Fantasy world

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Im so depressed right now because for so long I have known about my fantasy world and the ability to talk to people that arent there. Im depressed because I dont know how to function outside of my imagination.

For example, I clean extremely well whenever I do. I am a single mom and it is so difficult to do laundry for the real world im in. Like my living and breathing children are right there and i can only do laundry when im imagining doing it for a spouse i dont have. As a matter of fact i can clean my whole house showroom style all imagining people are coming over and nobody really is.

Then i feel so ashamed because of my age that i go there and i feel like im so wrong. Nobody knows but me but its still something im ashamed of. When im not imagining my happy world that doesnt even exist i cant do anything. I havent showered in 3 days and i know if i was fantasizing about someone special id shower, do my hair and makeup, put on descent clothes. Then i feel dumb.

I spend most of my day being feeling like the dumbest smart person. I feel so stupid for liking anything. I have no hobbies because i have no clue what hobbies i should be doing. I dont know what is considered stupid by nts.
Life is so hard sometimes. Somedays i dont want to even try to be normal i want to be as aspie as I can. I wish i knew how to be me and be happy. I think a lot of aspies can say that though. I only know how to be happy being someone else because ive been told directly and indirectly that being me is a problem. I dont know where to start to be happy everyday. I dont know if i should try. I dont know if i should stop trying to be normal.
Other people just seem so happy to me i dont know how to be like that. And thats when i get angry at myself. Then the cycle of tearing myself down to pretend to be happy to everyone else but secretly inside im exploding.

I have a love/hate relationship with myself and yes ive been thru tons of therapy for depression. CBT for OCD and biofeedback for PTSD. But it doesnt really work.

Just a fedup confused aspie.

How do you deal with feeling bad or do you just accept it. I mean is it something i should fight because it kind of feels like i shouldnt but then i feel bad.

Like if i imagine all the time, then my house would be clean all the time, and my kids would basically have a "normal" life, although fake for me. Its so hard to deal with sometimes.

One of the things about my fantasy world, is that I tend to use it more as a reality simulator. I run mostly social interaction scenarios to try to determine what I'm doing wrong. It's like I'm an actor rehearsing his lines. Of course, that never seem to work because I think my asperger's is causing me to acquire inaccurate information from the real world around me. Most of the time. I just go into my fantasy world just to keep my sanity and hope that someday, I will make it work. I can always go to Lalaland, Fairyland or Wonderland and experience wonderful and fantastic things and places. But most or the time, I would be content if I could just figure out how to make reality work for me.

I don't think you should be ashamed. I think that's fine. honestly.

I do this too; I always have. It's comforting and helps me keep the shutdowns/meltdowns/and extreme depression at bay. Sometimes I even get dressed up, do my makeup, put on some nice smelling lotion, all for some imaginary relationship with someone who probably doesn't think of me very often. It's sounds lonely and pathetic when I type it out, but I've come to see that it's a necessary coping mechanism. It gives me hope that one day things might be better. So don't feel so badly about it. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, and it makes you feel better about your circumstances, then I think it's okay.

Thank you all. This is helping tremendously.

One more thing. I think if it helps you cope Go for it!