Obsessed with wanting a relationship

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lymerence
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09 Apr 2016, 10:36 am

Hey guys, I'm 16, I need to vent. My entire life I wanted nothing more than a beautiful girlfriend. Constantly I liked girls but got rejected every time, but I got obsessed with the girls, so much so that a couple of years ago I had to be taken out of school for six months. It's not the "stalker" kind of obsession, but like the "she is the only thing that can decide my mood" kind of obsession. I've only ever gotten over people because I've moved onto another.

A month and a half ago, I started talking to a very beautiful girl, and after a couple of weeks we both admitted we liked each other. She said she didn't want to consider it a relationship, I guess I should have really taken that as a red flag, but I was just too happy to be pessimistic. It started off great, we skyped constantly but one day she posted on her snapchat saying "I miss you soulmate, please come back to me".

I found out she was talking about her abusive ex who she's left and got back together with many times, who said six times that he'd kill himself if she ever left. He also says stuff like she doesn't have the right to be romantic with anyone else and stopped her from talking to her female best friend for a month because they had a drunken kiss. He also said that if they ever break up, he won't be losing her, she'll be losing him.

Now, without telling me, they're back together. Literally everyone who knows them says he's manipulative and psychopathic and controlling, despite the fact that everyone also said that I'm the only guy who's treated her right. She told me multiple times that he treated her badly and that she hated him.

I found out because he messaged me, calling me a f****t, a weird a** motherf**ker, and an insignificant piece of s**t.

I told her everything he said to me and showed screenshots but she's now adamant that he's not a dick. I did everything to treat her right but she ultimately would rather have been with that subhuman piece of s**t. I was so happy with her, but now she's done to me what he did to her and she didn't even tell me. There's nothing I can do to get her back. I told her I'd be there if anything happened between them, because I know he'll end up hurting her again, but I doubt she'll appreciate everything I've done for her to boost her low self esteem. Despite saying I'm the only one she wants, apparently she's like that to anyone who shows her any affection. I feel so cheated because she told me I was the most important person to her, and she wanted nobody else, and I brightened her day.

I don't care if she didn't show me much affection, I just wanted her to feel good. But stuff like this happens whenever I like a girl and I end up doing nothing but pining over them until I find someone new. The only advice that makes me feel good is when I'm given hope of being back with the problematic girl. I don't enjoy friends or family, and at the same time I don't want to not focus on girls because nothing makes me feel good other than being appreciated by a beautiful girl.



rdos
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09 Apr 2016, 11:39 am

No problem with your method, you only need to improve it so you only obsess when there is mutual interest.



AR15000
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09 Apr 2016, 12:15 pm

lymerence wrote:
Hey guys, I'm 16, I need to vent. My entire life I wanted nothing more than a beautiful girlfriend. Constantly I liked girls but got rejected every time, but I got obsessed with the girls, so much so that a couple of years ago I had to be taken out of school for six months. It's not the "stalker" kind of obsession, but like the "she is the only thing that can decide my mood" kind of obsession. I've only ever gotten over people because I've moved onto another.

A month and a half ago, I started talking to a very beautiful girl, and after a couple of weeks we both admitted we liked each other. She said she didn't want to consider it a relationship, I guess I should have really taken that as a red flag, but I was just too happy to be pessimistic. It started off great, we skyped constantly but one day she posted on her snapchat saying "I miss you soulmate, please come back to me".

I found out she was talking about her abusive ex who she's left and got back together with many times, who said six times that he'd kill himself if she ever left. He also says stuff like she doesn't have the right to be romantic with anyone else and stopped her from talking to her female best friend for a month because they had a drunken kiss. He also said that if they ever break up, he won't be losing her, she'll be losing him.

Now, without telling me, they're back together. Literally everyone who knows them says he's manipulative and psychopathic and controlling, despite the fact that everyone also said that I'm the only guy who's treated her right. She told me multiple times that he treated her badly and that she hated him.

I found out because he messaged me, calling me a f****t, a weird a** motherf**ker, and an insignificant piece of s**t.

I told her everything he said to me and showed screenshots but she's now adamant that he's not a dick. I did everything to treat her right but she ultimately would rather have been with that subhuman piece of s**t. I was so happy with her, but now she's done to me what he did to her and she didn't even tell me. There's nothing I can do to get her back. I told her I'd be there if anything happened between them, because I know he'll end up hurting her again, but I doubt she'll appreciate everything I've done for her to boost her low self esteem. Despite saying I'm the only one she wants, apparently she's like that to anyone who shows her any affection. I feel so cheated because she told me I was the most important person to her, and she wanted nobody else, and I brightened her day.

I don't care if she didn't show me much affection, I just wanted her to feel good. But stuff like this happens whenever I like a girl and I end up doing nothing but pining over them until I find someone new. The only advice that makes me feel good is when I'm given hope of being back with the problematic girl. I don't enjoy friends or family, and at the same time I don't want to not focus on girls because nothing makes me feel good other than being appreciated by a beautiful girl.



This is TOTALLY normal and age appropriate. However, don't put girls on a pedestal.



lymerence
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09 Apr 2016, 5:36 pm

I'd just do anything to be in a relationship with the right person. It's literally all I can think about. The problem is, I don't actually know anybody. No one at school interests me and I don't know where to go or what to do to meet people. I just don't want to wait much longer.



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09 Apr 2016, 6:22 pm

Your music is ace lymerence, you have talent. :)

Maybe that could be a way to meet people.

The only advice is don't put people on a pedestal. For one it is not realistic, you are being unfair on them if they are worth it, and if not it is a waste of time.



AR15000
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09 Apr 2016, 7:20 pm

lymerence wrote:
I'd just do anything to be in a relationship with the right person.




That's your problem right there(bold text). You're young, clueless, horny, and have no self-esteem. I know cuz I was pretty much the same way when I was your age! :lol:

You're obsessed and you're also really desperate. I say wait a few years....After you graduate from HS it really becomes a bit easier to meet people and you can legally have sex with them.



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09 Apr 2016, 10:54 pm

This is perfectly normal and extremely common among both male and female teenagers.

However you have to keep your standards and can not let yourself become desperate for anyone who would make you even slightly happy, but should date the right person for you.

There is the advice to 'stop looking for love' and 'work on your own life first'.

This advice is usually bullsh*t and only applies to people with a lot of friends and a bigger social circle, as this means they can be meeting new acqaintances and friends frequently until they find the person that they are compatible with.

However, working on your own life can help to make you feel a bit better about being alone, and occupying your time with hobbies and interests is far more productive than sitting around moping.

I personally spend a great deal of my time on my hobbies and interests, hang out weekly with a special group for people with disabilities, volunteer work 1-2 days a week, I eat extremely healthy and exercise, and get plenty of sleep, i meditate, use a variety of aromatherapy techniques, and always self-educating in a variety of topics.

I however am a high school graduate and don't have the burden of pointless school work on my shoulder, so I can understand how school might be taking up a big deal of your schedule.

"After you graduate from HS it really becomes a bit easier to meet people and you can legally have sex with them."

Ahem. When does that happen?

If anything it's widely agreed upon that it is harder to meet people after high school, as you don't have that forced exposure anymore.

Not everyone's attending unversity right now or has a job, and even if you work many of us prefer to just do our work instead of chit-chatting away. I am the youngest volunteer where I am.

That's a problem that frequently happens to me - the disability hangout group is also comprised of much older adults, but they're all pretty cool people.

And it can be hard to find 'clubs and groups for your interests', especially as aspies.

I guess, it may be easier to meet better people after high school, as high school is just 99% terrible, but you meet people far more sporadically unless you have the networking and enoguh exposure to people to make connections.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it for Lymerance - meeting others after HS requires maximum effort, and anything less will just mean you can remain alone for several years.



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10 Apr 2016, 6:23 am

AR15000 wrote:
You're obsessed and you're also really desperate. I say wait a few years....After you graduate from HS it really becomes a bit easier to meet people and you can legally have sex with them.


He is above the age of consent in the UK.



rdos
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10 Apr 2016, 6:41 am

AR15000 wrote:
You're obsessed and you're also really desperate. I say wait a few years....After you graduate from HS it really becomes a bit easier to meet people and you can legally have sex with them.


To the contrary. Schools provide good places to meet girls even if you have trouble with initial contact, something that gets much harder once you quit school. So I'm unsure which places you mean where it (for an Aspie) will be easier to meet girls after HS.



lymerence
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10 Apr 2016, 2:34 pm

I just want to have this girl back tbh, thinking about everything that's happened makes me feel sick. I haven't had an appetite for a week.



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10 Apr 2016, 6:01 pm

lymerence wrote:
I just want to have this girl back tbh, thinking about everything that's happened makes me feel sick. I haven't had an appetite for a week.


Why? She wants to be with that guy, then you are wasting your time there. She is not worth it.



lymerence
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10 Apr 2016, 6:40 pm

It's just that the only thing that makes me want to leave the house is the concept of meeting a girl. Even if I go out to gig, I'd still have ulterior motives. The only way I can get over people is finding someone better. It just seems so far away before I can meet anyone. I consider myself semi-decent at attracting people I like, but only online when I don't know them beforehand. The problem is actually finding people. I feel like I'll need to go out of the house to the same places constantly over and over again just to even find someone who seems a little attractive, but I need to make sure they're the right person for me too. My life feels empty when I'm not focusing on being attracted to a girl. I don't really feel like I need to work on myself much other than leaving the house more, but whenever I've even had a little glimmer of hope that I've got someone I like to like me back, it makes me feel way more confident, alive and happy. One day I know I'll get there but I feel like i need to find the right person soon.



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10 Apr 2016, 7:22 pm

If you just concentrate on working on yourself you will have the means and confidence to get a girl you like.

Women can probably read how desperate and needy you are for a girlfriend and it turns them off, the girl you like went with the bad boy because
He probably doesn't seem desperate or needy.

He is psycho manipulative and controlling, well he must have something going for him, psychopaths are well known to be charming.
If you are not particularly charming you don't really stand a chance with most women unless you have something really interesting going on in your life.



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11 Apr 2016, 3:17 am

"It's just that the only thing that makes me want to leave the house is the concept of meeting a girl. Even if I go out to gig, I'd still have ulterior motives."

I know that feeling, and it's hard to overcome. I'd say there's actually nothing wrong with it, as long as it's not your primary motive, but takes a backseat to whatever else it is your doing.

I personally don't get out much but I enjoy swimming at the local pool and take it very seriously (practice lapping and intense speed) so trying to have some high-intensity swimming takes priority over meeting some girl.

If you find serious interests to do outdoors, it may just take relationships off your mind at least for a few brief moments, as the stimulation (being outdoors, people, etc.) plus your interest can distract you well enough.

Hanging out with friends is also a good way to get it off your mind. Do you have many outside of school friends (I don't have any that live near me unfortunately).

Going to watch a movie with family or whatever is one thing and relatively casual, but a sport or other serious hobby outdoors requires far more concentration, and if you're a musician, that just may be the answer.

"The only way I can get over people is finding someone better. It just seems so far away before I can meet anyone."

Nowhere near as far away as you might think. In high school, a girl developing a crush on you can sometimes be rare, especially if you aren't extremely popular and centre of attention, but by just being the best person you can be, you should be able to attract somebody from school.

I made no effort in the past and from 8th grade to 11th at least 4, possibly 4 had crushes on me. 12th grade was when I started to improve as a person, and that's the year one girl had a crush, I got my first gf, and then my second.

In the meantime, try to learn the signs of when a girl has a crush on you in the real-world, so that when it happens and you are interested back, go for it.

"I consider myself semi-decent at attracting people I like, but only online when I don't know them beforehand."

What do you mean by this? You're good at talking to people online. That's normal, but how's your real-life girl talking skills?

"The problem is actually finding people. I feel like I'll need to go out of the house to the same places constantly over and over again just to even find someone who seems a little attractive, but I need to make sure they're the right person for me too."

All too true...

"My life feels empty when I'm not focusing on being attracted to a girl. I don't really feel like I need to work on myself..."

How can you feel the need not to work on yourself if your life feels so empty?

Look, I get where you're coming from - some people say you should 'stop finding love' and 'work on your own life first' and to 'be happy' being single.

I find this to be bullsh*t.

I've worked hard in all other areas of my life to be happy, but still feel unfulfilled in just one way - social life.

And what is the one, absolute, unquestionable answer to feeling alone and uncared for? A good friendship, relationship, or spending more time with family, of course!

I say learn to value all kinds of love, and don't ignore or believe a life without any of them is worth living.

What I mean is, by working on yourself, instead of being, say, 50% fulfilled and satisfied with your life and desperately wanting love, you could be 80% satisfied and still wanting friendship or love. That's slightly better, but worth it.

Or would you say you are at that 80%? From your wording (saying life feels empty, yet claiming you don't feel the need to work on other areas of your life) it doesn't make me think that.


"leaving the house more, but whenever I've even had a little glimmer of hope that I've got someone I like to like me back, it makes me feel way more confident, alive and happy."

Hell yes. Being in a relationship makes you feel so much more alive. Screw the people who say a relationship 'won't make you any happier, you've got to already be happy first'.

I found it made me slightly happier all the time. Didn't change my life, but there was a clear difference. It's the same feeling one gets when making a new (good) friend, but about 2x as strong. :lol:

"One day I know I'll get there but I feel like i need to find the right person soon."

Why?

"If you just concentrate on working on yourself you will have the means and confidence to get a girl you like."

Not really. Confidence is useful, but only gets you so far. I'm extremely confident and have a good self-esteem the vast majority of the time, but it's practically useless unless you actually have opportunities to use this confidence.

I could approach a female perfectly fine if interested, but I prefer to wait until one shows interest in me first.

I don't expect girls to approach, but at least give me some sort of sign - looking at me, smiling at me, whatever.

I'd rather approach someone I know is physically attracted to me from the get-go - I don't want to feel I have to 'earn' her attention or time.

When out and about with friends or family, I am confident (walk confident, never care what others think, larger than life) but this also means I keep to myself and limit myself to whatever social group I'm with.

Confidence simply helps you feel like you can do anything you set your mind to, if you actually have things to set your mind to. :lol: And, when it comes to social confidence, I mostly do not.

"Women can probably read how desperate and needy you are for a girlfriend and it turns them off, the girl you like went with the bad boy because
He probably doesn't seem desperate or needy."

Unfortunately, at least as a teenager, this also isn't true.

I see plenty of desperate teens get into satisfying relationships.

The truth is relationships are very random and there is very little actual criteria on whether you will have success or not, and even factors that influence it have a very weak influence.

There's plenty of rude, greedy, anti-social, unhealthy, unattractive, selfish, people in this world in relationships, and plenty of friendly, social, confident, attractive, healthy people who aren't.

Being a friendly, happy, healthy person may increase your chances slightly, but there's no guarantees, and in my experiences it seems for every 'good' person in a relationship, there are two 'bad' people that are as well.

Now, with desperation, that's extremely normal as a teenager, so many desperate teens can get a relationship. They tend to be short-lived and unhealthy ones, but relationships nonetheless.

Heck, we agree with lymerance that a 'bad boy' ended up with the girl, while a 'nice guy' didn't...there's some real-life anecdotal evidence right there, and we didn't even have to leave this thread to find any!

"If you are not particularly charming you don't really stand a chance with most women unless you have something really interesting going on in your life."

Now that's just ridiculously harsh way of putting it.

No one is perfect, and the vast majority of people aren't suave, James bond types, male or female, and being a confident smooth-talker is not achievable for many people as well, regardless of effort.

We all make slip-ups, we're all just awkward in this world trying to be normal and function. N.T's have it far easier than us, but even they aren't perfect at this kind of thing.

He does not have to be 'the best', but simply 'his best'.

And, charming is very much subjective - one person's 'charmer' is another person's 'annoying, obnoxious'.

My behavior back in high school, confident, goofy, playful, was polarizing, but f*ck the haters.



lymerence
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11 Apr 2016, 6:55 pm

Thank you Outrider, I always do feel hopeful whenever something like that is said since a lot of advice seems to be "you don't need a girlfriend" or "relationships are overrated", etc.

What I mean by not feeling the need to improve myself because my life feels empty is that usually I only experience true elation when I know someone I like; the desire for dating has been a big part of my life for years and it's taken centre stage alongside my music (and they definitely intertwine, that's the reason I named my band Lymerence) as a goal. However, it seems like it's just not meant to happen any time soon, which absolutely kills me. Maybe something could happen in college but it's not a guarantee, and it's a few months away (and trust me, that's a hell of a long time to go without the hope of knowing anybody). It still seems like the best opportunity though, but from then on, I'm basically going blind.

The feeling of that desperation is the most crushing thing, and it feels like nothing gives me the same level of ecstasy of feeling like someone has mutual romantic interest with me. I just don't get why she would lie and say she only wanted me and nobody else if she didn't mean it and left me. She's unfriended me and basically removed me from her life after everything I did for her to make her feel special.

I know that one day, there will be a girl who respects that and gives the same in return. But it's going to be a very long time before that, and it's at that point where there's nobody available because they're already in relationships, and that's if I can even find them in the first place. It just seems like such a long and painful process, and even then, it may not last forever. I'm confident someone beautiful (physically and mentally) will feel the same way for me. But I feel like I've missed out on a lot for my teenage years, like awkward hanging out and things like that. Everyone's starting to slow down and change, and I fear it'll only get more difficult to find people from here on out, especially those who will return the affection. I feel like I can be kind of charming when talking to girls online, but I feel like I need to be with someone close to me to help fill the physical desire as well as emotional. It's such a terrifying world, and by college most guys are supposed to have outgrown the awkward stages. It's scary not knowing what my future partner will look like or act like.