The Right Thing

Post Reply New Topic

Hi

I have been in a relationship with someone with suspected Aspergers. We fell in love quite slowly and in a way I tried to resist it because we just seemed so different. I wasn't in the best place and his steady, practical manner and warmth and kindness really broke through. We were both studying on a technical course and there was a big age gap. My life became very difficult and he was a very practical angel, helping me get through it all

I suspected he might be on the spectrum from the beginning as he is highly focused on practical tasks, didn't pick up on social cues easily, was quite reclusive and had minimal friends (probably none right now). He can't seem to cope with more than one friend at a time. When I'm his girlfriend that's it I think he struggles with relationship dynamics and is pretty much very very dedicated (at times this feels suffocating and isolating to me though) plus he's always down about not having friends when I'm hugely social and gregarious (but do need social support from a partner).

Trouble is in the relationship he seems more dedicated to other areas of his life and can't seem to consider me in the decisions he makes. I've really really helped him a lot and have broached diagnosis with him. He hates this idea but I think even if he begins using forums, helplines and perhaps a counsellor things could improve for him.

We broke up as my life got even more stressful and couldn't give clear instructions Needed love and comfort which he couldn't deliver and he went into a monumental meltdown at the time I needed him most.

I have spent hours and hours learning about aspergers, he is still quite resistant though will read some paper work. He constantly complains of feeling alone but won't do the things I suggest to help, reading, doctors, cautious building of new friendships. It's really hard. He's so lovely and everyone likes him but he doesn't know how to connect. He had an isolated upbringing. I do not know for sure he has aspergers but the more I find out about it, the more his behaviour makes sense to me. It's really hard watching someone suffer and it pains me.

Right now I'm confused as to whether to move on or stick with it. I want children, he's younger, he's only just beginning his journey. There is a big love there but there are things in the relationship I find so so frustrating. Right now I'm trying to build myself up. I don't know if I want to walk away. I'm so confused.

Would love simulate experiences/advice.

Thanks

How much younger is he?

How does he feel about having kids? If he's dead set against it, I would just move on. Maybe he might warm up once he sees a bundle of joy...but maybe he might not.

Yours is the plight of many "neurotypical" women who seek to have a relationship with an Aspie. They expect flowers, Valentines, and for them to say the "right thing" and the "right time." These might or might not happen with an Aspie. Some could be taught the "social graces"; others are stubborn-willed, and only believe in things which have a tangible reason.

I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket, to quote the cliche.

10 year age gap. He does want kids and will consider this with me. It's more just the time frame and how slowly he needs to move.

He's o.k with hearts and flowers but can't always provide spontaneously at the right time. He can be spontaneous with flowers because he knows I like them and they make me happy. He really cares about making me happy. He just can't respond to emotional flux well.
He's hugely romantic in his way. Just not the usual emotional language.

He really cares about practicalities e.g. house, money, provision, being emotionally solid which is a good thing but he can't magic them out of thin air.
I don't mind being more of a provider but I'm well aware I can't do it all, especially with mothering.

I found how much I had to do in the relationship exhausting. He constantly does practical tasks and seems clear that this is a demonstration of his love whereas I need the reassurance and connection more.

I think he'd be a good Dad but life is full of ups and downs and its the downs that concern me. When I really need his support.

I really tried to not get involved because of the children issue but life and love took over really. I was aware it might not be forever when we got together. But then we really formed a deep bond. It was me who broke off the relationship.

Now we are both confused particularly over the children issue. He doesn't want me to miss out. I'd find it hard to move on as I love him so so much. I don't know if rushing someone into fatherhood particularly when they have extra sensitivity to deal with is a good idea.

But then throwing away the love of your life might not be either.

Thanks for your help.

Yeah this is an issue, even after being married 9 years I do not get. My wife has tried to teach me and it comes along slowly. But to me, NOT looking for the practical solution seems like doing nothing at all. When my wife explains what is expected in that situation, I'm often baffled because it seems so useless and illogical to me.

My point is that can be a VERY hard thing to comprehend, an even harder thing to implement.

If you are waiting for these things to change, and things like emotional stability and spontaneity are very important to you, you probably would be best to consider moving on for good.

That's a typical men vs women difference rather than Asperger related.

Yeah....I know it's a hard choice.

But if you want kids, the kids have to have a dad, too--not just a mom.

My father wasn't an absent father--but he wasn't really "present," either, in some respects.

As I grow older, I realize that any kid needs two parents with two perspectives.

He seems good on the practical things. I would be glad for that.

I understand you wish he were more spontaneously romantic; that's understandable.

He has to know that he has to be there for his kids, no matter what his mood is. That's very important.

Thanks.

This is really helpful. I have spoken to friends a lot but they don't have a good perspective on aspergers and are unrealistic about things that could normally change with time but essentially he can't change.

I guess its the hit and miss aspect I find most difficult. Sometimes things are just right and sometimes he's truly present and other times he's drifting or shut down.

I guess lots of us are like that at times but the emotional changes are really quite different from day to day. When he hits overwhelm it can be quite sudden and last a long time. I can't do or say anything to help him with that. He can't discuss or give me any clue as to whats wrong or going on in his internal world.

He worries himself he wouldn't be good at fathering. I think he would be loving but may well struggle with continuity or displays of extreme emotion.

I don't think his father was a good role model and was pretty much absent and inconsistent.

It could be that this is what the matter is rather than aspergers but there are many other aspects that make me suspect aspergers. Talking with professionals it does seem very likely he is more than averagely on the spectrum.

I think he does know himself but really confronting it is incredibly painful to him. I don't want to cause him pain but even if we just remain friends I would like to help him over come some of his sticking points.

He's so talented and able and at times is emotionally amazing, so understanding and has very little judgement.

Aspergers and Parenting

Does anyone have experience/views on this?
Children of Aspergers Parents?
Spouses?
Dads themselves?

I hope you get responses. I'm not a dad; but there are dads on this Site.

Having children with this guy does not seem like a good idea. Not because he may (or may not) have Asperger's, but because the relationship itself seems very rocky.

I too agree on this reply.