Advice for dating an Aspie

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Hi all!

This is my first post here and I hope I can get your advice on dating someone with Asperger

I've been dating this guy for almost a year and a half. Our first encounter was 5 years ago in college.. and man he was SO rude and arrogant!! ! We met online a few years later and we started talking. To my surprise he turned out to be a very kind and a funny person. We started chatting, then talking on the phone , skyping for months then finally we met. He is totally different from me.. but somehow we clicked! We talked for hours each day. About everything and nothing.

Unfortunately we broke up.. because of a comment he said that hurt me so much.
The decision was too difficult.. I felt that there was a very thin line between him being a total jerk OR something else (I didn't know about Asperger syndrome at that time). He told me he loved me for the first time while i was breaking up with him.. I broke his heart and mine was too. I was a bit harsh i have to admit.

Later on a friend suggested that he might have Asperger. I read about it and everything was suddenly clear!
I realized then why he suggested i should watch "Mozart and the Whale". I guess he knows he has Asperger but didn't know how to tell me. I feel so guilty that I misjudged him.
I also realized that probably my father has it too, maybe my grand father as well and that it can be genetic.


I want to get back with him and give this relationship a second try. I miss him dearly.

I called him and texted him several times but he is not answering, but lately he started sending (only texting) me jokes and funny pictures.. what does that mean? he totally refuses to chat about us but is ready to chat about anything else


I have a few questions to all of you, I would appreciate all of your answers/replies


- Will there be a risk of having children with severe autism?

- I read that many Aspies are either asexual or don't really enjoy physical intimacy, hugging kissing and caressing.. how true is this?

- Any suggestions of books to read or movies to watch?


Thank you

All people run the risk of children been on the AS, likewise people with AS run the risk of having NT kids.



Intimacy is different for NT and ND people you like some things and not others. This comes down to you needing to be willing to have a completely open discussion on what you need and what he needs and hopefully you can work things out.



No idea on this sure some others might.

A note on your interactions

I think he took your split up as final and you have hurt him deeply, I think you have blown it. That is why he won't communicate other than friendly interactions, I don't know him though. Do you know any people close to him? speak with them you might get a understanding what is going on, you could also try going to see him (be calm if it blows up though and don't react)

Another possibility he has moved on.

This risk is always there of course, but yes, having an autistic parent will increase the risk significantly.
The severity? that is anyones guess, not enough is know about the heritarity of autism to answer that part.


Quite true, but it often only applies to (semi) strangers.
In my case, i hate to be touched by anyone, but i couldn't keep my hands off of my girlfriend (when i had one)


You have already mentioned 'mozart and the whale', another one i know of is 'Adam'.
THere might be others, but these are the only ones i know myself

I say you need to have patience, many aspies including myself don't know how to handle things like that, and in many cases cause us to shut people out. On the bright side the sending of funny pictures shows there is still a bridge there. What you need to do is just take it slowly with the messages. when it comes to serious topics occasionally bring them up and then try and send funny pictures yourself, remember it may be some time until you can have full conversations again. and if you bring an important topic up to abruptly it could scare him. Though once you do mange to get back in a relationship with him, just continue with the patience.

The most informative book on AS that I have read to date was "The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood.

It seems like i blew the whole thing. I was patient for about 2 months but i couldn't take it. I brought up the topic.. He panicked obviously and disappeared for a couple of weeks then came back to sending funny stuff. Is that his way of telling me we r only friends now?
Because if it was over between us i can't switch to friendship moderight away!!
I can't understand what he wants.. It is very frustrating.. and he refuses to have a conversation

I just finished it
Thank u so much
Many things now make sense! Why he said that.. What it really meant when he made a mean comment.. How he is capable of working too much on what he loves without ever getting bored. Im happy he is working in what he likes but he rarely takes weekends!

The whole part about long term relationship concerns me that divorce rate is very high and that NT partners usually feel lonely and many end up getting depression , lack of self confidence... Etc
Will i be able to?
Growing up with my father who has Asperger was not easy at all. But in this case since we both know he has it..will we be able to deal with it? Will i be a supportive parter like he needs? Will he be a loving caring and supporting too?
How will we deal with such disappointments of not fulfilling each others need.. I don't know

Only time will tell.

The fact that you know about the (possible) issues beforehand and have sought out possible solutions and workarounds (including on this site) has given you a head-start in tackling them.
The biggest reason for the high divorce rate is *undiagnosed* autism in one of the partners (usually the man), if the condition is known and mentioned early in the relationship, the divorce rates go way down again (although, admittedly, still higher than average, and many don't even get married, scewing the results)

Just go with it, if he's talking to you he wants to reconnect on some level.. but my 2 cents is if he can't take the time to open up to you about himself or communicate his feelings accurately, a relationship is a massive waste of time.

I mean, I fully realize he has communication issues associated with his disability and anxiety, you can study up on how to handle asperger's but at the end of the day, you broke up because of things he said and did. You're sitting here trying to find things you can do better, and you can, but if he doesn't improve communication it's just a "thing" and not a relationship. Bluntly telling him that isn't really going to work either.. I guess you'd have to ask someone else how to get someone to be more open and trusting. I'm not.