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BeaArthur
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25 Nov 2015, 4:44 pm

I see a lot of low self-regard in posts here. I understand where that is coming from, but believing that self-talk, or even engaging in it, is a CHOICE. Whatever your potential is, you will achieve less than your potential to the extent that you discourage yourself with negative self-talk.

So learn to recognize when you’re doing it, and stop. Better yet, replace it with a little self-pep-talk.


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kraftiekortie
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25 Nov 2015, 4:53 pm

I absolutely agree.

People create self-fulfilling prophecies for themselves.

People, in general, should strive towards a relatively objective view of themselves.

Instead of prophesizing doom for themselves.



neilson_wheels
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25 Nov 2015, 5:01 pm

I agree too, it can be a very hard habit to break though.



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25 Nov 2015, 5:13 pm

I don't think I even understand anymore what "self-esteem" actually means.


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BeaArthur
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25 Nov 2015, 6:44 pm

FMX wrote:
I don't think I even understand anymore what "self-esteem" actually means.

I guess it could be paraphrased, how much you like yourself?

Anyone got a better answer?


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Jacoby
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25 Nov 2015, 7:33 pm

I don't think positive self-talk changes anything really, it doesn't matter if I don't believe it. I don't delude myself, I am not narcissist, my self-esteem is a reflection of the circumstances of my life currently so that has to improve for me to feel better about myself. I'm working so hard at it, it is killing me, I just want to be a "functional" person and not a burden to anyone. Relationships of any kind would be welcomed but I'm just too clueless and too anxiety ridden to form any friendship or more. I wish I was 10 years younger, things would be so much easier, seems like it may be too late now.



BeaArthur
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25 Nov 2015, 8:50 pm

Jacoby wrote:
I don't think positive self-talk changes anything really, it doesn't matter if I don't believe it. I don't delude myself, I am not narcissist, my self-esteem is a reflection of the circumstances of my life currently so that has to improve for me to feel better about myself. I'm working so hard at it, it is killing me, I just want to be a "functional" person and not a burden to anyone. Relationships of any kind would be welcomed but I'm just too clueless and too anxiety ridden to form any friendship or more. I wish I was 10 years younger, things would be so much easier, seems like it may be too late now.

Jacoby, I'm sorry to see you feeling so discouraged. What is your relationship with your family like?

And yes, it is hard working to improve things.


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ASPartOfMe
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25 Nov 2015, 9:06 pm

Be positive advice, people telling me I did good when I know know I did not always makes me more negative. What has made less negative is experiencing life. My worst fears repeatidly not coming and sometimes things actually worked out well in the end.


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Jacoby
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25 Nov 2015, 9:46 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
I don't think positive self-talk changes anything really, it doesn't matter if I don't believe it. I don't delude myself, I am not narcissist, my self-esteem is a reflection of the circumstances of my life currently so that has to improve for me to feel better about myself. I'm working so hard at it, it is killing me, I just want to be a "functional" person and not a burden to anyone. Relationships of any kind would be welcomed but I'm just too clueless and too anxiety ridden to form any friendship or more. I wish I was 10 years younger, things would be so much easier, seems like it may be too late now.

Jacoby, I'm sorry to see you feeling so discouraged. What is your relationship with your family like?

And yes, it is hard working to improve things.


My parents and siblings are all I have, extended family I don't really consider family anymore. I'm close to my mom and can tell her some things but she is so busy with her job and the rest of the family, my dad I am fine with for the most part but he isn't someone that gives emotional support or someone I feel sharing what I am going thru with. Siblings I am closer with now than when I was a teen but neither of them are having an easy time of things either, I think our genes are cursed or something to be honest. Maybe my parents were secretly related or something I dunno, just been a black cloud over us all these years it seem.s

I haven't given up as hopeless as I feel sometimes, there really isn't another alternative other than dying. I just feel like things could be so much better if only some things broke my way, some momentum in the right direction and maybe everything would come together but there isn't much logic in that I guess. You just want something to hold on to(metaphorically), a job, material things, girlfriend or just plain friend. I just want to be like everyone else, I don't want to be inadequate.



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25 Nov 2015, 10:41 pm

Jacoby, it seems our young-adult aspies have the hardest time of all, they have aged out of any programs through the school system and there is very little to help with the next phase of life. If you can hang in there awhile, perhaps you will discover who you are and what your purpose is - as well as get some coping strategies and adult life skills. Some things that helped my daughter go from early to late 20s were getting on SSI so she is financially independent, getting a car (I gave her my old one), exploring DVR (jobs for people with disabilities) and when she found she really can't work, coming to accept that, using online support groups, building a friend network (she is very proud of that), taking yoga, moving into her own apartment, getting involved with a religious community, and finally after much dating, settling down with one partner.

She is much happier now, and likes her life even though she really can't work a regular job. I think some of these things might make a big difference for you. Have you applied for any social programs?


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Jacoby
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25 Nov 2015, 11:41 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
Jacoby, it seems our young-adult aspies have the hardest time of all, they have aged out of any programs through the school system and there is very little to help with the next phase of life. If you can hang in there awhile, perhaps you will discover who you are and what your purpose is - as well as get some coping strategies and adult life skills. Some things that helped my daughter go from early to late 20s were getting on SSI so she is financially independent, getting a car (I gave her my old one), exploring DVR (jobs for people with disabilities) and when she found she really can't work, coming to accept that, using online support groups, building a friend network (she is very proud of that), taking yoga, moving into her own apartment, getting involved with a religious community, and finally after much dating, settling down with one partner.

She is much happier now, and likes her life even though she really can't work a regular job. I think some of these things might make a big difference for you. Have you applied for any social programs?

I appreciate you sharing that

I have been with VR for some years now, I had came back to school after some years this but I think I will at least take a break next semester given the stress I've been living under the last few months. I know I shouldn't but I don't feel like I am at that place or have the supports needed, I feel like it is setting myself up to fail. I don't deal with stress well, I get worn down, you'd think the longer you are there the more settled in you will become but its been the opposite for me because these last couple weeks have been the hardest. I think a big part of the reason is that I don't have much a support network, my mom just doesn't have the time and there is a very caring vendor that has taken an interest in helping me and I'm grateful for it since even a few texts a day helps tremendously but nothing at the school or anywhere else.

I've tried these clinics out and it seems like these must be where they send people when they are court ordered to see someone or something since I see a lot of sun-baked homeless people and dudes with teardrop tattoos, I don't like their whole set up and the therapist I talked to I felt didn't listen to me and was dismissive plus they want to force me to go to group with these weirdos and I just know I wouldn't get anything out of that. Medication to be honest hasn't been that helpful, helpful to steer off the worst physical feelings of a panic attack maybe but that's just a small part. SSI, who knows, it's a crap shoot but VR has wanted me to get the application in for quite a while so we'll see. VR is thinking I should go to a smaller school which I dunno if it would really help, I want to try to work just to see how it would go and with the hope that maybe I'd feel a little better about myself with a little money in my pocket and actual answer to "so what do you do?"

I would say my school system failed me with the transition out of high school, it failed me while I was there too, in all honesty I probably shouldn't of even graduated high school since I probably did like less than half the work everybody else did because my school district was so greedy that they'd rather just pass me along than pay for me to go to a specialized school that my therapist thought would of helped me. This is something I was and am still very resentful about, we can't pick the circumstances of your birth unfortunately but to know that they could of did something but didn't just makes me hate the whole corrupt educational system since I never had any chance. If they had their way they would of stuck me in the special ed class next to the kid of with down syndrome, awful greedy people who do not give a rat's ass about kids. I wonder how many of the teachers I had were only there because the government was paying part of their tuition for teaching "disadvantaged" students, those young nice teachers tended to come and go quickly. I guess it is pointless thinking about the past like that, it is what it is and I can't change it no matter how much I hate them. They failed a lot of people, not just me, it was a conditioning for prison.

I'm just kind of at the point where I am so isolated that it is pretty hard to come back from it, even online I don't have friends anymore. I don't know what happened, the internet has changed a lot of the last 15 years so now it's all social networking garbage which I don't participate in which I guess is a prerequisite now to be a member of society. I've always hated social network sites, it always seemed like a popularity contest and I think it would just make me feel worse using it. I do miss just talking to people, I had a good friend back home but he wasn't the friend I thought he was or maybe I was just naive since one day I just never heard from him again and I later hear he's on heroin. Heroin really did a number on my peer group from school, I guess if we're going to look for any positives of being on the spectrum then I guess I mostly stayed clear of trouble when everyone else around me was either using drugs or selling them. Part of me wonders what type of person I would of turned out to be if I were NT or "normal" given the environment I grew up in, whole different life. It's crazy how many people are dying from heroin, I hear about these hot doses or whatever killing dozens of people back home and it just sickens me.

Everybody says its going to get better, hopefully it does soon.



cathylynn
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26 Nov 2015, 12:21 am

circumstances don't have to dictate self-esteem. i had more self-esteem on disability than when i practiced medicine because i learned that all humans have worth just because they're human and we're all equal.



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26 Nov 2015, 12:31 am

I think a lot of us fall somewhere in the middle...

BeaArthur wrote:
FMX wrote:
I don't think I even understand anymore what "self-esteem" actually means.

I guess it could be paraphrased, how much you like yourself?

Anyone got a better answer?


Well I'd say the school system did its' best to fail everyone no matter their neurology, case in point I'm a dropout with a HFA & a GED and my software repertoire covers some of the largest systems on our planet. Thing is, that's confidence, self esteem covers social skills and more importantly, their use. My social intelligence is usually OK but I rarely have a clue what to do with it. I think being notoriously studious, a lot of us operate on a sense of collective esteem.


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Falloy
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26 Nov 2015, 11:02 am

I have dreadfully low self esteem. I think it is my core problem. I really don't like myself at all.

How do I change that though?

I have a relentlessly critical internal voice - it's probably an amalgamation of my father, school bullies and the media. How can I possibly stand up to it?

I can never believe that anything I do is right or is good. I try and I try but I can't really believe it. I can pretend to believe it but what is the use of that?

So much "self help" is just shallow platitudes.

I can see that self-esteem shouldn't have to depend on external factors but you have to have something positive coming in. When you've been rejected and laughed at all your life you can't love yourself.

I don't see it as a choice to have low self esteem at all.



cberg
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26 Nov 2015, 12:56 pm

I suggest learning to enjoy laughing at oneself. It's not like the rest of us jump out of bed onto unicycles on tightropes every day - I'm invariably about to break some code/strip a bolt/stall my car/crash my bike/walk into stuff etc. To me that just becomes funnier & funnier...


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