Everybody Is Identical: a response to An Open Letter to the Depressed Aspergian

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This is the single aspect of this discussion that I identify with the most deeply. The fact that intense suffering can be (or seem to be) totally undetectable. Whether it be a feature of an ASD mind or not, I absolutely hate all theatrics. I find emotion as a deliberate display very repulsive and am certainly not capable of making a drawn out narrative show of my feelings or ongoing problems.

The deep and frustrating paradox now seems to me to be that in order to be perceived as sincere, to be treated socially as sincere or just real, emotion tends to have to be insincerely expressed through theatre - that what is transparent drama (even if it is under-played, to even add to the dramatic effect) is often taken as a show of deeper, presumably more sincere feeling.

The more depressed I become, the less sympathetic those around me seem to be: As the days get harder, my 'affect' becomes flatter, and outward flatness seems conventionally to be taken as hostility of some kind, even at its most depressive.

As aggravating as the social side of things is, I still feel that my state of mind is ultimately a matter between me and the universe, and no number of positive social interactions per whatever-time would fundamentally change things. It is, though, possible that I'm fooling myself by thinking that.

I've always found, perhaps against some past principles or other, that having someone in a service-type position try to help me gives me an enormous sense of gratitude when I finally manage to see them. More so than sympathy from someone not paid to do it. It's a funny thing. But I've always felt like a fraud trying to explain difficulties to a doctor. The usual script-based responses to mental problems just still give me the feeling like it's something experimental - that it's not the doctor's real job.
My own experience with medication was not convincing. I felt that minimising drink and computer use had an overall more anti-depressant effect than the tablets in the end. Then again, I tend to think of emotion as moving like weather, and so to know what helps, whether it really helps, is almost impossible some times.

This article was a good read and truly hits home.

It's been a lifelong struggle for me to be able to connect to other people. That's what I love about this site, viewing autism like being from another planet, just exact way I feel when I people watch. It feels like there is a barrier between me and everyone out there, even more like being in a prison cell than being an alien species. Because even trying to socialize often gets poor results like I'm speaking to myself in an empty room, which can be maddening.

So the depression, which is always there, comes in and out of strength and then I rely on alcohol, which makes things worse. I often get feelings of hopelessness and doom, which I know isn't because of my autistic traits themselves, but rather being isolated and lacking in friendships and romance.

Is there anything that can be done about the suicidal thoughts?

Thanks, I have been in depression for a year and half, but i felt better now.

Me too. Applause.
What a brilliant, moving, insightful article!!

Maybe telling someone? Talking to people you can trust, even here on this forum? People who might understand you, who can hear what you're saying and why...

Also, at the risk of sounding lame, maybe spending time in nature when you can, at the sea or in the woods.. taking time to soak it in and see and feel beauty, also to feel totally terrible and miserable, and weep a lot, if you can. Time alone, with your dog (if you have one), doing whatever you feel moved to do whether swimming in a river pool or digging in the sand. Life can be beautiful and tragic too.

Should I be answering here? I guess I'm not really qualified to, as though I've felt depressed and desperate sometimes, I've never felt suicidal. So please try to forgive me and ignore me if this advice is not helpful ! !

Love this

Touching article. I'm 34 and every year I understand the reason for the suicide statistics a little bit more

This is very true. This society needs to accept people with Autism. They learned to accept people with different backgrounds and disabilities such as Down's Syndrome, so they need to do the same for ALL people. It would also be ideal if there was more medical research to help people with Autism connect and therefore, satisfy their never ending need for connection AND without being insensitive about it.

"In these medical papers, as well as in communities around America, we downplay the way depression impacts the lives of autistic people. It is often suggested bullying is less hurtful to those on the spectrum, because they would not care about being left out. It’s the same hurtful stereotype all over again; autistic people don’t want human relationships. The other suggestion is that the way we are made predisposes us to suicide. That it’s not society that pushed us out, we are instead “neurological time bombs.”"

^^it is exactly this that lead to me not knowing I was autistic into my 30s because I thought my isolation wouldnt hurt as much if I were.
I didnt want to be seen as an animal, or glitch.

This whole piece is just so well said. Resonated with me.

This article does an eloquent job of illustrating the emotional pain experienced by those who wish to connect with others, yet experience the frustration of being unable to find reciprocation.

The part I disagree with is "We need to create physical groups to support Autistic people." That just reinforces the feeling of "difference" that Autistic people experience, as in, they need some sort of special treatment. They need others to force themselves to accommodate to them. People don't form genuine, intimate social networks off an altruistic need to help others, it's based on the genuine feeling of self-gratification and reciprocity through the human bonding process. The premise of my argument is opposite of yours. "Autistics" need to work to at least understand the underpinnings of social interaction on an intellectual level, and practice it, like learning to play the piano. Social skills and empathy can be developed over time - they are skills in the most specific sense of the word. Simply throwing up one's hands in the air and saying, "YOU need to understand ME!" Is counterproductive. The determination to learn the "normal" ways must be accompanied by a ruthless, unconditional, loving acceptance of self and the foibles that ALL human beings possess, or else you're belabored by useless feelings of depression. Real, painful, but ultimately useless. Suicide is the most irrational of acts, and never justified.

"and talks about their traits in terminology better suited for computer glitches, or animals."

The last place where I expected to read that (with regards to animals of non-human species) was this, frankly.

Come on. If there's someone who's a mind open enough to see we are animals too, it should be people with Asperger's/autism.

this is mostly what i was about to say ... changing society in general is less likely to happen than enabling the individual to accept and develop themselves. the results of enabling the individual are probably better for both society and the individual.

Thank you for posting. I don't think I'll read it, because these things tend to make me upset easily. Sorry to hear Zara took her own life.

Thank you for writing this article. I have always felt depressed most of my life, but big and Aspie has allowed me to snap out of it for moments at a time while being immersed in special interests that I love.

Brilliant article, especially the part about how our responses to bullying are enhanced. I am nearly 40, but thanks to my Aspie memory I remember hundreds of hildhood and teenage bullying incidents like they happened yesterday. They have given me a huge inferiority complex that makes daily life a struggle, which in turn makes me want to stop living. I have decided not to take my own life but if fate gives me a way out I'll take it (e.g. Not getting treatment for a treatable disease)