what things do you find RUDE from NT?

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AJisHere
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04 Feb 2016, 12:20 am

I did think of one thing that seems pretty firmly NT. I call it "doubling down on stupid".

This is when someone makes a mistake or gets caught in an obvious lie (not the white lies we're talking about, but actually bad ones), and rather than owning it they become upset that they're being called on their behavior and come up with really ham-fisted or half-assed excuses that make it painfully obvious what they're trying to do. It's a waste of everyone's time, given that the end result is everyone thinking even less of them than they would have if they just took responsibility.

Most autistic people I've met would behave differently in these situations. Thankfully, most NTs will too.

dianthus wrote:
When I walk into a store, and I am busily heading in the direction of whatever I want to buy, but a clerk actually moves in front of me and blocks my path to ask if I need help.


Retail thing again... yes, that can be annoying. We're pretty much required to do it, so take some solace in the fact it's often annoying for everyone involved. :lol:


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zkydz
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04 Feb 2016, 12:39 am

AJisHere wrote:
I did think of one thing that seems pretty firmly NT. I call it "doubling down on stupid".

This is when someone makes a mistake or gets caught in an obvious lie (not the white lies we're talking about, but actually bad ones), and rather than owning it they become upset that they're being called on their behavior and come up with really ham-fisted or half-assed excuses that make it painfully obvious what they're trying to do. It's a waste of everyone's time, given that the end result is everyone thinking even less of them than they would have if they just took responsibility....
Kinda reminds me of the current trend of the one sentence 'apology' and then three paragraphs of them justifying their original position anyway.


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04 Feb 2016, 12:49 am

In relation to me:

1. Asking me personal questions such as how old I am or why I walk on tiptoe

2. Making jokes or comments that I don't understand/piss me off

3. Not considering that I may be disabled and assuming the things I do are always my fault

4. Continuing to bother me when I've made it clear somehow that I want to be left alone

5. Telling me how I should do things or live my life

6. Staring at me or other people who are different

7. Touching me without permission

8. Taking offense to my reserved behavior and making everything about them

9. Assuming that everyone is like them/wants to be like them

10. Using autism stereotypes and trying to tell me what goes on in my head

11. When they misunderstand me and I explain that's not what I mean but they still don't listen

12. Saying things that upset me and then telling me I'm the one in the wrong for reacting to it.

In general:

1. Discounting anyone who disagrees with their pack mentality of how society should be

2. Calling people opinionated things like "ugly" or "stupid"

3. Only caring about something if it affects them emotionally

4. Not minding their own business

5. Calling people "weird"


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Last edited by rude1 on 04 Feb 2016, 12:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

AJisHere
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04 Feb 2016, 12:50 am

@Zykdz: It's kind of like that, yeah. Not identical, but very similar.


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Yigeren
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04 Feb 2016, 1:50 am

zkydz wrote:
What's worse is trying to decipher lies incoming and what is the little lies they tell. Is it a lie to worry about? Is it a lie to let slide?

They all are the same to me. If you lie about something small, you will certainly lie about something big. So....can I really depend on that?


Well, a white lie isn't really the same as a small lie, in my opinion. A white lie is more like a necessary lie. A small lie is a lie about something that is perhaps unimportant. Again, this is only my definition.

For instance, if a stranger asks me a question, like "Oh, you look tired, did you get enough sleep?" I can't just say "Yes, I did, I'm just hungover." Or if they ask me something personal, I can't necessarily say "Mind your own business." It's better to lie. It avoids potential arguments or offending people who may not be aware that they are nosy.

Or if a relative asks me something that I don't want them to know about or asks me anything else that is really none of their business. I can't just tell them it's none of their business, unfortunately. Then they will get suspicious and try even harder to find things out. Plus they will probably be mad at me.

Or in a job interview. Telling the truth is really bad. They absolutely do not want to know the truth. The truth does not get one hired. And they certainly aren't going to be telling the truth, either. I found this out the hard way:

"Would you enjoy working in sales?" "No."
"Did you like your last job?" "No, my boss was a horrible person."
"Why do you want to work here?" "Because I need the money."

Obviously, those sort of answers do not go over too well. I failed quite a few interviews.

Or lying to spare someone's feelings. If the truth is not going to help the person, or make things better, and may actually make things worse, then it's better to try to either avoid saying anything directly, or to lie. I don't usually do this, but sometimes I have to.

To me white lies are ethical and necessary lies. I try to always be as ethical as possible. I'm not perfect, but I try to be the best that I can be.



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04 Feb 2016, 2:25 am

A couple weeks ago I was at church with my family, and they were having some kind of meeting and everyone had to attend, even those who weren't involved in church budgeting matters or anything or cared about it (which I think was kind of rude in and of itself), and we were supposed to line up in two lines, side by side, in alphabetical order. A woman I'd never seen before/been introduced to came up behind me and said, "My name begins with *letter*, so I guess I'm behind you," and then she starts rubbing/patting/scratching my back, and I didn't even ask her to, or give her permission to do so. I wasn't in a very good mood that day to begin with (nothing had happened the way it normally does on Sunday - we had to get to church much earlier than usual, and now we all had to go to this meeting that half of us didn't even care about) and when you add in my being touched when I didn't want to be, I could feel myself getting to that point where the "firecrackers" would go off in my head (what happens when I get so angry/overloaded I can't take it anymore and it all has to go somewhere) and I would have to lash out somehow...which is usually at myself, so no one else gets hurt and I don't draw any attention to myself. I felt much better when we finally got to go home, and I changed clothes and got to have lunch.


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04 Feb 2016, 4:34 am

Yigeren wrote:
zkydz wrote:

Or in a job interview. Telling the truth is really bad. They absolutely do not want to know the truth. The truth does not get one hired. And they certainly aren't going to be telling the truth, either. I found this out the hard way:

"Would you enjoy working in sales?" "No."
"Did you like your last job?" "No, my boss was a horrible person."
"Why do you want to work here?" "Because I need the money."

Obviously, those sort of answers do not go over too well. I failed quite a few interviews.

Or lying to spare someone's feelings. If the truth is not going to help the person, or make things better, and may actually make things worse, then it's better to try to either avoid saying anything directly, or to lie. I don't usually do this, but sometimes I have to.

To me white lies are ethical and necessary lies. I try to always be as ethical as possible. I'm not perfect, but I try to be the best that I can be.

That is probably why I'll never get a job outside my interest.

I could be applying for a job at McDonalds and they'll ask me "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
I can't think up any lie. All I can say is "Probably still in the same position I'm applying for since climbing up the ladder in your company is the equivalent to a snail on a ground covered salt and your management is so horrible I'll probably quit after a month and give you bad reviews everywhere."

And if I do lie it will sound like I'm mocking them "I want to work here because it has always been my dream to put french fries in a deep fryer."



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04 Feb 2016, 4:37 am

What I find rude from NTs is somethings they say they really only expect a programmed response.

I realized when NTs ask "How are you doing?" they don't really care they just want you to say fine so they feel comfortable around you.

Edit: I also hate it when people "Watch your mouth" because it is usually said in a belligerent manner. The person they say it to could have no idea what they said was wrong or they're basically trying to police their words. And it is also basically a passive aggressive way of silencing someone.



Yigeren
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04 Feb 2016, 5:08 am

SnailHail wrote:
And if I do lie it will sound like I'm mocking them "I want to work here because it has always been my dream to put french fries in a deep fryer."


Yes, that will sound like mocking, lol. I have found that the best way is not to lie, but to omit things that will make me look bad, and emphasize the positive. A lot of it is just choosing the right words. And not talking too much. The less I say, the better. Otherwise there is a great risk of my saying something really stupid.

That's why I try to imagine what will be asked of me, and come up with appropriate responses. I actually don't usually lie, but I also don't just bluntly tell the truth as I used to.



zkydz
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04 Feb 2016, 6:38 am

Yigeren wrote:
zkydz wrote:
What's worse is trying to decipher lies incoming and what is the little lies they tell. Is it a lie to worry about? Is it a lie to let slide?

They all are the same to me. If you lie about something small, you will certainly lie about something big. So....can I really depend on that?


Well, a white lie isn't really the same as a small lie, in my opinion. A white lie is more like a necessary lie. A small lie is a lie about something that is perhaps unimportant. Again, this is only my definition.

For instance, if a stranger asks me a question, like "Oh, you look tired, did you get enough sleep?" I can't just say "Yes, I did, I'm just hungover." Or if they ask me something personal, I can't necessarily say "Mind your own business." It's better to lie. It avoids potential arguments or offending people who may not be aware that they are nosy.

Or if a relative asks me something that I don't want them to know about or asks me anything else that is really none of their business. I can't just tell them it's none of their business, unfortunately. Then they will get suspicious and try even harder to find things out. Plus they will probably be mad at me.

Or in a job interview. Telling the truth is really bad. They absolutely do not want to know the truth. The truth does not get one hired. And they certainly aren't going to be telling the truth, either. I found this out the hard way:

"Would you enjoy working in sales?" "No."
"Did you like your last job?" "No, my boss was a horrible person."
"Why do you want to work here?" "Because I need the money."

Obviously, those sort of answers do not go over too well. I failed quite a few interviews.

Or lying to spare someone's feelings. If the truth is not going to help the person, or make things better, and may actually make things worse, then it's better to try to either avoid saying anything directly, or to lie. I don't usually do this, but sometimes I have to.

To me white lies are ethical and necessary lies. I try to always be as ethical as possible. I'm not perfect, but I try to be the best that I can be.
I get the concept, That's actually not the problem. It's the application. When someone lies to me to cover their butt and it just flies in the face of reason and I've proven it was a lie, why the constant need to continue?

And, if the white lie is preventing me from getting something done, it ain't so needed. It is just someone not wanting to be responsible. It is actually a hindrance. So something small to one person can be big to another.

If someone has been in my space and moved things and I can't find it, then the need to tell that little lie is preventing me from accomplishing something. So, it may not be just such a small thing.

And it isn't about what they want or need to do. It's about my ability to navigate it.


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04 Feb 2016, 7:38 am

B19 wrote:
"Behaviour technicians" joining WP in the guise of 'being interested in how you parent your autistic child' - we had one today in GAD - the stupidity and cupidity of the idea that autism is 'just a set of behaviours' done by autistic people and can or should be fixed by doing certain behaviours to them is grossly offensive to me and the rudest of all NT behaviours on a forum level here - the very assumption is insulting and coming here to recruit business in sly ways really annoys me.

Today's example is this thread and accompanying profile:
viewtopic.php?t=305403



NT judge AS upon behaviour, because it is what they see, and reverse.
A human being is not a behaviour, the behaviour is a superficial visible part.

The funny thing is that AS eventually believe that they ARE this behaviour commented by NTs, and reverse.
There should be more effort to understand the fundamental difference in the way of thinking and functioning, but this requires a effort of modesty and listening from both parts.



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04 Feb 2016, 9:52 am

I don't like it when NTs assume I need help with something purely because I am Autistic. Autism is not a handicap people, do not pity me!


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04 Feb 2016, 4:40 pm

Not sure if I would call this rude or just really annoying:

NTs that ask for your opinion or thoughts on something and then get mad if they don't like the answer. I call them "third rail" questions because there's no way you can touch them without getting hurt.

- Do these pants make me look fat?
- What are you thinking/feeling about this?
- What do you think about our [logo, marketing plan, change in policy, etc.]?

The other thing is when NTs don't follow the same rules of etiquette that they require of me. I've been told by managers not to interrupt but then they interrupt me all the time, or don't stop talking long enough to allow anyone else to talk. I've been told how important it is to return someone's phone call or email as soon as possible, and to keep my promises, but then my managers or clients don't do the same to me. It's really frustrating because it can delay me in getting work done.

It's really rude when they promise to get you something (like the text for a website) by a certain time, and are then late by days or weeks, with no explanation, no reply to emails and phone calls, but expect my due date to still be the same.


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05 Feb 2016, 12:51 am

I find tin rattlers / street fundraisers extremely rude but I don't think that's because I'm autistic, as many people find this rude. They stand often in places you can't avoid them (both sides of busy streets, outside train stations, etc) and try to flag you down by the "Hi! How are you going?" They get in your face / in your way and make it you who is rude if you don't stop and talk to them when you might have somewhere else to be. Plus you know they just want money for some charity cause. I have extreme trouble keeping jobs, and thus, I don't have money. I am forced to tell them no, I can't afford that. Then they try to wheedle me "but it could be as little as $2 a day," and I repeat that sometimes, I literally do not have $2. It's humiliating, and is part of this attitude that if you don't have money, you're useless / pointless / worthless.
I will literally cross streets, walk back through train terminals, shortcut across parking lots, to avoid these people accosting me.


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05 Feb 2016, 7:17 am

I hope you don't mean my reply to AJ when I explained more about the store situation. Because all of that is true and not a justification of anything. The price was on the side and I when I later saw that I was even more pissed off about having been rushed up upon and practically shoved from the front of the box.

I'd like to see that store clerk do the same thing again but this time to someone with even more severe reactions than mine, who will scream bloody murder from the shock and cause a scene. He's lucky I didn't, I was already in a very bad place inwardly.

zkydz wrote:
AJisHere wrote:
I did think of one thing that seems pretty firmly NT. I call it "doubling down on stupid".

This is when someone makes a mistake or gets caught in an obvious lie (not the white lies we're talking about, but actually bad ones), and rather than owning it they become upset that they're being called on their behavior and come up with really ham-fisted or half-assed excuses that make it painfully obvious what they're trying to do. It's a waste of everyone's time, given that the end result is everyone thinking even less of them than they would have if they just took responsibility....
Kinda reminds me of the current trend of the one sentence 'apology' and then three paragraphs of them justifying their original position anyway.


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On the other hand, friends will never need an explanation, and enemies bent on disliking me will never accept one.

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