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cavernio
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23 May 2016, 8:05 pm

beakybird wrote:
Back at my parents here now a little over a week. What a blow to my pride all of this has been. While I've struggled to get by most of my adult life, I mostly was able to do it free from any help from my parents. Now living in a guest bedroom in my parents house as my life is falling apart at 38 is soul crushing.

Luckily, so far they've been really supportive, which has been helpful. Finally having disclosed my health issues to them has taken weight off my chest quite a bit. Also I can finally start paying for medical stuff, and it turns out I probably have a problem with a heart valve, which explains why I can't do anything these last few years and have been so irritable. I also have a breathing obstruction. So I wasn't just being hard to deal with, I was really dealing with actual health things.

But trying to face health fears alone, while dealing with rejection when I'm already prone to being suicidal and get horrible separation anxiety is not easy. It seems like I have no future. And my past has been waste. It's like 15 years have passed and nothings changed, just a different house. I'm in the same place I was, except more scarred emotionally and less healthy.

My wife started to text me, even though we are supposed to be separated for a month and not have any contact not directly related to some apartment detail or bill. But she got me going Friday night when I was drunk here and we had a really nice conversation well into saturday. And I started getting way too hopeful, then she jokingly said to come over for breakfast and I got all happy thinking she was serious and wanted to see me, but then said she waasn't and things got awkward again.

I should know better. She has nobody really to talk to. And I know her so well. And I can't let someone just be sad by themselves. But she's just looking for a buddy right now and I don't think sees me anymore as a husband. So these conversations don't mean the same to her as they do to me, so I need to try and avoid it but I can't because I'm lonely.

unrelated rant I suppose.


You seem to be in a similar situation to me. I think it highly, highly likely end up moving back in with my parents within the next year, as soon as the next month. I struggle with wanting to be on my own and be productive but I'm on disability right now. (I've been in your shoes though, trying to find meaningful work for most of my life.) And I'm still pining over my ex. I've been often suicidal, a few attempts, depression. Health isn't great but I've just generally 'blah' feeling, could be my celiac disease related.


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beakybird
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25 May 2016, 6:24 am

cavernio wrote:
beakybird wrote:
Back at my parents here now a little over a week. What a blow to my pride all of this has been. While I've struggled to get by most of my adult life, I mostly was able to do it free from any help from my parents. Now living in a guest bedroom in my parents house as my life is falling apart at 38 is soul crushing.

Luckily, so far they've been really supportive, which has been helpful. Finally having disclosed my health issues to them has taken weight off my chest quite a bit. Also I can finally start paying for medical stuff, and it turns out I probably have a problem with a heart valve, which explains why I can't do anything these last few years and have been so irritable. I also have a breathing obstruction. So I wasn't just being hard to deal with, I was really dealing with actual health things.

But trying to face health fears alone, while dealing with rejection when I'm already prone to being suicidal and get horrible separation anxiety is not easy. It seems like I have no future. And my past has been waste. It's like 15 years have passed and nothings changed, just a different house. I'm in the same place I was, except more scarred emotionally and less healthy.

My wife started to text me, even though we are supposed to be separated for a month and not have any contact not directly related to some apartment detail or bill. But she got me going Friday night when I was drunk here and we had a really nice conversation well into saturday. And I started getting way too hopeful, then she jokingly said to come over for breakfast and I got all happy thinking she was serious and wanted to see me, but then said she waasn't and things got awkward again.

I should know better. She has nobody really to talk to. And I know her so well. And I can't let someone just be sad by themselves. But she's just looking for a buddy right now and I don't think sees me anymore as a husband. So these conversations don't mean the same to her as they do to me, so I need to try and avoid it but I can't because I'm lonely.

unrelated rant I suppose.


You seem to be in a similar situation to me. I think it highly, highly likely end up moving back in with my parents within the next year, as soon as the next month. I struggle with wanting to be on my own and be productive but I'm on disability right now. (I've been in your shoes though, trying to find meaningful work for most of my life.) And I'm still pining over my ex. I've been often suicidal, a few attempts, depression. Health isn't great but I've just generally 'blah' feeling, could be my celiac disease related.


Yeah, sounds similar for sure. I'm trying as hard as I can to remain positive, but it;t not easy. Today I may be positive, and tomorrow suicidal. I feel like I'm a teenager again (in the not so fun ways) living back here. Luckily my parents now live in a different town than the one I grew up in or I'd be in a much worse place having all those flashbacks and seeing how little my life's been worth. It's not easy to accept the idea that you can't care for yourself properly. But I can't. I can, so long as things are going ok in my life and I have adequate income to take care of my expenses. As soon as I start getting stressed too bad, particularly over money now my my health is bad (healthcare crazy expensive here, just paid 800 bucks for two lousy tests), I start to neglect everything. Our apartment was in disgraceful condition. Things hadn't been cleaned in months, clothes just shifted from pile to pile and never put away, parrot s**t all over cuz we didn't clean it up, and it just spirals out. Can't expect to be able to get through life stress-free, so it's frustrating. But, gotta try to remain as positive as I can, because it's self-doubt, anxiety and negativity that got me in this rut in my life. So I'm making more of a conscious effort to keep as up as I can. I usually feed my depression by getting f****d up and listening to angry and/or sad music while writing abotu how shitty my life has been and feeling overall sorry for myself. This is not happening this time...

There can be benefits to moving home. Take the pressure off of your mind for a minute and regroup. I know I'm trying to get s**t sorted out I haven't been able to due to all the chaos going on in your mind. It's fairly common for people in their 30s to have to move home for a bit, especially after a breakup where you lived with someone and needed that income to pay the bills. So if you gotta move, try to view it as an opportunity,and a temporary state until you find out what the next chapter is. That's what I'm trying to do.

Gotta imagine Celiac's isn't easy to manage when your stressed. The temptation and ease of just eating whatever, out of not caring, or seeking comfort or whatever is so present in times of sadness. I know my wife/ex/not sure yet/goddamit found out through dieting that she was likely gluten intolerant. I know what a pain in the @ss having to find GF meals can be. And so expensive. And being full on Celiacs, you prolly even have to watch for stuff like soup cuz they sneak gluten in all that s**t. Well, living at home will free up more money to buy better foods to keep that in check I guess...

Anyway, thanks for responding. Good luck with your shit-storm.



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26 May 2016, 5:46 am

I'm nomadic, so I suppose it doesn't hold the same gravity as someone settled who officially moved out and got a home loan and a marriage and so on (aka a real adult life) then had to move back in with their parents due to problems, and saw this as a sort of regression. In that scenario, "moving out" is supposed to be permanent, I infer. For a nomad, nothing is ever permanent.
I might drop in on my parents for a few days, or a few months, between jobs, flats, houses, towns, studies, road stints, shelters, etc.
I'm actually heading out that way soonish, most likely, unless something better comes up. I prefer only to stay for short periods of time. Our relationship is cordial, but not close. Ironically, despite how difficult they are and how difficult I am according to them, I get the impression they like me staying there. They consider my lifestyle to be dangerous, and thus, staying with them I'm not out there in the wild doing anything more dangerous than that.


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beakybird
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26 May 2016, 6:13 am

C2V wrote:
I'm nomadic, so I suppose it doesn't hold the same gravity as someone settled who officially moved out and got a home loan and a marriage and so on (aka a real adult life) then had to move back in with their parents due to problems, and saw this as a sort of regression. In that scenario, "moving out" is supposed to be permanent, I infer. For a nomad, nothing is ever permanent.
I might drop in on my parents for a few days, or a few months, between jobs, flats, houses, towns, studies, road stints, shelters, etc.
I'm actually heading out that way soonish, most likely, unless something better comes up. I prefer only to stay for short periods of time. Our relationship is cordial, but not close. Ironically, despite how difficult they are and how difficult I am according to them, I get the impression they like me staying there. They consider my lifestyle to be dangerous, and thus, staying with them I'm not out there in the wild doing anything more dangerous than that.


Such a lifestyle would give me tremendous anxiety. I hate being away from home more than a few days. I need my routines. I mean, I'm still driving a half hour to go to the supermarket I used to because I know where everything is and trying to learn a new supermarket is instant panic attack. I will eventually have to, but I have to make sure I can burn an entire day, cuz once I'm done I'm gonna sleep for a day.

Good for you if you enjoy this, I mean just seems like madness to me. I struggle with organization, planning and follow through on things as it is, that'd mess me all up pretty bad.



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28 May 2016, 9:47 am

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Such a lifestyle would give me tremendous anxiety. I hate being away from home more than a few days. I need my routines. I mean, I'm still driving a half hour to go to the supermarket I used to because I know where everything is and trying to learn a new supermarket is instant panic attack. I will eventually have to, but I have to make sure I can burn an entire day, cuz once I'm done I'm gonna sleep for a day.

Good for you if you enjoy this, I mean just seems like madness to me. I struggle with organization, planning and follow through on things as it is, that'd mess me all up pretty bad.

I find this interesting too, and people often misunderstand this. They see this as the antithesis of all things autistic as I imagine you do. But I see it as this on steroids - because I can't deal with ambivalence either, and this is a system. It may look chaotic, but it means that no matter where I go, in any country on earth, in any weather, for any reason, for any length of time (just about) no matter who does what to me, no matter what state I am in, I will have everything I need, exactly as I need it. I have everything I own with me, pared down to a precision minimum, everything with multiple purposes. No doubt or fear. I don't need to try to desperately control my surroundings and freak out when they ultimately change anyway, because no matter what, so long as I have it and apply it, the system persists. The flux of everything else around it doesn't matter.
For me, it would be more stressful knowing that my only structure is rigid, and if anything happened to any part of it as is far too easy to have happen, it would affect me that much.


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beakybird
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30 May 2016, 6:53 pm

C2V wrote:
Quote:
Such a lifestyle would give me tremendous anxiety. I hate being away from home more than a few days. I need my routines. I mean, I'm still driving a half hour to go to the supermarket I used to because I know where everything is and trying to learn a new supermarket is instant panic attack. I will eventually have to, but I have to make sure I can burn an entire day, cuz once I'm done I'm gonna sleep for a day.

Good for you if you enjoy this, I mean just seems like madness to me. I struggle with organization, planning and follow through on things as it is, that'd mess me all up pretty bad.

I find this interesting too, and people often misunderstand this. They see this as the antithesis of all things autistic as I imagine you do. But I see it as this on steroids - because I can't deal with ambivalence either, and this is a system. It may look chaotic, but it means that no matter where I go, in any country on earth, in any weather, for any reason, for any length of time (just about) no matter who does what to me, no matter what state I am in, I will have everything I need, exactly as I need it. I have everything I own with me, pared down to a precision minimum, everything with multiple purposes. No doubt or fear. I don't need to try to desperately control my surroundings and freak out when they ultimately change anyway, because no matter what, so long as I have it and apply it, the system persists. The flux of everything else around it doesn't matter.
For me, it would be more stressful knowing that my only structure is rigid, and if anything happened to any part of it as is far too easy to have happen, it would affect me that much.


Thats a really good explanation. I totally could see where that simplicity could provide a security in itself. Embracing chaos instead of using every ounce of strength to fight it. I couldn't do it, nor would want to, but it's not as crazy as it first sounded



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05 Sep 2016, 2:48 pm

cavernio wrote:
No, but I am considering the possibility right now.

I am not diagnosed, I might not have an ASD. My dad I'm certain has one though, and I am drawn to those who do. What I do have is a slew of mental health issues that cropped up when I left home to go to university. I managed to finish a degree, I don't know how I did as I couldn't do that sort of thing now, but then I moved back home instead of getting a job. I had wanted to do a masters but I'd failed at doing an undergrad thesis due to depression so it wasn't an option.

I reconnected with a highschool friends and married him, hiding from myself the truth that I just could not manage being alone. Then I fell in love and left him, that relationship has failed, and here is where I'm at. I'm on disability, but I'm barely looking after myself. Dishes everywhere, I spend most of my time in bed, I hardly have friends.

I am not worse when I force myself to do things though, it helps me but then again it seems to me I might only do things when I might be hypomanic.

My parents have only very recently started to be kind to me. I still do not reach out to them, I have never opened up to them about anything emotionally ever in my life, although we are now talking everyday since my breakup has caused me to go over the edge mentally.

For me, having a job would be good if I could go there and not have emotional breakdowns because I am so unmotivated I do not otherwise occupy my mind. I only ever pick up activities and things that other people do, I don't know what I like to do. I don't try new things and when I do I can't get into them.

I'm probably not AS but it sounds like your decision might be right for you. Is there government financial support you can get?


Wow. Ok. I knew someone else had posted about this. I'll repost my independent post (that I deleted):


I'm 32 and for the past 10 years lived independently. It was a struggle to complete my B.A., but when I did I started moving forward. I even became a flight attendant, for 6 years, by some miracle. Then, financial things started crashing down on me, work got more demanding, and I felt like a total failure for losing every relationship (romantic and platonic) that I'd worked so hard to build.

I ran home to mother (and father).

It's become increasingly anxiety-inducing, thinking I'll be stuck here forever. I know they mean well, I know they want me to be independent, but I just... start having these thoughts, and I cry, and I'm ashamed I'm crying, and people tell me it's "a lot of people your age." "It's the economy." "You're lucky you have your parents."

But it's not. I'm surrounded by successful people YOUNGER than me. I just want to scream--only I don't like screaming, because it's loud. I'll be at my barn (I'm a horse owner) and one of the girls will invite everyone to lunch, except me, and I break down crying on the car ride home. Then I have no moment of peace, because my mom will know something is wrong.

She thinks I'm unstable. Dad tells me "things like this is why no one likes you." I've heard it so much that I'm beginning to believe it. Is there a way out? Do I just need to get some job, no matter how much it pains me, and live in a horrible little hole in the wall place, alone and afraid? Where do adults go for this kind of help? It's really becoming an issue and I just feel like I'm drawing a blank. I don't want them to have to pay for me anymore, but independence seems unlikely.

--

OP, you and I could be twins. I was very excited to go home when things got tough. I hope it works out for you. The only issue I've really encountered is meeting people outside. Make sure to GO OUTSIDE and TRY. It's easy to "give up" when you go home. But once your parents are gone, what will you have? That's their concern AND should be yours/mine. I guess, when you get down about it, come here to chat. Otherwise, keep moving forward!



techstepgenr8tion
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03 Oct 2016, 9:28 pm

I'll be 37 in a few months and yeah, back at home - I've been back maybe a year and a half and don't know how much there's really a point in moving out. I help out with things they need, I try to cover my portion of their costs, but I also realize that even with a college degree and working in the professional world - I'm one of those people whose been trying to find a tolerable job, has been temping for three years now, mostly hovering around $20 an hour (in the US your mileage can vary with that, suffice to say it's not a thriving wage if you're trying to go it alone financially). One positive note is that I'm changing career paths toward something that doesn't stress me out nearly as much as where I was at, my only concern is that the new career path I'm considering might have looked a lot more promising from the outside and a lot of what I wanted to do may or may not really be there as an opportunity (ie. going from accounting to IT - wanted to see a lot more scripting and programming).

I think all you can really do is compare your life to yourself and ask yourself if it's right-sized considering your own limitations, how much you can put in before it starts seriously degrading your quality of life, and needless to say the opportunities that either come your way or don't will play a huge part. While its difficult to ever really stop comparing yourself to other people completely you have to remember - you didn't live the same life as they did, whether they came out past you or behind you.


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04 Oct 2016, 6:26 am

Youre right about all you say there... its just hard to swallow ones pride. For me it is at least.