16 months and looking more like autism

Post Reply New Topic

He's only 16 months old. Anything can happen.

I don't sense that the outlook is necessarily "dim."

Let's see how his life proceeds.

The outlook isn't dim at all!! That's a common misconception. My boys are funny and interesting and smart. And if they weren't any of those things, they'd still add to my life. You've got to process the idea that your son may be different. I mean, significantly different. That's hard. And sometimes that leads to grieving. But that doesn't mean that there is no happiness in sight for you and your wife or for him.

My recommendation is to take baby steps. It is really, really hard sometimes to get used to the new normal, so maybe instead of doing that, you just focus on his challenges and try to address those. At the same time, you have to honor who he is. It seems like your wife's bias is to do that, while you are the problem solver. If you both can communicate well, you'll be an unbeatable team. But that takes time. So for now, get him EI, and get him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician or neuopsychologist. It's what any dialed-in parent would do. Cross the existential questions of "why me" and "why my child" and "what about our future" later. You will cross them, I promis, if he continues to be delayed, even if it's not autism. Because...all parents worry, and worry causes arguments. But for now, try to focus on your son. And if you do that, the path to parental resolution will ultimately become clear. ((Hugs))

Keep in mind that a young nonverbal kid is very hard to assess accurately for things that aren't readily observable, such as cognition or receptive language. It's even harder if they're autistic, too. If they fail to respond, is it because they:

a) didn't understand the instructions (receptive)
b) didn't understand the concept (cognitive)
c) couldn't get their body to do what they wanted it to
d) didn't see the point of doing what the adult wanted from them, or didn't want to do it for whatever reason
e) were too overloaded by some sensory issue to pay attention to the questions or give the right response
f) were too scared of an unfamiliar situation or an unfamiliar person to pay attention or give the right response
g) some other reason

I have heard many stories of kids who scored way lower than their true abilities on a cognitive or receptive language test. It's possible the results could be accurate, but with a nonverbal 16 month old with suspected autism, a receptive language test could very easily end up underestimating them.

Your wife thinking "nothing is wrong" could be denial

Or it could be that she has known kids in her extended family who were like your son as a toddler, yet "grew out of it" later, and caught up with the other kids.

One of my wife's distant relatives did not walk until age 4, speak until age 10, yet is now an auto mechanic who is "normal" in every way.

She insists she's not in denial and that she is aware of the delays but ultimately thinks he will end up being OK.
We're starting ABA therapy soon, hopefully that will help some...I will keep you guys updated!

I don't meant to criticize your wife:

But you should ask her for something specific which points to your son "catching up" with other kids. Some sign. Is it "the look in his eyes?" Why does she think there's "nothing wrong" with him?

My mother noticed "the look in my eye." That's why she didn't believe it when I was diagnosed with infantile autism when I was three. This doctor recommended that I be put in an institution.

But you're doing the wise thing by keeping him in EI.

Don't give up, my man. There are many possible outcomes to this. Most of them good in some fashion.

She feels she has a connection with him and that she can interact with him.
It's true to a certain extent - he does seem to respond better to her.

Many kids of that age have a "special connection" with their mother, and not so much with their father. I find this to be pretty "normal," actually.

Please don't feel bad about this. He'll warm up to you as he gets older.

I think you know how important it is for everybody involved to foster that "special connection." Without it, there's less hope.

I'm not a religious person--I'm an atheist, in fact--but if the mother feels that God might help in this, I would encourage this, too. Faith has a way of causing positive things to happen.

Just a random thought - does she show any autistic traits herself? Parents of autistic kids are more likely to have autistic traits, and I've known/heard of many families where the parent with autistic traits refused to believe the diagnosis or suspected diagnosis because they think many autistic traits are normal.

No she's definitely not autistic. Not very social, not a fan of kisses and hugs, but not autistic lol
Another reason she believes he is not autistic is because he does not show any of the classic autism signs (like flapping, repetition, meltdowns, etc), which is true.

I didn't show any of those signs either, according to my mother, when I was in my classic autistic state.

The exception: Whenever I would be taken anywhere indoors, I would have severe temper fits.