Is it possible to find a girlfriend without sexual tension?

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Lifeistoohard
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13 Jan 2016, 9:50 am

Throughout my life, I always felt that touching a girl that I liked was unachievable. If I did that, I'd get slapped, called "creep", etc.

I'm being honest here. Having Asperger's as a guy IS a ticket to eternal loneliness, regardless of attitude. Every time I like a girl, I focus all my attention on her because I want to hint to her that I'm interested. Other guys tell me "talk to other girls", but that's anxiety inducing because I'm worried that my crush will talk to other guys in the process. I can't help standing nervously, thinking of what to say to her because Asperger's destroys my ability to be witty.

For anyone who says "Quit feeling sorry for yourself", I'll tell you "Shut up!" Asperger's wrecked my life and I have nothing to look positive for. I even doubt some of the guys who succeed with women on this site have Asperger's because from my experience, it's impossible to learn social skills. Period.

This is America, so I can complain and moan indefinitely.



Znark
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13 Jan 2016, 5:47 pm

(my first post)

Yours caught my eye because it reminded me of my younger self. So I'll pass on a long-term strategy that worked wonders for me......... I started playing poker, texas hold um, about 12 years ago. I found it fascinating because it combined numbers, logic, and most importantly ---- the knowledge that everyone at the table was being fake on purpose and it was a part of the game. It was a place I could fit into very quietly and not be uncomfortable. As time went on and I became better (ok, really kinda good, but thats a different story), what I also found was my own ability to 'be other people' while at the table. I could be a bully, charming, funny, aloof, whatever. And soon, I was able to carry those techniques into regular life, at first with the occasional female at the table, and soon after with those around a table, or just in MY casino.

I'm not advocating gambling here -- but find some 'non girlfriend' situations that allow you to expand your social capabilities... And remember, you don't have to please them all, it only takes one.



Hopper
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13 Jan 2016, 6:55 pm

I don't understand the title question. Are you asking if 'sexual tension' is necessary to find a girlfriend? Or does the 'sexual tension' belong to a potential girlfriend? Or is it something else, because I can't make much sense of either of those anyway.

Quote:
Throughout my life, I always felt that touching a girl that I liked was unachievable. If I did that, I'd get slapped, called "creep", etc.


It's very much context dependent. If you're in a situation where touching is expected and wanted, you'll be fine. If you're walking alongside a girl you like but who doesn't know you from Adam and you reach your hand out to hers and start running your fingers up and down her palm - yeah, that's creepy.

I assume, though, that you're talking more in the way of self-esteem. Obviously I don't know you. You might be terrible, but you're probably not.

Quote:
I'm being honest here. Having Asperger's as a guy IS a ticket to eternal loneliness, regardless of attitude.


No, it isn't. Having Asperger's certainly is something that makes social interaction, which obviously includes any budding or hoped for romance, difficult.

If I may make a sweeping statement - avoid sweeping statements. Avoid top-down ideas - you'll just end up trapped by their 'logic', similar to painting yourself into a corner. Top down is like putting a lid on things; it constrains them. Start small, from the ground up. Analyse, deconstruct, reflect and consider. There's a girl you like, and you don't know if she feels the same but you'd like it to be reciprocated. You're not the first, and you won't be the last. But ask yourself: who are you? Who are you to her? Who is she? Who is she to you? And so on.

I knew a woman once. No, honest I did. Anyway, I was in the midst of some difficulties that felt overwhelming, and kvetching about it to her, and she said, 'baby steps'. And she was right.

Here's something that seems to get overlooked a lot, particularly around L&D. You can have a legitimate problem that needs solving, and for which you can legit ask for help or sympathy, without it being the Worst Problem Ever or All Someone/Something Else's Fault. I understand, from the literature and experience, that catastrophising is part of the condition. Try and be aware of it, and to step back from it. You do not need to have it worse than others, or the worst of all, to go 'I'm stumped, and this situation is pissing me off. What do I do?'.

Quote:
Every time I like a girl, I focus all my attention on her because I want to hint to her that I'm interested.


How do you do hint?

Quote:
Other guys tell me "talk to other girls", but that's anxiety inducing because I'm worried that my crush will talk to other guys in the process.


That sounds like projection. Do these guys mean plain conversational talk to, or try to chat up? If the former, yeah, it might help you get a handle on things. If the latter, I'd say no. You'll just end up feeling like s**t if you're at all serious about your crush. Of course, your crush is free to talk to other guys however she cares to.

The best you can do is be the best you. What that involves I don't know because I don't know you, your crush or the situation.

Quote:
I can't help standing nervously, thinking of what to say to her because Asperger's destroys my ability to be witty.


If I end up talking to someone I don't really know, and I can't make them laugh, I'm out of there cos I've got nothing else socially. But still, sometimes I can make them laugh, and they me, and that's nice.

If you're witty, you're witty. It's the nerves that are screwing that up for you. Non-Aspergians flail like that all the time.

Quote:
For anyone who says "Quit feeling sorry for yourself", I'll tell you "Shut up!" Asperger's wrecked my life and I have nothing to look positive for.


No it didn't - I mean, how old are you? - and bet you do.

Quote:
I even doubt some of the guys who succeed with women on this site have Asperger's because from my experience, it's impossible to learn social skills. Period.


No, it's not. It's hard, but not impossible.

By luck and necessity, I happened upon my own way of meeting women that worked for me. If you're trying something and it's not working, try something else.

Quote:
This is America, so I can complain and moan indefinitely.


Fair enough [Sarcastic quip about Britain being the 51st state.]


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