Socially blind.

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I'm feeling extremely anxious and on edge right now especially, but this week in particular has been bad because of a conversation I had with my closest friends a few days ago.

My friends (whom I call my chosen family considering how very close we are) and I have this agreement that if something is upsetting someone in the group, it should be addressed right away because I cannot understand passive-aggressiveness or cold shoulder type treatment and oftentimes, I won't know that I've done something wrong.

This is something I asked them to do for me, but it has become a general rule for the entire group which is really good. Our spats don't last very long because we get everything out in the open asap.

Well they sat me down the other day to talk about some things I had been doing that they had been upset about for a while, but had been reluctant to bring up because they originally thought it wasn't that big a deal, but then they figured since it was bothering them that it should be addressed.

I am painfully sensitive and get very anxious when the attention is on me, especially if that attention involves criticism, so it was an extremely difficult conversation for me, but I still really appreciated it because I like to feel more in control and more aware of how I act so I can improve upon things.

There were a few different issues that came up, but they were mostly about my lack of manners in certain situations. I'm extremely, extremely self conscious about my manners and social skills. On the one hand, I think a very extensive portion of social niceties and whatnot make absolutely no sense and aren't necessary, but I would still *use* them for other people's sake obviously *if* I understood how and when to use them.

The stressful thing is, I don't understand them or how and when to use them.

Most of the issues they brought up were things I was 100% oblivious to, I had no idea they were issues.

As I said, I'm glad the conversation happened so now I know what I can improve upon, but there's part of me that wants to tell them that I try SO HARD to be socially acceptable for NT people and not offend anybody and use manners, but even trying my absolute hardest to implement those things, I don't even come close to NT level socially acceptable behaviour. I did not realize how in vain my efforts were until they brought these things up to me.

I'm just feeling so hopeless right now and... I can't ever figure out what other people are thinking and feeling and sometimes I feel like I'm asking too much when I ask them to be very blunt and open about their thoughts.

I don't know what to do or how to improve on being more socially aware... I feel like it's completely impossible for me. Not to mention it's so incredibly hard to attempt to improve upon something that means virtually nothing to you, just to make others happy.

I feel like, figuratively, I'm socially blind and I just stumble through social situations without a cane hoping I don't bump into someone and knock them over. But that's all I seem to be doing, no matter how hard I try.

I just feel anxious and... I feel like it's useless. It's all just useless. I don't know what response I'm looking for in terms of this post. Perhaps encouraging words or advice, but the sad part is I already KNOW what I have to do, it just seems quite apparent that it's an impossibility for me.

Do your friends acknowledge your efforts, and let you know when you do hit the mark? Improving a skill that you can't 'feel' or 'see' success in, requires positive as well as negative feedback. Think about being blind, and trying to improve your archery score. You might be able to do that without being able to see the target, but you'd need continuous feedback from a sighted person in order to improve your accuracy.

Try asking your friends for explicit, positive feedback whenever they notice that you have done something "right" in a social setting. Not the kind of gushing, pat you on the head praise most people think of when positive feedback is envisioned, but a simple nonverbal signal, like a nod of the head, or a hand gesture.

One thing that is important to remember in any relationship, even the one you have with yourself, is the 'five to one' rule. Five positive interactions to one negative one is the bare minimum ratio for success in a relationship. Therefore, a lot of positive feedback will be needed to make this work. If your friends are (as is likely) more apt to notice 'misses' than 'hits' then they will need to step up the game on noticing 'hits', or the feedback will backfire as it is likely to be more anxiety producing than helpful. Imagine that archery target, but where you are told about 100% of the shots you miss, and only about 30% of the ones where you got closer to hitting the target. How fast do you think your aim would improve?

In situations where feedback from outside isn't feasible, try mentally rewarding yourself - think of each interaction as a move in a game, where if you do the 'right' thing, you score a point. Then consider that over time, with enough points, you'll level up and get stronger.

Consider that every effort you are making now is useful, even when the progress isn't obvious. The fact that you *have* friends who aren't afraid to tell you what is happening, is a triumph. That took time and a great deal of effort on your part, and it represents progress that needs to be acknowledged.

This is very good advice... thank you.

I'm not sure I will have any useful advice, but I definitely understand. I also ask friends to be upfront with me, if I offend someone it will never be deliberate and I will never know until they tell me. I apologise for causing them some kind of irrational emotional distress that I can't relate to and try my best to understand what happened so I don't do something similar in the future. I don't know how old you are, I'm 36, in my 20s I had friends who did this for me, they were open and understanding about needing to explain things to me, but I think they got sick of it, I'm not actually sure, I just know they all slipped away gradually except one who has put up with walking me through social skills for 25 years. I have found new friends since, not heaps but enough for me. I'm more aware now that people need small doses of me, and as I'm now married with an ASD son I am busy enough to stretch out seeing a friend once every 2-3 weeks.

What in particular were the issues they raised if you don't mind my asking? Did you understand what they were on about or was it ridiculous NT muddled emotion that doesn't make any sense?

Just realised your age is in your profile, I'm new, not used to this forum yet. The stage of life you are in does make a difference to your need for friends and regular interaction. It's great that you have identified and built relationships with such great people.

And what great advice by the previous poster. I'm going to ask some people to give me a nod when I get it right, I still find out something I thought was right is actually wrong all the time.

I should take my own advice more seriously as I am *still* doing this even at my age