Tactics of Manipulation Abusers Use On Women

Post Reply New Topic

I'm sorry if I sound callous. I just have to question the soul of a species that treats its women like this so often. I'd laugh at how obstinate society is in defending it's values of misogyny and violence, but it's just not funny.

I come from a family in which several of the men have abused their wives, and I've found many common traits from all of their patterns. It's common for potential abuse victims to be low in confidence, but another commonality is that abuse victims tend to grow up with a rather good family so they never see how abuse works. Often, they grow up with good men in their family, so they can't even imagine what it's like for a man to abuse them, or how to tell what an abuser would look like.

If I ever have a daughter, I want to impart these lessons to her, so that she can never be tricked into the same trap that so many women I've known have fallen into.

Psychological Abuse
1. Make small nitpicks (you put too much milk in your cereal, you missed a spot with the mop)
2. Make personal nitpicks (you're clumsy, you're forgetful, you have a big nose)
3. Question their stability (you get overemotional, you don't have the temperment, etc.)
[These are all healthy on a moderate level, but done excessive, they lead to the next few steps]
4. Question her mental health (you have some brain damage but i still love you)
5. Attack her overtly (you're stupid, you're a b***h)
6. Deny her capabilities (you can't do this, you wont achieve that, youll never succeed)
7. Make them question their sanity (you see, i'm quite nice after all, it's all in your head)
8. Deny her value (you're worthless)

Power Dynamic
1. Be really nice, sweet, buy her gifts, cook her dinner, treat her like a princess
2. Make yourself seem inferior and let her be in charge until she loves you
3. Find ways to isolate her from her friends and family
4. Show palpable threats (be subtly aggressive and imposing)
5. Hit her.
6. If she doesn't break up with you immediately, keep hitting her.
7. Have a threat in case she breaks up with you (you have a gun, messy custody battle, you know the mafia, etc.

I certainly grew up dealing with a lot of this due to my mother and grandmother, who have their share of BPD and narcissistic traits. My grandmother is dead, but my mom will still pull this stuff, or would if I had contact with her. It's very hard having your posture, sensory issues, hobbies, and habits constantly criticized. But, of course, these people hate to see you happy because other people's happiness and emotional independence makes them so uncomfortable.

I don't understand this part of your post:

What I mean to say is that women who have never seen a traditional abuse story unfold before are more likely to ignore the red flags whilst falling in love. And by the time they do recognize the signs, Hitler already invaded Poland.

Good list of abusive behaviors in general, regardless of sex.

^He said he'd teach these things to his future daughter so she can recognize if she is in an abusive relationship or not.

He's not condoning these things, he's giving advice on how to guard against them.

Abusive men already know these rules. It's instinct to them. They drink and breathe it. It's the people who don't know who can benefit from being informed. It's the abusers who benefit when people aren't informed.

There's only a limited amount of deftness I can devote to a discussion of this sort. There's a certain point where you start to lose hope. It's not just a handful of abusive men, but an entire society that creates a breeding ground for this to happen and nonchalantly tolerates it when it does. If my tone comes across as bitter and scornful, it's because I am. If my original title is met with disgust, it's because this epidemic is disgusting.

Some things to Google to learn more:
cycle of abuse
emotional abuse
gas lighting

I disagree about women in abusive relationships coming from "good" families. They come from all kinds of families, all socio-economic backgrounds, all education levels, all races and religions, etc.

I wish I did know the red flags of an abuser before getting into a relationship because I ended up in one myself but luckily it didn't last long. I was actually lucky he discarded me. He was more of the passive type. He didn't try to keep you and if you left you left and he then ignored you. So not all abusers will keep their victims. They let them go like they are trash. I've been curious about how he treated his ex but I will never know.

I have never grown up in an abusive environment so I wouldn't know what abuse looks like (I thought it was being beaten up and hit and called names and my ex did none of that) but those who have grown up in it might only know that is what exists and not know any different because it's normal to them. They repeat the cycle. I would have to wonder if they not ever saw any relationships where both people never fought and beat each other up and no name calling and controlling behavior etc. or were all their friends parents that dysfunctional too? I lived in an area where it seemed normal to abuse your children where you call them names and not value their perspectives and opinions and kick them out whenever they piss you off. Then those kids meet my parents and thought they were strange and told them what they were doing wasn't normal. An out of control teenager was a kid who argues and disagrees with you which to me is normal kid behavior for an adolescent but not in that area I lived in. Those parents had know idea what an out of control teenager really means so basically they were punishing them for being a normal teen by kicking them out and those kids would end up at my parents house hanging out with my brothers. While there, they had to do chores around the yard and as a reward they would be fed a nice meal. I am sure they all appreciated it and would rather work for a good meal than being screamed at at home and called named and kicked out whenever they piss their parents off and not treated like they matter. But that is why people repeat the mistakes by entering an abusive relationship despite growing up in an abusive home, they think it's normal and if they lived in an area where lot of kids were raised that way, they think it's normal. It's very possible to realize that the way you were raised or how your parents relationships were isn't normal so you break the cycle. I have seen people say online who grew up with narcissists parents that what they saw on TV about relationships was only on TV, same as how parents handled problems with their children whenever they got into trouble or did something wrong.

Abuse can be so subtle, the person might not even realize they are in an abusive relationship. That is what happened with me. That is until you google it if you know what to google. I didn't know about gaslighting or emotional abuse, or what controlling behavior looked like and if you are not aware of the abuse, it wouldn't occur to you to go online and look it up. People usually find out on accident their partner is abusive or they were in therapy together and their therapist tells them privately after their partner is out of the room that they are in a relationship with a narcissist.

Be really nice, sweet, buy her gifts, cook her dinner, treat her like a princess

^ whys this a red flag ? So if a guys romantic he must be a abuser?


2. Make yourself seem inferior and let her be in charge until she loves you

What if your just a less dominate guy? Most relationships I've seen the woman is the one in charge. This is how I was raised and presumed it was for all.

A users pretend to be nice guys, but you shouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water but limiting romantic and nice charactisits as reasons to avoid s guy. Mean if he's not sweep at , and treats her romantically it probably means he doesn't care much about her besides sex.

Some of those make sense, but not sure why buying gifts or cooking her dinner is a sign of abuse. My boyfriend cooks me dinner a lot, because he likes to and makes good food and he did gift me a sweater and is sweet/nice like I am to him and no abuse to be had...are we supposed to hold each other at arms length and condescend each other or have toxic arguments just so long as there is no hitting?

Psychological Abuse
1. Make small nitpicks (you put too much milk in your cereal, you missed a spot with the mop)
2. Make personal nitpicks (you're clumsy, you're forgetful, you have a big nose)
3. Question their stability (you get overemotional, you don't have the temperment, etc.)
[These are all healthy on a moderate level, but done excessive, they lead to the next few steps]
4. Question her mental health (you have some brain damage but i still love you)
5. Attack her overtly (you're stupid, you're a b***h)
6. Deny her capabilities (you can't do this, you wont achieve that, youll never succeed)
7. Make them question their sanity (you see, i'm quite nice after all, it's all in your head)
8. Deny her value (you're worthless)

Me and my Ma got most of these from my dad. That's why I'm not married, have never been in a long term relationship and keep striving for perfection in everything I do. That's why I can't get into any arguments. I'm never putting up with that crap again.