is body language enough to make people hate you?

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skibum
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16 Nov 2015, 11:25 am

Cockroach96 wrote:
Not only body language, but what you say, your tone of voice and the general vibe you emit. Spectrumites can be detected easily. I've noticed an autistic guy at my university, and I knew about his condition from the moment I first saw him.
The first person to tell me I was on the Spectrum said the same thing. He knew immediately from the very first moment I entered the room the first day he ever saw me. My psychologist who did my official diagnosis also said that. He said that it was so obvious when I first entered the lobby of the office that he did not even need to bother doing the diagnosis. Of course, legally he had to so we did the whole 8 hour comprehensive thing but he said that my Autism so so blatantly obvious if you are really familiar with Autism and know how to look, that there was no question about it even without testing.

Even people who know me well but are not familiar with Autism know that I am different and that I have special needs and requirements. People who don't know me just assume my behavior is whatever they think that behavior would be if they were the ones doing it. So they are usually always wrong. And it's funny, the ones who assume they know what it is never ask. The people who know me actually ask me and if they react without asking and get it wrong, they tend to apologize, where the ones who just assume and project whatever they want to think I am feeling towards them never apologize or even ever acknowledge that they might have gotten it wrong. Even it I try to tell them what I was really feeling, they insist that I am lying and that it was really what they thought.


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16 Nov 2015, 11:38 am

Ah, the curse of being an aspie. You take it with you everywhere you go and can't drop it.


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16 Nov 2015, 11:39 am

goatfish57 wrote:
After many long years, I discovered something. Being angry is no fun. So, I developed coping mechanisms to hide it from the world. One technique is to be sincere. Give people an honest compliment. Finding something that makes me smile and then using it. Change happens only when I have to courage to try and fail. The world is less scary when I wear a smile.

The Japanese have a saying, "A nail that sticks out gets hammered down." I am that nail and I try to avoid that hammer. Learning how to smile and make small talk helps.

Yes, I am lying to the world. But, no one cares.


Print this post out, frame it and hang it on the wall.



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16 Nov 2015, 11:49 am

It's impossible not to feel angry when you are the world's punching bag. You can't just be a saint, taking it all and saying nothing.


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skibum
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16 Nov 2015, 12:36 pm

Cockroach96 wrote:
It's impossible not to feel angry when you are the world's punching bag. You can't just be a saint, taking it all and saying nothing.
I had a similar conversation with my brother the other day. Someone had made a stupid comment to me about how I should ignore my Autism and get on with my life. I told him about that and he told me that the person who made that comment does not understand Autism so I need to be forgiving and gentle with that person. I can certainly do that and I am doing that and will continue to, but I explained to him that it gets really hard to be in that position.

I told him that first of all, we are the ones who are suffering with our symptoms and traits, and secondly, we are the ones who have to cope with that and figure out how to get through it all day every day. Then thirdly, we have to expend energy to cope with all this in a way that does not offend society. Then when society makes rude and stupid comments to us about what we are going through and how we are trying to cope with it, we have to, in the midst of trying to cope with whatever is hurting us, rise above the hurt of the comments and understand that they don't understand us and forgive them and be nice and gentle to them so that we don't hurt them in our response to them hurting us. I told him that this is quite a bit to ask of someone. I said that of course I will do my best to be gentle with these people, but when they make these comments to me when I am going through something, those comments really hurt. I think he really started to understand what I said for the first time because his whole demeanor changed and softened and he gave me the mother of all bear hugs.


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16 Nov 2015, 1:35 pm

Neotenous Nordic wrote:
goatfish57 wrote:
After many long years, I discovered something. Being angry is no fun. So, I developed coping mechanisms to hide it from the world. One technique is to be sincere. Give people an honest compliment. Finding something that makes me smile and then using it. Change happens only when I have to courage to try and fail. The world is less scary when I wear a smile.

The Japanese have a saying, "A nail that sticks out gets hammered down." I am that nail and I try to avoid that hammer. Learning how to smile and make small talk helps.

Yes, I am lying to the world. But, no one cares.


Print this post out, frame it and hang it on the wall.


Thank you for the compliment


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16 Nov 2015, 2:05 pm

skibum wrote:
Cockroach96 wrote:
It's impossible not to feel angry when you are the world's punching bag. You can't just be a saint, taking it all and saying nothing.
I had a similar conversation with my brother the other day. Someone had made a stupid comment to me about how I should ignore my Autism and get on with my life. I told him about that and he told me that the person who made that comment does not understand Autism so I need to be forgiving and gentle with that person. I can certainly do that and I am doing that and will continue to, but I explained to him that it gets really hard to be in that position.

I told him that first of all, we are the ones who are suffering with our symptoms and traits, and secondly, we are the ones who have to cope with that and figure out how to get through it all day every day. Then thirdly, we have to expend energy to cope with all this in a way that does not offend society. Then when society makes rude and stupid comments to us about what we are going through and how we are trying to cope with it, we have to, in the midst of trying to cope with whatever is hurting us, rise above the hurt of the comments and understand that they don't understand us and forgive them and be nice and gentle to them so that we don't hurt them in our response to them hurting us. I told him that this is quite a bit to ask of someone. I said that of course I will do my best to be gentle with these people, but when they make these comments to me when I am going through something, those comments really hurt. I think he really started to understand what I said for the first time because his whole demeanor changed and softened and he gave me the mother of all bear hugs.

If only everyone was as understanding as him. :(


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16 Nov 2015, 2:28 pm

Cockroach96 wrote:
skibum wrote:
Cockroach96 wrote:
It's impossible not to feel angry when you are the world's punching bag. You can't just be a saint, taking it all and saying nothing.
I had a similar conversation with my brother the other day. Someone had made a stupid comment to me about how I should ignore my Autism and get on with my life. I told him about that and he told me that the person who made that comment does not understand Autism so I need to be forgiving and gentle with that person. I can certainly do that and I am doing that and will continue to, but I explained to him that it gets really hard to be in that position.

I told him that first of all, we are the ones who are suffering with our symptoms and traits, and secondly, we are the ones who have to cope with that and figure out how to get through it all day every day. Then thirdly, we have to expend energy to cope with all this in a way that does not offend society. Then when society makes rude and stupid comments to us about what we are going through and how we are trying to cope with it, we have to, in the midst of trying to cope with whatever is hurting us, rise above the hurt of the comments and understand that they don't understand us and forgive them and be nice and gentle to them so that we don't hurt them in our response to them hurting us. I told him that this is quite a bit to ask of someone. I said that of course I will do my best to be gentle with these people, but when they make these comments to me when I am going through something, those comments really hurt. I think he really started to understand what I said for the first time because his whole demeanor changed and softened and he gave me the mother of all bear hugs.

If only everyone was as understanding as him. :(
He is the best brother ever. I am so blessed to have him. Yeah, if everyone was more like him the world would be a much better place.


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16 Nov 2015, 8:21 pm

Cockroach96 wrote:
It's impossible not to feel angry when you are the world's punching bag. You can't just be a saint, taking it all and saying nothing.


Even a saint has the right to self defense, to properly value himself or herself as a human being and not accept being treated like a doormat. And sometimes, you absolutely have to speak up.

...


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17 Nov 2015, 12:17 pm

I was treated like a doormat in middle school, I tried to stand up and was stomped. Not everyone survives.


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xile123
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21 Dec 2016, 5:26 pm

Yeah I can't even be in a work/school environment without people hating me because I refuse to make eye contact or stare uncomfortably at their faces.

I can understand why people who dont know me well would be upset by the fact I don't look at the person when talking or I move around the room a lot and stim when in a conversation but all these things help me listen in better. I've tried forcing myself to look *near* a persons face when talking but it is far too distracting.



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21 Dec 2016, 5:33 pm

goatfish57 wrote:
LupaLuna wrote:
I've always wondered how important putting a smile on your face is. No matter how hard I try. I could never put a fake smile on my face. Anybody who looks at me will tell me that it looks fake. Besides, trying to do it just feel dirty and wrong. If I'm gonna put a real smile on my face. I need to be feeling real joy or happiness in my heart. Otherwise, Never gonna happen.


I can explain the way I do it. I find dogs to very amusing. Their facial expressions are easy and they will look back at you. I practiced on dogs. It is fun and it works for me. When I need to smile, I think of a funny dog face.


Dogs are way easier to read than people.



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21 Dec 2016, 6:15 pm

hollowmoon wrote:
I noticed that people always seem to hate me, even when I'm not talking. Is body language enough to make people hate you?


It's actually about the whole picture. It is possible to be liked with a bad body language if you can present yourself in a way that people can relate to in a positive way, such as try to be a nice person towards others. However if you fail to express positive values that others can relate to and diverge too much from the norm people will see you in a bad light. It is human nature to frown upon breaking the norm. One example is that if somebody came to your house and took your TV it would be breaking the norm. However if the guy would actually enjoy the TV more than you, would it be ethically wrong? Just something to chew on :)



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21 Dec 2016, 6:18 pm

xile123 wrote:
Yeah I can't even be in a work/school environment without people hating me because I refuse to make eye contact or stare uncomfortably at their faces.

I can understand why people who dont know me well would be upset by the fact I don't look at the person when talking or I move around the room a lot and stim when in a conversation but all these things help me listen in better. I've tried forcing myself to look *near* a persons face when talking but it is far too distracting.


Overfocusing on something can make you focus on the wrong goal/values as in too detailed which is why people with autism can struggle with socialising. Instead of focusing on how you should respond and mechanics of eyecontact try to just do this simple thing. From now on your goal can be "I want to be a kind or friendly person". For me taking such a perspective instead of thinking too mechanically helps at least.



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21 Dec 2016, 7:24 pm

Yes our body language just isnt there. it all happens on a subconscious level. we cant help it, the best we can do is actively read other peoples