Should I be with an older woman?

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First, some back story. Up until about a month ago I was involved with this very pretty girl from the Philippines, I drove to see her parents in Victoria, I had their blessing, I was saving up for her marriage visa. The girl before her (Chinese girl, let's call her Mei La) wasn't very nice to me or very pretty. With Mei La I felt like I was settling and wouldn't truly be happy. My relationship with Michelle was my last, best hope for happiness.

It failed. Michelle got mad at me. I said some bad things but she was still very happy up until about a week after that. Then for two days she acted very phlegmatic. Maybe because she had a new job she didn't have time to talk to me. Then, she all but ghosted me.

I was devested. After a while I went onto OKCupid. I spent a few weeks messaging girls on that. None of the girls who chatted with me were serious. Most of them wanted to talk about their interests more than dating.

Then I saw a girl who lived in the Philippines. I casually said "You're pretty. Wanna live in Australia? I'll buy you a Visa". She casually replied with "Sure". It was a few hours before she was asking for my last name so she could insert Mrs in front of it.

No problem right? 22 year old girl, not as pretty as Michelle but still fairly cute. After two days, something went wrong. She said that now she was "really falling for me" (she hadn't before?)

She said she was shy about her looks so she had been using her younger sister's OKCupid account. She said her sister told her to be honest. So she was honest. She's 31 years old. The prospect of being with a girl who's in her 30s fills me with horror. It seems so old. But then I remember while I may have the maturity of a 20 year old I'm actually 28. But with her I could never experience being with a girl in her 20s (Mei La doesn't count because we only got to 2nd base).

As for the older woman, let's call her Mary, she had yet another dark secret. She already had a kid. What is they say about women who have already given birth? Like throwing a baseball through a barn door?

I think she actually wants to bring her kid over. Raising my own kids would already be bad enough. I can't stand kids but the consolation is that with my own kid I'd at least be winning the game of evolution. With her 7 year old daughter, I'd be letting her ex win at evolution.

I have no ill will towards the poor child. I feel a bit sorry for her growing up in poverty so I sent some money to pay for her antibiotics. And what about Mary? What does she look like? She looks like a woman who's in her 30s. The horror!

Her personality is actually not that bad. She tends to cry a lot and she's a bit accident prone but she's OK. She's a lot more easy going than Michelle. Withh Michelle it was quite easy to offend her with my words. One day she would say something makes her mad, the next day she would say it's fine and discuss it openly and then when I try to discuss it the day after that she said it made her mad again. Why did Michelle have to be so inconsistant? Mostly she got mad about stuff related to sex and contraception. She was more interested in cuddling than sex. She talked endlessly about how she wanted someone to hug her and kiss her. I think she was a bit loved starved. She missed human contact after her last boyfriend dumped her. She had little interest in sex. She was very loving and sweet and passionate. But she was also a fiery one. She was small but fierce. She was very determined when it came to her job.

Mary doesn't anger easily. Mary doesn't mind talking openly about sex. It doesn't anger her and most of the time she's the one who actually brings the subject up. She's not so fiery, more like she's submissive. She says she'll have my breakfast ready before I wake up. She knows a lot of recipes. Michelle said she would cook for me and iron for me but she doesn't know many recipes. Michelle said she would do anything for the people she loves but it was just talk. When Mary says she will do anything for me she means it quit literally.

She follows my orders to the letter and calls me boss without meaning it sarcastically. Michelle was thin, Mary, not so thin. Now most girls would get offended when a guy tells them to go on a diet. Not Mary. I told her to eat only one meal per day. "Yes boss" she happily replied. Now she's on one slice of bread per day (her idea, not mine).

Mary seems very loving. She keeps on saying she loves me. She just doesn't seem as passionate about it. Not as fiery. Her phone calls are sickening sweet. Then again my phone calls with Michelle were cold as ice. Michelle's passion only extends as far as text. However, Michelle was a very nice sounding voice. Mary sounds like she's trying to a cute sounding voice and failing at it. She tries to do the ABG (Asian Baby Girl) voice. Mei La was an expert at this. Mary isn't. Michelle spoke in her natural tone of voice at all times.

Now talking to Mary only reminds me of how much I miss Michelle. She had personality. She was interesting. And her looks? I cannot overemphasize how amazing her looks are. She was waaaay out of my league. My friends were very impressed when they saw her pictures. Last year she went in a beauty pageant. She won it. She actually looked good enough to win a beauty pagent. I was going to spend my life with a beauty pageant winner. All in the past now, Michelle is gone. Her family was disappointed in her for leaving me because they really liked me.

So Mary? Nice girl but she feels like settling. She's too old. She probably used to be cute but not now. I used to think that I would have to settle because the perfect girl doesn't exist. That was before I knew of Michelle. There is a perfect girl and she dumped me.

Mary has a nice personality and she could do my ironing. Cooking? It would be nice if I didn't have to eat takeout all the time. How I miss home cooking. Sex would no issue for her. She has no problem with contraceptives (unlike Michelle who says they're bad, then says they're OK).

But I just have a hard time seeing me spending my life with Mary. I wouldn't mind having a brief relationship with her but the visa requires me to marry her. I wish I could marry Michelle instead.

So am I being shallow, getting hung up on looks and age? Or is it better for me not to settle with Mary? I know it's bad to settle but I feel like if I don't settle, if I don't draw the line somewhere I could be an old man before I meet a girl who's not settling. I have already used up a third of my life and I don't want to use up the rest of it. When I meet the girl for me, I want to have a lot of years left to spend with her. The years after 70 aren't much good due to failing health and mind. I have 42 years left. I don't want to spend a large fraction of that searching for a girl who isn't "settling".

Michelle is gone, probably. I had a brief conversation with her in which she said she forgave me. I asked her if she was willing to come back to me and she said she would talk to me at a time when she's not trying to sleep. I forgot about the timezone difference. She said would could chat tomorrow. That was a few days ago. She has not responded. I told her she could chat when she was "ready". That could take years.

Even talking to Mary makes me feel like I'm cheating on Michelle. I feel like I'm doing something immoral even though I'm not currently in a relationship with Michelle. Perhaps Michelle doesn't have time for me because her new job has very long hours, six days per week. I told her she shouldn't bother, she should just get a job here, I told her she's better off getting $17 per hour here than $2 per hour there.

I feel so conflicted. Maybe I should stop being shallow about looks and age and go with the older woman. Or maybe I should stop trying to settle and wait for a girl who feels right for me. It seems like that girl could only be Michelle. When I look into other girls' eyes, I just see Michelle. She was the only girl meant for me. If she doesn't come back maybe I'm better of spending my life alone.

Love is where you find it, and as long as you're both of legal age and single, there should be no problem.

The age difference you describe shouldn't be a big deciding factor on its own. If I have to give subjective criteria for judging a woman's desirability as a love interest, I would have to admit that being older is a negative factor, however 3 years is not a big difference. If a woman is older, then I might pay closer attention to how attractive I find her in other ways. I know this seems horrid but we all have our likes and dislikes. I have heard women unapologetically say that they prefer tall men with long blond hair, or for that matter that they frankly prefer black guys, and nobody complains. I have personally preferred to be with somebody younger (my wife is 4 1/2 years younger than I). But not all men are like that.

As for the other thing you said, I haven't experienced this personally, at least in my wife's case (my only data point) I don't recall noticing a difference.

Maybe you're right. Maybe 31 isn't too old for me. Since you're a millenarian I guess 31 doesn't seem that old too you.

I'm not even sure that I want to be with a girl my own age that much. Is it bad that I'd rather be with a 19 year old or a 22 year old instead of a girl my own age?

The way you speak of women who have given birth before is disgusting and disrespectful, as well as sexist and incorrect. Yes, giving birth can have lasting effects on a woman's body, but we were designed for it and healthy living tissue is elastic and durable. Most healthy women who give birth recover well from it and unless you are a doctor you likely wouldn't even know she had given birth in the first place. Your contempt for women's health and physiology is palpable and is probably detected by the women you date, which is likely contributing to your relationship troubles. Ever heard of Kegel exercises? Most adult women are prescribed them after birth to help their pelvic floor muscles return to pre-birth strength and to prevent issues like incontinence and other health complications. Try to have some compassion for 50% of the human race who has to go through things physically that you can never understand because you will never experience them yourself (periods, birth, menopause, etc.).

Offering to marry a girl you've never laid eyes on. Not letting the fact she lied to you dissuade you. Issuing orders and being happy she's allegedly following them. Her not seeing getting orders as a red flag issue.

If you can't see what's wrong with all of that, there's no advice that'd make even the tiniest bit of difference in this train wreck.

I'd rather not propose to girls I've never met but the visa requirements are infuriating. I'd rather just date this girl for a few months and then decide if I like her but the awful visa requirements say I have to marry her and I have to pay $7,000.

Maybe I should try dating someone in my own country. If I find someone, breaking it off with Mary will be very awkward. She keeps on making me promise I'll love no other and be with her forever.

I asked the counselor at work for advice on Friday and she said that it's OK for me to lead girls on because everyone else does it. Good point I guess. If Michelle can dump me, that means I can dump Mary. But I was divested after Michelle dumped me. Maybe Mary will feel the same way. I don't want to hurt her.

But maybe since Mary lied to me that means it's OK for me to lie to her. But what if Mary's the only woman who will ever love me? That means I can only dump her after I've got another girlfriend. Why does dating have to be so confusing for me. It's like a chess game.

That counselor gave you bad advice.

You're more worried about being with a woman 3 years older than you, but you aren't worried about marrying someone you haven't met and who has a kid? I'm not getting you at all.

And another thing, why are you wanting to get married so quick? These women are going to take you for a ride and I don't mean a good one. They don't care about you - they just want to get out of the miserable life they are living now. But go ahead since it is your decision and your life.

She's the kindest sweetest old lady. She always greets me with a smile. But she also tells me to commit tax fraud and insurance fraud. Maybe just because she's nice to me that doesn't mean I should follow her advice.I'm definitely worried about the already has a kid part. I don't want to raise some other guys kid. I'm reluctant to have my own kids. I'm very worried about her already having a kid.Because of the stupid visa requirements. I don't want to get married quick. I'd rather have a few years of going steady first. The department of immigration has other ideas. I could probably be OK with married life but I hate weddings, that includes my own wedding. I'd rather get married at the registry but all of the girls I've been involved with were very excited about the prospect of having an elaborate wedding.Yeah. I can't really blame them for wanting to leave a third world country but still... I was dreading the time I would have to dump Mary. I felt like it would be an immoral thing to do. But she lied to me. Why should it matter if I'm lying to her? Mary would do anything to get out of poverty, that means I can't trust her.

Michelle lives in poverty as well. I don't understand why she's now choosing to stay in poverty. I could have given her wealth and stability. I could've ended her three year dateless dry spell. I could've given her that blue eyed son she wanted. Why would she give up all that for a job that pays $2 per hour?

This is what stopped me from replying to his post.
I'm with you wilburforce.

I must have missed this part. I'm going to have to go back and read some again.

I just read this and you sound like a 2 yr old. You are definitely NOT ready for any relationship.

Yes I have but Mary hasn't. She didn't get "prescribed" anything at all after birth. You forgot that Mary lives in a country were seeing a doctor is a very rare privilege.So it's impossible for me to tell anyway? Well I didn't know that. Perhaps I haven't been with as many women as you have. Thanks for telling me that but please don't equate not knowing something with contempt.I will try but as you correctly said, I will never understand them because I will never experience them. Why then do you expect me to understand them? I try to have compassion but please remember that I'm not a gynecologist. I'm not an expert on that type of thing.

Why would you want to be with a woman who is using you?

It happened to me too, I start talking to men on dating sites & few days later, they tell me, they love me, another few days, they want to marry me & some of them had kids.