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beneficii
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25 Dec 2015, 9:01 pm

I'm not very sociable, and was kinda in a mood that's not for socializing, and I'm visiting my grandma's. I come out to socialize, and the very first thing my uncle and my grandma's helper does is interrogate me about my socializing, saying Oh, you're finally being sociable.

Needless to say, I am no longer in a sociable mood. Now I hear them talking about me in 3rd person about how I did my relocation wrong.


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Edenthiel
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25 Dec 2015, 11:08 pm

Ugh, that's terrible Beneficii. Do they not understand that you are making a substantial effort, or do they not care? Also, it's incredibly bad manners to talk about you like that instead of to you.

(thinks for a minute...it's the holidays...people, even NT ones get stressed...)

...any chance they were doing some Xmas drinking? A fair handful of my relatives used to get amazingly difficult to get along with (read: mean!) after a glass or two at Thanksgiving or Christmas...New Years...Superbowl...Arbor Day...you get the idea.


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25 Dec 2015, 11:09 pm

beneficii wrote:
Oh, you're finally being sociable.


It seems like a legitimate remark to make to someone who is admittedly "not very sociable".


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ImAnAspie
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26 Dec 2015, 2:46 am

Idealist wrote:
beneficii wrote:
Oh, you're finally being sociable.


It seems like a legitimate remark to make to someone who is admittedly "not very sociable".


That's horrible!

"Oh, you're finally being sociable"

That's very passive/aggressive.

I'm not very sociable usually either and we have our reasons. No one knows what they are or why and it's not their place to judge.

I'm an introvert. I'm not antisocial. I'm not shy and I'm certainly not a misanthrope but people (especially extroverts) feel we should all act the way they do and if you're different, there must be something wrong with you.

Look up a book by Sophia Dembling called "The Introvert's Way. Living A Quiet Life In A Noisy World"

There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with being an introvert.


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Sabreclaw
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26 Dec 2015, 3:15 am

Idealist wrote:
beneficii wrote:
Oh, you're finally being sociable.


It seems like a legitimate remark to make to someone who is admittedly "not very sociable".


Instead of making needless remarks people should try keeping their mouths shut.



ImAnAspie
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26 Dec 2015, 3:20 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
Idealist wrote:
beneficii wrote:
Oh, you're finally being sociable.


It seems like a legitimate remark to make to someone who is admittedly "not very sociable".


Instead of making needless remarks people should try keeping their mouths shut.


Hear hear!


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beady
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26 Dec 2015, 4:22 am

If someone is sincerely interested in enjoying your company they need to learn how to use positive reinforcement. Most people's first impulse is some negative, snide remark.
What if the family instead were welcoming and inclusive. I.E. ......hey (insert name here), we are having some cookies and tea. Would you like some?....or, I really miss you, what have you been working on lately?.....etc.
This eases the introvert into the conversation and makes them feel loved.



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26 Dec 2015, 5:14 am

That is truly rude of your uncle.
I don't know if you're up to telling him that he has just made an anti-social remark.
He's not being very sociable, is he?
That's not a visit, it's a battle.
I think you're entitled to choose who to socialize with.



goatfish57
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26 Dec 2015, 7:11 am

beneficii wrote:
I'm not very sociable, and was kinda in a mood that's not for socializing, and I'm visiting my grandma's. I come out to socialize, and the very first thing my uncle and my grandma's helper does is interrogate me about my socializing, saying Oh, you're finally being sociable.

Needless to say, I am no longer in a sociable mood. Now I hear them talking about me in 3rd person about how I did my relocation wrong.


Sounds very much like many of my family gatherings. I always leave stress and with a killer headache. You did your best and you should be proud of the effort you made to be social. There is no pleasing some people.

I usually come loaded with a few talking points. Sometimes it works other times it doesn't.

You need to figure out a way to switch their negative comments around and make it into something positive. My aunt likes to tease me about a childhood story. I agree and say I was a stupid kid. She responds, "Yes, you were a cute kid." Deflected and put to bed.

Good Luck.


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26 Dec 2015, 1:14 pm

ImAnAspie wrote:
That's horrible!


...Seriously?

Literally right after calling "Natural Plastic" out for starting a conversation with an insulting remark, I must now go through this again... Okay, fine, I'll do it, but I'm doing things differently this time around.

ImAnAspie, I don't know you irl, and I'm pretty sure you don't know me irl. So far we haven't had much interaction together on the Forums, so it's a safe assumption to make then, that we are in fact strangers. So yes, we're strangers, except that I know you have Autism, and you know that I have Autism, we both have Autism.

So I want you to imagine this scenario: A stranger, someone your not very familiar with, approaches you, and the first thing they shout at you is "That's horrible!", then proceed to dump a whole lot of hostility on you.

How would that make you feel? It wouldn't make you feel very good would it? In fact, given our Autistic nature, we'd be liable to mill something like that over for days, maybe even longer.

Now that you know how you would feel if someone did this to you... I want you to concentrate really hard, and imagine how I must have felt when you did that to me... Yeah, you did that to me, it wasn't very nice was it.

ImAnAspie, I'm not explaining this to you because I want you to feel bad about what you've done, but because you need to understand that words have power, and with that power comes an even greater responsibility. Words have the power to create, and to destroy, to heal, and to wound, to love, and to hate. Choosing the right words, at the right time, is a skill, a very important skill, one that can be mastered, if you just have the will to do so.

Why didn't you respond to the rest of their post?

Ironically, the rest of their post came off as a very passive aggressive "Here's my counter opinion to what you commented on.", and as such, not something that I can really respond to.

To be fair, that post could have stood by itself without quoting and insulting what I said. That does mean that an extra effort was given to make the post insulting/offensive to me on a personal level, which is why I commented on it above.

Sabreclaw wrote:
Instead of making needless remarks people should try keeping their mouths shut.


Have you heard of irony? Because your post is nothing but irony. I could literally quote what you've just to me, right back at you, and would lose none of it's meaning.

I wouldn't do that however, because that would be disrespectful, insulting, and extremely offensive.
Which is how your post comes off to me.

At least ImAnAspie made the extra effort to comment on beneficii's issue, or rather made the extra effort to insult me. Your entire post Sabreclaw, is nothing but a personal attack against me. Now I get that you are new to the Forums, but what part of this Forum, or indeed any Forum, makes you think that it is acceptable to tell to tell people to shut up. None, what so ever.

There is no excuse to be rude to anyone period. Whether it's online or offline, you shouldn't insult people, ever.


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Sabreclaw
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26 Dec 2015, 1:47 pm

Idealist wrote:
ImAnAspie wrote:
That's horrible!


...Seriously?

Literally right after calling "Natural Plastic" out for starting a conversation with an insulting remark, I must now go through this again... Okay, fine, I'll do it, but I'm doing things differently this time around.

ImAnAspie, I don't know you irl, and I'm pretty sure you don't know me irl. So far we haven't had much interaction together on the Forums, so it's a safe assumption to make then, that we are in fact strangers. So yes, we're strangers, except that I know you have Autism, and you know that I have Autism, we both have Autism.

So I want you to imagine this scenario: A stranger, someone your not very familiar with, approaches you, and the first thing they shout at you is "That's horrible!", then proceed to dump a whole lot of hostility on you.

How would that make you feel? It wouldn't make you feel very good would it? In fact, given our Autistic nature, we'd be liable to mill something like that over for days, maybe even longer.

Now that you know how you would feel if someone did this to you... I want you to concentrate really hard, and imagine how I must have felt when you did that to me... Yeah, you did that to me, it wasn't very nice was it.

ImAnAspie, I'm not explaining this to you because I want you to feel bad about what you've done, but because you need to understand that words have power, and with that power comes an even greater responsibility. Words have the power to create, and to destroy, to heal, and to wound, to love, and to hate. Choosing the right words, at the right time, is a skill, a very important skill, one that can be mastered, if you just have the will to do so.

Why didn't you respond to the rest of their post?

Ironically, the rest of their post came off as a very passive aggressive "Here's my counter opinion to what you commented on.", and as such, not something that I can really respond to.

To be fair, that post could have stood by itself without quoting and insulting what I said. That does mean that an extra effort was given to make the post insulting/offensive to me on a personal level, which is why I commented on it above.

Sabreclaw wrote:
Instead of making needless remarks people should try keeping their mouths shut.


Have you heard of irony? Because your post is nothing but irony. I could literally quote what you've just to me, right back at you, and would lose none of it's meaning.

I wouldn't do that however, because that would be disrespectful, insulting, and extremely offensive.
Which is how your post comes off to me.

At least ImAnAspie made the extra effort to comment on beneficii's issue, or rather made the extra effort to insult me. Your entire post Sabreclaw, is nothing but a personal attack against me. Now I get that you are new to the Forums, but what part of this Forum, or indeed any Forum, makes you think that it is acceptable to tell to tell people to shut up. None, what so ever.

There is no excuse to be rude to anyone period. Whether it's online or offline, you shouldn't insult people, ever.


I'm not attacking you. I was just saying that the uncle (and people in general) shouldn't be making needless remarks. If I wanted to attack you I would have said something along the lines of "take your keyboard and shove it through your head".

I think you're reading too much into both mine and ImAnAspie's comments.



zkydz
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26 Dec 2015, 2:06 pm

Idealist wrote:
beneficii wrote:
Oh, you're finally being sociable.


It seems like a legitimate remark to make to someone who is admittedly "not very sociable".

For all the people banging on Idealist, I actually agree with him/her.
1) Was the comment made by the family member uncalled for? Maybe, but it could also be a true statement.
2) Was it insensitive for the family member to say it that way? Yes, but it may not be an attack.
3) Did it make benefici uncomfortable? Obviously, or it would not have been posted.
4) Without actual family history to go to for reference, it may be something that was said and uncalled for, but it also may have been said just carelessly.

On the face of it, it just sounds like a remark. No attack. Can it be taken as an attack? You betcha. But, not within the context of just relaying the sequence of events. We have no idea the tone, (may not make a difference since Aspies can miss those cues), or is the family completely unsupportive and a history not wanting to understand?

I hear my family say such stupid things all the time. It hurts, but I also have to step back and access the situation because I don't get their humor most times. They don't mean anything mean, but it feels mean. It doesn't make them aggressive or passive/aggressive. Just makes them insensitive.

The world is mostly filled with insensitive people. They can only be sensitive for themselves while treating others like crap. Hate to say it, but that's most of the world.


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26 Dec 2015, 2:35 pm

zkydz wrote:
For all the people banging on Idealist, I actually agree with him/her.
1) Was the comment made by the family member uncalled for? Maybe, but it could also be a true statement.
2) Was it insensitive for the family member to say it that way? Yes, but it may not be an attack.
3) Did it make benefici uncomfortable? Obviously, or it would not have been posted.
4) Without actual family history to go to for reference, it may be something that was said and uncalled for, but it also may have been said just carelessly.

On the face of it, it just sounds like a remark. No attack. Can it be taken as an attack? You betcha. But, not within the context of just relaying the sequence of events. We have no idea the tone, (may not make a difference since Aspies can miss those cues), or is the family completely unsupportive and a history not wanting to understand?

I hear my family say such stupid things all the time. It hurts, but I also have to step back and access the situation because I don't get their humor most times. They don't mean anything mean, but it feels mean. It doesn't make them aggressive or passive/aggressive. Just makes them insensitive.

The world is mostly filled with insensitive people. They can only be sensitive for themselves while treating others like crap. Hate to say it, but that's most of the world.


I look at it from the point of view of her Uncle.

Based on the little information provided by beneficii, her Grandmother is not doing well. It's never a good sign when they need a dedicated helper to support them, hopefully it's nothing too serious. I can only imagine the amount of pressure her Uncle is under right now, his Mother, the person that raised him, and was always there for him, is slowly fading away... I've lost family before, but I've never lost a Parent, I can't even begin to know what that must feel like, to have them slowly taken from you, piece by piece, little by little. In the grand scheme of things, what are the momentary feelings of one's 31 year old niece when compared to such things?

Sure, he said "Oh, you're finally being sociable.", and you can all gather around in a great big circle, and beat on him for it.

I can't do that, because I can't unsee the position that her Uncle's in, and what he must be going through right now is heartbreaking. If anything, I think beneficii should have said something like "I'm sorry Uncle... but I'm here now. :cry: " not only would that have been more appropriate, but it would have been downright heartbreaking in and of itself.


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zkydz
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26 Dec 2015, 4:49 pm

Idealist wrote:
If anything, I think beneficii should have said something like "I'm sorry Uncle... but I'm here now. :cry: " not only would that have been more appropriate, but it would have been downright heartbreaking in and of itself.
See, that's where you would have been nicer than myself. I would have looked aqt him and just said, "Not anymore" and walked away.

That's my response when I feel slighted. If I'm making an effort and people can't see it or appreciate it, 'f 'em.

I just didn't think you should have been piled on because you had an opinion contrary to stroking the hurt feelings.


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26 Dec 2015, 7:54 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
I think you're reading too much into both mine and ImAnAspie's comments.
Yeah, I think that might be the case...

Following the advice of a Forum Moderator, I was able to take a step back from both this (and another) Thread, and really question how invested I really was in either conversation. Her experience in Forum matters far outweighs my own, and were really insightful. She helped remind me just how casually volatile a Forum Community can really be.
zkydz wrote:
That's my response when I feel slighted.
That's my problem, I can't just walk away, if I feel slighted, I have to make things right, whatever way I can.
zkydz wrote:
If I'm making an effort and people can't see it or appreciate it, 'f 'em.
Sometimes people don't understand such things unless you explicitly tell them about it.

Even then, not everyone will show their appreciation in a traditional manner, making difficult to tell when someone is genuinely appreciative.

I sound like an apologist...
zkydz wrote:
I just didn't think you should have been piled on because you had an opinion contrary to stroking the hurt feelings.
To be fair, I was simultaneously being attacked on another Thread, so I may have overreacted in this Thread.


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Idealist wrote:
My Autism was cured/treated in late childhood (this makes me a walking, talking, contradiction to 90% of the Forum who all believe Autism is incurable)