Page 1 of 2 [ 26 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

ThisAdamGuy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 May 2015
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 692
Location: Northwest Arkansas

13 Jun 2016, 9:59 pm

So, first of all, an explanation. I don't have kids, so this might not really fit the theme of this forum, but I don't know where else to put it. All right, I just turned 24 today (happy birthday me, yaaaay), and I'm living in my own apartment, working a steady full time job, and paying all my bills. I've decided I want a dog to keep me company since I don't have many friends. My parents are 100% against this, as they don't think I have what it takes to raise a dog. I think they're wrong and have recited a list of all research I've done and the things I'm willing to do to keep it happy any healthy. They don't care, they still don't want me to get one. They have no reason WHY I can't do it, they just believe 100% that I can't. I'm an adult now, though. I can make my own decisions, even if my parents don't approve. My question is, how do I do this without feeling guilty about it?

Growing up, my parents were very controlling. They made every decision for me, and got upset whenever I stepped out of line even a little bit. Now that I've moved out, that doesn't seem to have changed. They still call me every few days to tell me to do things, and not do things. They've always had this way of guilt tripping me whenever I argue with them by just telling me, fine, whatever, do whatever I want, they don't care. I always feel so guilty when they do that that I usually fold and do what they want anyway. I don't know if they really know what they're doing when they do that, but they do it so often that I kinda think they do...

Anyway, I want that to change, but at the same time I don't want to push my parents away from me. I'm afraid that when I get the dog they'll take that as a symbol of disobedience and it'll only get worse with every day that I don't get rid of it. How can I start making my own decisions without constantly worrying what my parents will think, or whether or not they would approve? I probably sound like a complete pansy posting this, but I'm serious. I want to start doing my own thing and not have to keep calling Mom and Dad to ask permission for everything. How?


_________________
Autistic author of fantasy novels. Read them for free HERE!


Ban-Dodger
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jun 2011
Age: 1026
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,820
Location: Возможно в будущее к Россию идти... можеть быть...

13 Jun 2016, 11:42 pm

Stop looking up to them as authorities. The only reason you feel "guilty" has to do with your False-Beliefs that revolve around "believing Authority" figures. Let me tell you, authority figures that try to control everything you in your life are full of bull-shit, even IF they are your own parents...


Also, you are NOT a real adult if you feel like you need to keep getting permission from your parents and, mind you, such a thing exists as parents dis-owning their children; You should play a turn-about and dis-own your parents, halt all contact with them (and I mean ALL, completely, and just start making your own decisions), even if you have to move to another location/state/country where they do NOT have your address, you do NOT give them your phone-number, you proceed to live like you're an Orphan.

What they have done to you would legally be considered Child-Abuse.
Yes, you have definitely been whipped into a p**** boy, but welcome to the real world now.
They have a strong psychological-hold over you; same thing as women who remain in
abusive-relationships.

You say that you do not wish to push your parents away but, with those strict controlling types who are very authoritarian, the ONLY way to deal with them IS to basically pull a Fnord and "Ghost" them out of your existence. You are NOT truly living on your own unless you are genuinely on your own (and by this I mean NO contact with families/relatives for a MINIMUM of an entire year or two).

Removing your guilt is in understanding that guilt should be something you have earned. Neo-Cheaters manipulate their victims into feeling unearned guilt and, regardless of whether you want to or are ready to hear this or not, your parents are neo-cheating against you to maintain control over you. This is not much different than what politicians do to the masses. Read more about Neo-Cheating here...
http://umclidet.com/pdf/Frank.R..Wallac ... eating.pdf
What you first need to understand is the difference between earned guilt versus unearned guilt, earned power versus unearned power, earned wealth versus unearned wealth, etc. Let me put it this way, suppose someone gets elected into a position of power where they suddenly are in control of billions of dollars, the question then becomes, did he even earn a penny of that wealth or was it taken/stolen/confiscated by the actual people who actually produced the wealth ? This is an example of unearned control of billions of dollars worth of infrastructure that he never sweated a day in his life to help personally build himself.

Religion is another example of neo-cheating. Religions foist unearned guilt upon its followers by defining various natural and normal (yet harmless) behaviours as if though they are
sins, and in this case, the preachers are neo-cheating against their gullible flocks into paying into the fraudulent-church to have these sins so-called forgiven, even though it really just lines the pockets of these preachers. Are you getting me yet ? Will I need to provide another example ? Another one would be in the form of bankers who make you pay ridiculous amounts of interest on your loans/credit that they created out of Thin Freaking AIR (i.e.: they produced absolutely nothing; yet YOU are the slave who has to sweat and toil to support the lavish life-styles of these bankers, even though they have not done any real work that contributes either to the maintenance or advancement of civilisation or society, thus making them more like parasites or parasitical-elites who drain the wealth of the gullible public). Evena 12-year-old girl could understand this...

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
I'm an adult now, though. I can make my own decisions, even if my parents don't approve. My question is, how do I do this without feeling guilty about it?

Growing up, my parents were very controlling. They made every decision for me, and got upset whenever I stepped out of line even a little bit. Now that I've moved out, that doesn't seem to have changed. They still call me every few days to tell me to do things, and not do things. They've always had this way of guilt tripping me whenever I argue with them by just telling me, fine, whatever, do whatever I want, they don't care. I always feel so guilty when they do that that I usually fold and do what they want anyway. I don't know if they really know what they're doing when they do that, but they do it so often that I kinda think they do...

Anyway, I want that to change, but at the same time I don't want to push my parents away from me. I'm afraid that when I get the dog they'll take that as a symbol of disobedience and it'll only get worse with every day that I don't get rid of it. How can I start making my own decisions without constantly worrying what my parents will think, or whether or not they would approve? I probably sound like a complete pansy posting this, but I'm serious. I want to start doing my own thing and not have to keep calling Mom and Dad to ask permission for everything. How?


_________________
Pay me for my signature. 私の署名ですか❓お前の買うなければなりません。Mon autographe nécessite un paiement. Которые хочет мою автографу, у тебя нужно есть деньги сюда. Bezahlst du mich, wenn du meine Unterschrift wollen.


ThisAdamGuy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 May 2015
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 692
Location: Northwest Arkansas

14 Jun 2016, 8:17 am

^^^ Well, here's one guy I know I don't need to listen to. Go check your tinfoil hat, buddy. I think it might be a little skewed.


_________________
Autistic author of fantasy novels. Read them for free HERE!


Ban-Dodger
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jun 2011
Age: 1026
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,820
Location: Возможно в будущее к Россию идти... можеть быть...

14 Jun 2016, 10:11 am

Then go ahead and do as you please and continue being chained to your parents' permission to do anything.

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
^^^ Well, here's one guy I know I don't need to listen to. Go check your tinfoil hat, buddy. I think it might be a little skewed.


_________________
Pay me for my signature. 私の署名ですか❓お前の買うなければなりません。Mon autographe nécessite un paiement. Которые хочет мою автографу, у тебя нужно есть деньги сюда. Bezahlst du mich, wenn du meine Unterschrift wollen.


ThisAdamGuy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 May 2015
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 692
Location: Northwest Arkansas

14 Jun 2016, 10:21 am

Don't worry I think I'll be fine. BTW, an inability to make a [i]point[/i] without changing fonts every single word is pretty indicative of a weak argument.


_________________
Autistic author of fantasy novels. Read them for free HERE!


somanyspoons
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Jun 2016
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 995

14 Jun 2016, 4:00 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
So, first of all, an explanation. I don't have kids, so this might not really fit the theme of this forum, but I don't know where else to put it. All right, I just turned 24 today (happy birthday me, yaaaay), and I'm living in my own apartment, working a steady full time job, and paying all my bills. I've decided I want a dog to keep me company since I don't have many friends. My parents are 100% against this, as they don't think I have what it takes to raise a dog. I think they're wrong and have recited a list of all research I've done and the things I'm willing to do to keep it happy any healthy. They don't care, they still don't want me to get one. They have no reason WHY I can't do it, they just believe 100% that I can't. I'm an adult now, though. I can make my own decisions, even if my parents don't approve. My question is, how do I do this without feeling guilty about it?

Growing up, my parents were very controlling. They made every decision for me, and got upset whenever I stepped out of line even a little bit. Now that I've moved out, that doesn't seem to have changed. They still call me every few days to tell me to do things, and not do things. They've always had this way of guilt tripping me whenever I argue with them by just telling me, fine, whatever, do whatever I want, they don't care. I always feel so guilty when they do that that I usually fold and do what they want anyway. I don't know if they really know what they're doing when they do that, but they do it so often that I kinda think they do...

Anyway, I want that to change, but at the same time I don't want to push my parents away from me. I'm afraid that when I get the dog they'll take that as a symbol of disobedience and it'll only get worse with every day that I don't get rid of it. How can I start making my own decisions without constantly worrying what my parents will think, or whether or not they would approve? I probably sound like a complete pansy posting this, but I'm serious. I want to start doing my own thing and not have to keep calling Mom and Dad to ask permission for everything. How?


Get a dog!! !! They are a wonderful solution for loneliness. I have a dog. Your parents are right in that he is a lot of work. But he is totally worth it. You mentioned you pay the bills yourself, right? You should calculate both the cost of taking care of him, food and such, and the cost of vet bills when he gets sick someday. You should also add in costs for care if you want to go on a trip, or for a dog walker if you are late at work or something. Since you are a new dog owner, it would be a good idea to include the cost for obedience training if you've never had a dog before, so you can get some lessons on how to treat your dog well.

The parent situation: If my parents treated me like your parents treat you, it would be really abusive. I have special needs, yes. But I am a pretty competent adult most of the time. If you have my same level of need - you are OK 90% of the time, they REALLY need to back off. It sounds like they are treating you like someone with autism 2 or 3. But I really hesitate to say that your situation is the same because we have people here who do have autism 2 and 3. They really do need that level of care. In that case, it would be normal for your parents to be that controlling because you really would get yourself into trouble if they didn't tell you what to do all the time.

You might be interested in reading information on co-dependency. This is when one person is very attached to making another person need them. A co-dependent person can't stand it when a child tries to be independent. Its a psychological disorder like depression. If that is going on, you might need some counseling from a professional to heal from it. Check your health insurance plan. You might be able to use that to pay for counseling. I STRONGLY suggest not allowing your parents to pay for therapy because you are an adult and this is for YOU, not for them.

I had problems with my parents when I was your age. I stopped talking to them for a couple of years. It was a painful time for all of us. I've forgiven them and we are close again. But I still don't often take their advice because they weren't really giving me good advice. I love them for what they are and they usually do the same. Those years where we didn't talk much really helped me establish that they should not be controlling me and telling me to do self-destructive things like let other people walk all over me, or live dog-less.

Back to the dog - I suggest going to your local dog shelter to look into adopting a dog. Shelters often have training programs attached to the shelter. You can also volunteer to help at the shelter, which would give you the chance to be around dogs more and give you the chance to decide if you really want to do this. They will also let you take a dog home for the weekend to see what it would be like to live with a dog.



Ban-Dodger
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jun 2011
Age: 1026
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,820
Location: Возможно в будущее к Россию идти... можеть быть...

14 Jun 2016, 5:06 pm

Sure, sure, I should consider that to be a strong argument from someone who uses Tin Foil hat rhetorics.

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Don't worry I think I'll be fine. BTW, an inability to make a [i]point[/i] without changing fonts every single word is pretty indicative of a weak argument.


_________________
Pay me for my signature. 私の署名ですか❓お前の買うなければなりません。Mon autographe nécessite un paiement. Которые хочет мою автографу, у тебя нужно есть деньги сюда. Bezahlst du mich, wenn du meine Unterschrift wollen.


YippySkippy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,986

14 Jun 2016, 6:24 pm

My mother was just like your parents. Very controlling, very opinionated, etc. It was really hard for me to make decisions in my early adulthood because I was so accustomed to being told exactly what to do all the time. I also ended up marrying a very controlling (and ultimately abusive) man at a young age. That's long over, thankfully.

Get the dog. Maybe your parents will be upset about it. Let them be upset. It will be good for all of you.
(Plus, seriously, getting a dog is not that huge a deal. It's not like you're moving to another country or having a kid.)



Fitzi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jul 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 545

14 Jun 2016, 6:50 pm

Get the dog.

I am guessing that your parents just feel that they know what's best for you, and are worried that a dog is not. However, only you know whether or not you can handle a dog, not them. You are all grown up, and you know what the right decision is, not them. Don't ever feel guilty going with what you believe is best for you. You can respectfully disagree with them, it is not disobedience anymore because you take care of yourself. You do not live under their roof, you are of legal age. So, you can tell them that you respect their opinion, but you feel strongly that it is the right decision for you.

I have a dog. It, as YippySkippy said is not *that* big a deal. You just have to make sure that they get enough exercise. So, if you work full time, you would want to get a dog walker to take it out during the day. Puppies can be a lot of work at first, but if you go with a shelter dog, you can get one that's already house trained. Just tell the shelter people exactly what kind of dog would be right for you. I told the shelter I got my dog from that I wanted a full grown dog, that is good with kids and on the calmer side. They brought out a perfect fit. I think a dog would be be great for you. They really are great companions. They also help you meet people when you are out walking them.



ASDMommyASDKid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,666

14 Jun 2016, 7:32 pm

I agree, you should get the dog.

Sometimes it takes awhile for parents to understand that you are an independent person. The only way for parents like that to get it, is to take the power away from them. Get your dog. If they annoy you about it, you can tell them, they are being annoying, and that it makes you want to talk to them less--and then talk to them less.

The more you act like what they are doing is normal, and continue to act like they still have authority over you, the worse it will be. You will be 50 years old, and they will still tell you how to run your life.



ThisAdamGuy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 May 2015
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 692
Location: Northwest Arkansas

15 Jun 2016, 12:38 pm

Thanks for your advice, everybody! After long and careful consideration, I've decided that this Saturday I'm going to become the owner of a three year old shih tzu named Paisley :D
Image


_________________
Autistic author of fantasy novels. Read them for free HERE!


YippySkippy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,986

15 Jun 2016, 12:41 pm

Awwwww...how could anyone be upset about THAT? so much cute!



ThisAdamGuy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 May 2015
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 692
Location: Northwest Arkansas

15 Jun 2016, 12:57 pm

I know, right? I met her and her current owners today before work. She's such a friendly little dog. She's already been spayed, microchipped, and graduated obedience school. She knows how to sit, lie down, "drop it", and roll over, and she did all of them for me even though she didn't hardly know me. They gave me some treats to give her, and once I did she promptly laid down on top of my foot, so I think she likes me too, lol. They're asking $250 for her, but I think that's okay because they're giving me a ton of stuff I would have had to be for her otherwise, like her leash, toys, bowls, collar, and quite a bit of food they still have for her.

Image


_________________
Autistic author of fantasy novels. Read them for free HERE!


somanyspoons
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Jun 2016
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 995

15 Jun 2016, 4:22 pm

That is so great! I'm so excited for you. $250 isn't unreasonable. It also insures that she is going to a good home. Sometimes when you give your pet away for free, the person doesn't think they have to take good care of her, so sometimes people advise those who are re-homing their pet to charge a fee. Having a well trained adult dog is SO much easier. All my dogs came to me as damaged goods and had to be trained to live among people. It's pretty labor intensive.

I don't see how your parents aren't going to fall in love with her, given time.



ThisAdamGuy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 May 2015
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 692
Location: Northwest Arkansas

15 Jun 2016, 4:33 pm

She's almost three years old, but I'm wondering if I could still change her name. "Paisley" isn't bad, but I think I could do better, lol. I wrote a book about a werewolf named Amber once. Maybe that would be funny... since she's a dinky little dog, you know? :9


_________________
Autistic author of fantasy novels. Read them for free HERE!


YippySkippy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,986

15 Jun 2016, 4:54 pm

My dog was a year old when I got her, and I changed her name. It took her a little while to learn it, of course, but I don't think she minded. Dogs respond more to tone of voice than actual words, anyway.