Autistic teen refuses to do schoolwork over aide?

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I have a cousin who was slighly physically frail in childhood, like prone to infections but no serious illness and as active as any other child. His mother decided for him that because of his earlier history of poor health that he and his immune system had outgrown by his teenage years, that he shouldn't go to college, as the stress would badly impact his health and cause him to die. This is a woman who had all kinds of superstitions. So inspite of being really smart and always being top of the class in school, he actually listened to her and didn't fight to go to college. He has a nice, mellow personality and never sticks out in any situation. At the time, I thought there was no effing way I would let anyone stop me from going to college. I lost all respect for my aunt of course and never have respected her since.

btbnnyr, I have a hard time believing that. She is behaving in a way that is contradictory to her goal. You strike me as being far too rational to continue along that path once you realized that's what you were doing.

She needs help to learn how to advocate for herself in a constructive way. I think we all can understand how she got here. I think most of us agree that she should be allowed to try not having her aide. The question is, considering they did not allow her that option when she first requested it (which is what I--personally--think they should have done based on what I know if the situation), how does she get to that end? By violence and self-sabotaging? I would not want my kid to learn that how you get what you want is through a system of escalated threats and actions.

To the OP...could you implement a little of this at home, regardless of what happens at school? Could you work with her to set up a system in which she can get some of her home-based privileges back by at least doing her homework? She is diminishing her future opportunities by denying herself her education. That will never "punish" the school, and they probably don't care. It only punishes her.

I would be embarrassed if someone followed me around. At this point the aide probably serves no purpose other than making her stand out. You should have removed the aide when she first asked you to. The school is not going to remove the aide if you tell she was nagging you. Set up a meeting, and insist YOU want the aide removed. She is asking to be independent, let her. She should also be involved in decisions regarding her IEP and what services she receives, which is probably not the case right now.

You said she was given the aide due to bullying that happened in elementary school. I'm sure she's matured since that time and would respond differently to bullying now. We all mature as we get older. Even if she needed the aide before, she may not need it anymore.

But also learn how to communicate with your daughter at therapy.

Last edited by gretta351 on 06 Feb 2016, 9:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How can this girl learn to advocate for herself constructively when she is treated as a baby who must be watched all the time?
It seems contrary to what how she has been raised by parents and educated by school.
Advocating for yourself constructively is much easier said than done, and I don't think that autistic 16-year-olds would have great skills in this area at this time in their lives, so it doesn't surprise me that she resorts to violence in her trapped, unsupported situation.
I would do what she would do if I had no choice, what I would do might be smarter and more actively evil when I was 16 years old.
Thankfully, I had parents who listened to me and considered what I wanted in addition to what they or someone else thought was good for me.

If it were me, I would tell her I realize taking all these things away has not helped her and think that probably I should not have and I regret doing this (to role model taking responsibility and changing behavior) and I would tell her in order to help her get rid of the aide, I can do this, can help and will try, but can only help if she listens to me and tries doing what I suggest and that i respect her and respect her wishes and will support her in this but it will only be possible for me to be effective in helping her get what she wants if she does certain things and doesn't do certain things and if she wants my help I would explain what she needs to do then; but only after acknowledging what I can do differently at home for her in terms of giving things back to her instead of making her earn them or punishing them. I would not give back anything I felt she would abuse, of course. I'm not saying I'm right or this would work, just what I think I would do in this situation.

I agree with Inthistogether and do not think you would have been in this situation. I think you'd have done what was necessary early on to avoid having an aide and it wouldn't have gotten to this point.

Schools don't want to give a 1:1 aide and try very hard not to. And this young woman had many choices for resisting without becoming so violent. She could turn her back on the aide, she could ignore the aide she could make friends with the aide she could say to the aide that she would like more space or say to her family, a teacher or a counselor what she wants.

She isn't being assaulted she is not defending herself she is targeting adults because she is angry and IMO targeting others for violence out of anger and not in self defense is wrong. She is not a victim and is simply choosing to see herself this way to justify hurting other people.

How do you know these things about her thinking that you posted above?
They make no sense to me, because this situation has continued for so long with so many consequences for the girl that it seems crazy for her to keep seeing herself as a victim to justify hurting other people.
I think she just really wants to be rid of the aide following her around all the time.
I don't think turning her back on the aide works for her, as she doesn't want the aide around her at all, not only that she doesn't want to interact with aide.
She said clearly that she is not ret*d and doesn't need a babysitter.
At some point, a person has to stand up for themselves against everyone if needed.

I don't think that making the OP's child earn the removal of the aide is the best way to go about this. If she had never shown any indication that she could be trusted to be responsible for her own behavior and academics, then earning removal of the aide would make perfect sense; But as it is, she already had 2 years (9th and 10th grade) of good academic performance and good behavior behind her -- so it sounds like maybe she already earned the chance and has effectively been taught that good behavior/academic achievement means nothing and people can just keep her from being independent and autonomous for no reason....if this is the case, I am doubtful that trying to make her earn her independence with good behavior and attending to schoolwork will do anything except maybe confuse and infuriate her. It may seem to her like you're just screwing with her, because she's already proven herself before and it didn't matter then. (She may not believe that you will actually grant her independence from the aide if she behaves well and does her schoolwork, because you didn't before. She may think she shouldn't have to prove herself again. She may simply think it's unacceptable that the requirements for earning independence seem to change with the whims of the adults around her, and refuse to play by such unfair rules......You can't go back and change the past, but you can't pretend it never happened either -- you have to take it into account going forward; The adults involved here should be accountable for their wrong actions as much as the child should be accountable for hers.)

I think it would be much better to have an aide-free trial period with conditions/some sort of contract. Or to try for a compromise, but make it a clear goal that she be able to go to school without an aide.

Kids can call IEP meetings for themselves? If so, that's awesome! But you can't assume that this particular kid is aware of her right to do so.



It may not be about punishing anyone. It may be about leverage. Adult workers don't go on strike to punish their employers (well, maybe they do, I don't know -- but there's more to it than that). She may simply be "on strike" from school because her working conditions (having an aide) are unacceptable to her, in the same way that adults in the workforce may go on strike for the same reason.



When did she have that opportunity to problem-solve? With the psychotherapist? Do we know that she actually understood it to be such an opportunity (as opposed to maybe seeing it as her parents trying to get the therapist to "fix" her, or otherwise make her agree to having an aide)?

It sounds like she was trying to advocate for herself in a constructive way for a long time before becoming violent: She said she didn't want an aide and asked for the aide to be removed, repeatedly; She specifically asked her parent to write a letter to the school to remove the aide; She responded to questions about why she doesn't want an aide -- it may be that she literally cannot explain her reasons with anything except "I'm not ret*d/I don't need a babysitter" or simply doesn't know what OP wants to know beyond that (and did anybody even tell her why she couldn't go to school without an aide? I would find it impossible to know what to say or do to convince people I didn't need to have an aide if I didn't even know why they thought I needed one in the first place).



She already has told her family what she wants, repeatedly, starting last year, and was told not to talk about it anymore (quoting OP: "Some 2 months ago I told her not to talk to me about removing the aide.") It sounds like she has also told adults at school (because the OP asked school staff why they wouldn't listen to her -- that implies that she tells school staff what she wants).

She has also tried non-violent protest, by refusing to do her work until the aide is gone.

I'm not saying that her violent behavior is appropriate (because it isn't), but I think that her attempts to advocate for herself in non-violent ways should be recognized.

Last edited by animalcrackers on 06 Feb 2016, 10:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My son is suspected to have a low IQ ("ret*d", if you will) and he does not have a 1:1 aide at school, although I advocated fiercely for one. I was told at the IEP that he does not "qualify" for an aide as he is not aggressive and considered a risk / threat to himself or to others.

If this girl is aggressive to the aide, then that gives the school an excuse to force one on her. I have no other opinion on this thread as my son is not HFA, but I just wanted to pointed that not all "ret*d" individuals need a "babysitter", as asserted in the comment above.

Last edited by HisMom on 06 Feb 2016, 11:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think that this is usually true, but there are some situations where they find it easier to just add an aide to a situation because it is the easiest thing to do, specifically in situations where a child is being repeatedly bullied. I don't know how the law varies from state to state, but in New York, for example, the school is required to act in specific ways to complaints of being bullied. If the kid who is being bullied already has an IEP, the Committee for Special Education is required by law to reconvene and amend the child's IEP to add measures to protect the child from being bullied. The team sometimes (depending on the child's disability) finds adding an aide for the bullied child easier than dealing with the bullies and their families, coming up with anti bullying strategies, or giving the child extra services to address social vulnerability. It is a quick band aid. This is what the team tried to do in my son's case when he was being bullied. In his case, because he is on the spectrum, a lot of the bullying stemmed from the fact that he was misreading social situations, stimming or becoming overwhelmed. In other words, he was being bullied because of his disability. Instead of agreeing to move my child to a safer school setting where he could get direct support for his ASD, they thought it was cheaper and easier to give him an aide, even though both I and all of his teachers/ service providers knew that an aide would backfire and cause my child regression as my child feels very strongly about being independent and having space. In my opinion, it was the bullies who needed aides, as they were the ones who needed to be more closely monitored. An aide would also have hindered my child's social growth. Since one aide is cheaper than adding aides for the bullies, they wanted my kid to have an aide. I also have a friend whose kid has trouble regulating his emotions and cries a lot in class. Where I believe it would make more sense to offer this child specific therapy to help him learn to regulate, they gave him an aide so that his crying would not disrupt the class. This would be good if they also provided therapy, so that he could learn and grow, but it was easier to just give him an aide. On the other hand, I have another child who had an aide because he had medical issues and major executive functioning issues, but I had to fight tooth and nail for it.

So, I can see how this kid feels that she's the one being punished for what other kids were doing to her, rather than the bullies being held accountable. And, I can see why she feels so angry about it. Although my kid is younger, I can see him reacting the same way, and can see how the school would then say his behavior showed he needed the aide. I also think that since schools are supposed to be providing the least restrictive environment for a child, it would make sense to remove the aide, at least temporarily, if the child feels ready and the mother requests removal in writing. I don't have faith that the school is only acting in the interest of this kid.

I did not say that ret*d means needing a babysitter in all cases.
There is no such assertion in my comment.
I only quoted what the girl said about her not being ret*d and not needing a babysitter.
I read it as not being ret*d (phrase 1) and not needing a babysitter (phrase 2), not as ret*d => needing a babysitter, which is what you made up, but I didn't say.
Nothing to do with anyone else like your son.

Maybe so. However, I still think that *the girl* should understand why maybe an aide is being forced on her ? It appears to me that she believes that she is being treated "as a ret*d" (which is a hurtful term, BTW), by having an aide thrust on her. What she needs to understand, however, is that - and very, very generally speaking - most public schools only assign 1:1 aide to children and teenagers who exhibit specific behaviours. This has NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING to do with their intelligence, but everything to do with their behaviours, usually aggressive or self-injurious behaviours.

I do think that all individuals - and especially individuals on the spectrum - should be able to advocate for themselves. So, if the girl is not feeling heard and feeling frustrated by having a shadow thrust on her at all times, then she should approach the situation another way. Hitting the aide will not help her case, even when she is being provoked into doing so. Acts of aggression on the teenager's part - even if she was being goaded into such behaviours due to the presence of an intrusive aide - solely works against her, as they give the school the excuse they need to force that aide on her. That is my opinion.

There is the problem. The aide was following her around ALL DAY. I mean good god that is just irritating for anybody. What they should've done was have the aide in her own office and other things to do while your daughter goes out and takes care of her business. Have your daughter schedule meetings with the aide once a week for an hour or two. That should be sufficient.

Would it be possible to move to a different school? The current school will wait for her to age out or drop out and are unlikely to change their minds. There might be lots of meetings in the mean time, but its pretty obvious they're just managing a situation now until its no longer their problem.
I also think the aggression has marked her card with her teachers and the other students. There will be no happy resolution at this school.

I don't think you understand how 1:1 aides work. What you are describing might usually be callled a guidance counselor. A 1:1 aide is a person who is specifically assigned to an individual with an IEP to remedy some kind of issue. Sometimes it is because the person is/can be violent. Sometimes it is because the person needs redirection so as not to be disruptive to the whole class. Sometimes it can be to help with motor tasks (not usually in ASD). In this case, it seems that the aide was initially given to this girl to protect her from bullying. The aide could not have protected her from bullying if she was sitting in an office somewhere doing something else. The aide had to be with the girl to immediately intervene.

My daughter had a 1:1 when she was young, not due to violence, bullying, or academics. It was because she had great difficulty in unfamiliar environments. She did not understand how to interact with other kids. She would have not understood to listen to the teacher. She wandered from the classroom. She needed frequent prompting and to have situations broken down and explained to her. She had this for 2 years. After 2 years she no longer needed it because she understood "school" and what she was supposed to do in "school."

Aides are usually very hard to get, and most often taken away before the child is really ready. It does make me suspect there may be more to this situation than we are discussing, because most school districts will not shell out money for no reason

InThisTogether,

I'm not saying that this is definitely the reason the OP's kid got an aide, or that there is not more to the story, but look at my post on the previous page of this thread about why they gave my younger son an aide. Although, he never actually used the aide because we switched schools.