Is it possible to restart?

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I take walks but they really don't do anything for me.

I never meet new friends at the bookstore. People just browse and ignore me. Same with places like Starbucks. It's even worse because people usually already have company with them.

I went to a community college and it was far from aspie friendly. There were no clubs dedicated to special interests, the disability services sucked, and unless you were 'mainstream', people would ignore you. The classes were all boring and paint by numbers.



Uncomfortable?

Yea, another barrier to personal change is the discomfort, especially for us aspies. I know in my case that even though I wasn't happy with my life, I was a lot more comfortable with it than I realized. There was a fair amount of discomfort involved when I made changes. Of course now, I'm really grateful that I'm not the person I once was.

i would imagine so

g**@$#A, I was in my fifties before I got the idea that things could be different. Yes, it's possible to change what's happening. The details of how are specific to any particular situation. For me, practically nothing's changed in the decade since my diagnosis. All the time, I thought I was trying, but the best I can claim is that things haven't got any worse.

Be glad you weren't born in the Bible Belt. I feel like I should've been born somewhere else.

I grew up in TX, most people there have religions, but its more of a sunday thing, it sure never got in the way of whatever else they wanted to do. Either way, authority figures were awful, I live in the PNW now, and I never see authority figures behaving with impunity the way they did in TX.

In my experience living here, there are serious church goers and those who don't go to church but still kick up a fuss about being christian despite drinking heavily, smoking heavily, and having pre-marital sex. They'll use the excuse "God will forgive my sins!" but they will damn LGBT people and people of other faiths. The latter are more common.

Yea, I take it for granted that I don't have to suffer those kinds of people anymore. Some guys are basically frat boys with bibles.

I just don't know what to do with myself. My mind gets worn out with constant overanalyzation and it feels like a lot of the things others recommend me to do require a certain level of prior experience that I don't have. It's like someone who has never sang before trying to sing on Broadway. I don't know how to pull myself up and feel hopeful about the future when I've failed so much.

That problem comes up a lot, people wanting skills before you have an opportunity to improve. I actually enlisted awhile back because the military was the only place that didn't want prior experience. I think the peace-corps is the same way, just a little less generous with the benefits. I really didn't know what I wanted out of life when I signed up, so I was hoping for some direction. It took me over 8 years to realize that manufacturing was my true interest and that I was willing to learn and re-learn for it.

Yea, its a good thing you're analyzing things, I'm not much of a thinker when you get down to it, thats why it took me so long. Is there a direction you want to take your life in?

I really don't know. I feel like a malfunction on all levels so I have no goals.

You sound depressed Marknis. Perhaps you could look into getting treatment for that.

I had an opportunity to make friends in a therapy group (and I didn't try, foolish, foolish me) as I found people who had similar tastes and people were genuine in it. (Most social situations involve being disengenuine)

When I try to change it is hard because I do not feel a sense of accomplishment when I do accomplish because it seems so small. And then when I do manage to change, something happens and I fall back down again. I grew up with high expectations of myself, feeling like I could do anything I set my mind to, truly. And then things went downhill after highschool as my mental health declined. I'm facing right now the possibility of moving back home to live with my parents it has gotten so bad.

Sorry, this probably wasn't very helpful, but you're not alone.

Yes, I do believe that restarting is something not only possible, but also something very good, psychologically speaking, when you had a bad past. Even more when there's anxiety, trauma, or worse, PTSD or C-PTSD. Although it also means stepping out of your comfort zone, but as long as it isn't unbearable I think it isn't bad. It's all for the best when you consciously take this kind of decision (which I'm currently doing). Sticking to bad old habits is something that can lead to chronic depression. Radical change and detachment is sometimes necessary and accelerates learning when you replace your old habits with new ones. It can't make miracles but when the mood changes, the brain learns much better as well.

I am going to be 32 in less than a month. I can tell you, I have nothing figured out.
I am in a job that if I didn't have a great empathetic boss, I would hate it(the job).
The longest job I have kept is about 3 years.
I don't know what I want to do but I know it is not this.
After taking one college class, I become exhausted and have to take a break.
I have dropped out of 4 different fields of study because I think, "Oh, I can do <insert job>." and then 6 months later, "No wait, I don't want to."
I have never bought my own car, and the only reason I can afford my rent is because its a cheap trailer park where my mother has bought the trailer.
I currently have maxed out both my credit cards because I don't know how to manage my own money.
I have only had one serious relationship, and it was so bad that I am almost convinced that I probably shouldn't date again.

But guess what? I am still okay, I am still trying, and I still find joy in my life. I go swing and salsa dancing because I love it, and it helps me be more socialized. I am taking general ed classes at the junior college so that when I do know what I want to major in, at least I will have those credits done with. I make sure to take time out for me to quiet my mind, de-stress from all the overstimulization, and stim to my hearts content. And I go to therapy, so that I can process all the neglect, bullying and shame that was put on me while I was growing up.

You have to start showing yourself the compassion. You have your unique set of challenges that many people have not had to deal with. There is no shame in not knowing where to start or what to do. Just pick out a goal, any goal, any direction, and start working toward that. Even if it ends up being the "wrong" goal (wrong major, wrong job) you will have learned something about the world, and yourself. Along the way you will gain skills and feel more competent and confident in your abilities, even if its in areas that you weren't really looking to gain. The more you try, the more success you will get and that will motivate you more to keep trying different things until you find what you want.

Acknowledge that you were treated unjustly, and that this had nothing to do with you personally. We as children automatically believe that we are at fault for everything bad that happens. You have to work at retraining your neural pathways to believe that it was not your fault. I don't know if you can do this without a therapist (I have never been very successful at it by myself). But you could try with positive mantras every morning and night. Your ability to believe with your whole mind (not just the conscious part) that you deserve compassion, and that you are capable will greatly improve your success in anything you choose to do.

Reading your responses, I suspect you may have a seratonin deficiency. If you talk to your doctor about how discouraged and unmotivated and self-disparaging you feel, you may find that medication would help you actually feel like you had a choice in life, as opposed to what you feel now, which seems like you feel you have no options.

Every year I go through, it feels like life is programmed for me to fail.

I don't mean in starting from birth all over again because that is impossible. It's hard for me to explain but it involves catching up and learning things even if you missed out on them in your developmental years.

I still live at home with my mother, I only work part time, I don't have any special talents, I failed college, my social life is pretty much nonexistent, and I am completely isolated from the dating scene. I had a painful childhood growing up thanks to overprotective parents, an oppressive culture (Bible Belt), a mean older brother, bullying at school, and people shoving their religion down my throat. I didn't learn proper socialization and was not encouraged to be my own person but to be 'average'.

It brings up a lot of emotional pain to write all this so I have to cut it short. But is there a way for things to get better?
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some things can't be fixed. for example, the bullying @ school and your "mean older brother". those things were in the past.

you could get another part time job. you could get a job that you are better at, that you like, or that pays more.

if you want, you can work on special talents. talents/skills/intelligence are nature versus nurture. quite frankly, i ain't got no special talents either. and i ain't particularly good at anything. but that ain't a moral flaw, a crime, or a choice. i just happen to not be good at anything. it does not make me morally inferior to someone with more talent, income, job skills, precious little "friends", muscle strength, good look. or any other job skills.

you can work on practicing talents. things like playing a musical instrument, playing a sport, speaking a foreign language, meditation, computer skills. take classes at the local recreation center. take classes at community college. YouTube videos. practice drawing. pick up a new skill. some skills do not necessarily have to involve precious little "people".

if you want, go back to school. community college takes everyone, except certain specific groups.

having said that, if you choose not to go to school, fine. society overrates school. society treats school like the
be all end all

there are plenty of jobs you can work at without school.

my cousin got a BS in Aerospace Engineering 10 years ago. and he still has not moved out.

a friend told me he got a MS in Math. he worked as a tenured community college instructor. in math. then he worked at Oracle. 17 years. software engineer. then he told me his whole division got laid off. for one year he worked at trader joes. about 14 dollars an hour. stocking shelves. then he told me he got a job at Sylvan Learning Center as a precalculus tutor. about 15 dollar per hour. minimum wage where he lives is about 12 dollars an hour.

in other words, going to school does not guarantee vocational competence or financial productivity.

and besides, plenty of precious lil "people" that i have interacted with, with advanced degrees. masters, phd. have extremely simpleminded critical thinking skills. it makes me wonder how they finished k-12 much less a masters degree. like the licensed clinical social worker. counselor. at the community college.

she did not know what
sole proprietor
CPA
dojo
percent body fat

was, among other things. likewise, she did not know how to say "excuse me?" when i said something she did not hear. she only knew how to interrupt me and how to say "huh" and "what?" like a grammar school customer.

quite frankly, maybe she ought to get all her academic degrees revoked, b/c she did not know how to act in a way that made good use of them.

get a psychologist

get a psychiatrist, get meds

get a support group

go on online forums

read books and try new things

you might be able to make new friends. but, the number of friends you have is not proportional to your worth as a human being. if someone socially rejects you, then that does not necessarily mean there is something wrong with you.

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anyways, in answer to your question, it is just my opinion, that you could do things that might make your life a little better.

exactly what those things are, are different for everyone.

and, of course, the quality of life is subjective anyways.

certainly you might have strengths and things to be grateful for, that you have not recognized.