My girlfriend might have Aspergers

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confused_boyfriend
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26 Jan 2016, 5:22 am

I apologise in advance if I am posting in the wrong forum or if I am posting out of place.

I am a late 30's male and have been dating a woman (mid to late 30's) for just under 6 months. Initially things went great and I fell head over heels in love with her. But, by the time the relationship started to get intimate problems started and were always very difficult to resolve. Eventually she told me she loved me, but certain things didn't make sense. Her actions did not strike me as the actions of a girl in love and it caused tension and further arguments in the relationship, it got to the point where a number of times I threatened to break up with her and I finally did last week. It didn't last long though and she promised me that she would make an effort for the relationship and I've taken her back. Last night I was talking with a friend who suggested that maybe she is somewhere on the spectrum and when I did some research suddenly a lot of things made sense. I love this girl and I guess I am firstly looking to see if I am barking up the wrong tree completely (maybe I'm the one who just doesn't understand her) and if she is on the spectrum how best I can go about making this relationship work. I would be grateful for any advice.

The things that make me think she may be on the spectrum are:

* She is incredibly intelligent. Probably the most intelligent person I've ever met. I'm no dunce, but I've done puzzles where it's taken me a few minutes to solve and I've shown them to her and she's gotten it instantly.
* She is very successful in her career.
* She seems to compartmentalise her life, when she is at work she has no time to do anything else. Messages will get ignored until the evening when she may have her time for answering messages. (She will take phone calls during the day though). When travelling she only has time for what it is she is doing and can not/will not call while she is away.
* She has almost panic attacks over very minor things (spilling a glass of water) but sometimes misses the importance of larger things.
* She shows a lack of empathy in certain situations
* She seems to enjoy the attention I give her, but has no desire to reciprocate or do something to make me smile.
* She has problems with intimacy
* In certain social situations where she is used to she is very good, in those where she not so used to she feels awkward. I've seen her being completely rude with a friend just because she was asked what she did for a living.
* She has friends from her childhood, but doesn't open up that much to new friends. She also seems limited in the things that she can talk with her friends about. Superficial relationship stuff is ok, but deeper stuff or anything about intimacy is totally taboo.
* We have had communication problems and certain topics in the relationship were taboo until I made it clear that if we couldn't discuss things there was going to be no relationship.
* I often find her quite cold even though she says she loves me.
* She seems mildy over sensitive to certain stimuli, but not at all to others.
* Sometimes I'm quite surprised at her ability to remember certain pieces of information (car number plates) or details she sees around her or reads, but she often forgets things that I have said.
* She often tells me the same piece of information a number of times.
* She cuts across me when I say something and just starts a completely different conversation topic without letting me finish what I was saying or giving me an answer to what I said.
* Her humour is unnaturally childish for her age. She is embarrassed by any kind of crude joke at all. I've been in a theatre where literally the whole room burst out laughing at a joke and she looked almost uncomfortable.
* She doesn't feel the need to do something to please me in the relationship and when she tries she usually does something for me that is something that would please her. She also shows little interest in me in general (a friend even commented about this once)
* While she had one longer relationship over 10 years ago, since then she's been unable to have anything longer than about 6 months unless the person she was with was emotionally unavailable to her (married or not committing)


There have been some minor improvements after we've argued/broken up about things and the last couple of days she really has seemed to be making efforts more towards me and the relationship. Things were really getting me down and getting to the point where my self esteem was really suffering and then my friend suggested it might be Aspergers last night and things started to suddenly make sense. I would love to make the relationship with this girl work. I do love her, but up until now the fact that I was putting so much in and getting nothing back was getting me really quite low. We were making progress painfully slowly even though she really said she wanted to be with me, but her actions just did not seem to back up what she was saying. I know I can't "fix" this, but I would love to know how I can help her and how I can learn how to deal with this (if it is infact Aspergers) to give this relationship the best chance possible.

I am sorry if I have somehow said something inappropriate. I am facing potentially a new situation and I am feeling quite lost in terms of how best to deal with it. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.



Marcia
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27 Jan 2016, 9:37 pm

Whether or not she has Asperger's, it does sound like you are incompatible. Those aspects of her behaviour and personality which had you threatening and then actually breaking up with her are still going to be there, and won't significantly change.

Oh, and she's a woman, not a girl! And being an intelligent woman who is successful in her career and ignores personal text messages in work-time aren't signs of Asperger's. :roll:



Cosmomemories
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12 Jul 2016, 4:56 pm

Man....what you said is soooo similar to a chick I just broke off with. 6 months of dating too...

She never told me anything about her allegedly disorder. I thought it was a matter of introversion until I researched the issue.

Now I know why she acted the way she did and was able to go white to black in 5 minutes of text.

If I knew from the start....I would not have dated her.

If I knew about ASD 3 months in...I would have tried to work things out with her and be more patient (i have always taken the role of leading and guiding her).

But honestly, if they arent forthcoming and accept who they are, and from there work together, you shouldn't even bother.



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12 Jul 2016, 5:05 pm

Not sure if Katy, but for the lurkers... People who you think have an asd can't be forthcoming about it if they don't know they are on the spectrum. All they're doing is their best and feeling bewildered when other people get upset with them



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12 Jul 2016, 6:00 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Not sure if Katy, but for the lurkers... People who you think have an asd can't be forthcoming about it if they don't know they are on the spectrum. All they're doing is their best and feeling bewildered when other people get upset with them


Its expectation management. Its a stigma to reveal mental disorders but if after a few months the person is still willing to be with you (they dont judge you as being weird)...opening up at least on this issue would clear ambiguity on the guy/gal trying to figure out that gap in the relationship. Otherwise it will not end well, unless the NT knows and can identify people with autism right off the bat (or if he/she is extremely patient).

Being someone who didnt know about ASD until after the relationship is gone, it is the only advice I can give.



hurtloam
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12 Jul 2016, 6:07 pm

You're completely ignoring what I said.

If the person doesn't know they have an asd they can't tell you that they are on the spectrum.



Cosmomemories
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12 Jul 2016, 8:25 pm

hurtloam wrote:
You're completely ignoring what I said.

If the person doesn't know they have an asd they can't tell you that they are on the spectrum.


Ah...sorry.

Would they know they're 'different' (at least, for HFA)? I remember I was going through HBR's book on Emotional Intelligence, and the girl I spoke to (who I suspect has autism + other PD traits) said she's obviously weak on social skills.They might not know they've ASD, but a good number I think would know they're unique? And can describe the ways that make them unique?

I'm quite daft when it comes to this. The person I was seeing showed lots of signs of being on the spectrum but I thought it was 'cute' and that her routines/rigidity was a sign that she's a person who sticks to principle (like me); and treated her the same way like I would with anyone else....except I get edgy when there's a lack of communication in between dates.

What she says during dates and her (in)actions in between are conflicting. If someone just pointed out to me "she's different" or if she would tell me "I need time to rest after coming out....I sometimes have difficulty expressing myself...etc" then I would probably be more patient and even find out wtf is going on proactively.

Kinda sucks when everyone tells me she is 'weird', I thought she was just extremely introverted and very conservative.

Communication is key. In anything.



Alliekit
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12 Jul 2016, 8:33 pm

Cosmomemories wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
You're completely ignoring what I said.

If the person doesn't know they have an asd they can't tell you that they are on the spectrum.


Ah...sorry.

Would they know they're 'different' (at least, for HFA)? I remember I was going through HBR's book on Emotional Intelligence, and the girl I spoke to (who I suspect has autism + other PD traits) said she's obviously weak on social skills.They might not know they've ASD, but a good number I think would know they're unique? And can describe the ways that make them unique?

I'm quite daft when it comes to this. The person I was seeing showed lots of signs of being on the spectrum but I thought it was 'cute' and that her routines/rigidity was a sign that she's a person who sticks to principle (like me); and treated her the same way like I would with anyone else....except I get edgy when there's a lack of communication in between dates.

What she says during dates and her (in)actions in between are conflicting. If someone just pointed out to me "she's different" or if she would tell me "I need time to rest after coming out....I sometimes have difficulty expressing myself...etc" then I would probably be more patient and even find out wtf is going on proactively.

Kinda sucks when everyone tells me she is 'weird', I thought she was just extremely introverted and very conservative.

Communication is key. In anything.


The point of autism is that communication is a struggle. That's why it's a social disorder

Also you may feel like your a bit odd but to an asd person that behaviour is normal to them they don't know any different. In my case someone else noticed it before I did and I know it was the same for others wth asd



Anngables
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13 Jul 2016, 7:24 am

An NT perspective for a relationship with a neurodiverse man (in my case). Learning my lovely friend had aspergers was the breakthrough I needed to understand him. He was'nt being uncaring, aloof or cold, in fact quite the opposite. However it is a little like learning a different language you have to watch and understand their way of showing they care. There are many once you begin to recognise them. Compromise is a big part too. I am an incredibly tactile person and my friend is touch sensitive. I learnt to ask for a hug and not just take one. He now spontaneously offers hugs occasionally. It's all about give and take. Big word of advice don't ask other NTs (who have no experience) for advice they will always tell you that "you are kidding yourself and they are just not that into you" . Instead trust your own instinct. :heart:



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13 Jul 2016, 7:44 am

Anngables wrote:
An NT perspective for a relationship with a neurodiverse man (in my case). Learning my lovely friend had aspergers was the breakthrough I needed to understand him. He was'nt being uncaring, aloof or cold, in fact quite the opposite. However it is a little like learning a different language you have to watch and understand their way of showing they care. There are many once you begin to recognise them. Compromise is a big part too. I am an incredibly tactile person and my friend is touch sensitive. I learnt to ask for a hug and not just take one. He now spontaneously offers hugs occasionally. It's all about give and take. Big word of advice don't ask other NTs (who have no experience) for advice they will always tell you that "you are kidding yourself and they are just not that into you" . Instead trust your own instinct. :heart:


I wish I knew. Could've kept my relationship (or maybe it wasn't something I wanted to keep in the long run). I was asking all my NT friends for advice. More outgoing guys said 'yeah, not interested' and the introverted females told me she's interested. The latter was surprised when things turned sour in a matter of minutes.

Wish someone dropped me the ASD hint. No one did, aside using words such as 'weird' which I thought was introversion + extreme conservatism.



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13 Jul 2016, 8:04 am

It was years before my wife and I figured out that I had Aspergers--she though I was just a quirky genius. Once we figured it out we were both smart enough to make adjustments--our relationship went from meh to great!



Bridgette77
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13 Jul 2016, 1:32 pm

Anngables wrote:
An NT perspective for a relationship with a neurodiverse man (in my case). Learning my lovely friend had aspergers was the breakthrough I needed to understand him. He was'nt being uncaring, aloof or cold, in fact quite the opposite. However it is a little like learning a different language you have to watch and understand their way of showing they care. There are many once you begin to recognise them. Compromise is a big part too. I am an incredibly tactile person and my friend is touch sensitive. I learnt to ask for a hug and not just take one. He now spontaneously offers hugs occasionally. It's all about give and take. Big word of advice don't ask other NTs (who have no experience) for advice they will always tell you that "you are kidding yourself and they are just not that into you" . Instead trust your own instinct. :heart:


Speaking from another NT's perspective, I can tell you with certainty that she is spot on with this. I have found a whole new beautiful world of color since I've been with my partner! I have found that at least in my case, my partner cares deeply, and more deeply than any other I have ever been with, and they do show it in so many other ways. If you learn to directly communicate with them without hinting, and learn their boundries, things will go much smoother. Just don't make demands. This doesn't go over too well. One thing to always remember in all of this is, If you met one Aspie, you met one Aspie. Don't lump them all in to one category, because they are not all the same. For instance, Where Anngables's partner is touch sensitive, mine is not. So learn about your partner. It can work, but it will take patience, and compromise. When you love someone, you will accept them for who they are and not try to change them.