friends and a teen son...what do you do?

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slight vent

For the last few years I have spent numerous days/hours looking for friends for my son. We homeschool, which of course makes things a bit more difficult, yet the friends he's had who are not homeschooled, don't really have friends at school anyway. I have put ads online to meet parents, I have talked to people who have kids on the spectrum, etc. MANY which complain also that their kids have no friends to hang out with or talk to either. I have parties at our place, invite both teens and parents, etc. and we pay for everything. When it's party time, EVERYONE shows up, however, when it's NOT party time, it is ALWAYS me who is trying to get our kids together. Our son will text one of the kids or we will call the parents to hang out at a restaurant, go to the movies, etc. whatever it takes. Many times WE take the kids ourselves and give the parents a break too. However, after ALL of this, I am honestly starting to hate people, which of course is NOT want I want to teach my son, but I continue to notice how incredibly selfish most parents and kids are. I say parents because they are ALSO constantly complaining that their kids have no friends, yet they can't be bothered to teach their kids to keep in touch with their friends, they can't be bothered to ask my son out, etc...yet, again, if it's a party we have, they are first in line. I honestly don't know what else to do. It is VERY hard for our kids to make friends and I think it is our JOB as parents to help them out, but at this point, I am ready to tell most people to take a hike.

What do you do to help your kids have friends?

Is there a homeschool group with regular meetings?
Or some club your son could join?
Or social media to go out with friends?
School really is the best place to make friends, because you are forced to go there and automatically see the friends there.

Friendship is hard. There could be any number of things going on, especially with people on the spectrum. The parents could be encouraging the kids to go the parties, but the kids find one-on-one friend interaction too intense, or they just are not into it. Or the kids go to the parties, because they like parties, but are not into one-on-one with your son.

We had kind of the opposite situation while we in public school, where we would get part invites, but no one wanted to do on-on-ones. The parties were mostly all in kid party places that were way too intense. We did not do those. We only did the ones that were in people's homes were we were welcome to go and supervise him and make sure he didn't have problems. Now, this was at the age where parental involvement was more OK.

Now that we homeschool, I have given up on trying to arrange any of these things. My son, honestly, is not interested or capable of maintaining a friendship appropriately. I take him to things where he can meet kids, but beyond that I don't push. Occasionally he strikes up a conversation, but more often than not (99% of the time) there is a mutual lack of interest b/c they think my son is weird and he thinks they like stupid things.

I am assuming that your son wants friendships, which is much more heartbreaking to deal with. I don't know if the kids you are trying to arrange playdates with are in that same camp, but they and their parents are too inept to manage it. (The parents could be on the spectrum, too); Or if they really are just not interested or able to manage friendships.

In my experience its quite unusual for parents to be involved in their child's friendships.
Usually the kid makes friends at school and that's it, no effort or intervention involved.
Maybe this is how the other parents feel, they may see you as someone who like taking all the kids out,
So they think "OK if she likes to give me a break once in a while I'm not complaining"

Could you state your intentions a bit clearer to the other parents?

Also do you ask your kids if they would like to see another particular kid again in a smaller group or one on one?

Does your teen complain about not having friends, being bored, being lonely, etc? Supporting him to get a better sense of identifying his needs in terms of relationships is a gradual and complex task, but it's important both for the long term (when he's out on his own) and the short term (what he does with his time).

Often people on the spectrum are task-oriented and have special interests, and their friendships involve spending short amounts of time with people who share an activity or interest. Just like introverts, they may find long periods of unstructured time difficult, and their peers may jump from one activity to another or just hang around doing nothing.

Are there structured activities your teen might be interested in? Sometimes public libraries have book clubs for teens, Michaels' stores have craft classes, science centres have Saturday activities, universities have night school classes on astronomy, galleries have art classes... whatever he is interested in, there is probably something he can do.
I wouldn't be too concerned with how solid or loyal his acquaintances are unless he seems to be really hurt by their opportunism. Most teens (and lots of neurotypical people of all ages) tend to show up when they feel like it and not bother at other times. On the other hand, I wouldn't be too worried about always planning fun things for others. Do what your son and you like to do, invite others or just enjoy it yourself.

BTW, I think homeschooling is much better for kids on the spectrum than the alternative, unless your teen is clearly happier going to school. 80% of the challenges my teen dd on the spectrum has our school related, but she doesn't want to stay home (except every morning LOL).

...Or forced to automatically be bullied...
I think you could take your son to do any sport or activity he likes, and he'll probably make friends there, as they share the same interests and will have conversation topics.

You can't make friends on your son's behalf.

It isn't your job to find friends for your son (and effectively bribing other kids/parents to spend time with him by throwing parties or providing free babysitting services ain't the way to go about it).

Does your son complain about having no friends? If he's not complaining, you're trying to get him something (friends) he clearly doesn't give a damn about.

Have you considered sending him to school instead of homeschooling? Kids mostly make friends by spending time with others.

If your kid complains of no friends, why not sign him up for a social skills group and/or structured activity that will throw him into contact with kids who share his interest? Eg swimming, mine craft modding, target shooting, drawing, whatever.

It's ultimately up to your kid to do the work to make friends (if he actually wants any).