Throwing this out there

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I'm going through a lot of changes. This isn't questioning my sexuality....just adjusting to a new look at it.

I'm old. I'm an idiot. I would like to know more. I would like to speak with someone that would be honest with me and also understand my limitations and stupidity.

Where I am. I accept that I am basically binary male..cliche in most respects. But, in reality I am pansexual. As long as all parties are in agreement, nobody is in a position they don't want to be in and no children, I'm pretty much cool with anything with some exceptions. Not going into details here.

Laws of attraction:
1.) Must be able to speak with this person. I have never been able to just be attracted to someone, anyone that cannot have intelligent conversation. No bimbo personalities. None I have seen here, so it is not directed towards anybody. Just clarification.

2.) Attracted to feminine types. That's all there....LOL...

Oddly enough, for the longest time, I could guarantee that any woman I had any attraction to would eventually be revealed as lesbian. I dunno why......I had no idea....so........

I want to talk with someone who would be able or willing to try to work with me on these issues because I really don't even know where to begin.

I am in a vulnerable place. So, this is just me trying to sort through things. Might as well start dealing with things.....

No hurries, no worries. Just throwing it out there.....

You are attracted to what you are attracted to.

That's the way you have to look at it.

Well, actually, I threw the laws of attraction out there simply because if someone would work with me about educating my idiocy, then if they are not feminine, then they know this is not going to turn into some attempt to get my jollies or trying to mack on them.

And, that terminology may be misleading in itself as it predisposes the idea that I want to talk about attraction...and I don't. I just want to not be such an idiot about these things with the LGBTQ community.

My best PM buddy is female. She is the best sounding board so far simply because she answers my questions that are just phrased weird and she rolls with it.

Her feedback has been invaluable because she just answers the questions. She accepts the queries as queries and nothing more. But, she is not LGBTQ. So, she cannot give me any insight into that area of life.

Do you feel attracted to men? Maybe it's more complicated than that within you. Maybe you feel some kind of bond which is not necessarily sexual.

I, myself, have never felt this sort of "bond" with a man. Except maybe a couple times in my 20's when I was lonely. I felt a sort of affinity--but nothing sexual at all.

Well, those are all very good questions. Things I would prefer to talk about in private to be in depth.

Butm the short answer is broken into two parts:

1. Physical: No worries there as it's all anatomy to me. Even deeper, the similarities in anatomy are so striking I find much of this to be moot. I just prefer femininity (even though all of my wives were not girly girls), lack of hair (This is ironic coming from a person who is a walking fur factory...how funny is that?)

2. Emotional: Never been able to bond with men any better than women so.....dunno...but so far the experience has been that I don't form the same emotional bond with men.....maybe the better description would be 'masculine' manly types....

Just trying to sort through things....kinda a bit private on some things as I am in all of my life.

But of course.....we always have some things that are private about ourselves.

Sounds like you're pretty hetero to me.

As for me, I admire, greatly, the Feminine Form.

I had a really good response and I'm just too tired to retpe it. It got lost.

The short version is this:

I want to learn. About me, About the differences. For instance, I think I am hetero, but I did throw out the pan thing for a reason.

Basically just want to learn without being told to "Go look it up" or just getting links that say things so generally it's not helpful. And, those links don't answer questions or address what I want to learn.

But, I am also being tired of being held accountable for things I am 'supposed to know', as I have been told by people. It ain't in the 'humanual' and it don't just come forth fully formed as thought and ideas.

So, if this don't bear fruit soon, I'm killing the thread because I don't want some poor person who gets it to see the thread a year of so down the road and answer me. Then I'll have moved on and it just creates embarrassment and awkwardness.

I do find it ironic that the one person who is engaging this in a an LGBT forum, in a way I had hoped someone would, is a hetero, married guy.

I really don't know what that says about this......

But don't get me wrong. I love chatting with Kraftie. On any of the threads anywhere

I can't promise anything in the way of guaranteed enlightenment, nor can I claim any expertise beyond my own experience as a queer non-binary person, but I'm happy to engage in conversation about things if you're interested. I like learning about other people's perspectives on stuff like this and sharing my own thoughts-- not as a gatekeeper of Correct Information but as another person with different life experiences.

No pressure, obviously, and I don't even know if my brain will turn out to have any of the info you're looking for in it, but feel free to PM me if you feel like it.

That's actually perfect. I find it funny when people say things like the "I can only offer you my experience." Why funny?

Because I expect nothing else. I get it though. We live in a world whre that does seem to be the expectation and we're trained that will be expected of us. But,I do not.

Just a give and take. Someone who lives a lifestyle, just based on that life experience and people you hang around who are like minded, you just naturally know more about things than I would. Age has a lot to do with it too. Now that we've established a dialogue, I would like to set forth a couple of things: My social contract if you will. When I get into personal discussions, I always put this forth.

I will overstep boundaries...consider the audience..... It's not the failure to obey the boundaries, it's the recognition of where a boundary may exist. Tell me and I can follow it no problems. I have to be taught. So, accept that and will do the same. No worries, no harm, no foul.

If I do not want to answer, that should be ok. If I would want to answer in private, and is ok with the other person, take it into PM. I would probably PM first to ask if it's ok, then that should be ok. Don't wanna give away everything publicly. The above applies equally to any and all people.

I overthink things. When you have three people, who are professional therapists or doctors tell you this, well, yeah...I do... So, let me put on the stupid hat and begin....

This is one of the things I don't understand and I will tell you why. It has a bit to do with pop culture and portrayals....
Nonbinary gender queer.....

1.) Nonbinary I get...I think...a person does not fit into either male of female and can float between them easily. One day someone feels pretty, another day, they wanna put frogs and lizards in their pockets. Ok, I know that's extreme, but its all I got....

2.) gender queer? is that one term or two in which one modifies the other....

Confusion comes form an episode of "The Closer" where they had a transgender cop (played by Beau Bridges) who lived as a female, but was attracted to women because he lusted after Kyra Sedgewyck.

That's because of my age. I'm actually old enough that queer meant 'strange' and 'gay' meant happy. Now, I get the gay part, so, that was just an example of frame of reference. But, queer then became derogatory towards homosexuals. Now, I have no frame of reference for the term anymore.

I would assume it means something different now since it seems to be used differently now and not as a slam.

This is just the tip of the idiotberg I am trying to chip away at. I'm not completely clueless. It's been a strange life with things that never has fit the accepted norm. But if you experience something and have no language to apply, you just come off wrong.

It really is no different than self evaluating, discovering and validating that I am Aspie, hear me meow.....
All those things I could not systemize and put into categories fall into place from a proper vantage point to start from.

Now, as a complete aside, I love the name "hayrobo." My brain is so messed up... Try to follow...

I don;t know why, but when I hear things, it immediately gets associated with something to see if it fits. Sometimes those associations are just strange, but have a logic to them. So, I see your name and this immediately jumped into my head.....

(To the tune of "Hey Paula")
Hay, hay robo...
I wanna tap your keys tonight
Hay, hay robo....
where's your monitor, no light....

Link to song if you;re curious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vOo-3XWxpo

Link to the song if you wanna know the actual tune. But it was the Hay part that got associated with "Hey, hey" and robo that got thrown in as "Paula"

Seriously...that crap goes through my head on every little thing. Song associations, movie associations, etc.....and they wonder why I'm a doof in public.

When Mork is running around in your head...well.......I feel like Bumblebee from Transformers...flipping between radio stations to form sentences.

It's a jumble and it makes it really difficult. LOL

I know "Hey Paula." It's from 1963. I'm not sure of the singers' real names; but they were known as Paul and Paula.

I forgot the lyrics--so I can't tell you if it's one of those "tragic" songs like "Leader of the Pack."

I imagine, you being from the South, that you probably heard lots of Allman Brothers and bands like that.

My musical tastes are so eclectic and out of step with the times and all LOL

But yeah...all sorts of things and nothing really cogent. I like some classical, but not informed about it. I like some swing, electro-swing, rock, so much more and even a bit of disco, but all, not much informed about. Groups though....that I do get granular on.

I do love a lot of that novelty stuff from that era...one of my favorites was "Beep, Beep" by 'The Playmates.'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayTJtVzHOLs

Yep...and Monster Mash and "Surfin' Bird!

You would probably like They're coming to take me away, ha ha!

And maybe Disco Duck. I knew a kid who played Disco Duck constantly. Another kid played Turn the Beat Around hundreds of times in succession. Both in 1976, at age 15. I was really into J.J. Evans of Good Times, too, at that time. And Alfalfa from The Little Rascals.

And in 1977, I got obsessed with Roots, the Saga of an Americna Family.

I was also into the Professional Bowler's Tour.

I always listen to the 60's station on Sirius, when I'm not listening to Channel 89, Major League Baseball.

Oh yeah, I remember all that stuff. The radio station I worked for when I was 16 had a gold record of Disco Duck on the wall for some reason. Coulda been fake for all I know.

I listened to Doctor Demento regularly growing up. I even remember when Weird Al would send in his early work with his accordion.

So, yeah, "Coming to Take me Away", "I live in a split level head", anything by Professor Tom Lehrer, "Sidewalk Surfing"....
"Grab your board and go sidewalk surfing with me....
It's the greatest sport around,
~~Bust your buns
~~Bust your buns..."

I even remember some when they were released and created an uproar..."My Ding-a-Ling" anyone?

When everybody was rocking to Deep Purple and Led Zeppelin, That's what I was listening to. When everybody was listening to Disco, I was listening to (and pay attention to how weird this mix is) Deep Purple, 50's, Jim Stafford, the Archies, Yes, The Monkees, Wendy/Walter Carlos and Pink Floyd. I think the only time I was in synch to the music of the moment was in the '80s. It was just so all over the place. It was refreshing after the 'prepackaged' feel of the disco era and led to the grundge movement which was just raw rock and roll with more musicianship compared to Punk.

I have trouble with listening to the oldies stations. I call them the "Stairway to Layla from Tokyo" Because they just don't really play the real variety of any of those times. It's like they only play the top 40 of the time and a very limited selection at that.

Yep....Sidewalk Surfing---Jan and Dean!

Never heard skateboarding called that, though.

When the urethane wheels came out, skateboarding became a real craze. And they put the urethane wheels on roller skate, so there was no more roller skates with the key.

Melanie had a song called Brand New Key....Where the guy has the key that would open up her roller skates.

Yep...Chuck Berry, My ding-a-ling. I was so naïve; I didn't get the phallic interpretation at all.