's exhausting.

Glad it's not just me!