no relationships, all dating attempts failed, what to do

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ItsJustaDream
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 31 Mar 2016
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

31 Mar 2016, 9:55 pm

Hello,

I am 19 year old male and diagnosed with Aspergers by a Specialist.

The main problem for me is the lack of social skills.

That is the reason for my lack of friends und relationships.

I dont know anything about what to do in social situations.

That starts with chatting/talking, goes on to eye contact/body language and so on.

In school, I was always standing alone in the breaks.

For a long time, I didnt know what was wrong.

Then the diagnosis came and brought clarity.

As I got older, my desire for contact with people my age came up.

I went 2 years to a therapist, it didnt help anything.

Also I went to social training groups in an autism center, it also didnt teach me anything.

Now I want to say, that I find it strange that sometimes when an aspie brings up such issues, especially related to having a relationship, some people claim that aspergers wouldnt have anything to do with the difficulty, which is so deeply wrong und disrespectful.
This comes from people who have no clue about aspergers.

I have made countless of effort and tries to build friendships (boys and girls) and relationships (girls), it always failed for the reason I stated.

There were even cases when for example a girl in the school came to me and expressed her interest in me, or some boys spoke to me.

And beyond that, there were alot of cases where someone wanted contact with me and I wanted it likewise, but because of my lack of social skills, it didnt work.

I have tried everything: Dating apps, snapchat, instagram, facebook, talking to people on the street.

I have spent endless hours thinking about social situations and how to handle them.

I still dont know how to have a conversation with a peer, regardless if its a boy or a girl.

As I said, this is for me not just a about relationships, its even more about friendships that I wish to have.

The only thing I know now is to say "Hi" and "how are you?".

Then I learned that I should get some topics ready.

So I tried to talk about school and family.

That brought mediocre results, like some seconds of chatting and then it was over again.

I still dont even know how to meet with someone or how to behave then.

In 2013/2014 when I went to a new school, a few boys and girls noticed I am lonely and talked to me.

A girl in my class choose me when we had to go into the city to collect some information for the school project.

This was the first time I was in the city with a girl.

But the issue was, while we were going trough the city, it was silent all the time.

Its not that I am shy or something, I really dont know what to say.

And even when I think about it now, I still dont know what I could say while in city with a girl or a boy or whatever.

Its really like my head is empty when it comes to this subject.

I dont know what to say or how behave. Obviously, it cant work as long as its that way.

The only thing that worked for me was when I made compliments to some girls.
Some said that I was really cute.
But then again I didnt know anything else, so as soon as I couldnt write compliments the whole day anymore, the contact was gone.

To one girl I had "contact" for 1 1/2 years. We never met even though she lives in the same city.
She even cald me her dream man because she found I am nice and cute.

But basically our "conversations" were: Good morning, then compliments, then good night and alot of hearts :heart: .

I also havent phoned with her or anyone else yet because obviously, thats the same issue. I wouldnt even know how to make a phone call with a peer for atleast a minute.

Thats why I actually had more "contact" with girls than boys, because I cant make compliments to boys obviously.

My only contacts in WhatsApp except for my family are 2 boys that are 14/15 years old.
Both talked to me in school at the end of 2013 because they wanted to help me as they saw I was lonely.
To one of them I have no contact for the stated reasons.

The 14 year old boy is the only one i daily chat with.
Now you might think, well there you go it works.

But no.

I often helped him with money (his phone was damaged, i bought him a new, or money for xbox games...).
Though he isnt someone who abuses me for it, sadly thats what mostly keept us "together" because I am not able to hold friendships the usual way.

I would call him my best friend but still its not a friendship in normal standards because of lack of meetings/activities and lack of proper communication.

He stays with me also because he is nice and knows that I have noone.

Even after all of those fails, I still dont know anything.

I would love to do alot of things with peers, but I dont know what how where when...

and obviously meeting someone isnt nice when there will be silence the whole time.

I wish I didnt have Aspergers.

All of that stuff like "social skills can be learned by failing" "social skills can be learned by breaking it up in pieces" whatever is BS.

And no, I dont have depression.

I have a lack of social skills. That is, by the way, a criteria for diagnosing Aspergers, in case you didnt know.

Obviously its not worth making more tries after 100% fails with like hundreds of people.

So obviously I never experienced a kiss or even more than that.

But no, I dont just want sex.
I really want love and to spend time with a nice girl.
To share my life with her.
To kiss and cuddle and at someday more, with her.

Now what?

Am I doomed to be forever alone?

And I think by the way that my looks is alright, just in case someone wanted to jump on the "low self esteem" bandwagon. No, I dont have low self esteem, I have a lack of social skills and therefore fail to make contact with people. And as I said, I am not shy, I simply dont know what to say anyone or what to do.

I am eager to hear about your suggestions and whatever.

Thanks in advance.



Elfwink
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 17 Sep 2015
Age: 35
Posts: 88

02 Apr 2016, 9:50 pm

You can always practice and learn social skills. You can even start here on this forum.

Are there any people you interact with regularly? Coffee shop? Food shop? Teacher? Etc.


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Nocturnus
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jun 2015
Posts: 354
Location: England

03 Apr 2016, 12:35 am

There are many books and courses out there aimed at developing social skills, Udemy and Amazon offer a large library of books and videos devoted to the topic.

Udemy offer video and audio courses on the development of social skills, they offer practical tuition on how to become a better communicator.
https://www.udemy.com/socialskills/

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Int ... 0141029196