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cloudsarecool
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29 Mar 2016, 9:12 am

Hey new to this site and looking for some information and guidance as to help me understand more about women with Aspergers.
Now I'll try not to make this too long as to not bore you's, I just thought I'd try to get some info here too I have posted on reddit and got loads of information from there too which has been helpful.
If you would like to know more send me a message on here and I will send you the link to the reddit posts. I'm trying not to make this too long but to fully understand more about what I'm talking about its probably better if you guys were to read the posts I made on reddit so if you're interested in that then send me a message on here and I'll send you the link.

So I met this lady a few months ago, she is mid 30's I am male mid 20's, she would come into my work a lot always gathering things to make her little DIY projects (I work in a hardware store)
So we got talking this one day for about 45 minutes just about our interests our likes and so on.
She told me about her love for horses and I told her of my love for drawing and practicing typography. Anyways at the end of the conversation she told me that she would love to meet up and see some of my art some time, I was stoked :) so I gave her my number and we went on our way.
Few days later I get a text from her we start talking all about our interests and start texting about 4-5 times a day for a solid two weeks.
During those first few weeks, she told me that she feels that she might have Aspergers and that she is on the spectrum, now at the time I knew little about Aspergers so I thought I would do some research on it, I wanted to understand and see what life is like for her through her eyes.
We don't really talk a lot about Aspergers or autism or anything like that but she tells me about some things she struggles with at times.
Now as we are getting to know each other and everything's going really well, we decide to set up a coffee date, we didn't call it a date just coffee and lunch.
We finally decide on a date after two months of back and forth decision making lol
Anyways coffee date goes well, (to know more about this I can send you the reddit link if interested) I gave her a drawing I made for her and she liked it, I texted her a few hours after and told her how much I enjoyed hanging out with her and she told me she felt the same.
Week later...
Now this is where things start to take a turn, from going to messaging each other everyday to messaging two-four times a week to messaging once a week.

I would message her to ask her how she is and how her new job is going and she just gives a not as in depth message like she use too or she will just blatantly ignore parts of the question and not say anything about what I asked her or not text back at all.
Then I'll get a text from her a week after I've texted her and she hasn't replied to the last text but she just says "hey hope you had a great week"
That's it! no response to me asking her how she is the week before no "hey how's things? What have you been up to? like she use to ask me all the time.. Now it's just closed off conversation.
Now maybe she has just fallen out of interest with me and that could be the case.
I have a feeling she did like me but something has changed.

I feel hurt like we went from texting all the time having great conversations about anything and everything to her hardly texting anything.
I don't know if I did something to offend her or hurt her and if I did that definitely was not my intention!
Maybe she just doesn't like me like she use to, or she is just trying to push me away.
I was reading some people with Aspergers tend to push people they care about away to punish themselves and because they think that things will never work out for them with that person so they just decide to not pursue the relationship/friendship so that way no one gets hurt.. Is there any truth to that?!
I like her for her! I don't care if she has Aspergers I think she is f*****g awesome! She's sweet, caring and everything you would want in a relationship/friendship, there's never any bullshit or drama she is just REAL and that's what attracts me to her the most!!

Now I'm not sure if I should just come out and tell her that I really like her for her, and I feel hurt that we have gone from talking all the time to just talking now and then and her not replying to me when I'm genuinely interested in how she is going and what she's been up to!
I just want her to know it doesn't bother me that she has Aspergers or she is a little different.
Would it be rude of me to tell her that it doesn't bother me if she has Aspergers or is on the spectrum and that I just like her for her! And that I'm hurt she doesn't text me back like she use to?
What should I do? Do I tell her this? Should I tell her I like her and I want to hang out with her more? I don't want to lose this girl from my life but I also don't want to pressure her or make her feel uncomfortable I'm just so confused!! !
I feel if I say this that I might upset her and make her feel bad for making me feel hurt?
I don't think she is intentionally trying to hurt me, she just doesn't know what to do.
Any Advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Thank you all that have taken the time to read this!!



mik9
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29 Mar 2016, 11:28 am

Ohhh that's a tough question.

My first thought was that her new job might play a role in this. Starting a new job can take a lot of energy when you have aspergers (in my experience, anyway).

cloudsarecool wrote:
Should I tell her I like her and I want to hang out with her more? I don't want to lose this girl from my life but I also don't want to pressure her or make her feel uncomfortable I'm just so confused!! !
!

I think you should tell her, because there's a good chance that she isn't noticing your subtle hints, and could be unsure wether you are interested in her.



tatals
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29 Mar 2016, 1:21 pm

[To be fair, I didn't read every word of your post, just the general information, so forgive me for any misreadings.]

I've been in her shoes before, more than once. So I'll try to give you my perspective.

I'm definitely not social. I like to hang out with some people whom I feel comfortable with, but I have my own time. So, sometimes, when a guy is interested, it's very common for him to press me a lot to go out and spend time together. And this just doesn't work for me, especially in the first stages of the relationship. And so I always end up losing interest because I feel overwhelmed by all the expectations.

She may feel that things are going to fast. Make sure that she knows you can give her space when she needs it and stay away. Let her come to you when she feels comfortable.

I wish you all the luck!



ArielsSong
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29 Mar 2016, 1:44 pm

I agree with tatals, in that she may be feeling the pressure of being social.

Another thing is that she may simply be losing track of the conversation. I am useless at initiating conversation and unless you catch me at just the right moment, you're going to struggle to get a reply. I look at texts/FB messages and if I'm busy I think 'I'll get to that later', and I do genuinely want to and mean to, but I just forget and the next thing you know days have gone by and I have to initiate all over again, or wait for someone else to re-initiate the conversation. I can also tell people that I want to meet up with them again 'very soon' and that I'll go home and check my calendar, and I genuinely mean to, but we're suddenly a month down the line and I've forgotten to get in touch or arrange anything, and then when they finally initiate again, we meet up and I make the same 'we don't do this often enough, I'll sort something out' claims, which (as you can probably guess) lead to nothing...

And it really isn't that I don't want to meet up. And it isn't that I don't care. These are people I really enjoy being with - good friends that I want to spend time with - but I am just absolutely useless at initiating conversation or remembering to start talking to someone.

The only time anything gets sorted out with me around is when I'm sitting with my laptop in front of me, I have absolutely nothing else to distract me and I get sent a message at just the right time and can respond immediately.

Which reminds me, I met up with a friend on Saturday and I promised I'd message her to arrange another meeting as soon as I got home, so thanks for the prompt!



Micmacs
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29 Mar 2016, 1:52 pm

As a guy *with* Aspergers, who's tried my luck in the dating scene before...
It, uh, might not have to do with the Aspergers. I've had the same experience a few times with girls, where we seem to hit it off and then they stop/slow communication until we're no longer in contact. To my best guess, it's a way to politely and safely break off contact.
(I would much prefer a more direct approach, but I can see why they'd want to do it this way. Being direct with someone who might be a closeted as*hole might have bad side effects, and it's reasonable to be cautious when you aren't sure.)



Dwarvyn
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30 Mar 2016, 6:22 am

She could be scared; if she's never been this deep into a relationship before and doesn't have the experience to draw on, she could be withdrawing because she doesn't know what comes next. On the other hand, if she has been this deep in a relationship before and it's always ended badly, she could be trying to protect herself.

She could be burning out; texting multiple times a day may have been a large effort to do that much socializing, and it's taking its toll.

New jobs are hard. If she's having to do a lot of socializing there, even if it's just figuring out the new people she has to deal with now, or if it's draining for other reasons, that can affect the amount of energy she has for socializing outside that sphere.

It's possible she's worried that she's come on too strong initially and is dialling back now so that she doesn't bother you too much. There's tons of 'articles' out there in girl and women magazines about how much and in what way you should interact with a potential partner; if she took one of them to heart...

Maybe she's started some new meds that are affecting her energy levels or personality.

Maybe her grandmother died.

Maybe her brother just rolled into town and is sleeping on her couch and is totally screwing with her recharge time when she's at home, and so she doesn't get her energy back to deal with day-to-day things.

Maybe she was abducted by aliens, and she's been replaced by a robot replica of her former self so no one gets suspicious.

Maybe her phone isn't working very well right now.

On the other hand...

Maybe she's just not into you.
Maybe she met someone else.
Maybe she doesn't actually have ASD, but since she thinks she does she's behaving socially in a way that she thinks is appropriate for one with the disorder.

The only way to know is to ask.