Would you date someone you didn't want to marry?
13 Feb 2016, 10:30 pm
Kitty4670 wrote:
Idealist wrote:
Kitty4670 wrote:
rdos wrote:
Idealist wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Non_Passerine wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Nope. Now it they had something that I was attracted to such as a great personality or the same beliefs, then I would because I might end up falling in love with them and then want to marry them.
Don't you have to fall in love before you start dating someone?Sometimes you choose to love someone, other times love chooses for you, it can be as simple as that.
_________________
Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment, but the last step on the path to salvation.
Idealist wrote:
My Autism was cured/treated in late childhood (this makes me a walking, talking, contradiction to 90% of the Forum who all believe Autism is incurable)
14 Feb 2016, 1:30 am
Idealist wrote:
Kitty4670 wrote:
Yes, I heard about love at first sight. How can you fall in love without really knowing them?
Sometimes you choose to love someone, other times love chooses for you, it can be as simple as that.
But love requires certain chemicals that, as far as I know, aren't produced that quickly. They are produced in later stages of the attraction/attachment process after you have gotten comfortable with the person.
Basic attraction, like, or lust can often be confused with love in the early stages (and if you end up staying with that person you can claim it was really love without much opposition), but I'm not sure it can actually exist? Perhaps some people's hormones work differently and serotonin and oxytocin can be produced early on, but they would be anomalies.
Or perhaps people use the word "love" to mean any part of the attraction process. In which case sure, love within the first few minutes of meeting someone is possible. I personally call that attraction, not love.
14 Feb 2016, 2:25 am
yellowtamarin wrote:
Idealist wrote:
Kitty4670 wrote:
Yes, I heard about love at first sight. How can you fall in love without really knowing them?
Sometimes you choose to love someone, other times love chooses for you, it can be as simple as that.
But love requires certain chemicals that, as far as I know, aren't produced that quickly. They are produced in later stages of the attraction/attachment process after you have gotten comfortable with the person.
Basic attraction, like, or lust can often be confused with love in the early stages (and if you end up staying with that person you can claim it was really love without much opposition), but I'm not sure it can actually exist? Perhaps some people's hormones work differently and serotonin and oxytocin can be produced early on, but they would be anomalies.
Or perhaps people use the word "love" to mean any part of the attraction process. In which case sure, love within the first few minutes of meeting someone is possible. I personally call that attraction, not love.
I don't understand. I have a crush on this guy, sometimes it feel like love, but most of the time it is attraction, I am very attractive to him.
Maybe people love the idea of being in love & get confuse.
14 Feb 2016, 3:07 am
Kitty4670 wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Idealist wrote:
Kitty4670 wrote:
Yes, I heard about love at first sight. How can you fall in love without really knowing them?
Sometimes you choose to love someone, other times love chooses for you, it can be as simple as that.
But love requires certain chemicals that, as far as I know, aren't produced that quickly. They are produced in later stages of the attraction/attachment process after you have gotten comfortable with the person.
Basic attraction, like, or lust can often be confused with love in the early stages (and if you end up staying with that person you can claim it was really love without much opposition), but I'm not sure it can actually exist? Perhaps some people's hormones work differently and serotonin and oxytocin can be produced early on, but they would be anomalies.
Or perhaps people use the word "love" to mean any part of the attraction process. In which case sure, love within the first few minutes of meeting someone is possible. I personally call that attraction, not love.
I don't understand. I have a crush on this guy, sometimes it feel like love, but most of the time it is attraction, I am very attractive to him.
Maybe people love the idea of being in love & get confuse.
Generally I think they get confused by the emotions. Hormones are going crazy and attraction can feel really strong, despite possibly barely knowing the person. I've mistaken the lust/giddy phase for love a couple of times. It is more clear in hindsight than it is in the moment.
14 Feb 2016, 3:50 am
yellowtamarin wrote:
Idealist wrote:
Kitty4670 wrote:
Yes, I heard about love at first sight. How can you fall in love without really knowing them?
Sometimes you choose to love someone, other times love chooses for you, it can be as simple as that.
But love requires certain chemicals that, as far as I know, aren't produced that quickly. They are produced in later stages of the attraction/attachment process after you have gotten comfortable with the person.
Basic attraction, like, or lust can often be confused with love in the early stages (and if you end up staying with that person you can claim it was really love without much opposition), but I'm not sure it can actually exist? Perhaps some people's hormones work differently and serotonin and oxytocin can be produced early on, but they would be anomalies.
Or perhaps people use the word "love" to mean any part of the attraction process. In which case sure, love within the first few minutes of meeting someone is possible. I personally call that attraction, not love.
I completely agree with this. Attraction is when you first start to realise that the other person is attractive to you. Sometimes it's just about how they look and their mannerisms. Then as you start to get to know who they are over time love can develop.
Although I am more practical about it. I think that love is when it's not just chemicals, but their are logical reasons you like them. Maybe they've helped you through a problem. Or you've shared good things together. Or you've worked on something together and you were a good team. I can't think of anything less vague to say because these scenarios are personal to each of us.
Attraction is the initial stage. Over time you form a stronger bond as you work well as a team. As you face problems together and overcome them together. Then the attraction isn't as superficial. You start to love the deeper things in what makes them who them who they are.
14 Feb 2016, 4:41 am
hurtloam wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Idealist wrote:
Kitty4670 wrote:
Yes, I heard about love at first sight. How can you fall in love without really knowing them?
Sometimes you choose to love someone, other times love chooses for you, it can be as simple as that.
But love requires certain chemicals that, as far as I know, aren't produced that quickly. They are produced in later stages of the attraction/attachment process after you have gotten comfortable with the person.
Basic attraction, like, or lust can often be confused with love in the early stages (and if you end up staying with that person you can claim it was really love without much opposition), but I'm not sure it can actually exist? Perhaps some people's hormones work differently and serotonin and oxytocin can be produced early on, but they would be anomalies.
Or perhaps people use the word "love" to mean any part of the attraction process. In which case sure, love within the first few minutes of meeting someone is possible. I personally call that attraction, not love.
I completely agree with this. Attraction is when you first start to realise that the other person is attractive to you. Sometimes it's just about how they look and their mannerisms. Then as you start to get to know who they are over time love can develop.
Although I am more practical about it. I think that love is when it's not just chemicals, but their are logical reasons you like them. Maybe they've helped you through a problem. Or you've shared good things together. Or you've worked on something together and you were a good team. I can't think of anything less vague to say because these scenarios are personal to each of us.
Attraction is the initial stage. Over time you form a stronger bond as you work well as a team. As you face problems together and overcome them together. Then the attraction isn't as superficial. You start to love the deeper things in what makes them who them who they are.
I disagree. For me, attraction is about physical appearance, sexual desirability and possibly socially desirable traits, but the chemicals in the brain are related to infatuation, which has no link to any of those. Also, in the natural process, infatuation is replaced with attachment (a strong bond), and this process is automatic and doesn't require any matching traits whatsoever.
Because infatuation is built with brain chemicals, it doesn't require you to know anything about the other person to happen. It just needs to be triggered in some way. Also, since asexual people can still get an infatuation in the absence of sexual attraction, that means sexual attraction is not necessary to trigger infatuation (a crush).
14 Feb 2016, 4:49 am
yellowtamarin wrote:
Idealist wrote:
Kitty4670 wrote:
Yes, I heard about love at first sight. How can you fall in love without really knowing them?
Sometimes you choose to love someone, other times love chooses for you, it can be as simple as that.
But love requires certain chemicals that, as far as I know, aren't produced that quickly. They are produced in later stages of the attraction/attachment process after you have gotten comfortable with the person.
Basic attraction, like, or lust can often be confused with love in the early stages (and if you end up staying with that person you can claim it was really love without much opposition), but I'm not sure it can actually exist? Perhaps some people's hormones work differently and serotonin and oxytocin can be produced early on, but they would be anomalies.
Or perhaps people use the word "love" to mean any part of the attraction process. In which case sure, love within the first few minutes of meeting someone is possible. I personally call that attraction, not love.
At least for me, the feelings are strongest before I know somebody well. That's infatuation (a crush). After I've seen them regularly for a while, it feels more like a strong friendship. I get used to them and like their company. I'm also quite sure that it is infatuation that triggers oxytocin and the very strong feelings associated with a crush, while the bonding process works in another way and isn't related to those hormones.
14 Feb 2016, 5:00 am
rdos wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Idealist wrote:
Kitty4670 wrote:
Yes, I heard about love at first sight. How can you fall in love without really knowing them?
Sometimes you choose to love someone, other times love chooses for you, it can be as simple as that.
But love requires certain chemicals that, as far as I know, aren't produced that quickly. They are produced in later stages of the attraction/attachment process after you have gotten comfortable with the person.
Basic attraction, like, or lust can often be confused with love in the early stages (and if you end up staying with that person you can claim it was really love without much opposition), but I'm not sure it can actually exist? Perhaps some people's hormones work differently and serotonin and oxytocin can be produced early on, but they would be anomalies.
Or perhaps people use the word "love" to mean any part of the attraction process. In which case sure, love within the first few minutes of meeting someone is possible. I personally call that attraction, not love.
At least for me, the feelings are strongest before I know somebody well. That's infatuation (a crush). After I've seen them regularly for a while, it feels more like a strong friendship. I get used to them and like their company. I'm also quite sure that it is infatuation that triggers oxytocin and the very strong feelings associated with a crush, while the bonding process works in another way and isn't related to those hormones.
I could be wrong but I thought the earlier chemicals at play were testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, and adrenaline (crush/lust). Then serotonin (can't stop thinking about you!), then finally oxytocin (lurve) which is the real bonding one and emerges after the others have settled down (hence you don't get it early on).
14 Feb 2016, 5:26 am
0_equals_true wrote:
I don't want to marry anyway so yes.
I think it is bizarre idea not dating someone unless you want to marry them. Either you want to marry a lot of people or you haven't thought it through.
I think it is bizarre idea not dating someone unless you want to marry them. Either you want to marry a lot of people or you haven't thought it through.
People who stick with the "I'll only date you if I see serious relationship potential in you" don't date people they've just just met. If on first meeting a person they feel an attraction they don't jump in right then and ask them out. They wait. They observe the person over time. Maybe they invite the other person to join in with their friends just hanging out. They learn about the other person and when they are sure that there is something of substance there and their feelings haven't fizzled out then they make a move
That method used to frustrate me because all I could see was a load of wimps too scared to take a chance, but started to gradually fall for a friend who I had been initially attracted to when we met years ago and then I understood. Sometimes that initial spark grows into something you didn't even expect.
14 Feb 2016, 6:10 am
hurtloam wrote:
People who stick with the "I'll only date you if I see serious relationship potential in you" don't date people they've just just met. If on first meeting a person they feel an attraction they don't jump in right then and ask them out. They wait. They observe the person over time. Maybe they invite the other person to join in with their friends just hanging out. They learn about the other person and when they are sure that there is something of substance there and their feelings haven't fizzled out then they make a move
Exactly. With that method dating isn't really necessary either, because you already know the other person pretty well, so you can just jump straight into a relationship instead of dating them.
Dating is more like a social game for people that just want to play around. Sometimes people that date might find somebody special, but most of the time it ends with a silly game only, and perhaps with having sex a few times before moving on.
14 Feb 2016, 6:26 am
yellowtamarin wrote:
I could be wrong but I thought the earlier chemicals at play were testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, and adrenaline (crush/lust). Then serotonin (can't stop thinking about you!), then finally oxytocin (lurve) which is the real bonding one and emerges after the others have settled down (hence you don't get it early on).
It could work differently for different people. I'd say lust comes first, then a crush and lastly a strong bond. It's hard to know which chemicals are responsible for what, but it's my impression that oxytocin is related to pleasurable feelings, so should go with a crush / infatuation mostly. Adrenaline probably is also mostly related to infatuation (being tense, clammy hands, funny stomach feelings).
For sexual people, I'm sure that sex also produces oxytocin that affects the bonding process, but for many neurodiverse people the bonding process appears to be triggered by stronger an infatuation and obsessive thoughts instead, which kind of work like a replacement for regular sex.
14 Feb 2016, 6:38 am
hurtloam wrote:
I wouldn't go as far as saying that dating is only a social game for people who want to play around. I don't think that's fair.
OK, to be fair, most of the time there is some notion that they might find a long-term partner, but the anticipation is that this is a rare occurrence, which means they will go into it like a social game, and not as something super-serious.
hurtloam wrote:
If you don't have a lot of friends and you are shy, dating strangers may actually be the only way to meet someone and grow a relationship.
Perhaps if you are dating other shy people this could work. If you date typical, outgoing people, there is a big chance that they will see it as a social game and you will see it as super-serious, and then you will be left with feelings when they've already moved on.
But I'd hardly say it's the only way. You can get into relationships even if you don't date and are very shy. You described such a method yourself a few posts back which does work for shy people.
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