What should my first message be on a dating site?

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I'm currently on okcupid, but I always get nervous about sending a message to a girl. Usually they say not to message them if I have nothing interesting to say or if i just say "hey" or "hows it going" or "what ___ do you like?".

So to be honest, I don't know how to strike up a conversation that would have them be interested. I'm usually a boring person who only talks about what I like obsessively and I end up annoying someone without noticing. Has anyone had any successful first messages that led to a bigger conversation, and if so, what are your tips?

I think you should write something that shows that you have made an effort to read their profile, a particular interest that you genuinely share. There is no point in sending a generic message if you do not feel a genuine interest in the person you are messaging, you need to find a common point of interest.

And I think personally that you are going to hurt yourself on dating sites, because having that experience I can tell you that most girls on these sites are there just to receive compliments and build their ego, but do nothing in return. The chances of getting even a reply are almost none compared to a real world interaction and worst of all, the hardest part is to move any interaction to a real world.

This is of course just my personal opinion and experience, but I have been long enough on these sites to analyse the behaviour and compare it to what's normal and what is not. These sites are for highly social people, where standards and attitudes to you will be shaped by others' behaviour. And that makes it extremely difficult to get anyone interested in you. You will end up disappointed and depressed while feeding girls ego.

That's one. Two, research online to see that most of these sites make money by having thousands of fake accounts, with great profiles and pictures, just to bump up the stats and keep people signing up and paying. It is business.

I think you will quicker make interaction by just going out, even if you don't speak, the chances someone will speak to you are higher than on these sites. Just smile at people and watch their looks wander back at you

I met my boyfriend of almost a year on a free dating site - OKC!

For an opening message, I'd go with "How goes your Tuesday?" Or maybe a one-line reference to something in their profile, like, if they mention their fave city is Dublin and you've been there, you could write "My fave pub in Dublin is Solomon's in Rathmines. What's yours?".

Don't put too much effort into a first message and don't take it personally if lots of girls don't respond. You only need one and it's a numbers game.

I'm going to be lazy and summarize the above advice into something to take in steps.

1) Do make an effort to read the profile of the girl you like, and consider if they are a match (beyond looks, unless that's purely what you're after).

2) However, don't make too much of an effort in your opening message. Keep it short, and casual, and with a personal touch to show your interest in them as a person.

3) Dating is a numbers game, and if this doesn't work after a few tries consider offline dating, too. There are many ways to meet people without having to get too far out of your comfort zone, if out of that zone at all.

All in all, that's what I've gleamed from the thread and see good advice all round from the other users.
Whatever you want to put in your message is what you should put. I know that sounds vague and perhaps unhelpful....but you need to be yourself. Taking a script or letting others sculpt your potential communication leading to a relationship could spell doom in the long run.

Jack, you are very cynical in regards to dating websites. Many people have found success through them and they ease the discomfort of face to face introductions. Not everyone can go out and talk to people in a communicative way without building a level of comfort first.

Online dating allows people to build that level of comfort that they might not have otherwise.

They can work but you have to go in with a good attitude and a genuine interest in meeting people.

#1 tip: don't do that. #2 tip: Ask questions about things on their profile. If you see something that the two of you share in common, ask a question about it. Usually my first message is a "Hello, how are you?", 1-2 questions about something she wrote, and a short closing sentence. I've got it down to an art form unfortunately lol, but I get a really high response rate this way.

How many is "many"?

One or two people that your mother's hairdresser's cousin's best friend's teacher's daughter may have mentioned?

Or a significant percentage of people you've actually known in person?

Yeah, you get a high response rate because it's a great first message. Well, personally I never ask "how are you?" but I'm sure it doesn't hurt. Actually now I'm curious, do they write back and tell you how they are? Like even if they reply the next day or later?

I found relative success with online dating and I know that others have it to be successful in finding relationships or sexual encounters. It works well for many people on the spectrum and there are a countless threads of people meeting on dating websites on this forum.

Success is a relative term, it isn't black and white for everyone. For many people, they believe that success is a perfect marriage instead of a learning experience.

Usually it's just the typical response to that ("I'm doing well, thank you"), but occasionally people will actually give a fairly lengthy reply to it, usually when they've been really busy and/or stressed. I say it more just so there's some sort of introduction, and it makes it a little more conversational.

I've had success with online dating as well - I had one relationship come from it, and it has honestly helped me to improve my social skills leaps and bounds above what I would have been able to do otherwise. It is not an easy thing to sit down with a near-total stranger and keep a conversation going for 1-2 hours, even for people who are quite social, so over time it has helped me learn better conversational skills and things to say/not say. Now, I have gone from being extremely quiet and hardly able to even have a normal conversation to being quite outgoing and social when I want to be.

That is relative success for you, Stargazer, some people think that success means having a hareem of girls. They set unrealistic expectations and that's why they do not achieve what they want from online dating.

I am Groot.

If this first message is a general call, then:

If instead this first message is directed at one individual, then I suggest something like:

I am probably going to regret this, but my curiosity is getting the better of me. But why on God's green Earth only a STEM degree ? Anything the matter with accountants, artists, school teachers, lawyers, media folks, etc etc etc ?

"I'm pretty sure I'm not a cannibal. You?"