Confused and unsure... texting aspie girl

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Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 29 Mar 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

29 Mar 2016, 9:05 am

Hey new to this site and looking for some information and guidance as to help me understand more about women with Aspergers.
Now I'll try not to make this too long as to not bore you's, I just thought I'd try to get some info here too I have posted on reddit and got loads of information from there too which has been helpful.
If you would like to know more send me a message on here and I will send you the link to the reddit posts. I'm trying not to make this too long but to fully understand more about what I'm talking about its probably better if you guys were to read the posts I made on reddit so if you're interested in that then send me a message on here and I'll send you the link.

So I met this lady a few months ago, she is mid 30's I am male mid 20's, she would come into my work a lot always gathering things to make her little DIY projects (I work in a hardware store)
So we got talking this one day for about 45 minutes just about our interests our likes and so on.
She told me about her love for horses and I told her of my love for drawing and practicing typography. Anyways at the end of the conversation she told me that she would love to meet up and see some of my art some time, I was stoked :) so I gave her my number and we went on our way.
Few days later I get a text from her we start talking all about our interests and start texting about 4-5 times a day for a solid two weeks.
During those first few weeks, she told me that she feels that she might have Aspergers and that she is on the spectrum, now at the time I knew little about Aspergers so I thought I would do some research on it, I wanted to understand and see what life is like for her through her eyes.
We don't really talk a lot about Aspergers or autism or anything like that but she tells me about some things she struggles with at times.
Now as we are getting to know each other and everything's going really well, we decide to set up a coffee date, we didn't call it a date just coffee and lunch.
We finally decide on a date after two months of back and forth decision making lol
Anyways coffee date goes well, (to know more about this I can send you the reddit link if interested) I gave her a drawing I made for her and she liked it, I texted her a few hours after and told her how much I enjoyed hanging out with her and she told me she felt the same.
Week later...
Now this is where things start to take a turn, from going to messaging each other everyday to messaging two-four times a week to messaging once a week.

I would message her to ask her how she is and how her new job is going and she just gives a not as in depth message like she use too or she will just blatantly ignore parts of the question and not say anything about what I asked her or not text back at all.
Then I'll get a text from her a week after I've texted her and she hasn't replied to the last text but she just says "hey hope you had a great week"
That's it! no response to me asking her how she is the week before no "hey how's things? What have you been up to? like she use to ask me all the time.. Now it's just closed off conversation.
Now maybe she has just fallen out of interest with me and that could be the case.
I have a feeling she did like me but something has changed.

I feel hurt like we went from texting all the time having great conversations about anything and everything to her hardly texting anything.
I don't know if I did something to offend her or hurt her and if I did that definitely was not my intention!
Maybe she just doesn't like me like she use to, or she is just trying to push me away.
I was reading some people with Aspergers tend to push people they care about away to punish themselves and because they think that things will never work out for them with that person so they just decide to not pursue the relationship/friendship so that way no one gets hurt.. Is there any truth to that?!
I like her for her! I don't care if she has Aspergers I think she is f*****g awesome! She's sweet, caring and everything you would want in a relationship/friendship, there's never any bullshit or drama she is just REAL and that's what attracts me to her the most!!

Now I'm not sure if I should just come out and tell her that I really like her for her, and I feel hurt that we have gone from talking all the time to just talking now and then and her not replying to me when I'm genuinely interested in how she is going and what she's been up to!
I just want her to know it doesn't bother me that she has Aspergers or she is a little different.
Would it be rude of me to tell her that it doesn't bother me if she has Aspergers or is on the spectrum and that I just like her for her! And that I'm hurt she doesn't text me back like she use to?
What should I do? Do I tell her this? Should I tell her I like her and I want to hang out with her more? I don't want to lose this girl from my life but I also don't want to pressure her or make her feel uncomfortable I'm just so confused!! !
I feel if I say this that I might upset her and make her feel bad for making me feel hurt?
I don't think she is intentionally trying to hurt me, she just doesn't know what to do.
Any Advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Thank you all that have taken the time to read this!!


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Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 62,602
Location: Queens, NYC

29 Mar 2016, 9:31 am

There's nothing wrong with saying that you have a high regard for her.

I would text her, and say that you've had a good time talking to her, and that you want the correspondence to continue.

I feel she was more interested in your paintings than in you. never know!

Do it. Text her. Tell her your feelings. See what she says.


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Joined: 27 Mar 2016
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,151
Location: UK

29 Mar 2016, 10:01 am

Non-autistic women behave like this all the time too :) It could well be that she has just lost interest, it could be she has never throught of you that may (the age difference may be no biggie to you but it might be to her), it could be that she thinks maybe things aren't going fast enough, or that they were going too fast, or maybe she has found another partner so wants to break things off with you. No-one can read her mind I'm afraid, so the only way to resolve this is through communication.

If I was you I'd send her a text that isn't a big deal, no War and Peace, and don't say things like "I don't care if you have Aspergers" as that's pretty patronising, but does say explicitly and succinctly your intentions. Something like;

"Hey there, I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together and I'd be interested in going out on a proper date with you some time. It's fine if you don't want to, but let me know if you do".

Something like that anyway, now I'm no Barbara Cartland so maybe have a female friend give your intended text a once over before you send it.


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Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,692
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

29 Mar 2016, 10:24 am

Trust your gut feelings.

Honestly, this doesn't sound good.

Question: Was she the one who texted you first time? If yes, then I would say she was interested but not anymore, this sudden change in trend is often a case of loss of interest, you can feel it and it's always very noticeable.

If not, then she was never interested.

Also, there's a social conditioning that makes many women strictly not accepting dating guys younger than them.

I see it on dating profiles from all over the world. ie they typically put +1 year older and upward to certain limit; ie: woman 33 years old puts she is seeking for 34-40, so rarely to find one who would compromise even one year less.

So the lesson is, when a girl is older than you, chances are high that she won't like you; and there's quite an age gap in your case.


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Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 62,602
Location: Queens, NYC

29 Mar 2016, 1:39 pm

I've dated quite a few women who were older than me. When I was 19, I dated a 38 year old (yes, she was weird....but what the heck? LOL)

Don't totally lose hope.

It seems to me like she's acting sort of "Aspie"--like how Aspie guys sometimes act when NT women are interested in them. They become out of sorts and don't know what to make of the interest.

Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 10 Sep 2015
Age: 31
Posts: 183
Location: Los Angeles, Ca

29 Mar 2016, 8:34 pm

As an Aspie girl, I think I can answer this question pretty well. Trust me when I say it probably has nothing to do with you. I have pushed people away many times, either on purpose because I knew it was never going to work out (because it never does, and to save myself the pain) and other times subconsciously because I couldn't keep up with what was going on socially. She may be overwhelmed with the consistent amount of interaction that you wrote about. I know I'm really good at socializing in portions, but to do it consistently week after week would be daunting to me. I would want to run away and hide from the world. she might also be doing this because she feels she has nothing to offer and she knows she can't really compete with other women who are better at socializing. She might view those women as better in life in general and would not want you to see her faults in comparison so she just shies away. I remember being in a relationship with an NT guy and feeling like I had to compete with other NT women for his attention, and I just could not win. So, possibly, in her mind she has already played out how it would all go down and is saving herself the trouble.

Or, maybe she wanted to be buddy-buddy with you. I think this is a characteristic aspie women excel at. We can be really good companions and confidantes, but the minute you start "romanticizing" us in the NT way, we tend to run for the hills because it's not something we want. This could just be a guess. Personally, I have never wanted a boyfriend or husband, but just to be best friends with a guy for life, if that makes any sense. I see relationships all around me and I do not want to take part in anything that they are doing.