partners with Aspergers easier than a NT ASD relationship?

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Contact like that doesn't work. It's been over six months since I cut him off and I thought I'd forgotten about him and now talking about him just started me crying uncontrollably. It must still really bother me. I take my friendships very seriously. I guess I'm still really hurt. I told him everything and sent pictures and told him about my Ma and knitted him an afghan and he didn't even care. It took me over a year to make. I don't know why I'm crying like this I'm just a mess

Well, it works for me. Another (even more extreme example). We got to know another (quite young) autistic woman also maybe 15 years ago. She and another friend "got together", and she moved close to us. Then after a year or so, they split up and she moved back home. Now, we saw her quite regularly the first few years, but then lost contact. Still, we happened to attend an Aspie meeting where she also was several years after that, and immediately reconnected with her and she stayed with us during most of the meeting. I'm sure that if we happened to see her again, it would happen again.

I have a few other examples like that too, where somebody I had intensive contact with just disappeared, and then years afterwards we met again and got into intensive contact again.

For me, not hearing from somebody is not a problem. The problem for me is being ignored by somebody I once knew or had feelings for. I simply cannot turn-off feelings just like that like NTs seem to be able to do.

sorry to hear you're in such pain.

I agree with the previous poster,
As an Aspie I'm ok with no contact with someone for long periods of time with the assumption (or hope) that the relationship will just pick up where it last left off. Life happens, people go through their own trials and sometimes need all their energy to conquer said trails or challenges, so to have to maintain friendships and relationships through regular interaction and communication can be taxing on an Aspie. Our Brains are wired for hyper focusing on whatever we set out to do, unfortunately it can mean the degradation of friendships with NT's who need constant maintenance. For me it's nothing personal, not malicious nor does it have anything to do with that persons character or anything they did (most of the time).

I'm ok now. I must be hormonal or something and I haven't had much sleep. Anyway, maybe Aspie men can get something out of this and know by not having ongoing contact with an NT female, it can be painful to them. NT's need some small talk and if an Aspie can't do that they need to know that up front and not start any friendships or relationships with NT women. I read books about what NT women should expect from Aspie men and it was depressing because it pretty much portrayed a lonely life for the NT. I thought I could handle it since I'm a person who needs my alone time, but that's not it at all. The empathy thing is a big factor. Not only having it, but being able to show you have empathy even if you just try and it feels fake. At least your NT will know you're trying. That's why any NT person that is important to you needs to know that you are an Aspie because its hard enough understanding communication between an NT and Aspie as it is.

I understand that, however, does it really take that much to say Merry Christmas to someone by text? Or to spend 10 -15 min a week texting someone just to let them know you're doing ok? Surely a friendship means that much that a person can take 15 min out of their week. I just don't get it. And when someone actually texts you (not you personally) to see how you are doing when they haven't heard from you for a month or two and you give no answer, that is rude and uncalled for. Once I didn't hear from him for over 3 months, I didn't know if he was dead or what. A stranger shouldn't get treated like that let alone a supposed friend. That's why Aspies have a hard time maintaining friendships and I keep trying to stress what needs to be done, but I guess they really don't want to have friends. I'm about as loyal of a friend as one can get and I can't keep a friendship with an Aspie going.

Gee, I hope not. The people I'm into tend to be ridiculously NT. I love confidence and good social skills, but those who have those tend not to want insecure and awkward.

It's totally hypocritical, but I'm turned off by those who are like me. I much prefer smoother personalities, but only in fiction does the cool one go for the geek.

I for one consider time spent communicating via text (like right now for example) as time alone, because I don't have to keep up my full NT act. I have no pressure to think fast about what to say and do, I am just pushing buttons on my keyboard and taking my time to compose a response. I also don't have to interpret and generate body language, facial expressions, and voice inflection so it's pretty simple compared to talking to someone in person. In the relationship I was in a few months ago I was the one sending most of the texts, but when we were together in person I was rather quiet as I generally am.

A few times I accidentally said some things that I she pointed out was creepy or hurtful even though that wasn't my intention, which is one of the many woes of sucking at being social. There is also my problems with getting emotionally close to people, when she decided to stop dating me I was mostly over it within a day. I definitely still have a long road ahead of me and a lot of challenges to overcome if I ever want to be in a stable relationship.

Probably because it doesn't feel right to text somebody just to notify them I'm still alive. There is also the factor that much of my communication online is driven by interest and current happenings, so that's why I could send a message to somebody about something I've read in order to discuss it, but that will be irregular contact because interesting things don't happen at a regular interval. Also, I've stopped sending birthday and other greetings on Facebook too because I never have an idea of who I should send to and I don't want to send to everybody, so I stay consistent and "non-favoring" by ignoring the whole thing. I'm not putting up things there for holidays either. Nowadays I only post about interesting things, mostly in the form of links.



You shouldn't do it like that. Send him something new about some of his interests instead, and you are sure to get an answer, and possibly a discussion about it too.



Yes, that's very likely why Aspies have a hard time maintaining friendships with NTs.

I'm in a relationship with another aspie and it works really well, it's hard at times and even though he understands me well most of the time I think I assume he is totally aware and when he 'messes up' sometimes I really don't take it well. For example my sensory issues are a lot worse than his and he's used loads of chemical cleaner in the room while I'm still in bed (cat urine remover) and this will really trigger me (this stuff happens all the time at work/public and when I feel under this sort of attack in my own bed it's totally not cool). I do this head in when I'm really anxious or having a meltdown. We both need a lot of time to ourselves and we get that, he has his 'man cave' and if I'm wanting to be alone I can just tell him.

I think I've been in a relationship with an aspie before but we were both oblivious to it and that was really tough.

I think it would be tricky for an ASD male to be with many types of NT women, I find even in NT NT relationships men generally need more space and downtime than women anyway, so this need would be more intense for an ASD male I think. You'd want to be with an NT who was very patient, independent and most of all not clingy and comfortable with herself.

Personally I don't think I would ever want to date an NT again as although I'm fond of those I'm close to, there's just something fundamentally that I don't 'get' about them. And I guess they feel the same about me. Being with another (self aware) aspie just feels like home.

I think it would probably be a lot harder to start a relationship with someone on spectrum given the gender ratio and probably a majority or at least a good portion of women on the spectrum are not interested in dating a male version of themselves(want somebody to compliment what they don't have) or are totally not interested in relationships. That's not even mentioning the social deficit and anxiety/trust issues that make that initial meeting that much harder. On paper it sounds good but I just don't see it as realistic despite the exceptions here and there.

I don't think any relationship of any kind is easy

First, it's not ASD diagnosis that determines compatibility, it's neurodiverse status. There are a similar amount of NDs as NTs, so there is no problem with the gender ratio, and it's not so rare either (10-15%). Thus, this is a non-argument.



I don't think that has been determined. Since fewer females are diagnosed, they have a lot worse problems than diagnosed males, which includes not wanting relationships. I'm sure this is a minority-opinion among female NDs, so has no practical importance.



That has no importance at all. Unless you require neurotypical behavior from prospective partners which would defeat the whole purpose of trying to find somebody compatible.



No, it is easy and good in practice, not on paper.

I'm in a long-term, ASD/ASD, no BS relationship.
Freaking awesome

I don't know about ND/ND. There are still a lot of instabilities for NDs... I want someone to be more stable, not one for me to look after.

But perhaps I'll have to compromise. Though come to think of it, any relationship where one or both ends up needing the other to look after them is headed for issues.

Stable NT/ND relationships are definitely possible, they just requires bit of work sometimes. If that's what you want then it is definitely possible.

Something you should consider though is the wider domain of neurodiversity, not just autism. For example people with ADHD don't have social interaction impairments and they can be just as charismatic and charming as any neurotipical.

Of course, and I would consider that. Is there any intrinsic benefit to an ND/ND autistic/non-autistic relationship than an NT/ASD relationship?

NTs all differ too so a relationships with some NTs may work, while a relationship with others might not, everyone is different and everyone has a right to be different and to expect\want different things from a relationship.

I've only really ever had relationships with NTs, I've known one girl with AS and while we got on and I could see the advantages of a relationship with someone with AS, I also kind of think that I have enough problems dealing with my own things, I'm not sure I could deal with someone else's too. I know that sounds pretty selfish, but I'm just being honest.

For the relationship to work there does have to be understanding from the NT person, and sometimes probably even a lot of one-way compromise at times as people with ASD can be somewhat immovable on certain issues. For me personally this causes the most conflict when I think I'm not being rigid for the sake of it, it's just that I have a strong belief that a certain way is correct and I want something to be dealt with a certain way. I don't consider not wanting to change my stance on that as being a refusal to compromise, it's just that I want to do it the way I see is best....but I realise that to the NT you're just being stubborn and rigid and unwilling to compromise. When you have our thought processes it's hard to see that you're being difficult and sometimes I genuinely don't think I am, there is nothing wrong with being sure about how you want something. But, hey, what can you do. One of my philosophies is that even if you think you're right, if 100 people tell you you're wrong then you should consider the fact that maybe you are. I try and budge a little sometimes if I'm willing to see if someone else's way is better, but sometimes the man just isn't for turning.

The two relationships I probably had the most issues with were one girl who was very social and liked to go out and had a ritual of spending time with her friends at the pub at the weekend. I didn't really like her friends and I hated doing it, I had nothing in common with them, we had nothing to talk about so I'd just sit in a corner, and I often actually thought them quite pathetic and loathsome. Looking back I think my obvious withdrawal from these situations caused her embarrassment and resentment and she probably stayed not as long as she wanted to and did it less frequently because of that, so in a way I suppose I was caging her into my style of anti-social life. At the time I was undiagnosed so I was dealing with a lot of inner turmoil, I was hating myself too, why couldn't I just be sociable, why did I hate spending time with people, why can't I engage in small talk etc. Now that I am diagnosed and have come to understand\accept myself I wonder if my behaviour would have been any different had I have known...who knows.

The other troubled relationship was with someone who flat out told me that she didn't care that I had AS that she would make no allowances for me at all. I think she actually found some kind of cruel delight in it. Needless to say, that didn't last long as she turned out to be fairly cruel in general. She wasn't an evil person, she had personal issues that made her that way, things from her past that I knew about, but as I said above, I have my own mental problems, I can't be dealing with hers too.

I'm currently in a relationship with someone that is understanding and does make allowances for me (not saying she always likes them) so things are going ok, and I always try and learn from past mistakes but that's not always easy. I do learn to do things I'm not naturally wired to do because I know they are what are expected of you in a relationship.

That slightly leads me onto what nurseangela has said in a few of her posts. I can only speak for myself here, but I don't really get anything out of small talk, or chit chat. I only really feel engaged in a conversation when it's "about something". In terms of socialising the only situations I really feel comfortable in are where there is a group so I can step back when it's things I'm not interested in, but when a topic comes up I can talk about, or an opportunity comes up for a joke etc I can say my piece. When it is just me one-on-one with someone I often just clam up as I don't have the ability to carry a conversation...unless we're talking about something specifically, I don't know what to say. So there are people who I really enjoy spending time with when we're in a group, people I'd consider "friends"...but who I dread spending time with one on one. So when I leave the environment where I normally socialise with these people (usually work related) and the group dynamic is gone, then I lose the ability to keep that individual friendship going. I can't phone that person and "have a chat", and if they phone me I'll likely just not pick up. As NTs need that kind of connection with someone it becomes almost impossible to maintain that friendship. I'm happy sending the occasional email and catching up that way, but a lot of NTs aren't into that, they prefer to talk on the phone or in person. Likewise when it comes to Christmas greetings etc there are very few people who I send any to. I never remember when anyone's birthday is either. Am I being a "bad friend"? Yes. I know I'm a bad friend in many ways, and I wish I could improve this...but it's hard.

So to sum up, yes you can have a relationship with an NT person but it has to be the right person. Obviously having AS limits the number of people you *can* enter into a relationship with, but so does being short, or ugly, or poor, or smelly, or in a wheelchair, or blind, or whatever. You have to be realistic and know that you're never going to have the same advantages as other people, that's life. Rather that bemoan it and start a pity-party, just get on with it, admit it's going to be harder for you than an NT and try and find someone you *can* enter a relationship with rather than focussing on the ones you can't.