Am I Lazy?

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I just registered for this site to post this topic and get some advice (affirmation).

So, my story:
I'm 22 now, I was diagnosed in 2013 not long after I dropped out of high school. Since before elementary school, my life has been full of joining things like sports or scouts or whatever and eventually leaving without notice due to massive anxiety. The same day I decided to drop out of high school, I got hired at a coffee shop, which was my dream job since 12y/o. Within 2 months I was given the combination to the safe and promised a promotion (which I finally got officially with a whopping .75 raise 6 months later). However, after 8-9 months of working there, often at almost 40 hours a week, I began to decompensate hard (symptoms become worse) especially in terms of my anxiety. Eventually, I woke up before work and ended up lying curled up on the floor crying and not able to make myself show up.

So I start college with a GED, barely passing just as I did in high school and showing up to class about 60% of the time. That did okay for me, but I dropped a few classes due to the professor forcing group work or too much homework. Then, the coffee shop rehires me for about 2 months before I get a job at Starbucks. Yay, right? Only after about 2 months there the same exact thing happens, I turned off my phone and couldn't leave my bedroom.


Anyway, both of those times I would literally have rather been homeless than be forced to keep working there. But I am full to the brim with self-shame, and my question to this forum is: am I just lazy, or do I have a real disability? My father blames his parenting (how does that make me feel?) and my sister denies that I even have ASD; those are the two people I live with (leech off of). I applied for SSDI once without telling anyone and I got denied, but I never appealed which is apparently almost required to actually get approved. Feel free to answer the former (lazy), all responses are appreciated.

It sounds like you actually like the job, you just don't like the anxiety.

Could you go on medication?

(I usually recommend people get off drugs though, but you seem to get anxious for no reason)


Did you not like the extra homework because it was stressful?

Thanks for the reply. I've never been to a psychiatrist or anyone who can prescribe drugs for the purpose of ASD. Due to my family essentially dismissing my diagnosis altogether, I find it extremely difficult to talk to them about how I feel. Like if I told them I don't think I can work they would flip out.

I am not 100% in touch with how I feel, but I believe it's not anxiety causing my issues, it's stress. It feels like tension building up in my head. I always compare it to taking a written exam for hours in a sitting. Over time, I get more easily distracted and I just feel like my head is going to explode (not a headache, but pressure).

However, I have considered a comorbid anxiety disorder or even depression despite feeling mostly happy. Plus, I do pretty much all the housework around here so I'm not in bed all day depressed.
On the other hand, I've been so irrational as to think "if the medication works, I might have to start working and I can't handle that," I'm am just so, so terrified of being in that environment for a long period of time again.

Do you accept that it's an irrational fear?
Nothing bad actually happens at the workplace right?

So if you were on medicine you wouldn't have a reason to be scared

If you simply tell a doctor everything you've said here he will help you out

I should go to a therapist again, though the last one literally just said I was "thinking too much" which is another way of saying "anxiety" which was dismissive and unhelpful and unprofessional for a psychologist.
But I question the "irrational fear" thing for the reasons I mentioned in the last reply. If it's not anxiety, but "stress", or "test fatigue", caused by sensory overload or having to think through social situations etc., then my fear is not irrational because I'll most likely feel that way again. Plus in that case, fear of trying wouldn't be the source of the problem.

This was literally my college life in a nut-shell. I thought it was all my personal failing as a human being and that I was a terrible person and lazy and ... basically just s**t.
HOWEVER- after much thinking and moving to different states and countries and blowing my savings moving away from my unsupportive family, I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply my autistic self in interesting ways and need to come to terms with and better understand myself. And THAT way of thinking is much more productive than "I'm just a lazy asshole- aw shucks".
So, I would assume it might be the same for you.
I don't truly know though. I think it will take some introspection and thought on your side though.
I would suggest help with the anxiety though, anxiety shouldn't be so crippling as to rob you of your own agency. Anxiety and emotions are supposed to be instructive not destructive.

Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I think about these things every day, it's just impossible to compare myself to others because I can only be inside my own head. I'm pretty positive most of the time, though unemployed. I'm mostly just worried about my future.

So where are you now, if you don't mind sharing?
Edit: sorry; to clarify my question, are you officially employed at this point? If not, what is your living situation, and are you taking anxiety medication?

No, you are not lazy.
It seems that you have a serious anxiety problem that you don't know how to deal with on your own to reduce anxiety and continue in school/work.
Are you able to get any therapy for dealing with anxiety?
A therapist can teach you methods to reduce anxiety, so it doesn't build up over a few months and force you out of things you want to do.

Yeah I guess the key is that I need to see a good therapist, not just any. I would love to learn techniques to feel better in the moment. That would help a lot with holidays and family birthday parties if nothing else.
3 years now after diagnosis, and 22 years of age, I still haven't had any intervention.
I suppose I should just keep living the way I am now until my father gets fed up with me, then try to get his help with either treatment or seriously applying for disability.