An Alphabet Soup of Social Issues

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Hello, everyone.

I am new to these forums, and I am still learning the ropes and bounds around here, so please bear with me.

I have attempted to talk about my own personal laundry list of social issues on the Social Anxiety forums yesterday, but I have grown impatient and desperate that I wanted to share my details here and hope that someone will be able to reach out and help me out. I will essentially be reposting what I posted over there, same username and all.

I wish I can precisely pinpoint down how long i've been dealing with my social anxiety, what all of my symptoms are, and how I can rationalize all of it, but I will do the best that I can to list out all of the factors that surround it and probably why I decided to come to these forums.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at a fairly young age. I had trouble concentrating in the classroom, and I had a hard time coping with my classmates. Fortunately, special ed programs in grade school and therapy have helped fixed most of that, but I still have that in mind as a personal factor, especially when it comes to trying to properly socialize and being extremely cautious of social cues.

I DO know that I have struggled with anxiety throughout a huge chunk of my life. Whether it be stuck in elementary school and not liking the other kids making fun of me, to feeling trapped and restricted in a college dorm, struggling to socialize with others and putting myself out there, but ending up with very little payoff and exhaustion, to boot.

In relation to that, I flock online, since I feel like I can relate far better to people online than I can with the people around me. I have made a handful of friends that I have grown very close to and have been very comfortable to be around, every time I manage to initiate a chat with them. Problems are is that we have conflicting timezones and we all have our own lives that we have to tend to, which makes it especially difficult for me if I grow anxious of a problem that i'd like to express, making me spiral down into negative self-talk that they're ignoring me and i'm in their way, when my rational side knows that it's not true, but I can't help myself. It sometimes happens, I get low, and there's not much I can do about it.

I'm a very expressive person. I'm not sure if it has to do with me growing up in a family that's pretty much raised me in a very unconventional way, but I feel like I am very in-tune with most of my emotions. That expressiveness usually ends up with me coming off as blunt and transparent, which I am fine with, since I feel like I have no secrets to hide from most people. Consequently, it's molded most of my personality to not like bottling things up, because it feels like I would not be staying true to myself. Another way of looking at it is probably me coming off as having no filter and annoying people as well, which has been another worry that has always tickled me wrong. It seems, from my experience, the people that i'm drawn to are not as open and sociable as I am, which frustrates me to no end, because I start to think that I am being too assertive when I am just going off of what I had to learn all by myself. Nobody has ever been around to help me get a proper textbook on how to socialize with certain kinds of people. It's drawn a mix of resentment towards others and doubt towards myself.

In relation to that, I am a very picky person on what kind of people i'd like to interact with. There's a whole lot of BS in this world, and I usually get drawn to people who have similar interests (VIDEOGAMESRAH), similar temperament (much rarer), who are to themselves, and/or I feel comfortable in approaching (not too many). I tend to avoid a lot of loud, brash, outgoing types who like to shout and be irresponsible with themselves, among other things. In relation to that, it feels like I avoid alot of males my age. Older and younger are fine by me, but the guys in my age range make me all kinds of uncomfortable. Maybe it's the fact that i'm the black sheep in showing emotions when guys around where I live aren't raised to do that and rather dabble in mostly small-talk, or the fact that i've seen most of them as aggressive or irrational. I am NOT saying that that is every guy i've seen, just the majority that I have been around. I'm definitely sure it's not some sort of sexual mechanism, since it's their attitudes and behaviors that really tip me off, but that's enough of THAT tangential paragraph!

With that said, it seems that I approach more women than men. Maybe it's the fact that i've been raised in a house predominantly full of women, and i've sort of developed their mindset to certain things (ESPECIALLY the sympathy and compassion angle), but i've always felt more comfortable around women, too. The fact that I always wanted to find my "special one" probably has to do with it, too. And even then, THAT has been very hard to do as well. I wish I can properly explain that, but sometimes I feel like I creep girls away with how forthcoming I can be about myself, and i'm just looking for a nice friendship and a friendly chat, nothing skeevy! I may be a love-starved twit at times, but I want to be your friend first and get to know you and feel comfortable! Maybe it's the fact that most that I talk to don't say much to me--- and speaking of which, i'm the type of person that gets FAR more unsettled by the things that people don't say than the things that people do say. I'm still pondering that one, though I feel very unsure about how to make about my attempted interactions with others in that aspect. It probably still has to do with me being a black sheep again, I don't know.

Speaking of friends, I recently distanced myself from a few friends that have rubbed me the wrong way, metaphorically speaking. One of them being a girl who was very negative about herself and other, had the social skills of a young child and had no awareness of how hurtful her words could be to other people, and how all of that plus her negativity was bogging me down. Another was an old friend that I have known since grade school, and how our different interests clash with one another. He is far more of a risk taker than I could ever be, and I tend to feel down whenever HE goes off on essays about all the great things he's accomplishing. Which is rich for me to say, considering how long this post is stretching out. The third one is a guy who may or may not have had a crush on me, who did a very bad job in trying to figure out my emotions, and essentially tried to force himself to be my friend, and was much more in love with the idea of being my friend than being patient and taking the time to know me and have me feel comfortable. He also had vulgar tastes that he tried to put in front of me, that I told him that I did not take kindly to, but that cropped up here and there. I told him that I only felt like an acquaintance to him, and he handled it poorly, with a strong surge of emotions that made me feel uncomfortable, and approaching me later on as if none of that has ever happened. Coupled that with staying at a very crappy dorm with unpleasant students and I have the heavy emotional baggage stacking on me layer upon layer that i'm still slowly recovering from.

My family has been very protective of me, but they are very poor when it comes to emotional support, which I feel like I need the most to make it through the day. They're from different cultures, and they deliberately ignore whatever mental struggles I try to express across to them. They put words in my mouth and think I make these things up (my MENTAL disorders that were diagnosed, mind you!) as an excuse for my erratic behavior, like overreacting to something that I was very fearful of, and the like. They don't realize that I am not like them, and my own mind requires different standards, but they refuse to listen out of their hubris and refusing to admit that they're wrong. I could go on a whole tangent about how emotionally bankrupt I feel around my family, but this post has been going on for long enough. Probably. Financially, they are always there for me, but for a shoulder to cry on, they get confused and tell me to man up, when my mind is not that simple or stable to them.

I'm recently seeing a therapist about most of my issues that I have listed, but I can only see them once every week for about an hour or so, which makes the long waits all the more aggravating. My therapist did agree that we all need consistent social support, and several things have lead to another for me to spill my guts onto these forums.

I'm not sure what drove me to post all of this now on these forums, but I feel like it's necessary for me to get some word out to others who may know what i'm going through. I need help, clearly. And i'm doing my best to get the help that I can. It is VERY difficult to keep myself together, with all that i've been going through. And there's only so much I can do to help myself out. It's an extremely difficult struggle. Sometimes, I feel like caving in and crying, though I know that nothing would change from it. Nor the fact that feeling worthless would do a thing about the problems that I have now.
I am the type of person that prefers small, tight groups over large, loose groups, which is probably a sizable reason why I am very averse to large social gatherings. So many people around at once is sensory overload for me at times, and attention is very unevenly shifted to certain people.

On a related note, I have to say that I love attention. I think and I know it is very problematic and selfish for me to say that, but I have always enjoyed having a spotlight shined on me, and having it taken away causes a fair share of anxiety for me to crop up, among others. I know this is very problematic, but there IS a reason that I would like to bring these details up.

As I mention briefly with my interactions with other girls, I could be a love-starved twit. I do my best to keep it together and not outwardly show it, because it almost always seems like a very uncomfortable subject to bring up to other people, which is immensely frustrating, considering these feeling for me at this time are on overdrive and I have to force myself to suppress it. I've had a girlfriend during my Sophomore year of college, and we spent a fair share of time doing things that we both liked, and it was the most wonderful 5 months i've ever had. Then, she broke up with me, saying that we were at two different points in our lives, and broke off all contact with me without even letting me say goodbye to her. I've grieved during the past year because of all of that, and while I could say that I am mostly over her now, my wounds are still very visible, and that moment has significantly shaken me up. It can probably explain my mood and orientation on my profile, in some aspects.

Whenever I get a chance to splurge on about myself to people who would let me, I tend to tell them everything, especially my shortcomings and my struggles. And when I start talking about them, it is very hard for me to stop, as you can probably glimpse at in these paragraphs I have written up. Afterwards, I feel very guilty because I feel like I have eaten up their time to listen to me prattle on about my own worries and not much time for them to talk about themselves. I know my mind says that it is okay, but my emotions say otherwise and I dig that hole up once more.

Another thing is that I am very impatient, which I am still actively working on, but THAT lack of patience has not helped me cope one bit.

I feel crippled whenever I get ignored.

And I am sorry if I go on and on. If any of you read and respond, then I thank you very much, and I hope for the best.

I'm not sure where else to go with this, or what else that I probably missed, but I want support. I want comfort. I'm not too sure on what or how, since all of this is so confusing even to me. Does anybody else around know what I mean?

If you manged to read all of this, I thank you. I know it's been very long, but it's been things i've been dealing with for a long time and I am sick of keeping it all bottled up inside of myself. On the other hand, this huge essay was probably a great way to know about the intricacies of how my mind may work or may not work, depending.

Anyhow, thank you all in advance for reading and willing to shell out anything you can without ostracizing me. I'm a complicated guy, but then again, aren't we all?

This is going to take me a while to digest and re-read, so I'm guessing that may be true for other people who read it, too. Out of everything you listed, what would you say is the most important thing to discuss right away?

I'm sorry if this was all very long and somewhat convoluted, there were all of these thoughts that I have had for a long time and that I needed to shed off and spread the word. I couldn't really take holding it all in anymore.

I would say the most important thing that I wanted to discuss right away was the loneliness aspect, finding friends that I feel comfortable with, building connections, and having consistent social support with someone or with a few people, and supporting each other, basically. I can't completely be myself around my family, and my friends are not always around, even when I am at my worst. I guess this also extends to relationships as well, but it would feel awkward to bring it up right now. That ginormous essay I posted above was my attempt to try to get people to understand how I rationalize these matters in my mind and where I come from. I hope all of this is making sense.

I think it does make sense & no need to apologize. I was just a bit overwhelmed by it and need time to parse it and then integrate it. The nice thing about WP is there is an incredible assortment of people here, so it's likely that after you've been interacting with people for a number of threads you are more likely to find ones who understand you.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I should definitely spend some time around the forums and get to know more people around here. I'm hoping it will all work out in the long run. And I promise that these long essays will not come all too often! As I said, I know it has been a lot to take in, but I had these thoughts bottled up and I really wanted to let it out in hopes that I would find others that would be able to help me out. Thanks again, I do appreciate people reading and giving advice and help.

I can relate with some of what you said. I too was diagnosed with Aspergers at a fairly young age, although I am only now starting to learn more about it (which is why I am on this forum). I also have a lot of anxiety, both social and in school. I definitely envy your ability to talk to girls, because I'm at that point in life where I really need to start doing that and I find it hard to even start conversations with close friends (My best friend and I can sometimes be in the same room for an hour without saying anything because we both don't know what to say). If you have any advice on how I could talk to girls then I would love to hear it.

My friends are usually people who are either on the autism spectrum or think they might be, I generally find such people easier to understand and connect with. We can both talk for a long time about anything we are interested in and we can throw a lot of those annoying social rules out the window. That's not to say that I don't have neurotypical friends or that I selectively befriend aspies, I just find it easier to become close to such people and they do tend to be more understanding about autistic tendencies and social probelems for obvious reasons. You could try befriending people like that.

I wish I can give proper advice to talk to girls. I'd say I was a very special case, where I was raised and grew up in a house dominated by women, and I think I probably developed a bit of a woman's mindset from being around it all. I just naturally felt more comfortable being around girls than I did boys my age, since i'm a very expressive and emotional person, compared to most guys my age. If anything, I feel like I have a hard time talking to most guys my age, because I can't really feel much of an internal emotional connection with several of them! Not true for all, but it's happened to me more often than not. I do know, from experience with my issues and the like, that guys like to get straight to fixing others, while girls like to sympathize, which i'm a bit more in-tune with. Again, not saying it's true for everyone, but that's been my experience.



Believe me, I fight thick and think to find more and more people like the ones you've explained, but it has been very difficult, at least around where I am, because most are not as open or willing to reach out as I am and it gets frustrating for me. There's also the matter of feeling comfortable around my peers, as i've explained before which ties to this as well. It won't mean that I still won't try, but I am doing what I can and it hasn't been easy for me so far.