Visiting Father In-Law

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*sigh*
You're emotional state is similar to what I've experienced.
I know EXACTLY what you mean about the ideation, the disassociation/depersonalization (sounds scary but honestly one of my best coping mechanisms- works for me) I get the anxiety and such. It's both not stable and not fun.
Having said all of that... it isn't the best of places to be. I would suggest taking steps to ameliorate the fact that you have to drive your wife (who sounds very caring and lovely btw). Also do you know why you feel this way/what it stems from? Are you working on ways to help with that? Are you seeing a psychiatrist or anything?

Also, It's really important not to commit suicide and stop yourself from getting to the point where you attemp it: it's a permanent solution to a temporary issue (although with AS the issue doesn't seem so temporary- but if you get the right support and help it is). Plus, your family and everyone around you would be devastated by your loss.

I would really really recommend saving up so that you don't have to put yourself through that.

Also,Don't trigger yourself. Respect your boundaries and limitations everyone is different and they are there for a reason. It's important to respect them as a part of respecting yourself. If it is too much to visit then that's okay- your family needs and would rather have you healthy than pushing yourself too hard.

It is good that your wife wants you to be comfortable, but it seems that having this level of anxiety about visiting your father in law or people in general is not a good state to be in. Did you have some therapy for this high anxiety?

Definitely... My wife does not get along well with my Mom, because my Mom is always convinced that anybody important to me is influencing me to do things that are bad for me, or controlling me, or abusing me in some way. My wife will tell Mom off if she feels bullied, and she really just doesn't want to put up with the abuse and stress. She's said she doesn't want to come along on these visits because it's not pleasant for anyone, and I don't blame her. In our case, Mom doesn't travel much because of her health, so I always go to see her, and my wife stays at home.

I think you are doing the right thing to take care of yourself. I get the sense that there are bigger issues, either some conflict with your father-in-law, or just difficulty in traveling or socializing with others. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress--are you still getting any counseling?

As for the travel arrangements, if your wife wants to travel to her Dad, could she rent a car for the week? Most car rentals come with their own temporary insurance policy (remember to ask for it!), or at least they do in the US. All she needs is a valid driver's license. If not, there's bus or train, although that's not very convenient.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, everyone.

I've had cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) before, which was 13 sessions discussing everything and anything. I've also been on/off with the community mental health team (CMHT) over the last few years mainly regarding depression. A couple times I had an assigned community psychiatric nurse (CPN) who would visit me daily, then overtime it became weekly, then nothing until I was stable. I've always had the crisis team who I can call.

All of this was before I knew I was Autistic, so things would be different now if I went back to them. The trouble with living in the UK, is that although our National Health Service (NHS) is free, it's also under heavy cut-backs. So unless you're really bad and in desperate need of help, you're better off not bothering with them. I don't like to be a burden to anyone or anything, and would rather suffer in silence, alone.

I have been to my doctor regarding my anxiety, and he doubled my Mirtazapine dose - it's a antidepressant with sedative side affect for sleeping. I take them at night as it's the only way I'll sleep, or I'll be up all night remembering stupid stuff I said years ago, or fretting about up-coming stuff. That's the only medication I take, I'm on nothing for the anxiety.

My doctor wanted me to go back a month later to follow up, but I haven't been. I didn't like his attitude, he didn't listen to me and I felt like I was wasting his time.

Overarchy,

Cutbacks notwithstanding, the Autism Act 2009 means there are services in place that could potentially help you. Maybe give NAS a call? They do advocacy and have a helpline too.

No doubt you know everything I've mentioned here but, rather importantly, you haven't spoken to a professional since your diagnosis. Maybe it's worth speaking to them cos things may have opened up to you, that you were previously unaware of?

(: