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GiantHockeyFan
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21 Nov 2015, 10:51 am

Just search for 'bullying' on this site and you will get your answer. I thought I was past it but no, the feelings of anger are still there all these years later. It was so bad and traumatic that my own brother asked me to draw up a 'list' and if he ever got a terminal illness he would 'consult' that list. He was dead serious and no I haven't drawn it up.... yet although he does know a few of them already. He later mentioned how he knows how to take someone out without being caught. I still don't know if he was serious about that!

Grammar Geek wrote:
Anytime I ever tried to fight a bully back, I would be the one to get in trouble and the bully would get off scot-free.
Yes, I was 6'4" and towered over my bullies. Why did I take it? Because two of them were short, innocent looking and were (and are) master manipulators. They are the types of guys who could convince the WP community that I am a reptilian from Neptune set to wipe of humanity. I was also scared that if I got into trouble I would lose my honour roll status, not get into University and get a dead end job, you know like the one I have now. One bully's father actually got a teacher FIRED for standing up for me so you can guess how the rest turned a blind eye.

It's like being attacked by a street thug and having a cop standing next to you waving handcuffs at you and telling you if you lay a finger on your attacker, guess where you are going.



shakalaka
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21 Nov 2015, 11:51 am

Edenthiel wrote:
I was bullied from pre-K until the 6th grade. Physically beat up several times a week, emotionally thrashed and shamed every day. By other students, by teachers, by my family of origin. Eventually I just shut down and hid my sense of Self away to keep it safe. Even from myself.

Long term effect: I found my sense of Self again when I was 39 after a idiosyncratic traumatic event & have been spending the years since slowly rebuilding / growing it (it was like a 6-7 year old at first). Especially this last year; until February I knew once again it existed, I knew I needed to grow it, but didn't know how & didn't think I had any right to do so because that would be "selfish" of me. It's been kind of a nice process the last 10 months, but it is incredibly difficult to find anyone who actually understands. Apparently locking one's sense of Self away, even from your day-to-day, handle-interactions-and-responsibility-to-other-people's-expectations parts of your brain is not that popular of a survival technique.

To the OP/Starfoxx: What new ways of thinking have you had to discover, if I may ask?


Thank you for making that post, you have no idea how much it means to me to find that there is slim chance of getting out of this deep pit I'm in right now.

My father used to terrorize (luckily not physically) me all the time ever since I was very little. By the time I went to school I had already developed mild PTSD. At school I was bullied and demeaned every single day for being from a lower social class than others (I went to an elite school we're all rich kids went to). Outside of school was not better. I was drawn to some really bad people at that time, so I ended up all the time in stressful and often needlessly violent situations, I did not completely comprehend. I was under very high stress almost all the time. Luckily it got a little bit better after I refused to go back to school in 9th grade. I started going to new school, made some "decent" friends and cultivated a new perspective on some things. I've been mostly bully free ever since, with one exception. I had to do an year of compulsory military service. It was school all over again. Only this time I wasn't bullied for my social status, but instead.. well I don't know.. everyone was super insecure there and for some reason I had to suffer for their insecurity. At this point it seems like with all the stress I've been through I'm all set for a lifelong anxiety disorder.

When I was 5-6 I started the process of hiding myself away from myself. I used to play all these games pretending that I was an alien or an robot (I've always been a huge fan of sci-fi) in human skin stranded on earth and my survival depended solely on how well I could blend in and get along with rest of the humans. Now, just recently, at the age of 27, I've become to realize that I never stopped playing these games. While I don't pretend to be anyone else I still live like I'm undercover all the freaking time and have to get along with everyone. It's a mental construct I don't know how to break. And what makes it much worse is that I used take a lot of benzodiazepams over the course of 7 years. While they really helped me me turn my life around in many regards, they also gave me a false self image. So now that I've been 3 months clean I really have no idea who I am. I have this sense of my former self that I was on these drugs, but this person does not exist anymore. So now I'm left with deep emptiness in me where the self should be, I'm completely disassociated from my emotions. My life feels like a dream I expect to wake up from, but never do. It's really becoming unbearable to live this way. It's really hard to get the help that I need as none of the "specialists" I've seen really understands how I feel. I've lost most of hope lately as I can't see a way out of it and it's becoming a more and more tiring to live like this from day to day. Seeing that at least someone has made it to the other side from a similar place is encouraging to keep at it for at least a little bit longer.

So I thank you again for taking the time to make your post! :)



Lonehiker
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21 Nov 2015, 12:12 pm

I have a few times but nothing too serious. It is all because of my poor social skills. The bully will 'outsmart' me with jokes and wit. I cant communicate effectively and they will expose that to thier advantage.



Starfoxx
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23 Nov 2015, 3:59 pm

Thank you guys. This is really interesting.

Well I'm getting help now from a counsellor because I'm still thinking in the same way towards people as I did when I got bullied and that was more than 10 years ago.

I'm learning now that people have matured and don't want to hurt me anymore. The are more tolerant. Also I have to each day to say what things I'm good at. The councelor gives me tasks to do such as say hello to someone or whatever. Because I got bullied in the past I am very disfunctional around people. I can only do well around people if I have to as a job or task. Part of my problems could be my ASD although I've wondered if that weren't mistake. Until I overcome this problem I cannot know if I really have it.



CockneyRebel
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23 Nov 2015, 11:57 pm

I was verbally and emotionally bullied by my peers from Grade 1, up until I graduated from high school. I was also bullied in the same manner at a factory that I worked at 20 years ago from 1995 through to 1997. I haven't really been bullied except for by the odd dunderhead. I'm afraid to go out in the dark unless Dean, Barb and I are together as a result. I've developed a fear of teens and youths due to the type of bullying I've endured in high school. I had to pretend to be a hippie my last two years of high school to get my autism hating bullies off my back. It didn't work as well as I thought it was going to. Grade 8 thugs in training questioned my hippie state and I was found out by some ex-bullies who outed me on my love of British Invasion music and my hidden desire to have Mod type hair again. I was very angry at those two youths for doing that to me in a secluded area of that horror of a school. I wish I would have asked them what would it mattered if did cut my hair back to the way it was, and if they would pick on me because they'd think I'd look primitive.


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zkydz
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24 Nov 2015, 12:36 am

Oddly enough, every time I was bullied or pushed to fight, I walked away the winner. But, when I tried to push back and be the big kid, I always got the crap kicked out of me. That's how I learned to not be what you hate. But, three times I got pushed into a fight, and I had to be pulled off the kids.


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Starfoxx
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24 Nov 2015, 3:19 pm

shakalaka wrote:
Edenthiel wrote:
I was bullied from pre-K until the 6th grade. Physically beat up several times a week, emotionally thrashed and shamed every day. By other students, by teachers, by my family of origin. Eventually I just shut down and hid my sense of Self away to keep it safe. Even from myself.

Long term effect: I found my sense of Self again when I was 39 after a idiosyncratic traumatic event & have been spending the years since slowly rebuilding / growing it (it was like a 6-7 year old at first). Especially this last year; until February I knew once again it existed, I knew I needed to grow it, but didn't know how & didn't think I had any right to do so because that would be "selfish" of me. It's been kind of a nice process the last 10 months, but it is incredibly difficult to find anyone who actually understands. Apparently locking one's sense of Self away, even from your day-to-day, handle-interactions-and-responsibility-to-other-people's-expectations parts of your brain is not that popular of a survival technique.

To the OP/Starfoxx: What new ways of thinking have you had to discover, if I may ask?


Thank you for making that post, you have no idea how much it means to me to find that there is slim chance of getting out of this deep pit I'm in right now.

My father used to terrorize (luckily not physically) me all the time ever since I was very little. By the time I went to school I had already developed mild PTSD. At school I was bullied and demeaned every single day for being from a lower social class than others (I went to an elite school we're all rich kids went to). Outside of school was not better. I was drawn to some really bad people at that time, so I ended up all the time in stressful and often needlessly violent situations, I did not completely comprehend. I was under very high stress almost all the time. Luckily it got a little bit better after I refused to go back to school in 9th grade. I started going to new school, made some "decent" friends and cultivated a new perspective on some things. I've been mostly bully free ever since, with one exception. I had to do an year of compulsory military service. It was school all over again. Only this time I wasn't bullied for my social status, but instead.. well I don't know.. everyone was super insecure there and for some reason I had to suffer for their insecurity. At this point it seems like with all the stress I've been through I'm all set for a lifelong anxiety disorder.

When I was 5-6 I started the process of hiding myself away from myself. I used to play all these games pretending that I was an alien or an robot (I've always been a huge fan of sci-fi) in human skin stranded on earth and my survival depended solely on how well I could blend in and get along with rest of the humans. Now, just recently, at the age of 27, I've become to realize that I never stopped playing these games. While I don't pretend to be anyone else I still live like I'm undercover all the freaking time and have to get along with everyone. It's a mental construct I don't know how to break. And what makes it much worse is that I used take a lot of benzodiazepams over the course of 7 years. While they really helped me me turn my life around in many regards, they also gave me a false self image. So now that I've been 3 months clean I really have no idea who I am. I have this sense of my former self that I was on these drugs, but this person does not exist anymore. So now I'm left with deep emptiness in me where the self should be, I'm completely disassociated from my emotions. My life feels like a dream I expect to wake up from, but never do. It's really becoming unbearable to live this way. It's really hard to get the help that I need as none of the "specialists" I've seen really understands how I feel. I've lost most of hope lately as I can't see a way out of it and it's becoming a more and more tiring to live like this from day to day. Seeing that at least someone has made it to the other side from a similar place is encouraging to keep at it for at least a little bit longer.

So I thank you again for taking the time to make your post! :)



curiouscat1993
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24 Nov 2015, 3:30 pm

I've been occasionally bullied at middle school the first year was the worst but then after that it wasn't so bad. In high school surprisedly I was never bullied which I think is weird since I appeared like a target of bullying.



redrobin62
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24 Nov 2015, 5:26 pm

Yes, I was bullied a few times in school. Luckily I isolated, though, otherwise it would've been a bit more. Mainly I got beaten by my father and his mother. I've been hit on the head by my aunt and had a gun pulled on me by my step-father. There were also a few times I was robbed/mugged by strangers in the street. I'd say, though, that the most abuse I've had were from my own family.



ASS-P
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24 Nov 2015, 5:44 pm

...Yes :( . I've tended to forget :x :cry: .



EzraS
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25 Nov 2015, 5:03 am

I have been teased, picked on, bullied plenty of times. Both verbally and physically. And all by kids on the spectrum, both boys and girls. Although I'm sure it would have been much worse if I had been in regular public school.



Katherington
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25 Nov 2015, 10:36 am

I was bullied in sixth grade The teachers used me as a scapegoat. They didn't at all understand that if I wasn't paying attention it was because I knew the information already. They refused to move me up to higher classes because I was missed the first week of school, due to being sick. They (somehow I have no idea why) confused me asking questions at a higher level with with being disruptive. I was told I wasn't good enough. They also deamed one of my stims (playing with my hair)inappropriate for the classroom. I, someone who always loved school, started dreading it.
My classmates noticed I was the one getting blamed for practically everything and after a meltdown about 2/3 of the way through the year really started blaming me too. Some of the other students started bullying me too. The teachers turned a blind eye to the bullying, punishing me for not handling it correctly. The school year drew to a close. I didn't return the following year.



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25 Nov 2015, 3:31 pm

Starfoxx wrote:
So now that I've been 3 months clean I really have no idea who I am. I have this sense of my former self that I was on these drugs, but this person does not exist anymore. So now I'm left with deep emptiness in me where the self should be, I'm completely disassociated from my emotions. My life feels like a dream I expect to wake up from, but never do. It's really becoming unbearable to live this way. It's really hard to get the help that I need as none of the "specialists" I've seen really understands how I feel. I've lost most of hope lately as I can't see a way out of it and it's becoming a more and more tiring to live like this from day to day. Seeing that at least someone has made it to the other side from a similar place is encouraging to keep at it for at least a little bit longer. So I thank you again for taking the time to make your post! :)


Starfoxx, I *know* that feeling. Believe it or not, it is a good thing - it means you have already moved forward. And moving forward means that someday you *will* feel again, someday that emptiness will be filled with feelings and emotions and wants and loves. It takes time to grow a Self and time to build up trust. It's like you have to explore that emptiness to see where to put things later.

Think of it as a seedling that was sprouted in the winter on a windowsill. You'll probably want to nurture and protect it while it's still frosty outside, but as time progresses you'll also want it to gradually let it grow strong by exposing it to sunlight and wind and more soil and all that makes up the outside world. You have to, or it will grow weak and leggy (too much stem, not enough leaves as it strives to find more light with which to grow strong). That's all metaphor, but it fits. I inadvertently went through that last part several times, but eventually I *was* able to grow again. That's how so much personal growth happens, in fits and spurts; you just haven't witnessed it in yourself so it's unfamiliar. Normally the process of growing an internal sense of Self is so slow people don't notice. This is like condensing a decade of growth into a handful of years. It still takes time. You will run into blocks and dark periods; that's okay they are part of feeling again, too. At some point you climb out of each one because you feel you need to and you value yourself just enough to make yourself do it. Each time that happens you gain a little confidence and self worth. These are necessary processes.

I know what you mean about specialists, btw. Not one of them actually grokked what I was going through, either. This doesn't fit the current models of PTSD, although c-PTSD seems in parts a good fit. But it is not officially recognized by the APA & no schools of therapy incorporate it yet.


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26 Nov 2015, 12:56 am

Teen with Asperger's Syndrome: How I cope with bullies - BBC


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26 Nov 2015, 1:00 am

in grade 8 the kids used to call me freak face and throw garbage at me, sometimes they would throw all their garbage on my tray at lunch. It caused some pretty bad paranoia and a whole lot of other issues.


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