Wishing you had no conscience
I sometimes feel very guilty about feeling unhappy. I ask myself "what right do I have to be unhappy, when there are so many very much worse things happening in the world?".
Its times like that when my conscience hurts the worst. When I am happy I worry much less about the bad things in the world; I do seem to have much less of a conscience when I am feeling happy about things. Im not sure whether thats a good thing or a bad thing.
Sure there's a load of bad things in the world but if they don't directly concern you or have an impact on your life then you can't let them affect you too much.
There's nothing wrong with taking a bit of time to mourn/grieve about things but after that just try and move on.
_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 147 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 68 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
RAADS-R (Average score for males with asd=148.7)
Total=170 - Language=17 - Social relatedness=65 - Sensory/motor=52 - Circumscribed interests=36
While many insist they have one, I wish I don't.
Not because I want to be strong nor wanting not to be feel anything anymore.
It simply holds me back to things I want to do. I just want to have more control to myself.
Regardles, it's for the same thing for me: to make things easier.
_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).
Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.
Conscience and remorse I'm happy with. It's guilt that I'd like to lose. But I am who I am. Perhaps it's not even possible to separate conscience from self-loathing, though I can fondly imagine how it might be if I could simply check myself from doing significant, needless harm without beating myself up about the slightest insensitive or hostile impulse. It's really strange that I feel so guilty, because when I look back on my life, I've done very little damage to others, apart from a few mistakes of the same magnitude that most people have probably made. My mother never told me much about the good in me, but she focussed strongly on the bad. I don't know if anybody ever completely breaks free of that kind of thing.
_________________
I wouldn't want to be one either. It would make everything worse if there were more sociopaths. There would be more bullying, suicides, crime ect. I don't understand why people think being strong is so important that it's worth making other people miserable.
Last edited by slw1990 on 19 Jun 2016, 12:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
_________________
I get upset sometimes and have real serious debates in my head if I crush a bug rather than put it outside, I often catch spiders even if they're gigantic tegenaria ones and put them in the grass outside, I kill flies outright but stuff like moths and daddy long legs I even usher out the window... even inanimate objects I can get attached to and feel awkward if I discard wrappers outside, I fret about whether they're cold or have been gusted into the sewer haha. So my conscience when it comes to deeper topics and other humans, well it's quite problematic!
It's just that some time in my life, I learned that society thinks you're heartless if you don't act appalled at everything bad in this world, and I have this wish often when there is a new tragedy or death.
I am appalled about what's happening in the world.
But I have a life, and I must live it.
People in places like Iraq have lives, too. They hate it when people express sympathy with their situation. They have a survival instinct which allows them to get past their apparent situation, and live a "normal" life with wives, kids, friends, etc, even while struggling in other ways.
During the Sahel drought in the 1990s, many people stuck in the drought resented the "foreigners" who came in to provide Food Aid (let me emphasize: this Food Aid was essential, and had to be done). Pride usually prevented most of these people from taking advantage of the Food Aid until their situation was really, really dire.
It's just that some time in my life, I learned that society thinks you're heartless if you don't act appalled at everything bad in this world, and I have this wish often when there is a new tragedy or death.
Like, I don't want to be a meanie, but I want to be more insensitive, not in a "fiddling while Rome burns'' kinda way, but more of in a "while there is lots of pain in this world, I'm just doing my own thing'' kinda way. I used to be like that as a kid, but the pressure of the world to act appalled at every tragedy in this world changed me.
This is me too.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I have "issues" I want to forget. As far as I'm concerned, I've "done my time" as far as being punished for any wrongdoing. The inability to "forget" it and put it behind me pretty much ruins my life.
Not having a conscience would make you a sociopath, and I don't know if that would be an improvement.