Autistic, Never knew about it until age 31 and Broke down

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Hi All,

I have autism. I guess I am what you call being on the spectrum. I did not speak until later on as a child - far later than what is the typical milestone. I always found interacting with people difficult and stressful. I would have bad nerves talking to people. I would regularly apologize to get acceptance.

My mother found out I had autism when I was 5 years old but she then did not make sense of this diagnosis and never told me about it. I went to special school with developmentally delayed children and after a year or so there, suddenly went to regular school. In school and in work, I suffered silently but I thought it was normal. I somehow managed to get an undergraduate degree, a teacher's degree and a major in speech and language pathology as I wanted to discover and learn more about my speech problems. Oh yeah, I always had speech problems. I actually prefer writing than speaking. I find speaking disorients me and I often have to close my eyes when I talk to people.

It took problems at work to make me question, I guess, my mental situation or mental health. I finally got the diagnosis 8 months ago. Before I got it, no one would believe me because I came across as friendly and able to speak fluently. I became an alcoholic to deal with problems at work, but it turns out that I was also self-medicating to deal with the underlying autistic symptoms that were taking its toll on me as I worked really hard to suppress them. I have been off work for almost 2 years because it has been an emotional journey. I also found out I have bipolar-like symptoms with depression and OCD which are common symptoms associated or a part of the specturm. I recently found out that these additional symptoms fall under schizoaffective disorder which I was diagnosed with recently. I am considered a dual diagnosis case. I secretly have been doing my best all along to hide these issues to appear normal. I am in a situation now where I want to be me and not the suppression. It has been hard for me to wrap my head around and I am finding this new normal that should have been the normal all along.

I will be going back to work eventually - hopefully in an accommodated position. They will probably do their best to get rid of me. It is kind of sad.

Can people relate? Any ideas as to how I should embrace this new world? Thanks!

I began to speak at age 5 1/2. I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 3, in the 1960s. I was diagnosed as brain-damaged--also in the 1960s.

I went to special schools, then to regular school, then back to special schools again. I graduated from a special high school with a "normal" diploma. I went to work right after high school. Have been working the same job for 35 years. I got my degree (yes, in Speech Pathology) when I was 45. I chose not to pursue it at the graduate level.

Yes, I think we have things in common.

I relate in terms of the struggle. My parents knew that there was "something wrong" and I am beginning to suspect they always had been told it was autism, but that they ignored it and insisted (wrongly) that I was a bratty/rebellious "normal" child and nothing at all was wrong at all. Everything was always "perfect" and "fine" - except for me that is. I get very angry thinking about it.
Learning for real about autism- changed my life- it really did. But I've got a lot of problems that I'm slowly working on- but having this knowledge about myself just makes it so much easier to exist.
I've still got a lot of negativity, but it helps. Knowledge is power.
I'm looking into learning disability stuff because I'm realizing that I've always had a very terrible problem with receptive language/understanding when people talk to me. Written stuff is fine, but listening/speaking is a whooole new level of wtfuckery.
I'm interested to find out more about receptive language issues.
I can speak fluently, but I choose not to a lot- not worth the effort to me honestly.

Though it will be challenging moving forward, your life pre-diagnosis was likely equally as challenging, but with one key difference - you didn't know as well what the issues were. With this new perspective and knowledge, you'll have a better chance of learning how to approach situations, what to avoid, etc. and also maybe forgive yourself more, when it comes to tackling the challenges of life - so it's a better kind of challenging, imho. For me, I just kept feeling like I couldn't handle work, couldn't handle work (also socializing, and many other things). I wasn't sure what the problem was, I kept trying to figure it out. Now I have a better idea, and now I understand better what it was about those situations that made work especially hard for me, and so now I am trying to avoid those kinds of situations and make a new path that is more realistic for me, and my expectations for myself are also different. Then, finding this forum has been very therapeutic for me, just seeing how many people can relate!

I understand completely, I went through many of the same things myself. For the longest time I just thought everybody went through what I was going through, maybe I was more neurotic, certainly not as adept socially, but I thought it was just normal. The first time I heard about Asperger's I was in my early twenties, from an episode of Law and Order Criminal Intent of all things, it did ring some bells and make me go hmm a lot of that sounds familiar but I put it out of my mind. I was so academically gifted I earned a place through my scholastic achievements, I figured I just had some traits, but after I actually left the university and tried to make my way in the real world I realized there was something more to my problems as I saw so many others making their way through adulthood like they knew the steps to a dance I couldn't even hear.

I realized by my late twenties that I was definitely on the spectrum and got a diagnosis last year. When I talked to my mom about it I found out she had thought I was on the spectrum ever since I was a kid but never told me or tried to have me diagnosed because she didn't want any stigma attached to me, but it was so infuriating because I was tortured for so long with the question of what the f*ck is wrong with me why did other people just seemed to be able to do all these things I could barely understand. My life has been much better since I was diagnosed. I just understand myself better than I ever could before, and that understanding lets me be happy. The worst thing about my life before my diagnosis was just this sense of confusion and being lost, I don't feel lost anymore. Out of place from time to time, sure, but not lost in the ether.

i COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH, iM 35 AND NEVER NEW I WAS AUTISTIC UNTIL I WAS 28! AUTISM RUINED MY LIFE, ALWAYS CONTROLLED IT, AT LEAS YOU GO A DEGREE, I NEVER DID, AND HAD SEVERE OCD THAT KEPT ME FROM BEING VERY GOOD A STUDYING AND NEVER GOT VERY EDUCATED. I FEEL AUTISM KEPT ME FROM BEING ALL I COULD BE. HANG IN THERE MAN, YOU WILL MAKE I, YOU SEEM VERY STRONG AND RESILIENT. GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND..

Neilster, similar situation. My folks weren't open about my problem. I found out by overhearing my mom tell someone we didn't know very well that I had autism. Summer before my senior year. I wasn't happy. Since than I tried to hide it....Mom said if I worked hard enough nobody would ever know. Wrong answer.

Welp, this is basically my life in a tiny teeny capitulation- I was so angry when I first realized OHHH so THAT'S what was "wrong" with me. It was just all so stupid- why ?
Still pisses me off to think of it too much
I get angry when I think about how many times people said things like "just try harder" without providing 1 iota of better instruction and then getting angry at me.
So, ridiculous.

Getting your degrees with duel conditions are quite some accomplishments. Getting your ASD diagnosis was also a major accomplishment of yours.

Going forward I certainly can relate to the struggle to figure out how much to act typical and how much to be your autistic self. It is going to be a trail and error process. Always remember that acting typical is a strategy to get something. Adding social skills should be a good thing but do not confuse it with becoming "normal". Getting out of your comfort zone is good, but be mindful of your exhaustion levels.

My mum and grandmother tell me it's all in my head as my home life isn't good atm, my dad drinks and my mum has severe depression, my mum and grandmother both said to me that a young doctor said I would be autistic and would not talk or walk but I have said to them that Asperger's can go undiagnosed in adults, they still don't believe me , my aunt is the only one that believes me, she has supported Autism NI when she worked in Bailey's and she talked to a woman who worked for Autism NI and the woman said to my aunt that I have the same characteristics as the guy who had Asperger's that my aunt was talking to the woman about. So what should I do?

I comprehend the feeling of breaking down and thinking what the hell I'm a grown ass man how is this possible?? I practically struggled to stay afloat all my life then more or less had a deranged descent to the sewer system of the world before I found out about anything to do with mental health and then later autism obviously, I would've liked to have some notion what issues I had before going on that unpleasant journey but you certainly gain wisdom and contours I guess.