How to approach parents when you're an adult

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Drkshadow76
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02 Mar 2016, 3:02 pm

So... I believe I'm on the spectrum.
I've dedicated hours to reading and research and tests.
I plan to see my doctor for a formal dx.
I'm an adult that just turned 40. It feels late in the game for this conversation...

but how do I approach my Mom about this and find out if

a) she knew all along but I was "normal enough"
b) She had her suspicions but didn't per sue it
c) This is news to her, too. WTF.

She might have clues or other important information. I just want to jump right in and start firebombing questions, but I know that if it's (c) it'll go very badly.

Any suggestions?

DS.


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GodzillaWoman
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02 Mar 2016, 3:38 pm

Boy, I agonized over this one for weeks. I have an "okay" relationship with my mom. It was pretty rough 10 years ago, with some ugly things said on both sides, but we've improved a lot since. I think it depends a lot on how your relationship is with her generally. I was 49 when I got my diagnosis. Mom's in her 80s.

I would not start with questions. I was pretty sure that I would get too nervous and become completely flustered if I told her in person or on the phone, so I wrote her a long email. I showed it to my wife and therapist before I sent it, to see what they thought.

I waited until I got the official diagnosis before I told her, mainly because she is college-educated and I knew she would be more likely to believe it if another college-educated person declared me autistic. She had taken me to a psychologist for evaluation when I was 8, but the best he could come up with was, I'm strange because of my IQ. :?

I wrote a short explanation of how I came to think I was autistic, how I was diagnosed, and what the characteristics were. I emphasized that it was not her fault that I was not diagnosed sooner--it just wasn't known about when I was young. I figured anything accusatory would make her defensive--the emphasis was on where I am at NOW and what I plan to do about it. She was definitely (c) News to Her, Too WTF, but once she read the letter and looked at some of the web sites I sent her, she agreed that this was definitely the right diagnosis.

She's been really swell and supportive, although she's not been really great about remembering what odd things I did as a girl. I don't know if she feels she should have tried harder to get me diagnosed, or if she just has blocked out the memories of the more negative parts of her past. It was a really rough time for her, as my Dad was being horrible, her job was horrible, and I was a very angry little rage monster.

You may also get questions answered by other relatives or family friends, too. I remembered that I had a cousin that everyone called "different," and asked about her. My dad was estranged from his family, so I knew little about my dad's brother and sister. Turns out that the different cousin is diagnosed classic autism, her brother has an Asperger son, and another cousin is Asperger as well. And they all thought my dad and grandpa were Asperger, and I agree. So I've been finding out all kinds of interesting things.


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Trogluddite
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02 Mar 2016, 3:44 pm

Hi there,

I got my DX just a few weeks ago, age 45; and even people in their 70s and 80s get diagnosed sometimes - so it's never too late to set the ball rolling.

Given your age, my guess would be that (c) is most likely. Until the late-1970's/early-1980's when Hans Asperger's research was rediscovered, a diagnosis of autism was usually only given for people with obvious and significant impairments - for example, being non-verbal or intellectual impairments. Even then, it took quite a while for the new thinking to spread to specialists in the field, let alone the general public.

However, you're right that your parents may have noticed things that are pertinent to getting a DX now. Most evaluation teams prefer to have input from someone close to you in childhood where possible, though it still should be possible to diagnose without this.

How you approach your parents about this, if you decide to, is a much tougher question - it depends so much on your family history, the closeness of your relationships, and their attitude to people with mental differences. In my case, it was easy because my Mum, who I've always been close to, already knew about my history of unexplained crashes into depression. In fact, since my diagnosis, I have discovered that we have many traits in common, as do other family members.

If you are going to speak to them about it, I would first emphasise that what you are talking about is a life-long genetic part of you, and that a diagnosis doesn't change who you are - you're not being diagnosed for a newly acquired illness that popped out of nowhere, and it isn't something that will deteriorate. I'd also make it clear that autism is in no way dependent on the quality of their parenting. This is very important, as in previous generations it was mistakenly thought that autism was caused by a lack of bonding between parents and child - this is emphatically NOT the case!


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Drkshadow76
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02 Mar 2016, 11:26 pm

Thanks for your advice guys.
It was very helpful. I decided to go through with it.
She surprised me. It wasn't what I expected at all.
It was an interesting conversation with a bit of introspection on both our parts I think. She was somewhat careful with her answers, but at the same time acknowledged it was possible.

This is what I gleaned, if you're interested.

"You went off the handle easily and lost it" when you shouldn't have.

"You were fanatical about your computer. You'd be dripping in sweat, I'd tell you to get outside and play. " You'd scream at me that you're fine, I'd tell you to get outside, and you'd scream that you didn't have to go outside and you'd call the police on me."

"You were very anti-social, but so was I. I didn't think much of it. "

"Your emotional reactions are not what I'd consider to be average. "

"As a baby you had colic. It was very, very bad. You'd scream for hours. I didn't sleep for almost a year. " (And she almost didn't have more children because of it)

"OCD? Well, yes. You'd always have to check the stove was off and the doors were locked a few times. But it's not like you spent your day in an endless circle doing it. "

"You didn't have any language delays or intellectual challenges. You were very smart. You breezed through school and I never had to help you with anything. Your grades were always outstanding. In high school your teachers felt you didn't apply yourself. They thought if you did, you could accomplish anything. They thought you were lazy." (Disinterested is how I'd put it).

"Be careful with self diagnosis. You can always find something wrong."

I'll be going to my doctor I think for a professional take on things. :lol:

DS.


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Aspie score: 177 of 200. NT score: 48 of 200.