I might have to break up with my girlfriend

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hurtloam
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27 Mar 2016, 1:53 am

It's called communication Aspie1. It's about sharing. It's not "asking for permission", it's just about letting the other person know what's happening so that you can both manage your diaries and avoid mix ups at a later date.



The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Mar 2016, 3:28 am

^ Umm no... not always, the couples Aspie1 is describing exist.

The sick day from boss analogy is an excellent one lol.
I have a friend who, every time he goes with us in an outing, his wife calls him asking him to come home back for some random reason lol.

One time he stayed only for half hour only, another time she asked to bring stuff from the supermarket - for things that can wait (gloves for dish washing and other stuff, not medicines, not milk).

Ok, urgent things may happen... but every single time? Come on.



Aspie1
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27 Mar 2016, 9:42 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ Umm no... not always, the couples Aspie1 is describing exist.

The sick day from boss analogy is an excellent one lol.
I have a friend who, every time he goes with us in an outing, his wife calls him asking him to come home back for some random reason lol.
Each of my friends is even weirder than that, lol. (They both started relationships within weeks of each other, which makes me think it was done out of social pressure, rather than "love".) He won't even go work out at the gym with me (and we used to do that often), because that means he has to go without his girlfriend. Even more so, he won't go anywhere without her, excluding work, because according to him, in a relationship, you have to do everything together, otherwise "it's not love". I almost threw up in my mouth when he told me that.



hurtloam
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27 Mar 2016, 10:34 am

Oh OK, you two do know people in quite smothering relationships. I was meaning communication in a more balanced relationship

I wouldn't want something that smothering either.



Tross
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27 Mar 2016, 12:11 pm

^Yikes, sounds to me like relationships are way too much trouble. I'm surprised so many people go for them. But then, I'm locked in one too. Mine isn't as smothering as the ones discussed above, but my gf can get a little too clingy for me at times. On the plus side, I set a precedent of not responding to texts when I'm with my friends, and I often wait a little to respond if I'm enjoying a hobby like gaming. I find that 99.99% she "just wants to talk to me" anyways. She'll still be around when I'm done. Plus, when I'm out with my friends I inform her thusly and say I will talk to her after. She often arbitrarily asks what time, to which I usually say "when I'm done", since there's no time limit on guy time, or me time for that matter.

Anyways, I'm going to keep trying to make things work. For one thing, her brother might refer me to a better paying job than I currently have, so now definitely wouldn't be the time to end things. Also, I had another great evening with my gf last night and it usually takes a couple days to fall back into being unhappy with her clinginess.



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27 Mar 2016, 12:36 pm

Tross wrote:
^Yikes, sounds to me like relationships are way too much trouble. I'm surprised so many people go for them. But then, I'm locked in one too. Mine isn't as smothering as the ones discussed above, but my gf can get a little too clingy for me at times.
My problem with my friends' relationships isn't the clinginess, but the diverging interests and the girls' introversion. That is, I've become very outgoing during the last 5 years, and almost crave social interactions on a regular basis. My friends are similar. Their girlfriends, on the other hand, are very introverted, and only want to stay home on most weekends. If my girlfriend were like that, not only would I dump her, I'd get a restraining order to make sure she doesn't return. Of course, my friends are partially doing it to themselves, by refusing to go anywhere without their girlfriends. I stopped feeling sorry or sympathetic for them, and instead just smugly watch them feel bored.

To add insult to the injury, a family member once said this to me: "Forget about your interests! They don't matter at all! What matters is how you and your significant other feel about each other." When I asked if feelings would stem from shared interests, the family member said: "Not at all. Feelings come from your heart." My reaction was: "WTF?!"



Tross
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27 Mar 2016, 9:13 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Tross wrote:
^Yikes, sounds to me like relationships are way too much trouble. I'm surprised so many people go for them. But then, I'm locked in one too. Mine isn't as smothering as the ones discussed above, but my gf can get a little too clingy for me at times.
My problem with my friends' relationships isn't the clinginess, but the diverging interests and the girls' introversion. That is, I've become very outgoing during the last 5 years, and almost crave social interactions on a regular basis. My friends are similar. Their girlfriends, on the other hand, are very introverted, and only want to stay home on most weekends. If my girlfriend were like that, not only would I dump her, I'd get a restraining order to make sure she doesn't return. Of course, my friends are partially doing it to themselves, by refusing to go anywhere without their girlfriends. I stopped feeling sorry or sympathetic for them, and instead just smugly watch them feel bored.

To add insult to the injury, a family member once said this to me: "Forget about your interests! They don't matter at all! What matters is how you and your significant other feel about each other." When I asked if feelings would stem from shared interests, the family member said: "Not at all. Feelings come from your heart." My reaction was: "WTF?!"
Well, for me it doesn't matter so much if my significant other has the same interests as me. I'm more concerned with whether or not she's cool with me having the interests I have, because like it or not I'm going to be me regardless, and if she's not ok with it, she can take a hike, since I'm not interested in someone who will try to change or control me. My gf thankfully isn't so concerned with what my interests are, so long as I make an effort to spend time with her. My main concern right now is whether or not she's taking that too far.

On the other hand, having common interests can help. If you want to spend time with another person it probably helps if there's something you both enjoy doing. There's a few things my gf and I like to do together, such as going to the playground to swing on the swings, dropping by a bubble tea place and occasionally catching a nighttime movie. I even sort of got her hooked on one of my favourite shows that I'm a closet fan of. It at least gives us something in common to talk about, and that's good.



Tross
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27 Mar 2016, 10:48 pm

I found an article that perfectly describes how I'm feeling right now. This article is actually aimed more at women who are clingy (and not the guy who's a little turned off), but I think it's still helpful as it identifies issues I'm having. Here it is: http://www.lovepanky.com/women/attracti ... o-avoid-it

With my gf I'm definitely observing signs 1, 2, 3, 7, 10, 11, 12 and 13. She wants to talk all the time, hates when I don't feel like talking, hates when I spend time with my friends, doesn't seem to have a life and wants all my attention, and she tends to think I don't love her when I sometimes just feel like doing other things or spending time with my friends. She's notorious for number 10 in particular as one of the most common questions she asks me is "what are you doing right now?" Great, I just need to figure out how to tactfully hint that she ought to work on those 8 things and our relationship will be just fine. :D



eccentrica
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28 Mar 2016, 4:33 am

As an older aspie - awaiting dx- I have a different take. Your interests don't have to same.... Just level of committment. All sorts attract but at the end of the day it's who wants to grow with you.... And love you. I don't need a lot of people myself ... But some people just DO.

I really am aot line you... It seems ... But wish I had not been sonhard on people when I was younger. We all want what we want, but I think we can be a little too harsh on others BC we just don't - ger- it.



eccentrica
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28 Mar 2016, 4:35 am

Lol. Can't see shizite without my glasses ... Sorry!!



crazybunnylady
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28 Mar 2016, 5:29 am

alex wrote:
Generally your girlfriend wanting to see a movie with you should take precedence over previous plans made with friends.

In any case, you could have at least invited her along to watch the movie with you and your friends.


I couldn't disagree more. If you cancel your plans with friends just so you can hang out with your demanding girlfriend, you're letting your friends (and yourself) down. If a guy I was dating did that for me, I would think he was a pathetic drip (an emergency situation is different). To me, attractive men worth dating have their own lives, friends, boundaries and won't just drop their plans because a girl said so. This girl doesn't sound anything like me though haha.

She sounds like a lot of hard work, I don't know why guys put up with that kind of thing, is it just the sex or something, or they don't want to be alone?

Men need their space and especially guys on the spectrum, this girl does not sound like the kind of person you'd want to spend your life with (as far as I can tell). A healthy relationship is between 2 people who are happy in themselves and don't need the other person for all their entertainment, validation etc.


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eccentrica
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28 Mar 2016, 6:06 am

Bottom line is very black and white.... Do you love her and want to be with her? If not then break up with her... She deserves to be happy, too. Don't string her along.

Not saying you are doing this.... But all people can feel the push pull dynamic and being on the fence about someone is craxymaking.



Tross
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28 Mar 2016, 3:18 pm

eccentrica wrote:
Bottom line is very black and white.... Do you love her and want to be with her? If not then break up with her... She deserves to be happy, too. Don't string her along.

Not saying you are doing this.... But all people can feel the push pull dynamic and being on the fence about someone is craxymaking.

Yeah, this is exactly what I've been contemplating, and it's because I care about her feelings that I don't want to string her along if the answer is no. Unfortunately I'm having a very hard time seeing it in black and white terms as there's stuff I like about her, and stuff I don't, and in many ways the answer is yes I want to be with her, but not 24/7. If I need to hold out for someone I do want to spend every waking moment with if I want things to work out, then I guess the answer is no, but I would have broken up with her months ago if I didn't think there were any merits to being with her. We're both Christians, so it's not something as superfluous as sex that's keeping us together. It's genuine enjoyment of each other's company. Well...sometimes, in my case. I just feel like I need my space too. Everything in moderation. My gf doesn't seem to see it that way though.



slenkar
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28 Mar 2016, 5:48 pm

It's highly unlikely she is going to change, in fact she could get worse.



Tross
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01 Apr 2016, 2:15 pm

So I brought up that article with my gf and said that it's a common issue couples face, and that I will work on making her feel more secure in the relationship, and communicate more but I just don't think she's taking the issue seriously enough at best, and at worst, she denies being clingy. Heck, any conversation on the subject starts with her stating that I'm pissing her off, as if it's a crime to even imply that there might be the most minute bit of trouble in paradise.

I've agreed to see a relationship therapist with her that her parents know. This will literally be a last ditch effort to save our relationship. I hope we can schedule that soon and that it will work out.



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01 Apr 2016, 3:20 pm

She sounds highly unreasonable, you won't be able to suffer that in the long term