WOMEN ONLY : Credit & BG checks on someone you're seeing

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I am just wondering what you all think about running credit and background checks on anyone you're interested in, and thinking of becoming "serious" with ? Is this something that everyone must do before getting into a romantic partnership ? What about blood and medical tests prior to actually becoming intimate ?

Of course, this assumes that you will also agree to your potential partner running your credit / background checks and gaining access to your medical records, and acknowledges that just because someone is financially fit, lacks a criminal history at this point of time, and does not - currently - suffer from any contagious disease does not necessarily mean that they won't gain a gambling addiction tomorrow or contract a contagious disease next year or get into legal hot water 5 years from now. In short, it is understood that life (and people) do not come with "lifetime warranties" or "safety guarantees".

This is an active and hot discussion on another forum right now. I think it sounds like a good idea, and want to know what you ladies all think / feel about this ?

Thanks !

My single friends with child do both of those. They also run the name through the sex offender list.

Reason for the SO check, is sometimes those don't show up on the back ground checks.

Men do it too. Especially the credit check.

Since I already have a child, I would need to be very careful about any man I would date. I'm not entirely sure I'd trust any other man around my child. Not because I think all or even most men are bad, but because often the bad ones hide it well.

It's a real shame, because I'm sure there are so many wonderful guys out there. But when it comes to one's children, one can never be too careful.

I would check the sex offender registry and run a background and credit check. With permission, of course, and I would also have no problem having the same checks done for myself. We'd both have to have STD testing, too. I know I'm STD-free, but I'd have no problem getting a test to prove it.

When would be the appropriate time to run these checks ? For instance, it can become mighty expensive to run background and credit checks on every individual you were to go out with, not to mention having to pull your own records to furnish to them, right ? OTOH, I would not want to get emotionally involved with someone only to later discover that they had a criminal record or an STD. SO registries are probably something that anyone should do even before the first date, though, but the other checks leave me wondering about the timing ? What is your opinion on the "when" ? Also, are there any situations when you'd overlook a poor credit ?

Whenever I started having serious feelings for the person, I suppose. I think I would know the right time. It would have to be mutually discussed.

Bad credit wouldn't be a deal-breaker. A criminal record might. It would really depend on the person, I think, and the individual situation.

Yes, I would want to know WHY his credit was so god-awful, as opposed to the fact that it was. If he had had to endure a long stint of unemployment or if he had been ill and had racked up ginormous medical bills, I'd probably overlook that as opposed to debts accrued as a result of frequent trips to Vegas or a drinking problem.

What do you think of someone who accuses you of not loving him or trusting him enough when you bring up the topic of background checks and medical tests ? Would you dump him in a hurry ? After all, if he had nothing to hide, and if you were also returning the favour, he shouldn't have a problem furnishing his reports, should he ?

i've never run a background check or credit check on anyone. i might have been better off if i had. my sociopath ex-fiance might have had a criminal record that warned me about him. my husband and i were tested for HIV, hep B, and hep C before we had sex. our other partners were in the distant past, so there was no need to check for gonorrhea and such.

I've never run checks like this on someone I was getting into a relationship with, although I suppose it's becoming a wise thing to do these days, with easier access to such a process.

I know that my potential clients have run checks on me, but I don't think men in my life have. I was dating more in the pre-internet era though, when nobody really checked up on anything about anyone in just your social life.

I do wish I'd looked into more stuff about my last involvement, but the tricky thing about that guy is that he was very savvy about covering his tracks in anything that could arouse suspicion -- and I didn't know THAT either. Until it was too late. It turned out that he managed to stay out of officially recognized trouble yet was actually involved in some very dodgy things, had friends of an unsavory nature that I was not able to become aware of, etc. I thought I knew him inside-out but bad stuff came to light only later, and none of it actually could be looked up in background checks.

So even checks like these may not reveal everything negative about a person, especially if they're like my ex who proactively stayed under many kinds of radar, the conniving bastard.

I have done internet searches to see what comes up on a guy's name and address, and checked police records and such, and these searches always lead to sites that do full background checks. I have never actually paid for a report though, I've always stopped at that point. I figure by that time, if I have reason enough to think I need to run a report, something is already off about the relationship.

Men have freely disclosed things to me like jail time, disability, mental illness, being committed, debt or other money problems, extended unemployment, children (including having disabled or mentally ill children), addiction (past or present), time in rehab, ex wives and so on. Any of those things would give me a lot to think about, however none of them would be an absolute deal breaker.

I do realize there's a fair chance that however much a person discloses openly, there could be something far worse they aren't saying. But I guess what I'm saying is I've never been in a situation where things seemed too good to be true. I've always known right up front that there might be something unfavorable. But I will say that the only one of those things that ever caused a serious problem, or did any lasting damage to me, has been mental illness.

However with all that said, I have never shared finances with a partner in any way, other than to pay my share (or often more than my share) on things like meals or trip expenses. I would have to know someone very well and trust them deeply before I would take a financial risk by moving in together, sharing actual living expenses or bill paying, or having joint accounts. I have never felt comfortable taking that risk with anyone, which has a lot to do with why I am still single.

Before I would ever open a joint account with ANYONE, for ANY reason, I would definitely want to see their credit history. I think that is just common sense and it is fair. In a relationship, I would expect it to be shared openly so I don't have to go behind their back. Credit reports are free and I check mine every so often anyway, so naturally I would volunteer my own if there was any question about it. I would expect my partner to be checking their credit rating as well.

I would not base having a relationship with someone or not on their credit rating/history. If they had a lot of debt or a bad rating I would want to know why. I would understand if it was because of illness, unemployment or other hardships. I am a hopeless romantic and would be willing to take on or overlook a lot of things if it was true love. I would probably be willing to pay most of the living expenses if they couldn't contribute equally.

But I would be very, very cautious about getting financially entangled with a man who is not responsible with money. In that case I'd be more inclined to keep finances separate to some extent. I have excellent credit, and no debt other than a car payment, and credit cards that I pay off before any interest is charged. I don't want to get stuck with debt that isn't mine, or have my credit ruined by someone's mistakes.

I've always noticed just spending time around someone, it's pretty easy to see how they are with money, plus they let little comments slip that tell a lot. Maybe I'm just really vigilant about it, but it's never been a mystery I had to dig into very deep to find out what was going on.

Some people don't have a good credit rating because they pay cash for everything. One of my ex's was like that, he had never had a car loan or credit card or any other kind of debt so basically had no credit history whatsoever. Some people don't even realize that actually hurts your credit instead of helping it. lol I wasn't too keen on that, but then again, he did pay cash and generally paid his own way. What bothered me more was the way he spent money, he wouldn't do things like comparison shopping or looking for coupons or discounts. He would just plunk the cash down full price. To my mind that was money wasted, and more of a waste than paying reasonable interest on an ordinary debt like a car loan.

mental illness need not be detrimental to a relationship. my husband has the one considered the most serious - schizophrenia - and he is the sweetest, most conscientious person i've ever met.

But better to be safe than sorry, right, Dianthus ? One thing I've realized is that love can make otherwise cautious folks go bat sh1t crazy. When your emotions are on the line, and he's wooing you with a new Beethoven-esque composition every evening, proclaiming his undying love for you now and forever... the last thing on your mind is, "Gee, he is soooooooo sweet. Time to run a background check on this dude RIGHT NOW !"

Nah.. sure doesn't happen that way, does it ? Which is probably every reason to actually think with one's head (after putting The Heart on silent mode) and take the practical aspects of life in general, and love in particular, seriously, once we move into "commitment phase". Co-mingling finances can be a lot of trouble, especially if one of the partnership is irresponsible with money. When a married couple co-mingles funds, those funds then become community property (in states like California), even if some of the co-mingled funds comes from one spouse's inheritances or premarital assets.Also, marital debt can be a credit rating killer, as the debt - like assets - is also "community property", even if the spouse's name is not on the loans.

Classmate married dude who had plans to go to law school. She had a decent paying job with a mid-sized IT firm. He worked part-time at a community college, and really really wanted to be a lawyer. Took out a ginormous student loan that she co-signed for. Yeah, real DUMB, aye ? He graduated law school, went to work, and turned into a nasty bit of work. Cheated on her and eventually left her - when she was 8 months pregnant - for a co-worker ! Things didn't go too well for him, though, and he began to default on his student loans a little while later (new girlfriend wasn't a thrifty, smart woman with money like the ex-wife was). Guess who is STILL paying on those student loans to this day ?

Now, the law wrt student loans is very different, even in community property states and had she NOT CO-SIGNED a loan, HE would have been on the hook for the hundreds of thousands of dollars of loans for HIM to go to law school. Since love is such a many splendored thing and all that jazz, she is still paying for her stupidity. Meanwhile, he is on to Wife No. 3 (cheated on mistress-turned-ex-wife-no-2 as well), and not very good with things like alimony and child support. So, in a way, yes... financial irresponsibility can also be a sign of other issues / challenges / ethics.

Love may not last forever, but stupidity lasts A LIFETIME (as my friend has discovered to her enormous dismay). But you live and you learn. Tomorrow is another day.

I would think that that person should know me well enough at that point to know that I have a practical personality, and that it's not to be taken as an offense. If I were willing, and he was not, I'd want to know why. If after talking it over, he still decided not to, then I would have to break things off. I can understand someone being offended, and not liking the idea, but my personal security and safety do take priority.

I would run checks NOW in my life, if someone were to come into my life. I don't want any more relationships so that's not really going to be an issue for me anymore.

But in defence on NOT bothering to run checks ---- there once was a time when not only was running background checks on a person not easy, prohibitively expensive, or almost impossible for an ordinary person who was not a member of the CIA or something.

And that same time was also an era when nobody even thought to do it anyway, and most of the time things turned out okay.

That's NOT to say it always did -- of course there has always been partners turning out to have skeletons in the closet that ruined a marriage or the life of the other partner. Of course things like that have always happened.

But there used to not even be an awful lot of credit in many people's lifestyle, back in my parents' generation at least. We are now a society where it's normal for everyone to have obscene amounts of debt and credit, but things weren't always that way.

You have to understand, even though running a background check may be important to do NOW, and you might consider the person who "forgot" to do it in recent times to be a fool, cut some freaking slack because there was a time when nobody did.

When my parents got married in the 1940s, no such thing existed. They didn't run checks on each other. When my sisters got married in the 60s and 70s they didn't.

The REASONS I've never run a check on anyone in the past, in my now-retired love life, because:

1) I come from a generation where this just wasn't even "a thing" once upon a time. So it wasn't actually on my radar to even do this. That's NOT saying "there's no reason" or that I'm not aware I should do it NOWADAYS, I agree I should. That's just saying I come from a time when this wasn't yet widely done. That's all.

2) I stopped dating or being involved with anyone in 2002, when the ability for a regular citizen to use the internet to run checks was still only just becoming part of the ordinary person's awareness. Employers were already doing it for employees but back then I never met anyone who was yet doing it regarding a potential mate. So by the time running checks on a love partner became more widely done, I was "not on the market" anyway and not dating, I had nobody to have to run a check on. I was out of the playing field anyway.

Years passed by without my even having to think about stuff like this. By the time I was involved again with someone in 2008, sure, fine, it SHOULD HAVE BEEN something I did.

But gimme a break. I hadn't dated since the time when people were not even doing this regarding partners. My mind was stuck in the past.

And also, I'd know this man SINCE CHILDHOOD. I already knew the "bad stuff" because I even knew him while those were part of his life. For the rest of it, I trusted him for reasons that most people would say they can't blame me for -- we had known each other all our lives with a constant awareness of what was happening in each others lives. If someone had suggested I run a background check I would have said I already know the bad things in his past. But I truly thought it was in his past. I didn't know there was anything new to be worried about.

But here's the tricky thing -- the things that are contra-indicators about him NOW are actually things that even a background check would not have revealed, because the bastard actually makes a science out of covering his tracks. This would not even have been revealed in any background check. Some things you can only learn about a person in real time in real life, as frightening as that is.

I resent anyone trying to suggest that anyone who failed to run checks was necessarily "blinded/made crazy by love."

I'm not condoning NOT running checks -- I'm ALL FOR IT especially after that last guy. I will now never even be in another relationship simple because I'm burned out generally and don't want the stress. But if I were to be, sure I'd run checks.

But don't beat me up for failing to find out what I didn't know about my last partner. For the above reasons. Jesus christ, it never even used to be a thing.

Woah, woah... no one was attacking you, BirdInFlight. This isn't a judgmental thread - this was soliciting opinions in this forum as this is quite the debate in the other message board with people there complaining that "lack of trust in your fellow human being" is almost as bad as financial irresponsibility or a criminal background. However, as I mentioned in the post above - which I had to split up into two because of the freaking CAPTCHA - I do think that when emotions are entangled, not everyone is strong enough to actually think past their emotions into reality. Maybe some strong women - like you - are. Me ? Never, and I paid for my youthful mistakes and naivete the very hard way. Even so, I think my experience is still tonnes better than my classmate who is still paying on a student loan for her jerk ex to go to college because she was "so much in love" and "he's such a sweetheart" and "we'll be sitting in our back porch, gazing into the sunset and watching the grandkids playing in the sandpit together". YEAH... RIGHT ! Hindsight is 20/20, and if we both are telling our friends / family / neighbours / anyone who is in love but still cares to listen to run a damned background and credit check already !

I am again limited by my post length, but rest assured - no judgment on you whatsoever. Not when I, too, have had the benefit of hindsight to show up my past foolishness.

I wouldn't automatically judge anyone as stupid, etc. for trusting someone they love. Especially in a marriage because it's fair to believe that those vows weren't taken lightly.

Like Bird In Flight said, running background checks wasn't always a thing. I didn't even know it had become a thing now, until I saw this thread.

I would feel pretty insulted if a guy wanted to run a background check on me just to date me. That just strikes me as being really nosy and invasive, bordering on paranoid. I would wonder why on earth he wanted to date me, if he felt he couldn't trust me to be who and what I say I am. I'd understand if it was because he had a horrible experience with an ex...but then again, I've also found that to be one of the most compelling reasons NOT to get involved with a man. It is hard to have a good relationship with someone who is still stuck on a past relationship.

But I've never really gone out on "dates" in the way that other people do it. I mean I am pretty unlikely to go out on a date at all. I would be very unlikely to go out with a man at all if I hadn't already had a chance to observe his behavior for awhile. I am extremely unlikely to be swept off my feet by a stranger.