I might have to break up with my girlfriend

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Tross
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24 Mar 2016, 7:42 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Do you love her? Honestly, you don't sound so hesitant at the possibility of breaking up with her.

So maybe...she can feel that? Like her gut feeling is telling her that you don't love her strongly enough and probably that is making her obsession over you even worse, because she's terrified to lose you?

I've dated a girl like this, it was very annoying at times but the good side that her feelings were entirely undoubtful.

I guess you need to tell her everything what you are writing here.

Well, it's not that I dislike her. I like her a lot actually. But I also have to consider whether there's a future with her. Do I love her? Will I want to marry her one day? That's rhetorical because only I can answer that. Trust me when I say that she's a sweet girl and we do have a great time when we're together.

The issues tend to arise when we're not together. When I'm with her or I just saw her, I don't have thoughts of leaving her. Maybe I should be more open with her. Maybe I'm just letting my frustrations grow without any release, and I'm just experiencing them boiling over. Maybe I should end things, but I've been holding off because I don't want to make a brash decision that I'll regret. I guess that was part of why I posted this thread. Getting other's opinions has proven helpful.



Tross
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24 Mar 2016, 7:44 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I've dated once a girl who, whenever I went online on whatsapp but not messaging her, she was like "with who you are talking?".

She was THAT much obsessed and jealous - but she was an over-extreme case.

Yeah, this girl is like that with texts I receive. I don't currently have Whatsapp but I'm sure she would be like that with me if I did.



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25 Mar 2016, 1:46 am

As a girl, can I give you my perspective?

I think relationships like this can be very harmful in the long run. But it all depends on the magnitude of her obsession. I tend to get a bit obsessive in relationships. However I still have other things to occupy me, and I'd rather be single than in a bad relationship.

My uncle was married to a woman who was very obsessive and who never let him do anything alone and who did not trust him at all. Eventually he divorced her, and she got custody over the children. She would use the children as "bargaining chips" in order to see him and get him to do things for her. At one point she broke into his house.

I'd say go with your gut instincts, and don't drag things out. It will only make things worse if you do. And you may be afraid of being single, but if that's the only thing keeping you together (she may have the same fear), then are your feelings really genuine?

I find that people like your girlfriend often don't care who they are with, so long as they aren't single. They just crave approval, and want a relationship that they can depend on for everything, without fear of rejection or getting cheated on. Of course, everyone has these fears at some point or another, and there's no such thing as a perfect relationship where you will always know what the other person is doing and whether or not they are being faithful. So they try to keep you close so that you are always under their control, more or less.

Like I said though, it all depends on the severity of the situation, and whether or not you really like her (and aren't just afraid of being alone). But if you really can't imagine a future with her, I think it might be a good idea to break up as it's unlikely things will change for the better.

If you want more information, try reading about codependency. It's something I suffer from, but I'm constantly working on improving.



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25 Mar 2016, 1:48 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I've dated once a girl who, whenever I went online on whatsapp but not messaging her, she was like "with who you are talking?".

She was THAT much obsessed and jealous - but she was an over-extreme case.


A girl at my school is doing the same things to me, and we aren't even dating. It's driving me crazy!



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25 Mar 2016, 10:23 am

Tross wrote:
autismthinker21 wrote:
Tross wrote:
I made a thread a while back that my gf is too obsessive. Well, now the straw might have broken the camel's back. I spent an afternoon with her once, after which I went to my weekly board game meetup with my friends. I like to think we had a great afternoon together, but I guess she thought we were going to hang out till the evening. Anyways, she sent my friend a text saying she was mad at him for making me spend time with him. First of all, he didn't make me spend time with him; none of my friends did. Secondly, saying something like that to my friend is really uncool.

I get that her disorder makes her obsess over me to unhealthy extremes. I mean I asked once if she had any hobbies to occupy her when I'm not around, and her response was that she "doesn't do hobbies", whatever that means. She gets unhappy when I just want some me time, or want to spend time with friends.

I've wanted a gf for a long time and don't really want to be single again, and I really care about this girl. That said, I'm not sure if I see a long term future with her, especially not marriage. If not then I'm lying to her, and most of all, to myself. This is something I'll have to think long and hard about, and it's going to hurt me too to break up with her, but maybe it's for the best. I mean, I struck up a conversation with a girl at my university and found that we both love videogames and Japanese media, and we had a much more normal conversation than I've ever had with my current gf. Maybe that's the kind of girl I should be looking for. My head is spinning. Any thoughts?
like morpheus said free your mind and answer the phone. saying i am ejecting out the matrix. welcome to reality.

That's a great analogy. Being in a relationship can be kind of like being in the Matrix. I just have to decide whether it's the false reality I want, or if I want to eject. I'm also starting to get sick of her childish tantrums. For example, she invited me out to a movie at midnight tomorrow night, but I already made plans to see it with friends on Tuesday, and at a reasonable time. Of course she immediately jumps to a conclusion that only a crazy person would come to, which is that I don't love her. I managed to get her to come with me on Tuesday instead, as a means of getting the best of both worlds, but she throws tantrums like that all the time when she doesn't get her way.

I suppose I wouldn't have been with her as long as I have if she didn't have her good points, but I'm going to have to figure out how to navigate the bad if I want things to work out. How do I tactfully imply that it's ridiculous to infer that I don't love her just because I might have other plans that don't always involve her? If I can get her to stop that behaviour, then maybe things will go a lot more smoothly.


Well how often do your other plans not involve her? I mean did she know you had scheduled to see it on tuesday with friends? Was there really no way just you and her could have gone and seen it and then you could have still seen it with your friends? I mean if you spend a lot of time with her and she gets mad/upset whenever you're not with her then that does sound too obsessive on her end. However if you're constantly leaving her behind to go do stuff with 'friends' I could see how she might think you'd rather spend time with them than her. How often do just you and her go out to do activities like see a movie or whatever? Or do you mostly spend time with her at home and then mostly go out with friends.

And well do you love her? From the sound of it its questionable that you do...so she might not be so far off with that conclusion. Also I kind of get the impression you see yourself as the mentally superior one who's always in the right and she's just a silly girl who has no reason for any of her feelings....its just the way you've worded some of this but I could be wrong.



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25 Mar 2016, 10:39 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I've dated once a girl who, whenever I went online on whatsapp but not messaging her, she was like "with who you are talking?".

She was THAT much obsessed and jealous - but she was an over-extreme case.

What kind of a website is whatsapp? And if asking who you're talking to whilst on that specific website was her only offense I feel its kind of a far cry from an over-extreme case of jealousy. I can think of much worse senerios.



The_Face_of_Boo
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25 Mar 2016, 2:04 pm

^ it's a popular a texting app, and the only way to know whether one is online on it or not is to open their chat conversation where there's a small "online" that appears under the name when one is currently online.

Which means, that this girl, was constantly checking my online status, and expects me to talk to her only every time I go online on it.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 25 Mar 2016, 2:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Tross
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25 Mar 2016, 2:35 pm

IncredibleFrog wrote:
I find that people like your girlfriend often don't care who they are with, so long as they aren't single. They just crave approval, and want a relationship that they can depend on for everything, without fear of rejection or getting cheated on. Of course, everyone has these fears at some point or another, and there's no such thing as a perfect relationship where you will always know what the other person is doing and whether or not they are being faithful. So they try to keep you close so that you are always under their control, more or less.

That makes sense. Before she started dating me, she was either in a very brief relationship that didn't last, or pining for some guy, and sometimes asking others if they could get his number for her. Maybe it's not me she's in love with, but the idea of me. But yeah, I'll definitely look up codependency. She did also stalk me before on social media when we were just friends, and even told me once that she didn't want me to go on a trip I was planning, and that was only three days after we met.



Tross
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25 Mar 2016, 2:48 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Tross wrote:
autismthinker21 wrote:
Tross wrote:
I made a thread a while back that my gf is too obsessive. Well, now the straw might have broken the camel's back. I spent an afternoon with her once, after which I went to my weekly board game meetup with my friends. I like to think we had a great afternoon together, but I guess she thought we were going to hang out till the evening. Anyways, she sent my friend a text saying she was mad at him for making me spend time with him. First of all, he didn't make me spend time with him; none of my friends did. Secondly, saying something like that to my friend is really uncool.

I get that her disorder makes her obsess over me to unhealthy extremes. I mean I asked once if she had any hobbies to occupy her when I'm not around, and her response was that she "doesn't do hobbies", whatever that means. She gets unhappy when I just want some me time, or want to spend time with friends.

I've wanted a gf for a long time and don't really want to be single again, and I really care about this girl. That said, I'm not sure if I see a long term future with her, especially not marriage. If not then I'm lying to her, and most of all, to myself. This is something I'll have to think long and hard about, and it's going to hurt me too to break up with her, but maybe it's for the best. I mean, I struck up a conversation with a girl at my university and found that we both love videogames and Japanese media, and we had a much more normal conversation than I've ever had with my current gf. Maybe that's the kind of girl I should be looking for. My head is spinning. Any thoughts?
like morpheus said free your mind and answer the phone. saying i am ejecting out the matrix. welcome to reality.

That's a great analogy. Being in a relationship can be kind of like being in the Matrix. I just have to decide whether it's the false reality I want, or if I want to eject. I'm also starting to get sick of her childish tantrums. For example, she invited me out to a movie at midnight tomorrow night, but I already made plans to see it with friends on Tuesday, and at a reasonable time. Of course she immediately jumps to a conclusion that only a crazy person would come to, which is that I don't love her. I managed to get her to come with me on Tuesday instead, as a means of getting the best of both worlds, but she throws tantrums like that all the time when she doesn't get her way.

I suppose I wouldn't have been with her as long as I have if she didn't have her good points, but I'm going to have to figure out how to navigate the bad if I want things to work out. How do I tactfully imply that it's ridiculous to infer that I don't love her just because I might have other plans that don't always involve her? If I can get her to stop that behaviour, then maybe things will go a lot more smoothly.


Well how often do your other plans not involve her? I mean did she know you had scheduled to see it on tuesday with friends? Was there really no way just you and her could have gone and seen it and then you could have still seen it with your friends? I mean if you spend a lot of time with her and she gets mad/upset whenever you're not with her then that does sound too obsessive on her end. However if you're constantly leaving her behind to go do stuff with 'friends' I could see how she might think you'd rather spend time with them than her. How often do just you and her go out to do activities like see a movie or whatever? Or do you mostly spend time with her at home and then mostly go out with friends.

And well do you love her? From the sound of it its questionable that you do...so she might not be so far off with that conclusion. Also I kind of get the impression you see yourself as the mentally superior one who's always in the right and she's just a silly girl who has no reason for any of her feelings....its just the way you've worded some of this but I could be wrong.

I suppose I could have seen the movie twice, but I find that to be a waste of time and money. I do make an effort to see her a lot. It is often at her house since she doesn't drive, but I do make time for her. I also like to make time for my friends though, and also some time for myself. It's not that I don't enjoy her company. I just like to schedule time for more than just her.

Well, she does have a disorder of sorts that makes her fairly childlike and limited in her academic capabilities. The latter doesn't matter to me, since it's not like hanging out with her requires math knowledge or anything. However, it has proven to be a problem socially too. She doesn't seem to understand basic social cues, and often keeps texting me even after I say I'll talk to her later. She also doesn't always think logically, especially when it comes to phoning and face timing. Like, I'll say I'm driving and can't text, and she'll proceed to call me a couple minutes later. Stuff like that.

Also, I think of myself as a big kid, but she takes it to the extreme, and I often feel more like her babysitter than her boyfriend. I remember one date where we went to the playground to swing, which I kind of enjoy for nostalgic reasons, and she said she was just going to sit on a bench, so I assumed she would stay nearby, but then she went to the other side of the park, which I wasn't familiar with, and I thought I lost her. I then got a little mad and said never to do that again, and then I mused that I felt the same way I do when a child I volunteer with leaves my sight. Other times she's kind of normal, aside from enjoying stuff like the Disney Channel, and consulting her parents for every little thing she does even though she's 26.

I mean, some stuff I can't fault her on, because glass houses. I mean, maybe she can't extrapolate very well, but I can't throw darts very well as I have very poor dexterity. On the other hand, I do kind of wish I could have more normal conversations with her sometimes. Maybe it's more to do with me than her. Perhaps I need a girl on my intellectual level or close enough to it. My current gf is a sweetheart, and even if we break up I hope we can stay friends, because she's definitely not my enemy or anything. But, I can see why relationships and breakups complicate things and mess up friendships.



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25 Mar 2016, 4:52 pm

Generally your girlfriend wanting to see a movie with you should take precedence over previous plans made with friends.

In any case, you could have at least invited her along to watch the movie with you and your friends.


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25 Mar 2016, 5:01 pm

Tross wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I've dated once a girl who, whenever I went online on whatsapp but not messaging her, she was like "with who you are talking?".

She was THAT much obsessed and jealous - but she was an over-extreme case.

Yeah, this girl is like that with texts I receive. I don't currently have Whatsapp but I'm sure she would be like that with me if I did.


Does she get possessive or is she just asking out of curiosity?


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25 Mar 2016, 5:23 pm

alex wrote:
Generally your girlfriend wanting to see a movie with you should take precedence over previous plans made with friends.

In any case, you could have at least invited her along to watch the movie with you and your friends.

That is what I ended up doing, so all parties are satisfied for now.



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25 Mar 2016, 5:46 pm

alex wrote:
Generally your girlfriend wanting to see a movie with you should take precedence over previous plans made with friends.

In any case, you could have at least invited her along to watch the movie with you and your friends.


As a woman I don't agree that you should just drop everything when your girlfriend tells you to. She should respect that you made a prior arrangement. You can't just let your friends down every time your girlfriend demands you to. That's no life at all. You're not her pet.

I would maybe suggest involving her in decisions before the plan is final. I.e. So and so has invited me to the cinema on Thursday, do you want to come too?

But then you'd need a balance with that too. If she says no to every suggestion of hanging out with you and your friends or if she tells you no I don't want you to go every single time you tell her what you're planning then that is controlling behaviour and not healthy.

Edited as question was answered in previous post



Tross
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25 Mar 2016, 7:37 pm

hurtloam wrote:
alex wrote:
Generally your girlfriend wanting to see a movie with you should take precedence over previous plans made with friends.

In any case, you could have at least invited her along to watch the movie with you and your friends.


As a woman I don't agree that you should just drop everything when your girlfriend tells you to. She should respect that you made a prior arrangement. You can't just let your friends down every time your girlfriend demands you to. That's no life at all. You're not her pet.

I would maybe suggest involving her in decisions before the plan is final. I.e. So and so has invited me to the cinema on Thursday, do you want to come too?

But then you'd need a balance with that too. If she says no to every suggestion of hanging out with you and your friends or if she tells you no I don't want you to go every single time you tell her what you're planning then that is controlling behaviour and not healthy.

Edited as question was answered in previous post
Maybe you're right. That's a very reasonable suggestion. Maybe I can make it work if she agrees to those terms.



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26 Mar 2016, 2:56 pm

Tross wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
...I would maybe suggest involving her in decisions before the plan is final. I.e. So and so has invited me to the cinema on Thursday, do you want to come too?...
Maybe you're right. That's a very reasonable suggestion. Maybe I can make it work if she agrees to those terms.


It's actually something that I've noticed my friends who are in relationships do. If I invite my friend out they will say, "that sounds good, let me check that my partner is free that evening and I'll get back to you." Or if it's maybe just a girls night out and her husband/boyfriend isn't invited she'll say, "that sounds good, let me just check we don't have anything else on that date."



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26 Mar 2016, 5:51 pm

hurtloam wrote:
It's actually something that I've noticed my friends who are in relationships do. If I invite my friend out they will say, "that sounds good, let me check that my partner is free that evening and I'll get back to you." Or if it's maybe just a girls night out and her husband/boyfriend isn't invited she'll say, "that sounds good, let me just check we don't have anything else on that date."
I (male) have to deal with the same thing. Only in my case, it's ten times worse. Because not only do my friends have to ask their girlfriends' permission (like asking your boss for a sick day) to go somewhere alone, they never want to go anywhere alone to begin with. Or maybe their girlfriends aren't allowing them to do so. To add insult to the injury, the girlfriends never want to go out anywhere, and my friends are joined at the hip with them almost 24/7 (outside of working and weeknight sleeping).

This was the final nail in the coffin for me to stay away from any kinds of relationships.