Not a Good Match for Anybody?

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ThisAdamGuy
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07 May 2016, 7:53 pm

Do you think it's possible that somebody could not be a good romantic match for anybody? I've been trying my hardest to find a girlfriend for the past three or four years, and I've been shot down so many times without a single positive answer that I'm beginning to wonder if I just don't have a match. I know my aspergers makes me awkward and hard to get along with, and my normal attitude has a tendency to push people away. I have depression mood swings, I have trouble caring about other people's problems, and I'm extremely opinionated and tend to argue about, admittedly, unimportant things. I'm extremely introverted, I have no interest in most mainstream things like sports, and I'd rather spend a week locked inside my apartment playing video games than have to go outside and interact with people I don't know. I'd probably get really upset if I ever felt like my girlfriend wanted to spend time with other people more than she did me. So, would it in fact be wrong for me to expect any woman to put up with all that? Is it better if I just give up and quit looking?


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07 May 2016, 8:12 pm

Try to get out of your apartment once in a while, so you have a chance to know someone. Don't get to desperate about it, because people can sense that and freak out. Find a way to enjoy life as a single person until you find the right girl.



Outrider
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07 May 2016, 8:36 pm

You just have poor self-esteem.

As hard as it may be for you to believe, there's plenty of people your age that are more ruder, selfish, greedy, disrespectful, aggressive, and law-breaking as you are who still manage to find relationships.

Try to be realistic about what types of women you think you'd have a chance with.

If you would be absolutely incapable of dating an opposite sex version of yourself, you may be shooting a little too high.

You can try to work hard to self-improve yourself; your appearance, hygiene, confidence, etc.



Colorou
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07 May 2016, 8:49 pm

I'm sure there's an Aspien Woman with the same hobbies somewhere out there. Consider joining/ finding groups specific to you obsessions.


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BTDT
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07 May 2016, 9:29 pm

It might be totally fictional, but I remember a Judge Judy case in which the wife was unable to do tasks precisely as instructed. Given the very specific way some Aspies do things, I can see where you might not be able to find someone who can do things exactly the way you would, no matter how hard you looked.



ThisAdamGuy
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07 May 2016, 10:00 pm

There aren't any nearby groups for things I enjoy. I live in Northwest Arkansas, where everyone's, even the women's, pastimes are huntin', fishin', watchin' football, pickup trucks, and drinkin' ALL THE BEER. I like reading, writing, video games, and watching nerdy shows on Netflix. The closest nerd group I can find on MeetUp is a DnD group, which would be awesome except that they're an hour's drive away and meet in the evenings. I work evenings, so I wouldn't ever be able to make it.

And please, don't recommend I move away. I tried living in another city, but had to move back it stressed me out too much and I lost my job. I just got a decent here job back in December, and I actually don't hate it, so I'm not going to throw that away to go live somewhere I hope there are more nerds.


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DataB4
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08 May 2016, 1:07 am

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
There aren't any nearby groups for things I enjoy. I live in Northwest Arkansas, where everyone's, even the women's, pastimes are huntin', fishin', watchin' football, pickup trucks, and drinkin' ALL THE BEER. I like reading, writing, video games, and watching nerdy shows on Netflix. The closest nerd group I can find on MeetUp is a DnD group, which would be awesome except that they're an hour's drive away and meet in the evenings. I work evenings, so I wouldn't ever be able to make it.

And please, don't recommend I move away. I tried living in another city, but had to move back it stressed me out too much and I lost my job. I just got a decent here job back in December, and I actually don't hate it, so I'm not going to throw that away to go live somewhere I hope there are more nerds.

Wow, where you live in Arkansas sounds boring and sad. The thing is, I bet there are people who also don't like hunting or fishing or drinking, but like you, they probably don't know where to go either.

It sounds to me that your trouble finding your girlfriend is just secondary to the logistics of finding friends in your area. How can you conclude that it's about you when there are clearly external forces at work here?

Is there anyone at work or in your town you think you could confide in? You never know; sometimes, if you tell people that you're having trouble meeting others with similar interests, someone might have a suggestion for you, or they might even know someone. What about writer's groups?

One other thing: does that nerd group have an online forum? Would it be possible to post on it, saying that you work in the evenings but would like to meet people?


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BTDT
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08 May 2016, 8:29 am

http://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2015/0 ... ce-survey/
Based on what is happening in Japan right now, it could be that "your match" is more interested in gaming and her other hobbies than having a romantic relationship right now.
Your age is also a big factor--most male Aspies have great difficulty starting relationships in their 20s--we often look younger than our actual age, we lack social experience, and women often have a distinct bias against younger men when they are in their 20s. But, most of use seem to do much better as we get into our 30s--we no longer look too young and actually have more social experience based on all the mistakes we did in our 20s.



Cafeaulait
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08 May 2016, 11:44 am

I definitely believe there are certain personality types that just don't match up as well, but lots of people thinking they are unmatchable/undateable end up finding someone that fits them



314pe
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09 May 2016, 1:23 am

Where and how you tried to find partners?

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Do you think it's possible that somebody could not be a good romantic match for anybody?

No, but it's possible that someone may have to put a lot more effort, than most people do, to find a suitable partner.



Colorou
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10 May 2016, 12:45 pm

I live in Denver and STILL find it's easier for me to find like minded individuals online vs in real life.
MBTI https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test is something that helped me identify certain mindsets in others and gave me a place to start connecting with them. Almost all of my friends are currently Internet based.
Facebook Groups can be a great resource. They have a group for everything ^__^ even secret Autistic Groups. I understand how it feels to live somewhere that's full of Rednecks ah haha... I am originally from Florida :P


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ForeverAnon
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10 May 2016, 1:49 pm

I'm PM'ing you, because I'm guilty of having similar thought patterns too.