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Bodie601
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10 May 2016, 11:05 pm

So... a few years ago, I lost my Mom. This has been the hardest thing that I've ever had to deal with. I feel so lost and alone. I try to muddle through the day just to get to the end so I can go to sleep and forget about my troubles. The problem is that I tend to wake up and it starts all over again. I have a wife and two children that love me and I wish that would be enough to keep me going, but I always seem to fall back into the rut. I want to talk to her so bad.

Just after she passed, my Psychologist diagnosed me with HFA. If she only knew. I'd give anything to tell her. It explains so much. Have any of you lost a parent? What do you do? How do you cope? Is it common for Aspies to have an especially difficult time dealing with this?



friedmacguffins
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10 May 2016, 11:24 pm

I think that Aspies can form strong attachments to certain people, or situations, as a sort of niche interest.

I have personally found that this goes away, once I have rectified any unfinished business or internal contradictions, in my mind. Nostalgia can be turned to objectivity, without walling-off any emotions or disrespecting anyone's memories.



CockneyRebel
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10 May 2016, 11:25 pm

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beady
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10 May 2016, 11:52 pm

I'm sorry for your loss and your continued sadness.
Why is it important that she know your diagnosis? Was she your strongest advocate? Did you connect with her most deeply?



Bodie601
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11 May 2016, 2:01 am

Yes, I was closest to her. When I was younger, I was an ass to her. maybe the diagnosis would have made sense to her. Maybe I was just overwhelmed from all of the stimulus and was mid-meltdown instead of being a jerk. Later on we had an amazing relationship. I just wish I could explain the past.



RoadRatt
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11 May 2016, 2:11 am

I lost my dad 3 years ago. I want the universe to give him back to me all the time. I know it doesn't work that way, but I can't help but feel that way.

I didn't cope well afterwards. I don't deal well with emotions so I drank for two years straight.

I found out about my Asperger's just less than two years ago so I was never able to tell my dad about it.

I don't know how to cope in life without my dad. I still have my mom which is now my only source of help. I do have my two brothers but they can't help me like my parents can. I'm not sure what I will do if and when I lose my mom.


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LupaLuna
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11 May 2016, 3:03 am

RoadRatt wrote:
I don't know how to cope in life without my dad. I still have my mom which is now my only source of help. I do have my two brothers but they can't help me like my parents can. I'm not sure what I will do if and when I lose my mom.


I know what the feeling like. I loss my mom and my dad wants nothing to do with me (for what ever reason?). I won't candy coat this. I feel all alone and forsaken in this world. It's like your parent's love is somehow the portal, the bridge, the proxy into the mad, cold world we live in.



goatfish57
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11 May 2016, 4:41 am

I lost my mother about 12 years ago and my father 6 years ago. It is difficult dealing with their loss and I think about them often. There were many unresolved issues with both of them. My father's death was the most traumatic. He had psychiatric problems and attempted suicide a few times, until he finally succeeded.

Everyone grieves differently. All I can really say is that the pain will diminish and life will go on. Try to find a way to resolve your issues with your mother and forgive any of the past mistakes.

Good luck and be strong


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harriet
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11 May 2016, 2:03 pm

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. what can I say. I lost my mum 5 years ago an I still cry for her every day. I sometimes dream she's alive and have to wake up and lose her again. Its worse on anniversaries, birthdays and important events, then its like the whole month is written off to grief as it builds inside me.

I am waiting for an Aspergers evaluation, but I too feel deep regret at the nemory of how much rage and temper tantrums I had in our family... Aspergers makes my whole crazy life make sense and it hurts a lot to know she never got that understanding and possibly died thinkin I was just angry all the time (Massive sensory overload and no down time from working full time and caring for her) with a house full of younger siblings and adults.
I tried grief counselling but artiulating emotions doesnt help me so much, I'm better showing them through art or dance. For me the best thing was to just try and move on. All I can say is, its not your fault your have Aspergers, it's not your fault you find really diffficult what other people find normal and its not your fault you got overwhelmed and couldnt always cope. Nobody is perfect. Your mother loved you very much I'm sure, and so I think she would have very much forgiven you and taken comfort in the idea that maybe these days your better able to know what you can and cant handle. Good luck... youre not alone. There are bad days but also many good days.



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11 May 2016, 2:38 pm

friedmacguffins wrote:
I have personally found that this goes away, once I have rectified any unfinished business or internal contradictions, in my mind.


Yes it does.


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12 May 2016, 9:09 am

Never really been 'close' to my mom, but again my mom is a real b***h.

Edit: it automaticly does the w**d thing weird


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12 May 2016, 10:32 am

I'm so sorry for you. My mother is in the last stages of cancer. I am very grateful for the times I have had with her and I can sense the tremendous loss already. I don't know yet how I will react and what will happen.

There are people who use you like you'd use a tool or a toy. People, who gladly push you over the edge. But there are also people who keep you hanging and do their best to pull you up. My mother has kept me hanging.

There are people you are grateful for and then there are people you would be grateful not to have ever met. I am grateful for my parents. They could have been egoistic idiots, but they weren't. I was lucky in that lottery. I didn't get to tour the world and special priviledges - I got love instead.

You had a mother you can be grateful for. You miss her being. That is the greatest measure of a human being. Not how much power, money and material marks he or she leaves behind when the time comes.



muffinhead
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13 May 2016, 7:55 pm

Sorry to hear about that. I lost my father about 3 years ago, and it never affected me that much. I guess I just didn't feel any sort of deep connection to him. Point is, everybody grieves differently (or doesn't grieve at all). I can promise you that you surely will get better with the aid of time. Just take time to yourself and realize that you can't do everything you used to be able to.


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beady
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14 May 2016, 7:23 am

Bodie601 wrote:
Yes, I was closest to her. When I was younger, I was an ass to her. maybe the diagnosis would have made sense to her. Maybe I was just overwhelmed from all of the stimulus and was mid-meltdown instead of being a jerk. Later on we had an amazing relationship. I just wish I could explain the past.


I have a daughter who is all grown up now. She was a huge challenge growing up and that's putting it mildly. She was quite upset to know I have aspergers and didn't want to accept it as it can explain some of her issues as well. She is this amazing mix of super socially adept and quirky that alternates with her need for isolation and recuperation.
We had some extremely tough times but no matter how bad it was I kept telling her how much I loved her. Each year it gets a little better and she is definitely now a huge joy in my life. If you and your mama had a time that you describe as amazing then you were the lucky ones. If you and she arrived at "amazing" then she loved you through it all and the times you were hard to manage were not kept as something that needed to be apologized for and regretted. She let them go and you can too. Focus on the "amazing" and pass it along.



dcj123
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14 May 2016, 3:10 pm

Pieplup wrote:
Never really been 'close' to my mom, but again my mom is a real b***h.


That is quite a comment from a 12 year old, I am sure she can't be all bad. At least give her chance before you write her off as a b***h. I find that no one is evil, we are all just very lost and we hurt others in ways we don't even think about. You can gain a lot of insight thinking about how someone else thinks or views things. Everyone makes mistakes and I do believe that most people want the relationships around them to work but its our flaws, not our intentions that hurt those around us. There will come a time when it'll hurt you to think of your mother this way and there will come a time where if she has hurt you, she'll regret it too. That is why its important to love our neighbors, cause they aren't any better then us.

Now having said all that, I am sorry OP that this has happened but I am sure your mother is with you spiritually and probably knows your struggle more then you do right now.