Would you date someone you didn't want to marry?

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Would you date someone you didn't want to marry?
Yes 65%  65%  [ 32 ]
No 35%  35%  [ 17 ]
Total votes : 49

rdos
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14 Feb 2016, 6:10 am

hurtloam wrote:
People who stick with the "I'll only date you if I see serious relationship potential in you" don't date people they've just just met. If on first meeting a person they feel an attraction they don't jump in right then and ask them out. They wait. They observe the person over time. Maybe they invite the other person to join in with their friends just hanging out. They learn about the other person and when they are sure that there is something of substance there and their feelings haven't fizzled out then they make a move


Exactly. With that method dating isn't really necessary either, because you already know the other person pretty well, so you can just jump straight into a relationship instead of dating them.

Dating is more like a social game for people that just want to play around. Sometimes people that date might find somebody special, but most of the time it ends with a silly game only, and perhaps with having sex a few times before moving on.



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14 Feb 2016, 6:22 am

I wouldn't go as far as saying that dating is only a social game for people who want to play around. I don't think that's fair.

If you don't have a lot of friends and you are shy, dating strangers may actually be the only way to meet someone and grow a relationship.


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rdos
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14 Feb 2016, 6:26 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
I could be wrong but I thought the earlier chemicals at play were testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, and adrenaline (crush/lust). Then serotonin (can't stop thinking about you!), then finally oxytocin (lurve) which is the real bonding one and emerges after the others have settled down (hence you don't get it early on).


It could work differently for different people. I'd say lust comes first, then a crush and lastly a strong bond. It's hard to know which chemicals are responsible for what, but it's my impression that oxytocin is related to pleasurable feelings, so should go with a crush / infatuation mostly. Adrenaline probably is also mostly related to infatuation (being tense, clammy hands, funny stomach feelings).

For sexual people, I'm sure that sex also produces oxytocin that affects the bonding process, but for many neurodiverse people the bonding process appears to be triggered by stronger an infatuation and obsessive thoughts instead, which kind of work like a replacement for regular sex.



rdos
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14 Feb 2016, 6:38 am

hurtloam wrote:
I wouldn't go as far as saying that dating is only a social game for people who want to play around. I don't think that's fair.


OK, to be fair, most of the time there is some notion that they might find a long-term partner, but the anticipation is that this is a rare occurrence, which means they will go into it like a social game, and not as something super-serious.

hurtloam wrote:
If you don't have a lot of friends and you are shy, dating strangers may actually be the only way to meet someone and grow a relationship.


Perhaps if you are dating other shy people this could work. If you date typical, outgoing people, there is a big chance that they will see it as a social game and you will see it as super-serious, and then you will be left with feelings when they've already moved on.

But I'd hardly say it's the only way. You can get into relationships even if you don't date and are very shy. You described such a method yourself a few posts back which does work for shy people.



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14 Feb 2016, 8:41 am

hurtloam wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
I don't want to marry anyway so yes.

I think it is bizarre idea not dating someone unless you want to marry them. Either you want to marry a lot of people or you haven't thought it through.


People who stick with the "I'll only date you if I see serious relationship potential in you" don't date people they've just just met. If on first meeting a person they feel an attraction they don't jump in right then and ask them out. They wait. They observe the person over time. Maybe they invite the other person to join in with their friends just hanging out. They learn about the other person and when they are sure that there is something of substance there and their feelings haven't fizzled out then they make a move

That method used to frustrate me because all I could see was a load of wimps too scared to take a chance, but started to gradually fall for a friend who I had been initially attracted to when we met years ago and then I understood. Sometimes that initial spark grows into something you didn't even expect.


Not always. People who only date if they see serious relationship material in the other person can also meet them on dating sites, you know, where they are intentionally looking for someone to have a relationship. In that case, even if they would only date people who they see as long-term relationship material, they may never of met in person before the first date but at the same time might of had long conversations with them online over a certain period of time.

Also, even if they're meeting people in the traditional way, i.e. socially in the real world and not using online dating services etc, then depending on how often they see each other, it can take everything from a week to a few months to a year to decide whether they they see serious relationship in the other person and decide to date them. So, there is no set time limit.



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14 Feb 2016, 10:12 am

Yep there's no rules. All I know is no one ever likes me enough to actually take it further :(


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rdos
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14 Feb 2016, 11:29 am

Jono wrote:
Not always. People who only date if they see serious relationship material in the other person can also meet them on dating sites, you know, where they are intentionally looking for someone to have a relationship. In that case, even if they would only date people who they see as long-term relationship material, they may never of met in person before the first date but at the same time might of had long conversations with them online over a certain period of time.


The problem is, there are lots of players online as well only looking for attention, and not really wanting (or expecting) something serious even if they agree to see somebody in the real word. Thus, I don't think online dating is a whole lot better than typical dating. Both scenarios are full of social games.

I could even argue that it is much easier to just play games with people online than it is in real life, mostly because of anonymity issues.



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14 Feb 2016, 3:50 pm

I've changed my mind again. Take a chance. If you like someone, ask them out. For all you know your hesitation is tearing them apart and they feel like a fool for falling for you. They could be sitting crying right now wondering why no one will ever love them.

Take a chance.


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15 Feb 2016, 1:22 am

I voted "yes", because what I'm looking for is more like a "playground crush" that turns into something vaguely sexual and innocently romantic. I don't feel I'm ready for something so "adultly serious" that marriage would be a consideration.

When thinking about marriage, I feel kind of like a kid thinking about driving a car. He's maybe done it in video games, likely he has gone on bumper cars at the amusement park, but he probably can't truly understand what driving a real car entails and how much responsibility it takes. Except I haven't even done the relationship equivalent of riding bumper cars, which is basically what I'm looking for, and that's the role that dating would have at this time in my life.



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15 Feb 2016, 3:23 am

rdos wrote:
Jono wrote:
Not always. People who only date if they see serious relationship material in the other person can also meet them on dating sites, you know, where they are intentionally looking for someone to have a relationship. In that case, even if they would only date people who they see as long-term relationship material, they may never of met in person before the first date but at the same time might of had long conversations with them online over a certain period of time.


The problem is, there are lots of players online as well only looking for attention, and not really wanting (or expecting) something serious even if they agree to see somebody in the real word. Thus, I don't think online dating is a whole lot better than typical dating. Both scenarios are full of social games.

I could even argue that it is much easier to just play games with people online than it is in real life, mostly because of anonymity issues.

That may be a problem for some, but I've not found it to be a problem. I look for people online who don't seem like the game-playing types, and date them. It works for me. I don't play games and if they do, I haven't noticed. It's just a really simple process: find out a few things before meeting to see if, on "paper", they are relationship material; meet them (this is a date); keep meeting them (dating); decide they are who you want to be exclusive with and form a relationship with them; eventually get married.

I don't do the marriage part but the rest works for me, and I'm a non-game-playing aspie. At any point it might not work out and so the process stops. That's fine and it's not a game, it's just part of the figuring-out process.



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15 Feb 2016, 3:53 am

With what rdos said if you have very strong feelings for someone, you see regular then that will feel like a strong friendship & you will fall in love with your friend, is this really true?


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