NTs friends fights and how I can't deal with it anymore

Page 1 of 1 [ 11 posts ] 

Nicola2206
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 10 Sep 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 97

02 Jun 2016, 5:48 pm

I know it might happen to everyone.....but all my friends are NTs and I've always found myself stuck in the middle of gossip bs, lies and fights. I've always seen interpersonal issues as something to run away from, because they piss me off.
"You said this about me", and bs like this always destroy my energy, especially when I really didn't do anything wrong. I find myself fighting with friends a lot, especially because I tend to be blunt and not manipulative, so I always end up being the socially weaker one who takes all the blame. I do wrong things too, but it's like I'm stuck with these interpersonal friendships issues I don't really want, especially when it's two friends of mine fighting and I'm stuck in the middle, and whatever I do might offend one or the other, or both.

I know humans are social beings, and even people on the spectrum find themselves dealing with people, friends, society all the time. But it all has bad consequences for my mental health and energy, because I feel like I have to put an extra effort, and because I've always been the socially weaker one (I guess it's slowly getting better now), and because I tend to have little or sometimes zero interest in socializing, even with friends.

1) Similar experiences?

2) Do you feel like you've lost interest in people growing older? I used to be a bit more social before, but always been an introvert. Now it seems to be getting worse though, like I'm tired of people.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 32 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

AQ Score: 40


SQ: 52
EQ: 5

Empathizing - systemizing mixed test version results


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 75,946
Location: Queens, NYC

02 Jun 2016, 5:49 pm

Many times.

I make sure I keep a certain distance from people's squabbles.



Nicola2206
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 10 Sep 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 97

02 Jun 2016, 6:00 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Many times.

I make sure I keep a certain distance from people's squabbles.


I should too, but it's hard unless you get totally isolated :?


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 32 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

AQ Score: 40


SQ: 52
EQ: 5

Empathizing - systemizing mixed test version results


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 75,946
Location: Queens, NYC

02 Jun 2016, 6:02 pm

My technique: find a way to make people laugh with you.

Find a way to appear jovial, yet eccentric.

People will respect you, yet not expect you to join in their social games.



spinelli
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 25 Apr 2016
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 272
Location: United States

02 Jun 2016, 9:49 pm

Tell them not to involve you in their s**t.



AJisHere
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2015
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,135
Location: Washington state

02 Jun 2016, 10:26 pm

For question 2, I feel like my interest in social interaction has gotten much stronger with age. Making up for lost time, maybe?


_________________
Yes, I have autism. No, it isn't "part of me". Yes, I hate my autism. No, I don't hate myself.


Edna3362
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,587
Location: ᜆᜄᜎᜓᜄ᜔

03 Jun 2016, 3:58 am

1. Mostly, except I don't put an effort to it and my friends knows I'm not into things like drama. Using and involving me as a scapegoat would point the true suspect instead. But ah yes, 'friendly' friends, but no attachments.
I've been a mediator once, it's was easy to be the neutral one until you're the one in the conflict.
Being in the background is relaxing. I don't like maintaining relationships with regular hangouts. :|

2. First I want it, badly. Then I tried too hard until I gave up on them. In fact, I gave up on them because of, well, 'masking'.
Now, I'm frustratingly curious enough to 'play' with them in the real world just to know more about what makes them tick. (And what makes ME tick)
I don't know if that count as socially willing, but I'm sure my intentions is mostly on learning people than enjoying to be with them. .. But I enjoy learning them, and finding various ways to satisfy people without draining my mental stamina. :lol:


_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).


gingerpickles
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jan 2016
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 515
Location: USA

03 Jun 2016, 9:35 am

1) Not for years: I had a small phase of time like that. I got pissed and finally got everyone (5 people) in front of me, repeated word to word every stupid thing they ever said for the last 3 months and then closed with my own argument.

After this many years it is partial paraphrased but i barked at them "I care about you as friends, but you are not good friends to put me in this position. Now that you know EVERYTHING you all said and what I thought and said., Please do not involve me anymore, if I wanted back in high school I would dress different and go enroll. There is no such thing as a secret if you are talking to me from now on. If it can't be repeated you better not say it to me, because I do not tell lies for ANYONE. and if I am in the middle the secret belongs to me too, and I will do what I want with it"
I was a scapegoat because I was normally silent and took blame quietly for things I hadn't even heard of much less said. My blank stare when asked "why did you tell "ass#1 terrible thing?" Was not good enough (and I am the one that is supposed to have a disability in reading faces and social cues). I had extra burst of dutch courage because hormones & exhaustion with drama during a difficult pregnancy.

Maybe not the most diplomatic solution but result was good enough for me. The real real friends checked their s**t at the door and that one couple with the main instigator left me alone until they deployed to different location. Though an introvert in most things, after my 20s I became quite fed up with passive aggressive social displays pouring drama all over my already difficult life and fired the birdshot into the whole covey.

On my part? If I say something about someone the chance of their being present to hear it 97%. I don't often share my personal opinion about people or their actions to make a subject. I have certain life events I don't blurt willy-nilly but I have nothing in my "closet" but moths

2) Similar reaction: My circle of friends is tighter. I do not like people as much as I used to and am much more selective to who is in my inner circle. I am still friendly enough on surface but no one is allowed to actual friend until vetted.


_________________
FFFFF Captchas.


aspiebeauty87
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 199
Location: California,USA

10 Jul 2016, 8:48 pm

Nicola, I feel the same way. Like I'm always caught in the crossfire of NTs like when things go wrong I get blamed for it and be called selfish, lack empathy, and they say I also lie which none of this is true. Only time I try to lie it seems when I'm scared for my life or I just want people to leave me alone because I cannot think straight to give them the right answer because they want answers on the spot and I'm not good with that, I have to think about what I have to say like how to say it which they think I am lying to their faces which I am not. I just process information slower than other people and I have more wrong with me than just autism, I have severe processing issues that make my reflexes and thought patterns slow but that does not mean I am not smart. The truth is I'm the kindest most empathetic person people will know, if fact I'm overly emphatic which in return makes me too numb and a ball of emotions that it makes it hard to cope with anything.



Rich1978
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2016
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 26
Location: Surrey, BC

12 Jul 2016, 1:33 am

For me, being honest has always felt like the noble and good thing to do. I've never had a whole lot of friends, but I can speak about similar experiences with people at work. I've been burned a few times by being honest (too honest) and trying to help others. All the politics and back-stabbing activities have always been absent from my mind. When I tried to get in that frame of mind, it never worked... wouldn't take me long to forget that I was trying to be a back-stabbing brown-noser. I can relate to being blamed because I was the socially weaker (non-manipulative) one.

I still do want friends and want to work with others, I am just trying to be more selective now.



Jensen
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2013
Age: 67
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,008
Location: Denmark

12 Jul 2016, 7:20 am

Sure, I know! ....and not only with friends...


_________________
Femaline
Special Interest: Beethoven