My boyfriend doesn't understand how to behave when I'm upset

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looniverse
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22 Dec 2015, 9:29 am

Fnord wrote:
If only there was a manual that would tell men what to do when their wife or girlfriend behaves oddly.

"When she does A, you should do W, X, and Y in that order, but never Z. If she does B then Z is okay, as long as you follow up immediately with J, K, and L. If she ever does C, then pack it all up and leave, as there is nothing you can do about it until she calls you." ... et cetera...



http://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Und ... 0060959622

Read it when I was 17 and it seemed to do the trick. Ever since I've said I learned how to talk to people from a book.



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22 Dec 2015, 9:34 am

looniverse wrote:
Fnord wrote:
If only there was a manual that would tell men what to do when their wife or girlfriend behaves oddly.

"When she does A, you should do W, X, and Y in that order, but never Z. If she does B then Z is okay, as long as you follow up immediately with J, K, and L. If she ever does C, then pack it all up and leave, as there is nothing you can do about it until she calls you." ... et cetera...



http://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Und ... 0060959622

Read it when I was 17 and it seemed to do the trick. Ever since I've said I learned how to talk to people from a book.

gawwwd..



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22 Dec 2015, 9:46 am

This story illustrates the essential differences between the ways that men and women think and communicate (by Dave Barry):

...

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh, I feel so ..."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"


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beakybird
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23 Dec 2015, 7:16 am

b9 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
If only there was a manual that would tell men what to do when their wife or girlfriend behaves oddly.

"When she does A, you should do W, X, and Y in that order, but never Z. If she does B then Z is okay, as long as you follow up immediately with J, K, and L. If she ever does C, then pack it all up and leave, as there is nothing you can do about it until she calls you." ... et cetera...

well i would not bother reading that manual.
why should i have to defer to them to the degree that i should learn their instruction manual?
just let them go if they require the maintenance of an "emotional manicurist" who arranges their ideals like a soulless florist poking flowers into a sponge.

in the real world of true emotional significance, it is well to explore those that have similar reactions to you and avoid those that take effort to understand (i believe)

power through a circuit with low impedance is very efficient.


Not much success with women eh?



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23 Dec 2015, 7:23 am

Fnord wrote:
This story illustrates the essential differences between the ways that men and women think and communicate (by Dave Barry):


That literally made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

Is it weird though if I think both ways simultaneously? That overly analytical about emotions thing that supposedly happens only to women is something that I've had to deal with in every relationship I've had.

But the mental segue into thinking about the oil change?? Hysterical. Totally my disjointed thinking. Loved it.



rdos
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23 Dec 2015, 7:28 am

You shouldn't have these kind of conversations online. Even if he was good at picking up your mood, you crying cannot be communicated with text, unless you explicitly tell him you are. At a bare minimum, use a video chat, but it's preferable to do it IRL instead.



probly.an.aspie
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23 Dec 2015, 7:41 am

That Dave Barry story was funny, Fnord. It was also so very not my husband and me.

Hubby and i actually just had a conversation last night where i said, "take my words at face value, because that is what they are...and stop reading another layer into it!!" I had made a simple, straightforward statement about his methodology in handling a certain situation that had cropped up with one of our children. It was a "this would work better, honey," statement from me, taken from experience with something similar with said child. He replied, "Yeah, yeah, i get it. I'm just an a$$." I had meant no such thing. He is a good guy. I made no character judgment at all. This is common for us. I will make what to me seems a logical statement, and he will read a negative judgment of his character into it.

But if the story were about us, it would read that he and i both would have looked at the odometer after the 6 month anniversary comment, looked at each other, and said, "Did the oil get changed the last time it went to the garage? Because if not, it's time." And then gone into a discussion of how long this 18 year old vehicle is going to last because i will drive it til the wheels fall off...or til it rusts out and won't inspect anymore, since i hate change--vehicles included. We are so boring.

Are we a typical aspie couple? We are definitely not a typical NT couple.


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23 Dec 2015, 8:10 am

Most glaring mistake Number 1 is that your conversation about this took place over messaging.

This was a topic best handled in person, face to face, where you can both see and hear the full range of each other's emotions and reactions. When it's only words, there is a world of emotional tone that is lost. Even though your words themselves described an upsetting situation, and even though that alone can serve notice to the other person that this was a traumatic event for you "so please be suitably sensitive," your boyfriend probably needed to SEE that you were crying, see that you were upset talking about what happened.

Even then he may have responded the same way because he didn't know what to do or say, but still there's more of a chance he would have gleaned the full deal and responded with more acknowledgment.

Never have a deep, sensitive conversation over mere texting or messaging; it misses out on all the other important signals, even when Aspies are involved. Even Aspies can get much more information from a face to face situation than via words alone.