It's not unusual for autie/aspies to have suicidal and homicidal ideations at the same time. It stems from our genetic origin back in the Indus Valley thousands of years ago. We were bloodstock bred to be suicidally loyal, intelligent, and chivalrous in war but suicidally disloyal, stupid, and reckless in peace. We were so violent and bloodthirsty that when we ran out of enemies to cull and tup, we culled and tupped each other, and when we ran out of each other to cull and tup, we culled and tupped ourselves. It saved our rulers having to bring us home and pay us wages during peacetime, when there was no official culling and tupping they needed us to do.
I've always had suicidal and homicidal ideations in response to bullying and other types of physical and mental abuse I have encountered, despite my having retrograde, anterograde, psychogenic and dissociative amnesias and total loss of personal identity for the 34 years of my life from age 15½ to age 49½, so it isn't something you grow out of.
So I think it is a natural defence mechanism, and it isn't a uniquely autie/aspie trait. Anyone and everyone can have it. But we autie/aspies suffer obsessive compulsive thoughts and attention deficit thoughts, and hypersensitivity far I excess of what normal people suffer. And that causes us dangerous secondary illnesses, like depression, anxiety, fear, guilt, grief, and anger, than can make us extremely dysfunctional and reckless.
I deliberately died, stone cold, autopsy ready, clinically dead, over 2000 times by age 15½ and once at 55, without once feeling suicidal. That's how bizarre this idiosyncrasy is. Had I not come back to life, a coroner could well have certified my death was due to suicide, whereas it was not. This is often why parents and partners of dead autie/aspies feel so much dreadful and unnecessary guilt if their autie/aspie ward dies by apparent suicide.
As I've had so much practice I teach suicide avoidance and prevention by email autoresponder completely free. And within that word suicide I include the freaky phenomenon of suicide by accident due to reckless endangerment caused by this bizarre idiosyncrasy, like getting run over, by failing to look both ways before attempting to cross a road, out of forgetfulness.
In coroner's court, a police officer reported that, before my mother hanged herself she came close to doing this several times, because she used to wander the streets at night with no regard for her health and safety and he and his colleagues often found themselves having to lock her up until morning for her own good.
But the most disturbing case of suicide and murder ideations that I ever had was the one that started me coaching and counselling suicidal people who were not members of the autie/aspie society I belonged to, when it was wound up, back in 1997. I was asked to continue coaching and counselling, but using the internet, rather than the private internet I had been using until then. This exposed me to requests for coaching and counselling from 'outsiders' and the first 'outsider' was a middle aged schoolteacher who was contemplating killing herself and her two little girls, by car exhaust poisoning, as she was afraid to leave them vulnerable to the advances of her father, because he had raped her from age 11 to age 15, and they were approaching that age.
However, she didn't want anyone to kill her father for what he had done to her. She forgave him unconditionally for all that. This is also why I find this particular mental condition so incomprehensible. We forgive our abusers - but we punish ourselves.
This lady had to take scalding hot baths every day to cleanse and punish herself for his abuse of her and had been doing so for more than twenty years before coming to me. She knew she was risking her life daily doing this and her two little girls' vulnerability also. She was doing lots of other risky things – she was a passive sex victim and acted it out on skype for others to see on the internet with her husband – and she met blokes off the internet to have risky passive sex with them in all sorts of risky places.
A pupil of hers realised she had begun going to pieces and started stalking her. The Education Authority realised she was going to pieces and started wanting to get rid of her. Her husband realised she was going to pieces and started a sexual affair with her married best friend.
She used to phone me in tears from the tops of mountains all over the world, the Alps, the Pirannes, the Atlas, the Highlands of Scotland, Mount Kilimanzaro, the Himalayas, trying to get nearer to God, but said He kept rejecting her because she was unclean. So, I had to be her surrogate God to keep her alive and talk her into coming back home to keep her two little girls safe from her father, instead of dying of exposure on a mountaintop somewhere.
Her husband became blatant about his affair so she threw him out. The education authority used her stalking pupil as an excuse to force her to resign. What am I going to do she said. No husband and no job.
I said, it all started on the day your father first abused you, so, what did you want to become before that happened. She said she wanted to become a firefighter. I said, well this is your opportunity. No, she said, that’s impossible. I’m a woman and middle aged.
I knew she needed a miracle to keep her alive. And I knew she was the hardiest saint and hero I’d ever met. So I said, trust me, I’m your surrogate for God so I’m going to make you a surrogate miracle. Look in your local paper for an advert for Fire and Rescue trainees. And she did. Within a year she was a top female firefighter. Not one of your usual run-of-the-mill operatives. But an International Airports Authority qualified fire operative, the riskiest of all fire fighting roles due to the high flash point of aeroplane fuels, and teaching it to other women all of the world.
06 Aug 2017, 12:57 pm
