Do you have mind blindness?

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it is difficult to think about nothing. i was told by an old guru man that i was speaking to in a pub one night, that i needed to do meditation because he thought my mind was too wound up.
i asked how, and he told me to think about nothing for one hour every night.
i found it to be a major chore to try and work out what nothing was for an hour every night and i soon gave up, and when i next saw him a few weeks later, i told him that i still did not know what nothing was.

he said that he simply meant "do not think about anything", and i subsequently tried that as well, but it is impossible not to think while one is awake.....

or is it?

what is thinking? is it a process that happens independent from our awareness?
if we were not aware of what we think, then would we be thinking really?
i think so.

i have read a few accounts of automatons that have been on unconscious autopilot for many years before they finally woke up, and no one in their lives noticed anything much different about them in that whole time.

they must have thought about what they were doing all that time so as to remain alive and service their relationships, but they had no consciousness of it the whole time. they were automatons. wow.

so i guess there is always a world of stuff going on down there in "thoughtsville" whether you know it or not.

i guess that is the case with other peoples minds.

Sometimes I feel like I'm blind to my own body language. For example, someone will ask me to do something, and I'll say I'll do it, even if I don't want to, but something about the way I move gives it away. I'll have absolutely no idea why they start getting mad, which can cause a meltdown, which makes them even angrier, which makes the meltdown worse, etc.

Other times though, I'm at least partially aware of my body language, so I'll think that they just won't notice, but they do, so the cycle of emotion begins once again...

I've noticed that what for me feels like the barest pause before I move or answer them is taken as 'not wanting' to do what they ask. I have even greater difficulty when they phrase it as a question about what I want to do, rather than as a request to do something.

A request that starts out "Do you want to" will nearly always cause hesitation, as I (automatically) ask myself "well, DO I want to do that?" then realize that this is a request, not a literal question. Additionally, they may ask me to do something I don't think I can do, or think might have unintended negative consequences - as in, asking our IT department, for the tenth time, when the server will come back up (as I'm sure they're already at wits end with everyone stopping them to ask the same thing).

Sometimes the person will walk off in a huff, snarling "fine, I'll ask someone else/do it myself" just as I am about to say, "sure, I'll do it". And sadly, sometimes it *was* something I was perfectly happy to do. Ugh.

I do something similar. If someone asks me "Do you want to do x", sometimes I'll start saying "no, I don't" before I realize it's a request. I don't like to seem rude, so I say "but I can do it anyway."

At this point, they normally storm off, and I'm left confused and on the edge of a meltdown because I can't understand why they won't let me do what I said I'd do.

I'm pretty f*****g mind blind lol.

Anyone who knows me knows that i'm often impulsive with what I say and I have little self control and I often don't realize what I say will make others feel about me lol.

At work i'm always saying stupid crazy stuff that no one else would say. Everybody at work thinks im high, I just go a long with it. But they all think i'm cool though, at least I think they do. Like I had no clue I was coming off as autistic at all.

I'm the type of guy where I will have no clue i'm doing or saying something wrong unless people say something to me. I can usually tell when people don't like me or not but I may not know wtf i'm doing wrong. I'm the type of guy where around other guys, I often say however I feel without really thinking too much.

But around girls i'm like HOLY SHT! OMG OMG OMG OMG A GRIL! And my mind goes into panic mode. God f*****g damnit, no wonder i'm still single and virgin.